crippled with fear

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mof, Jul 15, 2016.

  1. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So I have said Difficult Child was removed from soberliving for relapsing with pot. Refused us bringing him home for a week, found "friend" he says is clean and attends mtgs. He moved in with him for 7 days , he plans to return to house in 7 days, test clean then will renter outpatient services. He was 6 mos clean..he did not relapse with drug of choice. So your heart you hope he beats the odds, takes his medications, isnt stupid.

    He insist he is taking charge of his problem, didnt want to lose part time job..why do these thoughts not occur when he lit up...did not use the tools he has learned. I called sobbing, Im so afraid. He told me to breathe calm down, hes going to do this and had just attended a mtg.

    We all want hope, but that's not usually what occurs..frozen with grief.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Calm down. This is a long journey. Not a quick fix.

    Is this his first time in rehab?

    Are you seeing a therapist or going to NA meeting to help you cope? It's impossible to cope with this without professional help - in my opinion.

    His recovery has to be for HIM and not you. I am trying to learn all of this for my own situation too.

    It's tough. I'm living it too. Hugs and you're not alone.
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Thanks...Yes, only rehab once, inhouse 10wks, soberliving 4mos.

    I have not seen a therapist, but have access to a family crisis one. Have not been able to find an NA mtg in area. I know its all him....I dont want to enable, but dont want to plan a funeral either.

    Feb his life almost ended..he was an needle heroine user for a kills, fast.

    Thank you, hug too
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It is really hard and that fear can be debilitating. It is good he is insisting on dealing with his own problem. The main thing is to find ways to stay calm and take care of yourself. You can't do this for him and you can't cure him or control his recovery. I would look for an alanon group that is for parents. We found a wonderful alanon group for parents and meeting other parents going through this has been a huge huge help to me. Finding a good therapist is helpful as well... but honestly for me it was meeting other parents who understood what we are going through and the dilemmas we face helped even more than therapy.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I'm struggling being I public, this time last yr he was readying for college. In stores that is what people are son left college in an ambulance.

    I try to let the past go. The unknown is always scary...I will maybe call the local rehab and see if they know of a support group. None of us should live in shame....but no one wants to hear the heartbreak either.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    From what another poster (Darkwing), a former addict said, we should NOT let the past go. That is what I have always done.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have been pretty open with folks about the trials and tribulations we have gone through with my son. It is true some people don't want to hear it, and I had to get past the point where it was the only thing I could think about BUT I have found many many people have someone they love who have gone through addiction issues and when you open up they do too...So I no longer make it the only focus of my life or conversation but I have gotten a lot of real life support from people who understand and a few times where someone has told a friend to call me because they are going through something similar.

    And yeah our kids are adult their actions are on them not on there should be no shame about what they do.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I found with addiction it is never in the past. A relapse is always one drink or toke or pill away. It is a lifelong disease.

    Your son does not seem be tsking his addiction seriously enough yet. his attitude seems veryl relaxed, like you should forget he shot heroin, and still may be...this is hard to kick and doesnt just stop. No mother of a drug addict really knows the truth abourlt what our kids take or do. After my daughter actually quit, she confessed to sll she had usedbsnd to say I was shocked is the understatement if the year.

    A scary fact us that we cant save the lives of our addict kids. only they can do it. I repeat, we dont even know what they do. We cant stop them.bIt is COMPLETELY out of our hands.

    zif you believe in any sort of higher power, give your son to him and try to go on. Worrying about our adult kids makes us ill and doesnt help them one bit. Begging them to quit doesnt work.bztelling them how they hurt us does not touch an active addicts mind.

    Until THEY want to quit, they wont. We can make them so miserable while using that they get sick of using...we take away money, perks, make them walk to food pantries and sleep in shelters, or if they don't like the no drug rules of shelters, they can sleep under a bridge.

    They dont need cars.

    Until they are completely miserable and alone, they rarely quit. Once we take away their resources (us and our money and rides snd food and soft hearts)...they have no real incentive to go through the horror of withdrawal and then changing their entire lives.
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    We spoke today..He has chosen to use a cab to go to work so he is not risking getting g into someone car he really doesn't know.

    He insists he will prove house wrong next week. He will be clean. I told him go for it, we are routing for him. He said owner doesn't think he can do it. Staff said they think he can.

    We will see what happens..reality he will eventually move home to work full time, but not until more work is done. The area he is in is very expensive. He actually left a skydiving home with a counselors help. Because of a open air drug market and stray bullets at night.....He was fearful and said he ft mentally he was struggling.

    He has taken charge before...h hope we can help him get some. behaviour therapy....but the young kid in him does stupid stuff. The adult is there somewhere..

    Only he can prove it to himself and his family.
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Skydiving..really! Sober
  11. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I agree with the alone and miserable, but we were told it's his trigger....He can't be alone due to the anxiety and depression....opiates scare him, the mental ward on suicide watch was an eye opener too.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry this is happening, mof.

  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Mof, I am so sorry for all of this. It is a hard road we travel. I am glad that your son has at least tried to get clean. My two are nowhere near this. As RN and others wrote, it is a long road to recovery.
    Any kind of support group would help, even posting here helps. So much bottled up inside takes a toll. Keep posting and sharing, Mof. Please take care of YOU, you matter! Be very kind to yourself dear.
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  14. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Hopefully he's at work today...tested last night he politely turned down friendly meth dealer in front of store. He swears he can do this to prove them wrong but had another gripping wave of panic and sadness today.....praying often.

    Yes, it's a long road ......
  15. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Had a good long family chat with him. He is well and is staying clean...He says it was dumb to do pot after 6 mos clean. Sometimes it's hard to hear him so relaxed...but he takes antidepressants to control his anxiety, it mellows him out. They teased him at inpatient, he was always tested more often because he seemed stoned.

    We talked about all t of issues and his goal of coming home in little over a month...He would continue recovery here..but he wants to know how we will deal with boundaries for all of u s.

    He really wants a full-time job...He is a it's hard for him not to work...He wants to work on communication with his d as too.

    He still has so much growing up to do...but I told him to keep his goals ahead of him....He will prove them all wrong thurs...We will see, we all know whAt disappointment feels like.

    Sending prayer for all our children to have an epiphany!

    Breathing a little better for tonight.
  16. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    This is 1/2 helpful, 1/2 not, but my sister is 31 years old and she has been an IV heroin addict since she was 17. She had a few years clean around the births of my nephews, and a month or so here and there after getting out of jail, a month or 2 clean with half-assed attempts at recovery to avoid or reduce legal charges.

    I can't tell from the tome of your posts if he is taking recovery lightly or if he is accepting responsibility. Either way, he needs to accept the responsibility.

    I think that you need some emotional support. It is really difficult to walk the line between supporting and enabling. I find Naranon a great support system.

    ...but you do have to allow him to do this on his own. Not having a car is not a big thing in the era odfUber, even if you don't have good public transport. Cars are usually a trigger. Too easy to get drugs, too easy to earn under the table drug money.
    If they don't take personal responsibility, they don't succeed. Recovery should be for them.

    Don't forget the past. That being said, if someone is trying and working hard, dragging up the past, I don't think, is entirely helpful either, but reminding him of how YOU felt when he overdosed, in this situation would be helpful. Also reminding him of how far he has come might be. too.
  17. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    We have spoken today after he got off work.I can tell he takes his medications...He is not using. Yup, he met a girl she had weed...a toke and ended a 6 mos streak. He thinks it sucks, but paid the price of being homeless for the week.

    Thursday he can return...he's doing this. He is with a sober friend in a very risky neighborhood, said he won't go out at night.

    He has just enough money to get to work and a meal. I know he needs therapy...if he eventually moves home we can get that for him. We can't afford sober living and therapy. He makes just enough to eat.

    Sad...He says thank goodness I just did pot...I told him it's not just pot, it's a slippery slope for an addict. He says I know.....but I t old him chin up, all is not lost....him showing what's he's doing on his own is a good thing. To hear his dad tell him he is proud so far was huge.

    My heart is so's sermon in church was Fear...We all know it.
  18. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Hey, I set up a time with a therapist too. I will still try to find a tough in area.

    Thank you
  19. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    This is such a hard road when our kids are struggling. I know that fear.

    I think finding a therapist for you is a good step. My husband and I went to one together when things were getting scary for us. We needed it to find a way to reconnect as our own fears were pushing us apart.

    We are pretty good now, learning to let go. Easier since son is moved out and appears sober.... I say appears since I will never really feel 100% sure.

    The other night he needed the car his brother and him share for work... It was after nine and I was very suspicious . So I asked him why he would need a car at night... He texted back " IM NOT DEALING"

    Do I believe him? Yes and No. I want to.

    Even so, we are moving forward and doing what we need to. No more financial support, no more pressure from us about university.... Etc...

    Takes time and I soooooo remember that feeling of panic and fear around his drug use. It's still there sometimes, but I'm learning.

    Hang in there, take deep breaths, and keep putting one foot in front of the other... You will get there.

  20. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Thank you C.....I know he's sober and can tell he's on his medications....but so scared until Thursday. Sad, we have never had him home when on medications and more stable....I miss him.