DavidWH

[DavidWH]

DDD - "Your response illustrates exactly the difference between "toxic"
relatives and irritating, disappointing or pain in the fanny relatives. There is no question about eliminating
toxic. Over time, however, I believe it is best to attempt to
put in place some type of support system in case "the turnip" gets you. DDD"


Can you elaborate? I am confused a bit on what you mean... (more than open to all ideas, I am by no means perfect)

 

[DDD]

Sorry, David. I didn't mean to confuse my input...I meant to
recap and acknowledge that some relatives must be avoided at all
costs. One of the CD members posted earlier in the thread saying
that eliminating all contact with "toxic" family members was a
necessity. Obviously, for example, your biodad was "toxic" and
obviously neither you nor your son would want to have any contact
with him. I was acknowledging that those type of relatives were
not the ones I was referring to when I suggested that Justin be
encouraged to feel the strength of extended family.

I don't want to beat a dead horse, lol. My suggestion is that
it is natural to see the situation as "you and your son" trying
to forge a new and happier life but...after difficult child is out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)
he will be rejoining society and aiming at finding "his" place in
the world. This is easier to do when you feel the sense of extended family as a loosely knit safety net. As he learns to
accept the faults and embrace the strengths of various family members, it will be easier for him to accept his own faults and
cherish his own individual strengths.

The reference to "the turnip" was just a last use of my Dads
expression. The point being? Well, you are a healthy man who
anticipates having another fifty years to parent. Ugly things
happen in life to good people sometimes. Since there is no way
of knowing what the future will bring, as a parent it is wise to
prepare our children to live independently just in case we are not there to nurture/support/parent them. The correspondence
you are allowing is an example. Good choice. That gives your
son another family member to connect with.

If you have access to the counselor that you and Justin shared
before he went to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I really think you should pick up the phone and utilize him as a sounding board for your adjustment.
It should be helpful for you and the healthier and happier you are in your life, the healthier and happier Justin will be, too.
DDD

 

[meowbunny]

David, since Justin was in court, doesn't he have or had an attorney? If so, contact that attorney and ask that he petition the court to have a case worker assigned by the court at the State's expense (I'm assuming the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is paid for by the County and/or State). You have enough on your plate without having to worry about therapist bills and the like. (Unless you're independently wealthy, which I rather doubt.) Also ask for individual therapy for you using the argument that it will ultimately make you a better parent if you're not fighting depression and stress while parenting a child with issues.

 

[DavidWH]

meowbunny - Since I got fired last Dec. (blessing i disquise) (man I can not spell)

I became eligiable for medicade for Justin.. and myself... I was making too much before.. so being fired made a huge difference

The case worker is paid for by medicade as is the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and anything else ... trust me the state of NC is dishing out a ton of money right now.. at first I felt horrible... but Ya know I have come to the conclusion I am not one of those people that "Use" the system.. I paid my taxes for over 25 years... I am just getting the benifit of that now.

So, they are paying for it all.. and my physciatrist visit on Jan. 2 is being covered by it as well.

I plan on asking for not only medications to help me (I know I will need depression medications.. and I am going to ask for something to help the cravings I am medicating myself with) Even though I have greatly reduced this on my own.. and allot since I found this site to come to... I will also ask about a theripist to see if I can get some of my junk into perspective...

 

[DDD]

Way To Go! DDD

 

[klmno]

David, now I'm starting to understand- about medicaid and getting the case worker. I'm not on medicaid, don't qualify. If I didn't have a job and got medicaid, too many other things would be left unpaid and we have no other financial resources. My employer pays both my and difficult child's medication insurance (thank God)but the insurance won't pay for in-home therapy, Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or any psychiatric hospital EXCEPT acute care, it wouldn't even cover a 2 to 4 week inpatient evaluation last spring. This is why the GAL got social services involved (briefly)- apparently, here anyway, the court alone can't make these things happen with public funds unless social services or some county agency (like mental health) determines it is necessary and finds a placement, which means they have at least temporary custody. If they have temp custody, a family member has more chance in getting custody from them. (Problem #1 here) In our case, difficult child had set a brush fire and I was told in VA, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and phosps don't accept difficult child's who have this under their belt. Social services determined that under our circumstances, I was providing adequate mental health care (getting it for difficult child- not providing it myself), so he was returned home (out of juvy) rather than being placed out of state. His worst charges were put on deferment so if he makes it without any trouble until June, they will be reviewed. If he gets in trouble before than, they will have to choose between a long term stay in juvy or placement out of state. The worst part, I feel like everything just keeps tying my hands more- if I see him acting manic or erratic or whatever and I can't get him to a psychiatric hospital, then how can I prevent something worse happening? Then, if that should happen, the judge will probably say I already had my chance and couldn't prove that I could turn things around

Anyway, regarding DDD's post- I understand what she is saying. I have stressed about what will happen to difficult child should something happen to me, especially if he's not grown yet and able to work, live on his own, etc. I would want him to maintain contact with extended family, but I sure wouldn't want them raising him or living too close to him. They are just not emotionally healthy and have too much interest throwing their "sick ways of thinking" on difficult child. He wouldn't stand a chance. on the other hand, DDD brings up a good point about accepting their faults helps one accept their own faults and feel like they can be accepted by others. Also, I wouldn't want difficult child to feel isolated in this world without having anyone to even talk to. We both know of someone we'd like to take care of difficult child should this situation ever arise, but don't know how to discuss it with them.

 

[mom_in_training]

"As far as me not able to talk about Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with family (brother and mom) they love me yes I know.. they love justin in some way I know.. but they can not see the sickness made Justin do this... and I try to say over and over to them.. put yourself in his shoes... Look at what this childs own mom has done to him.. could you IMAGINE!!! they want to protect me FROM Justin... well I am sorry I do not need protection.. I helped make Justin and I fought for custody I woke up and fed him and changed his poopy diapers and darn it he loves me just for being his daddy... even if it kills me I am going to be there for this kid till he is able to do this life on his own"

Hallelujah to that!!!!!

 

[Star*]

WHen family says "HOW IS DUDE?"

I just say "FINE"

When family says "WHERE IS HE NOW?"

I say "away at school"

When family says "MUST BE PRIVATE?"

I say "VERY"

When family says "Has he "calmed down" any?"

I say "Working on it every day - thanks for asking"

I'm not lying, I'm not giving answers that engage in further conversation, I've answered their questions, and I'm walking away without a fight or discussion.

Effective communication - read all about it.

MOST people don't care about your kid like you do, they are making polite conversation...if they DID care - they would already KNOW and you wouldn't have to go through the rigamarole of conversations that pale in comparison to true concern.

While your son is in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - TAKE ADVANTAGE of this time - to seek and keep therapy, go to a psychologist, see a psychologist for the depression - and allow your son to reap the benefits of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) while you become a better person which in turn will ultimately make you the best father you can be. Not everyone is naturally born with coping skills - some of us (self included) have to be taught. No shame in that.

Hope your day is better - and OH yeah GO CLEVELAND!

Star

 

[DavidWH]

klmno ---- I see a bit more now..

however.. (and you may know this now) NEVER EVER let the state say Temp. custody and we will do this and that... NEVER - if they take custody... even temp (as they call it) you will FOR SURE.. need to hire a lawyer and go through allllllll kinds of junk to prove you should have him back..

Now.. I made too much money too... for medicade... HOWEVER -- No one will tell you this BUT

(I am sure all states are the same... I would hope)

IF a child is going to be gone for an extended period of time IE: 1 Year.. be it a group home, Wilderness camp or the like.. he/she is considered a 1 person family... and no matter what you make or what insurance you have on him.. they will put him on medicade.. not you but him... this took me a long time to find out.. NO ONE wanted to tell me.. UNTIL I got a case manager and she asked me why he was not on it

As far as fire setting.. Justin did it as well a couple of times.. some Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will not take this.. for sure... however the one Justin is in they do ... they just will not take sex related problems.. (they own another Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in another state for that alone..)

Justin major problems started at your sons age.. took me three years to get where I am at... what ever all I can say is it is a fight... too many no's but the squeeky wheel sure does get the grease..

 

[DavidWH]

Star .. that is funny...

this is how I tell my Brother / Mother to answer people about my son... (when I have no desire to hear from them and have to explain)

 

[klmno]

Thanks, David!
Here are my questions- 1) did Medicaid help get the case manager? If not, how did you get him/her? 2) What steps did/would you get to have an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) lined up without difficult child being on Medicaid first?

When social services was looking into a placement for difficult child my brother started calling every place in town saying he wanted custody (he's always wanted this- can't have kid of his own). Anyway, I wonder sometimes if GAL and social services didn't exagerate the "we can't place him anywhere in this state" position because they didn't think the door should be left open for my brother to get custody either. Anyway, the lady from social services told me directly that the county, nor state, could do more to help difficult child than I was doing myself and they saw no reason at this point to remove him from home.

Fortunately, there have been no sex related problems. Even the fire incident sounds like another "indirect suicide" attempt when the details are known. Of course, the prosecuting attorney doesn't care about that.

Still, I can't hold my breathe while looking for the therapist who can actually help difficult child to see that ruining his own life will never justify or make up for what his father chose. And, if it turns out that even the initial erratic behavior was the first onset of bipolar mania instead of a reaction to major depression, he (we) need help dealing with that, too.

I REALLY understand your previous comment about being the one who's taking care of your son and puuting ones self in the shoes of the kid who's had to deal with a parent who wasn't there and being determined to always be there to help them, until they don't really need that help. Then, I guess we can be on the sidelines, huh? Taking a simple hug whenever we can get it-

 

[DavidWH]

Goodmorning -

No Social Services did not help.

First thing you need is to go to your county mental health dept.
They will be busy as all get out so you must be willing to never take no for an answer.

Use your insurance if you must.. even the county is not free - they will set up an appointment with a physciatrist or someone like one. this is who you ask for a case manager... you will need all your papers and proof of what he has been going through.

The key to all of this is a paper trail.. the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is going to want to see it as well as medicade - I will also tell you the only way you will get into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (at least The one I sent you and I think they are all the same) you must have a case manager... I know I had to have one to threesprings, the case manager did all of the work the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) used them to get everything set up - much easier then dealing with a out of mind parent I am sure.

As far as seeking a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) before you have funding.. forget it... all the ones I talked to are not even willing to give much info but maybe some general... Should your child be here type stuff, with out funding in place. I researched them all.. took me months and months to find the one

Forget that issue about custody and your brother... not going to happen in any state.. until a judge tells you your brother has custody and you lose it.. your brother is not ever going to be able to just go and get your son..

 

[mom_in_training]

Your so right DavidWH, Never take no for an answer. Fight fight fight. And also the fact that they just do not just put the appropriate info out there. It seems that we always hear about it by accident or if we are lucky to get a social worker that is very knowledgible and has the will to share her knowledge, Trust me I have had some that have'nt a clue and have not been able to answer questions that I may have about future coverage and go figure, That is supposed to be their job, Hmmmm. I am always having to fight tooth and nail to assure that my sons needs are being met within a reasonable period of time when it comes to needed medications (Seizure medications) You know the ones that you just can't stop!!!! and Formula that he gets via his G-Tube and it is his only source of nutrition too. (Hes a silent asperator). Its always the red tape and billing issues that are a battle. Its all good though because I have no problem having to step up considering I am my sons biggest advocate and his voice to assure that all of his needs are met. I can get pretty aggressive but not in a rude way, Just very blunt and to the point and will not stop at nothing until I get good results.

 

[DavidWH]

mom_in_training - AMEN -- I have always been the sit back and wait type... never push.. never be rude... never wanting to be a bother to someone...

Boy... I am NOT like that anymore... at least when it comes to my boy...

I find I have found a way to be very firm with- the ability to be respectful at the same time... almost putting whom ever on a huge guilt trip .. but not really.. hard to explain...

Parents of difficult child's FIGHT.... never ever let someone tell you no... because there IS a way

 

[klmno]

Thank you, everyone! Especially MIT for starting this thread, and David for joining and helping me with direction. I will pursue the info you've provided and can't help but remember, when I thought I'd lost all input over what was going to happen to my son, the lady from social services made her required home visit and told me that I was difficult child's biggest advocate and never lose sight of that and that there never had been doubt that I was a fit parent and that they could not provide more for him than I was. That was very frightening in a way, but it reassured me that I had to continue to step up to the plate. GAL involved or not, nobody can love my child like I do and that doesn't mean I'm looking for an easy way out for him.

Thanks for understanding-and-

Happy New Year!!

 

[mom_in_training]

"I find I have found a way to be very firm with- the ability to be respectful at the same time... almost putting whom ever on a huge guilt trip .. but not really.. hard to explain..."

Same here its almost like an art as far as choosing our words carefully while at the same time sticking it to them, Lol!! And respectfully letting them know that you will become their worst nightmare. Well not litterally but they know that you will not give up and put your tail between your legs therefore forcing them to do their job doubletime. but DavidWH I think we totally understand where we both are coming from. Lol!! We all know here at CD that when it comes to saving or helping our kiddos that we become big bad warriers and we will not hesitate to do battle.

" but not really.. hard to explain..." I so know where your coming from. Lol!!

klmno, You bet you are your kiddos biggest advocate. I am sooooo glad that you were able to find some resources here.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!