depressed...

[mrscatinthehat]

Ok I want to crawl in bed and not come out. I haven't felt like this in long time.

I hate the world, but I want it to just treat me decent for a change. I am busting my butt for a few things and getting nothing back. You know I am used to it with the difficult children but in the rest of my life I would like to see some sort of step forward. I don't want to freaking clean up after drunk bowlers the rest of my life. I want more. But of course no one sees an uneducated (oh if they only knew how much more I know without the paper saying I do) person as worth the effort. So I find a place that I both work and volunteer (yes second job that is both paying and not paying) in addition to being the guardian/ payee of an 18 year old that wants to continue being 12 most days, the mother of a child most likely headed to prison and a child that I want to give the world to and no one that should help me with that is.

I am a good person. Why do people think they can just **** all over me and me not do anything about it? Why do I have to be the one to handle it all? I help people without asking for anything in return. I would just like a little respect.

I have made so many mistakes in my life and now I try so hard to do the right things and it just never works. No matter what way I turn and go I keep hitting this stupid wall. If I try and go around or over something blocks me. If I try and take it down someone is just putting up another one behind it. I get no where. I don't want things handed to me but I would like to earn something more than ****.

I am tired of others getting credit for what I do. I am tired of it all. Why can't people see me? I am more than what people believe. How do I make people see that? Why aren't people willing to look? Why are they so damn judgemental when they haven't walked in my shoes?

Why am I not allowed to be happy? Hell, I am not even allowed contentment.

I don't sleep right again. I am trying to do things right but this just blows. The only thing even remotely keeping me on track is easy child. I won't mess up her life anymore.

I just dont' know what to do anymore.

beth

 

[rejectedmom]

I am sorry you are down. it really hurts to feel invisible.

Stop doing things for others and start asking for them to do things for you. That will get their attention!

Seriously though, I asked myself this same question and I came up with an answer of sorts. People who willingly give of themself attract people who are takers like moths to a light. The only way to protect onself is to draw clear and strong boundries.

It isn't easy but maybe by employing a "do to get" policy would be helpful. If people don't give back you stop giving.

If doesn't work at first stick to your guns. Even if they don't start giving back at least you will no longer be giving out and getting nothing in return. -RM

 

[everywoman]

I'm sorry you've hit a dark place. Hopefully a ray of light will beam in soon. Sometimes life can be just too overwhelming. Hugs.

 

[KTMom91]

I know. Sending many soft hugs and some peaceful quiet.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Gentle hugs. Those dark places are not fun.

You ARE a good person, and you DO deserve to be happy. Can you do something just for you?

 

[Star*]

SISSY!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND YOU!!!!!!!! MY TWIN!!!!!!!!! (okay except for that part about having a easy child)

I SOooooooooooo understand!

and I'm with ya - if ONE more person takes credit for something I do - I'm going to do something stupid and blame THAT on them.........

(get yerself a phone book) and THROW - the current record is (unverified of course but we trust her) 18'. Personally if you're from a smaller town that GCV mom - you may move to first place - my life even inhales there - I live in the capital city of SC.......( ) thick is our phone book!

LET ER RIP CAT IN THE HAT WOMAN _

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

[Wiped Out]

Beth,
I'm sorry you are in such a dark place. I agree with BBK, you deserve to do something nice for you. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.

 

[ML]

Adding my understanding here. I know how you feel. I see you as a loving, intelligent vibrant person who needs to start claiming more of the good stuff. You deserve better. I pray that you figure out a way to shift things around and feel better soon. We love you. ML

 

[gcvmom]

Star's right -- 18'. Yellow Pages. The thicker, the better. If you can't find one big enough, might I suggest a Webster's Dictionary? But before you hurl it, look up the word "NO". Then practice saying it. Out LOUD. It's a very useful tool for preventing people from taking advantage of you by getting you to do more than they deserve from you. You owe explanations to no one. You only need answer to yourself. Speak your own truth. That's all that matters. People are always going to have an opinion about you, but what you think about yourself is what matters most.

Here's a quote from a favorite book of mine:

"If others don't appreciate us, do we really want to be around them? Do we need to let the opinions of others control us and our behavior?.... Who we are is all we can be, all we're meant to be, and it's enough. It's fine."

I'm sending you hugs and prayers for inner peace, and strength and courage to be yourself regardless of what others think. You're right. You ARE good. You DESERVE respect. I think you will find a way to get away from any situation that makes you feel otherwise.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) I hate those dark places! *shudder* Awful, awful, awful.

I think so much of this kind of thing emanates from how we see ourselves, not how other people see us.

In my day to day life, I'm fairly outspoken. I coordinated a function for a school district I work for. I proposed, contacted, agenda-ed, coordinated, and put the whole thing on. When it's over, NOT ONE PERSON THANKED ME. Everybody thanked the person where we held the event! I was fuming! She just provided the BUILDING, I did everything else. And that other person didn't say one thing to send any credit my way.

Oh boy, did I do some major venting (*&%^$#!!!!)to a colleague and dear friend who knew all the work I put in.

I agree about doing something for YOU. Just YOU. In fact, YOU not only must do something that YOU LOVE, it must be something that everyone else around you dislikes! Least they must think it very strange.

(((hugs to you)))

 

[house of cards]

Beth, in your posts you come through as a very intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, hard working person. You aren't invisible here. You deserve better!

I hope you can find a way to get more sleep, so neccessary, and I also think it's time you take on 1 more project...the treat Beth special project.

 

[Lothlorien]

All too many of us have been in the same situation. It's okay to reach out for help if you need it. It is not a sign of weakness to need help or medicine to get through some rough spots. Sending hugs.

 

[Andy]

Time for a break for you. Is there anything that you can stop doing (volunteer wise)? It will be hard to start with, but you can stop being available to help others.

This is not saying you don't care anymore (even though it feels like it, you really do). It is saying that you need to re-energize.

I am giving up Sunday School Superintendent after 10 years because I have recognized that it is bringing me down. I am resenting how I am becoming the go to person for everyone's complaints - you know, anything that goes wrong has to be the fault of a child at church which makes it Andy's responsibility! I love this position but I need a break.

Be truthful to yourself when considering helping someone. Can you really afford the stress (even good stress is stress and it becomes bad stress when you are on overload) of doing this one thing? Someone need a ride to the grocery store? That is their responsibility and if you are unable to, don't let them put any guilt on you. It is their problem to take care of.

I hope this makes sense. Last year I was so down feeling like you did and I decided to stop the world, clear my activities, and start fresh. It took a long time but it is working. I am a volunteer person like you. I live to help others but when that starts pulling you down, it is time for a break to take care of yourself for awhile and renew your strength.

You are a special person. Your wisdom and knowledge is so tremendous. You are correct, you don't need a piece of paper to tell yourself that you do know stuff and what you don't know you can figure out. Like me and everyone here, you have learned more than any formalized schooling can teach. You know what you can and can not do, what you want to learn. To me, anyone wanting to learn something is going to do a better job than someone who gets the job just because they went through a class but doesn't have the work ethic to grow in the job.

I had a friend facing a job interview once. She was concerned because she wasn't familiar with the job duties. I told her, "No one knows the exact duties of any job until you work it for awhile. What is important is that you go into the interview and prove that you are interested in this position and that you can learn it."

So, "Stop the World" for yourself by taking time for YOU! Then, when you are ready, slowly start your fun helping others activities.

 

[hearts and roses]

Beth, a few weeks ago I felt as you do right now. I really contemplated "making it all disappear" - how I hadn't figured out yet. But obviously I am still here...because I reached out. I'm so glad you reached out to us here.

One step at a time, you need to start refocusing on YOU and less on others. I know it's difficult to do when you've been the driving force in all the lives around you. How I started was by doing something I enjoyed. I learned how to crochet after Christmas and at the time I would never have dreamed it would help save me. Yes, crocheting helped save my sanity. I bought a bunch of cheap soft wook at WalMart and just started making scarves. Sitting there crocheting was therapeutic and it made me feel a sense of accomplishment; over my job (how I feed my family) and over being a spouse or parent. It was something solely for me. And then I started giving away the scarves and the feedback was more of a boost.

Anyway, my point is that you need to do something for you, only for you and no one else. And perhaps speak with a counselor so you can learn some techniques on how to put yourself first and care more gently for yourself; learn to say 'no' more often.

Begin with simple things like a walk every evening. Or meet a friend for coffee once a week. Learn about how changing up your diet a little can help your moods as well, or adding certain supplements; focusing on your own health. Small changes amount to great change.

Sending gentle hugs and lots of support.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Thanks everyone. Some days it just seems like you get no where fast. I spent some time with my sister in law today. She has a broken knee and I have been helping her out a lot. I actually don't mind the stuff I do for her because she is very grateful. I know it I see it I feel it. She is fighting a battle with an adult difficult child in her basement. She and I sat at the river today (we decided driving until we ran out of gas away from everything wasn't the answer) and talked. We took turns. And it was good. I don't talk much about things with husband's family. Just not the way things are. They are all older than I am and live very different lives than husband and I do so I am only close to a couple of them anyway. The world will continue. I need to sit and make a list of things I want in my life and don't and work it out.

Again thank you all for being here.

beth

 

[timer lady]

Beth, sweetie, sorry I missed this. Your life over the past years that I've known you here on the board, has been a whirlwind. I know that it takes a toll on your entire system ~ emotionally it hits the hardest.

All I can offer is take time & be gentle with yourself. Find help if you can. Head up to MN & visit with me here - would love to spend time with you. If I had the wherewithal I'd come down to visit with you.