Did this crazy, selfish, bizarre conversation really happen?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Pinch me. I'm still in shock.

    37 has been nicer to me since I set boundaries, but all that was blown today. I'm going to try to re-create the conversation we had. Not only is he bizarrely trying to force me to say things I don't feel (which he often does), but it was one of the strangest conversations I've ever had with anyone. Of course, I should be used to Bizarre Land with him, but each time it happens, I'm shocked all over again. The conversation is abbreviated and not word-for-word.

    The back story is that 37 has a new squeeze. It has lasted a whole week this time, which is a lot for him, and he is obnoxiously whiny when he is alone, but this woman has no downside that he can think of so far. And she sounds TERRIFIC. And last I talked to him, she was still sounding terrific. Also, you need to know that tomorrow I'll be at the hospital all day, taking an MRI, labs, having surgical socks fitted and talking to doctor, so I'm sort of distracted.

    Him: ...So I really didn't want to stay at Susie's house so I made some excuse and came home (Susie is a fake name). I mean, I was with her all week at my house and that was ok, but you know I don't like going to other people's houses. I don't know how it's going to go if I have to keep going there.

    Me: (thinking it's another normal, crazy conversation, but not mean) Oh, well, it will be hard to find somebody who just wants to go to YOUR house. You know how it is. You can't have 100% of what you want, but she sounds really nice.

    Him: Are you saying if I break up with her there won't be anyone else???? If so, that's very negative and I hate negativity.

    Me: Break up with her?

    Him: Stop being so negative. (Sarcasm here, but it's true. He didn't say it, but it's true). Just because every girl I've met so far has had issues I couldn't deal with doesn't mean I won't meet somebody who has no issues at all!!!! You're being negative.

    Me: How am I being negative? You can't expect anyone to just go to your house every time she sees you. (I didn't say this, but he doesn't ever take anyone out on a date).

    Him: That's what I mean! It's NEGATIVE!

    Me: (Getting irritated, but calm) It's not negative. It's realistic.

    Him: D&*% your realism! Realism is negativity!!! And I have no support system at all except you and you're always so negative!

    Me: Realism isn't negativity.

    Him: It's saying I will never find anyone.

    Me: I didn't say that. I meant that if you don't ever want to visit somebody else, it may be really hard to find someone.


    Me: 37, you are a man now and you have to decide what you do with your girlfriends. I just offered an opinion.


    Me: Look, I have stuff going on right now. You know that and I...

    (He disconnects)

    Not a word about my day at the hospital tomorrow. He probably forgot.

    I usually go radio silent after a ridiculoous conversation like that and a hangup, but this really bugged me so I texted him. I feel dumb that I did it, but I did. "That was mean. I'm have surgery and you hang up because you don't think I matter as much as you do. I'm lucky the other kids and Tom care. That was selfish. Call me and either be nice or wait until the surgery is over. I can't play hang up games right now. Thanks!" (Wow, what a whiny thing to text to him. I'm so sorry that I did. But, hey, I can out-whine him and it's not bad that he had to read MY whine, is it?) I do feel silly for sending anything though.

    He didn't respond.


    I wish I could take the text back and just go silent.

    I am still reeling. Yes, we have had bizarro conversations like that one before. It's not a first. But this one rated as one of the craziest ever. He has done his negativity crapola before though. The gist of it is, I can only say things he wants to hear, even if I don't believe what I say, and even if they are ridiculous. That is his idea of my supporting him. Honestly, it's just like a very young child might feel. But he thinks like a very young child. You'd be amazed to know his IQ.

    Oh, well, the woman is likely way too nice to have to deal with him.

    Since 37 has never apologized for being a jerk in his entire life, I don't expect it now so maybe I can have some days free of nonsensical phone calls until after my surgery on Feb. 24th. You know, although I expect it, it still hurts that he doesn't care about the surgery, even though it is probably going to be very routine. Both Sonic and Jumper offered to be there and Julie would come up if she didn't have the baby. 37? He won't even remember when it is.

    IF I see his name come up on my phone, he is on a long time out right now.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  2. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    This is true for everything that happens with my son. Groundhogs day. And for some reason I think (hope) things will get different. It probably felt really good to send that text. He'll have a chance to read and and maybe it will sink in more than what you said to him. Sometimes people don't "listen" when conversations get heated and sending something in writing is better. I hope your surgery isn't too serious, although I guess they all are!

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Carri. LOVE THE GROUNDHOG'S DAY analogy. YES!!!!! While it didn't feel good to send the text (I am so good at detaching usually) he'll read it, but it won't compute. To him, the only important issues are his own, no matter how trite and silly. This was not a heated or long conversations. I learned long ago to stay calm and to keep it short and to get off if it gets abusive, but he beat me to it this time (shrug). As for my son, he isn't going to change. He's already 37 and still thinks in this twisted, strange childish way he always has and thinks he is right. I'm so not expecting him to change...lol. Believe it or not, he is much better than he used to be...lol. I don't think however that his thinking will ever make much sense. It's true that he has no support system. He has no friends (gee, I wonder why, not that he seems to care) and his siblings all want nothing to do with him as they don't like how he treats me (or them). But especially me. My youngest wonders why I talk to him at all. She has heard him yelling over the cell phone, even without the speakerphone on. His father is still in his life (we are divorced), however he is no good at giving any sort of support to anybody. So he's down to me...when he is being rational and calm.

    Thanks for your empathy. It is much appreciated. My surgery is elective surgery so I'm not sick and it should be pretty easy. I'm more ticked off and irritated by this phone call I just posted than I am worried about the surgery...lol. I'm serious about that too.
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  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    He is uber-sensitive and totally self-centered.
    There is no way to have a normal conversation. Even about the weather.
    I'm sorry he is like that, and that you had that conversation. (Again.)
    Best of luck with-your surgery, and I hope it is a quick and easy fix, whatever it is.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Terry. It's that elective mastectomy I talked about in Watercooler and not until Feb. 24th. You care more than 37...lol.

    Oh, yes, his thinking is so off-the-wall and he expects the craziest things from me. I have to say this or that...and I know he didn't tell people what I said. They would agree with me...lol. The only people he talks to outside of me and his dad are those he works with so he doesn't have a bunch of people to tell ANYTHING to.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, that's right ... you did decide to go ahead and do that.
    So, it's almost 3 wks away.
    I wouldn't sit on the chair waiting for him to apologize or wish you luck. :( His thinking is really off the radar.
    My little sister just had a biopsy, and has the schedule a lumpectomy. Ugh. She'll be the third one of us in the family. But at least this is 2015 and we can move on. :) Trying to look on the bright side. :)
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I had Stage 0 cancer (non-invasive) eighteen years ago and at the time I begged for a doubt mastectomy...lol. They wanted me to have a lumpectomy, but I said no...I know myself, I worry, and I'd like both of the girls removed. Well, they only would remove the left one. Well, times change and now they often do double mastectomies if the woman is concerned about her breast cancer risk in the healthy breast. After the cancer scare a few weeks ago, I said that this time I'm having a right mastectomy done if my insurance will cover it. It does! I don't even have that BRCA gene and it will cover it. I might add, there were a lot of changes in that breast from last year to this year so that was a concern, although nothing was cancerous, still...plus with my anxiety disorder I had no trouble having the insurance pay to have this done for me.

    I'm looking forward to never having another mammo. That breast was at higher risk for cancer, even though the other breast had only stage 0. So I am very focused and sure that for me this is the right decision and am not even really worried. I had it before (the operation) and it was really very easy since no muslces or lymph nodes needed removal and the recon was great. I am very much looking on the bright side. No mammos or breast cancer to worry about :likeit: My husband, by the way, is all for it. He knows I can be a nervous nilly. Plus he has to go with me on mammo day because I get so nervous and pop a few tranqs and can't drive :wornout:

    Like I said, 37s exasperating conversation with me registered more on the radar than my upcoming surgery. I see good coming from the surgery. The phone call just re-enforced what I already knew: 37 has some very weird thinking patterns, probably has a narcissistic personality or at least traits, and he thinks of nobody before himself and his son. And his son is definitely an extension of himself. He told me he could never adopt a child. Really nice thing to say to me since I adopted several. He's just a peach that way...lol. Calgon, take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  8. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Good luck to you with your elective mastectomy. I don't know your history but think you are wise to avoid getting a malignancy if you have a strong family history. I'm sorry your son acted like such a jerk. I think it's great you sent that text & he may give it more consideration than you think. Hugs to you during this difficult time. You deserve love & support more than ever during this difficult time.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, it does sound like narcissistic personality disorder, now that you mention it. How sad.
    I'm glad that you're all set--financially and emotionally--for the surgery. (And reconstruction, since you had it done on the other side, too, right?)
    That's a good feeling.