difficult child 1 had a major meltdown at a friend's

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TeDo, Apr 14, 2012.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    difficult child 1 was playing at the home of a family with 6 kids (5 boys). He's been there most every day for the last week and their parents "adore" him...."he's such a good kid when he's here"...."he's so helpful".... "has such good manners".....yada yada yada

    Tonight, difficult child 2 was out walking with an on-again off-again friend of both my kids'. They walked past where difficult child 1 was playing. One of the boys called difficult child 2 and friend over. Friend started playing with them (dodgeball on the trampoline...hmmmm). They apparently have a rule that if someone is talking to someone else (not paying attention to the game), they cannot be hit. difficult child 1 was talking to one of the boys when Friend threw the ball at him....hard....and jammed his thumb. difficult child 1 apparently (according to difficult child 2) went off on Friend, throwing water at him when Friend made a comment like "quit being such a weenie, it's not like you're dying", yelling all kinds of extreme comments like "you're such a jerk you don't deserve to live" and "why don't you just go somewhere and die", "I just want to kill you" (Friend started laughing at difficult child 1), etc. difficult child 2 said he was REALLY glad there were no adults around to hear him because difficult child 1 was scaring him. difficult child 1 came home right after and got even more upset because he'd asked difficult child 2 why HE was leaving too and difficult child 2 REFUSED to answer him.

    Now, I know Friend "broke the rule" AND Friend "called me a name" AND Friend "doesn't care about anyone but himself"... BUT I need to somehow teach difficult child 1 that inconsiderate or not, you don't say things like that to people. He doesn't yet identify his own feelings and grasps at phrases he's heard others use when they're angry (on TV, other kids/adults, etc). I know he'd never do anything but I really worry about other's taking him seriously and I'm even more worried that I can't teach this unless I'm there when it happens. Social stories do NOT work with him. He knows the right answers but does not generalize AT ALL.

    I just feel so lost sometimes. I've thought about some sort of consequence when he's said these extreme things when he's upset but outside of grounding there isn't much that means anything to him. Then again, if he sets his mind on leaving, I can't stop him because he's too darn quick for me and I will NOT call the police for help again. Not ever going to make that mistake again. He knows he's done/said wrong after he calms down so I just don't know what to do to get him to think before or during a meltdown.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We are dealing with that hear. I hope someone has ideas. I'm plum out.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I can offer hugs, but... haven't been down this particular road.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hugs TeDo. I think you ask a 64,000 dollar question - as has been said, I'd like to know the answer too :) But that doesn't get you any further forarder... How receptive is your son to having it explained (and presumably) illustrated that speaking like this is going to lose him friends and cause him a lot of suffering? Is he able to see that playing out on a practical level? And then - as you say - does even understanding that enable him to have control of his impulse to express his hurt and anger in the moment? Does therapy for this sort of thing exist specifically for children in the States? Presumably that would help - practical help at role playing, at trying to change the habit that his brain sets up?
    Sorry I don't have any wiser advice.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    difficult child says these mean things to easy child, too, and it makes me both angry and sad at the same time. The worst was when he said, "Why don't you just go jump in a hole and die? No one wants you here, anyway." I don't know who was more upset. easy child, or me! I think this something that alot of difficult children say, but I don't have any more answers than anyone else. I'm sorry it went so badly for difficult child 1.

    Did difficult child 2 ever say why he left the friend's house and came home with difficult child 1? Was he too embarrassed by his brother's behavior to stay and continue to play?
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    No answers, I think because it is so multi-dimensional. As you said, if it was a matter of his not knowing that would be one thing, but the problem is the impulse control type of thing, maybe even a fight/flight response....they are just so upset that there are no brakes even if at a calm time they can tell you the consequences and what better choices should be made.

    I believe Q when he says he is never going to do that again, and he can list what he should and shouldn't do, but still when the recipe comes together the wrong way, he goes off.

    Beyond being right there to coach them AT that moment, keeping up with medications and yes, rehearsing options over and over (even though they already know them, deepening the neurological roads to make them the ones traveled more frequently...at least that is the idea).... I dont know what to do. For us, it is why Q is rarely on his own. I do take small chances just outside of our house but I am on our deck or sitting right by the window and listening in for any sign of trouble. Trying to intervene the second there is an issue even brewing.

    That at this point is back-firing too because of course he doesn't like to have his mom or Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) watching so he acts up in front of htem saying rude things to us to act like he doesn't really need us etc. Makes him look far more "different" but he can't see that. He thinks the attention they pay then, means they like him/he is "cool" but it is that they think he is over the top, sometimes they are scared, sick of it, etc.... They continue to try and give him chances but they dont like it. I stress every time he is with other kids.
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    I had the same problem with DD1 - overreaction to others misbehavior. All I can say is that you have to be a broken record telling them that two wrongs don't make a right. Yes the other kid is wrong, but they can only control their own behavior. You as mom can't go grounding the other kid, but you can ground difficult child. The world is full of idiots and unfair situations and our difficult children need to learn to live with that and walk away, or seek help or whatever other coping skills we can teach them.

    I haven't had this issue this year because DD1's teacher is AMAZING at preempting any issues and when something does go wrong, she handles it swiftly and effectively. Outside of school, DD1 doesn't associate with high conflict kids.
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I got some more information from gf2. He left because he was afraid of what difficult child 1 would do. He also said that difficult child 1 was trying really hard to just drop it but Friend wouldn't and a couple of the other boys joined in too which was only making things worse. He said he was basically proud of difficult child 1 for trying so hard and the other boys were just being "jerks". That makes me feel better but I still need to work with difficult child 1 on what is NEVER acceptable to say just because he's mad because you never know what other people might do about it. I told him that he could be charged with making Terroristic Threats and his response was "but I'm only 13." Now that I think about it, I think he was thinking "terrorist". Hmmmm
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    :consoling: YUP! That's the exact type of situation. KUDOS to difficult child 1 for keeping as level as he did. Such a catch 22 when the other kids are the ones acting all difficult child.

    TeDo, EVERYTIME there is a news story of kids getting arrested, suspended whatever for these kinds of threats, I share it with my kids. EVERYTIME. Doesn't hurt that DD1 got sent to the principal's office for simply running her finger across her neck, so they know it can really happen. I let them know they can say that stuff in the name of venting at home, but NEVER in public. (I do think our society has gone a tad bit off the deep end with this, but whatever)
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member


    This seems to be one situation where peer pressure vs difficult child's own issues will work out on their own.

    Yes, he does overreact. But considering his emotional rollercoaster, within his own limits, he did pretty well.

    Just wait to see if they get together again. And then maybe check in after an hr and suggest it's time to go home. Shorten their time together. And of course, talk to difficult child about what he did right, what he did wrong, and what can be done differently next time.

    Remember, our g's fg are waaaay behind other kids in their development. And when other kids tease or bully, it's going to really get blown out of proportion.