difficult child is bk to the usual in school

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Sep 8, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    well difficult child went to nurse yesterday, they just didnt' call me. she came home a bit mixed up over the day. she only had 3 hours of sleep the night before. yet she was wired.

    last night she pulled another crazy night on me. i got only 2 hours of sleep, she got 3. takes me a bit to calm down after handling her for 4 to 5 hours straight. some nites she's calm yet just can't sleep, that wasnt' last night she was irritable, nasty, you name it. horrible night.

    today back in nurses office again, texting me to get her, anxiety thru roof. finally got an appointment with-a psychdoc. i dont' know if i'm going to like him. yet it isn't until next tuesday. i'm desperate now. if this doesn't stop she's giong to wind up home schooled. this kids' been fighting school since pre k.

    her therapy in school isnt' set up yet dont' have team mtg. till next wed. so when she goes to the nurse they do nothing for her dont'; call in help to talk to her so i had to talk to her today.

    oh the guilt knowing she is having an anxiety attack and i'm forcing her to stay in the bldg. wow
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Fight the guilt. The more you take her out of school when she calls the more she will call. She may or may not adjust to the school schedule, but if you keep making her go in the morning and making her stay no matter what, the more she is going to learn that she cannot get out of school. It may take a while, but leaving her there to figure it out is EXACTLY what the tdocs and psychiatrists told us to do. IF you can stay strong she is now old enough that it just might work that she figures her own ways to cope (and use skills she has been taught by all the docs over the years) and she will figure out a way to handle the day in school. in my opinion she needs to be left in school to figure out how to cope with this. School is a fact of life, or should be. If you homeschool her it is going to be a LOT more battles and you already are pretty self aware enough and know she will wear you down and do very little, if any school work.

    Why not tell her that she can call you from the nurse's office during the day if she is sick, but she is not allowed to use her cell phone to call/text you during the school day? It would force her to only call home when she could get an adult to see it was needed, give you a set group of hours to be alone and sleep or get things done, AND let difficult child know that you love her enough to make sure she starts to get some time to be independent. If she gets bored enough in the nurse's office, she just might start to spend more time with the other kids.

    I KNOW her anxiety is high. And that she counts on you to talk her down when it is. I also know she has had years of therapy and help to learn to manage this herself. She is in middle school and really is old enough to start to handle this on her own more. She is also very used to just calling and coming home when she is bored or doesn't like what is going on in school. IF there is a true problem at school you will be notified by the nurse, office staff or principal/VP. Otherwise maybe being allowed to handle this on her own by not being able to keep calling you over and over during the day, and by not being able to use anxiety as a reason to come home when she doesn't want to be at school will help her in the long run.

    I am JUST guessing, and not suggesting you just ignore her anxiety. I am suggesting you allow the adults at school to handle it. The nurse, counselor, etc... will be able to see real panic and anxiety. But by NOT being able to just text/call you on her cell and get you to come get her, you are encouraging independence and handling her own problems, AND you are telling her that school is important and she has to go there and stay there.

    It also may put a degree of distance between you, so that you each get some time to be yourseelves with-o the constant contact with each other.

    I think I am garbling this. I just mean that it may actually be good for both of you to not be together always and for difficult child to learn that just because she is anxious doesn't mean she needs you as her "fixer" and her crutch. I hope that comes out as it is meant, which is not harsh or mean or uncaring. difficult child will likely accuse you of not caring when you start refusing to read her texts during the school day and refusing to come get her or speak endlessly to her on the phone during the day. This is a new school and in time someone will be able to take time to talk her through times of high anxiety.

    YOU have to be strong and not give in when she calls you to come get her. NOT UNFEELING. It will be very hard and you can let her know that separating like this isn't easy for either of you, but you feel she is old enough to handle this so you have to be mature enough and strong enough to help her handle it the best way you can - by giving her time and space to figure it out.

    If you keep going to get her you not only interfere in her education, you also teach her that she cannot cope without you, that she isn't strong enough or smart enough to use the tools she has to handle this.

    Hugs to you both, and I hope this made sense.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Made perfect sense. Im already on it. difficult child has not been taken out of school at all ever, except for once two years ago due to change in medication and she had bad side effect. other than that she's there, always. as far as talking to her i dont'. last school nurse and school personnel handled it. this school we haven't met her person yet. once they do meet that will be the one dealing with-her in school. it will be the same routine....... nurse calls psychiatric they come get her go talk to her. that's what we tried to do at last place. yet unfortunately psychiatric wasn't always available so nurses tried working with-her.

    so as you can see all amazing ideas but done them all. today i already told her about the phone and texting me lol. i told her upon receiving her first text go to nurse. than nurse called me because she didnt' know what to do.

    she def. needs to be more independent. its been hard though summer due to lack of friends she is with me all the time. she needs a good medication combo first and foremost than im praying the rest falls into place. we dont' just see the anxiety i also see that rage in her and she is 5 3 now. so needless to say i wont' be able to handle her much longer physically. all i've seen is pushing me soo far yet that's enough for me. she destroys other things when mad, or tries to. she goes after huge items like her bed lol. so i'm like pull away the bunk bed isn't breaking anytime soon.

    dont' get me wrong all great thoughts truly. yet i've been doing them all. and she is always told school is important, infact i told her it's illegal not to go. that's what i started year before last i think it was. the fear of the cops or school pysch coming to house was enough to get her off the furniture and into the truck.

    bottom line is she's a mess most of the time and needs medications. bipolar left untreated only gets worse. i made a mistake in giving her what she wanted which was a medication free experience after i had to pull the seroquel. stupid me, yet u live and learn and i figured if i'm ever going to do it now is the time prior to onset of puberty.

    i think what we are seeing now is a combo state. let's face it kid has been functioning for 2 days off 5 hours of sleep. me, im done baked cracked hurting and in need of sleep in a bad huge way.

    thanks for all your thoughts they were great ideas though truly. i hope other parents read this thread that have anxiety kids. it is about pushing back on them.
  4. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I have a daughter with anxiety and medical issues. I am homeschooling her due to the medical issues, but I can imagine her being so anxious at school that I would be tempted to homeschool her.

    in my opinion, you should try very hard to avoid homeschooling her. If you do, you will not get a break from her and her anxiety at all. You might have trouble getting her to do the work, either due to her anxiety over something or some other reason, and you will be responsible for all of her education, not just her homework.

    I would try everything possible to get the accommodations she needs at school as well as the right medications and therapy to help her, before you withdraw her from school. Maybe you could get the school to do a shortened day with all of her core classes included, if she can't manage a whole day.