Oh WTW, I am so very sorry, I too understand exactly how your're feeling, ...........not understanding, wanting so much to fix it, putting yourself in your difficult child's shoes and feeling so much empathy and sorrow..........I know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make him not only conform to the reality within which we all live, but also to feel comfortable in that reality. I've spent the last 12 some years trying not only to understand my difficult child, but to try to make her life bearable from my point of view. Often, from her point of view, she is just fine. I can't explain that to you, I wish I could. For me, this has been the most difficult experience of my life and I've had to shift my own thinking in ways that felt like I was trying to move an immovable mountain, and yet it can be done. So much of it is taking the focus off of them and putting it on ourselves. As I write that, I am struck by how simple that sounds in theory............and yet, as mothers, it's like asking us to stop breathing. If you haven't already, find yourself a therapist, counselor or group which specifically is supportive of these issues. As you likely know, I have been involved in the codependency side of a huge Chemical Dependency program run through the HMO I belong to. I also used to attend codependency anonymous 12 step groups. I've attended NAMI (National alliance on Mental Illness) parent groups, I've read scores of books, I meditate and exercise, go to an acupuncturist, have massages.........in other words, I do A LOT for ME so that I can stay balanced and healthy in the midst of such a sad situation which I am powerless to change. All of that helps me to be able to stay sane and stay (mostly) joyful in the midst of so much chaos which I cannot fix. I know how you feel ...sigh...and I am saying a prayer for you to find peace, detachment and acceptance. Many big gentle hugs coming your way WTW, from my heart to yours.......