difficult child transported by police to phosph -

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So I come home early today, after difficult children suicidal rants and by the time I get home he is asleep. Hmmmm. I let him doze, and stay with him for the day. Bio-dad says he will come over and take him to his house for a couple of days to see if he can get him stable, so I go to see my counselor.

    I get home, and difficult child is still at home. I ask him what is up, and he says he told his dad he did not want to go. So, great, here I am stuck with this unstable 6'3 kid. I said something, which I don't remember, and difficult child just starts going off. Throwing things, accusing me of things, telling me he is God and I am his minion.............blah, blah, blah. I turn around to walk out of the room and he hits me in the back so hard I fell to the ground.

    I picked up my cell to call 911 but of course you can't just dial it, you have to talk on a cell, cuz they don't know where you are. So, somehow I get out of the house, and hide in the bushes and call again and give them the address. He comes out of the house after me, and I keep walking into more and more public view hoping to deter him from more violence. While I am talking to 911 he takes the phone out of my hand and breaks it in half.

    At this point the police arrive and he become Mr friendly. Shakes the guys hand, and starts schmoozing. ***!!!!!! My neighbor is in her car, and is witnessing the whole thing, so she offers me a shoulder.

    The cop was really great, and I told him I needed him transported to a certain hospital, the only one I trust, so against their normal protocol they did.

    Once at the hospital I told them that in no way did I want to see or talk to difficult child. He is so manipulative and crazymaking, that I knew if I saw him, I would become even more of a basketcase. I also lied and said I could not make their mandatory visitations at 8, which was not a total lie, because, 4 days out of 7, I really can't. I just cannot see him right now.

    I know he need more help now than I can give. He needs to be somewhere that can possibly really help him. With him being 18 soon, I don't know how that will work.

    Please pray, and send positive juju my way that we find a place that can really help him, even after 18. I know nothing about any of this. If you have any insight please PM me.

    I have not yet completely broken down, I am still in denial. I cannot imagine that I will no longer have my kiddo in my house. Probably every again. He is my baby. And I love him so freaking much. But I have to let go.
     
  2. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Ya know, with that degree of violence in a kid that age, I'd have him off the Paxil quicker than you can say it. I don't see anything in his list of diagnoses that indicates he should be taking Paxil and everything in his behavior that indicates it's making things worse.

    by the way, I could have written your post back in the days when my son was your son's age and taking an antidepressant.
     
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yea, I know. But without the Paxil he is so anxious he tries to tears his skin off. Literally. He is the most anxious child on the planet..........he needs something.
    Paxil was added, after we thought the mood stabs were working.
    I don't know. Maybe it needs to be d/cd. Maybe all the medications need to be d/cd. I just don't know.
     
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Steely, you did the right thing. He needs to be safe and you need to be safe. I hope the psychiatric hospital is able to help stabilize him as well as offer guidance about the next step in the process.

    And I agree with Sara -- after witnessing what Paxil did to my middle daughter, I'd recommend getting him off of it ASAP.

    Hugs to your hurting mommy heart.
     
  5. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm glad he is safe for the time being, and so sorry he hurt you, I know you understand that he isn't stable right now but it still has to hurt. I will pray that they can find the right combo of medications. I am praying for you also.
     
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs, and hope they can help him. I do not have any experience with medications like paxil. Hang in there.
     
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    He has been on paxil 2 years........and for 2 years things have been really good.
    Now, out of the blue, things are crumbling for him as a human from the inside out.
    He hates his life, he is a recluse, he has no friends, he is beyond depressed, and he has watched me go through hell with H and my job.
    He is just not equipped to deal with all of this, and he needs more help than I can give him.
    I truly want this post not to be about his medications, but about your support.

    I know how damaging SSRIs can be.........I am the first one out of the hatch to tell someone to d/c SSRIs if that is the only medication. But he has been on 2 mood stabs, plus he was stable with Paxil for 2 years, he was good, and now, it is gone.

    I don't know what the medication future holds. Maybe d/cing Paxil is the way to go.

    But more worrisome is that I do not what HIS future holds. Where is he gonna go? How am I gonna be strong enough to insist he can no longer stay with me?
    That is the help I need right now.
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely,
    I'm sorry your difficult child is struggling so right now and that he hurt you. You absolutely did the right thing. I don't have any advice as my difficult child is so much younger. You are in my daily prayers and I will be saying extra for your difficult child right now. Gentle hugs.
     
  9. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I am so glad to know you are safe. Many hugs.

    beth
     
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You are strong, remember this. You are a strong woman, you are a strong Mom. You are scared, alone, having to "do" something you wish you didn't. Your son is unstable. He needs help, you should not be the one that has to do it all.
    I hope wherever he is, they do something and push as hard as they can to get this poor kid stable.
    Are you OK, you didn't get hurt did you? Let the psychiatric hospital think about the medications for a day. Take a deep breath, if only for the day.
    I'm sorry
     
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You absoLUTELY did the right thing sending him to the psychiatric hospital. And you absoLUTELY have to detach from this because of the violence. That has to be a very hard and fast line that can NEVER, EVER be crossed by ANYONE. That alone is reason enough for him to be gone from your home. You wouldn't allow anyone else in the world to do that to you, would you? It doesn't mean you love him any less. But for your own safety, he can no longer stay there.

    Tomorrow will be the first day of his new future. I wish I had experience to share with you, but all I can offer are hugs and prayers that his stay in the psychiatric hospital will open the door to more services that will help him find stability and independence, and that he will one day realize just how much you love him despite his illness.

    Hang in there and please, please, please take care of yourself! Make sure you eat. Make sure you sleep. Make sure you keep your therapy appointments. Your son still needs you to help him navigate this new path he's on and you will need to be strong for him.
     
  12. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Steeley, first of all, let me say that I'm glad that everyone involved is safe.

    As to not having your difficult child at home again ~ that is a fact of life with some of our children. As you know, we have been a "family of different addresses" for several years now. The tweedles are 14 now & it doesn't look as though wm will ever be able to live here again. It's not fair - it is what it is though.

    You will learn to handle this; a time of grieving, a time of relief & then you start living your life once again. Living with-o the constant fear of the other shoe dropping; the constant fear of abuse or physical aggression. husband & I still have a difficult time believing that we don't have to look over our shoulders for wm.

    It becomes a way of life ~ living in different settings but still being family. Your heart may break at first, but you will come out the other end a healthier parent. Hopefully, difficult child will come out the other end a healthier, functional young adult.

    The living situation becomes about young difficult child becoming as high functioning & responsible as he can. There are times a parent cannot provide this ~ for whatever reason, we cannot get through. There is no blame to this, again another fact of life.

    Take care & be gentle with yourself.
     
  13. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Steely, hon - tears of relief here.

    I'm truly sorry that it came about as it did, but I'm honestly just so thankful that you're both safe and that he is in the hospital. Bless the officers who heard you and got him to a facility you're comfortable with.

    And *huge* kudos to you for just saying "no" to the "mandatory" visits. I know how hard that must have been but I think it was a very wise choice. You absolutely need to focus on your well-being right now,

    For today, tomorrow, the next few days - focus on the day. There is still no way to know what his future holds. Much (if not all) of it is in his hands. See what psychiatric hospital staff come up with. It sounds like he really lost touch with reality and that some medication changes are in order - hopefully they will be able to stabilize him quickly.

    I'd hold off on making any decisions about him returning home for at least few days, if you can. When the time comes, this week, next week, next year (because the time *will* and should come), then you need to make peace with the decision that he needs to live somewhere else and you also need to make peace with the fact that his future is not in your hands. Telling thank you that he will never be living here full time again was physically painful for me, Steely. Honestly, *the* hardest thing I've ever done. I love my kid so much and want so much for him... but I cannot fight his skewed thought processes anymore. I cannot keep fighting for treatment and services when he adamantly refuses to participate and in fact, is unmoveable in his belief that he's fine and everyone else has the problem.

    We cannot force treatment on our adult kids. We can't force safe environments, safe housing, safe employment. We cannot force education or hygiene or even legal behavior. Our hands are tied, regardless of whether we're guardians or not. We've tried to prepare them, we can continue to offer them resources, but we have to at some point start letting go and let them find their way. The worry and fear about my kid's future sometimes overwhelms me to the point of paralysis. But there is nothing more I can do.

    But these are thoughts for another day, hon. Please, please, take care of yourself right now. Matt is safe. You are safe. Let the hospital staff do their jobs and you just take care of you, okay?

    A gentle hug to you.
     
  14. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Steely,

    I hope you are OK. You absolutely did the right thing. He can't be allowed to stay and hit you. He is unstable and is in the best place possible to keep the both of you safe.

    Try to keep your focus on getting through just this day. Let the psychiatric hospital worry about difficult child. Please take care of yourself for now and get stronger. I can only imagine the emotional stress you must be going through.

    Hugs and prayers for you.
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Steely, you did the right thing. He gave you no choice.
    I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sending peace and calm and detachment through the DSL. I'm glad you are both safe now. {{hugs}}
    P.S. Are you going to call your ex and tell him?
     
  16. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely,

    sorry that it has come to this but, it is all for the best. You are safe and difficult child is where he needs to be to begin the healing and get back to where he was before. It's hard, but it's necessary. Don't second guess yourself; you did the right thing.

    Sharon
     
  17. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Steely,

    I'm so glad you both are safe now. I'm with slsh, don't make any major decisions right now, your son is safe in the psychiatric hospital for the time being. Those decisions can be worried about another day. Take this time to try to regroup and recuperate as much as you can.

    Hopefully the hospital will bring him the help he needs, and hopefully he will accept that help.

    Sending you hugs and prayers and all the juju you need.

    Linda
     
  18. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    No experience with Paxil but something needed to be done so don't feel guilty. No real words of advice but sending hugs and glad everyone is safe.
     
  19. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Joining in with complete support and sending you prayers for strength. Many gentle hugs to you, I am so sorry for your broken heart. You will survive this, You will do the next right thing. I believe in you!

    Peace
     
  20. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hon, I'm so sorry you've gone through this, but you know, this might just be the right thing for both of you. You have said that he was getting reclusive a while ago, you were going through everything you were going through, and the two of you were almost becoming "codependent". It's sort of interesting that he's going through this right after you found peace with H.

    Maybe he thought as you were working through everything, that you and he were "in the same boat". When he saw you working through your life's issues, it could have been something too much for him to handle. "Why is she able to move on and I'm just stuck?" It could have sparked a major fear in him that his mind just could not take.

    Don't settle on the fact that you won't be together - they may come up with a plan of action that will allow him to grow and stabilize. I would suggest that you try and find a parent advocate that can help you work through the Social Services system. Have you applied for SS disability for him yet? I would suggest it - it could avail you to more help than you need.

    Keep posting - I love that your neighbor stepped up to help you - and know in your heart that we're all here for you!

    Beth
     
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