difficult child was arrested

[Nancy]

We got a call last evening from difficult child saying she had been arrested at the mall for shoplifting and was being taken to jail. So husband had to go up and bail her out since she has no monet and starts her orientation for her new job today.

I am beyond angry. Addiction is not difficult child's only flaw. She has been stealing since second grade. She didn't steal food or money for rent, she stole clothes with her friend because she has no money and wants nice things to wear. She could care less that her rent isnot paid nor her utilities and that collectors are calling all the time. She has no conscience, none. She does it for the thrill of it, just like sex and alcohol and drugs. She can stop drinking and using and she would still be in serious trouble.

She may be fired from this new job before she even starts now.

Nancy

 

[dashcat]

Nancy,

I know exactly what you mean about her having no conscience. It is beyond baffling. You have every reason to be angry.
Dash

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, hon... HUGS... Dash is right.

I understand her having a new job etc., but... Not sure why husband bailed her out. on the other hand - easy for me to say on this side of it.

UGH. More gentle hugs, hon.

 

[Signorina]

I am so sorry Nancy. {{{hugs}}}

 

[DDD]

I am so very sorry that she has upped the ante. I don't recall her being arrested prior to this time so maybe just maybe it will be an eye opener. Lord I hope so. Around here the merchants have a zero tolerance philosophy and actually take elementary school age children from the department store to the jail in a squad car. Fingers crossed that she was not treated with the respect that she has been surrounded by as your daughter.

Meanwhile I don't know what to suggest for you. Each of us who have traveled the arrest path have done our best to cope with the shock. It sure is not what we ever anticipated when we nurtured our difficult children. Hugs. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh, hon... HUGS... Dash is right.

I understand her having a new job etc., but... Not sure why husband bailed her out. on the other hand - easy for me to say on this side of it.

UGH. More gentle hugs, hon.

Agreed. I feel so horrible for you - for all of us having to deal with this bullkukka. I would like to say in no way would I have bailed her out but I know that feeling of hope. I have felt it and it is strong and you just want to believe so badly it is going to be what turns them around. But goodness, when does it stop? I am so so sorry...

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh Nancy, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Sending supportive hugs along with some hope that your difficult child can use this as a stepping stone out of where she has been..........

 

[Kathy813]

I'm so sorry, Nancy. I would like to say that I wouldn't have bailed her out but I also understand the eternal hope that a new job will provide a difficult child with a chance at living a functional independent life.

At some point, you will have to stop bailing her out but you and husband have to be at the same place where you can both feel comfortable with that decision.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Bailing her out of jail is not bailing her out of the trouble. She still has to get a public defender and go to court and take all the conseuqences and probably lose her job and have a record. We could get her out of it if we wanted, the arrest was flawed, the police threatened to arrest her if she did not open her bag, that is not allowed. Then he arrested her anyway. He did not see her take it. But we are not interferring, she needs to take what she gets. I feel somewhat the same as you do with mental illness. Clearly addiction is not her only problem and since she does have Borderline (BPD) this is a lifelong problem. She would have gotten out this morning on her own anyway and so maybe we should have let her spend the night in jail but she would have just called her drug dealer friends to bail her out so it is what it is. And you're right, we all have to do what we can live with and when we can't live with it anymore we won't. She isn't living here and we are not rescuing her, I say that's a big accomplishment.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy, it sounds like you have thought this through and are comfortable with your decison. That is all that counts. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

My only worry is the money you put up for bail. Will you be able to get it back? What if she doesn't show up for the court date?

 

[lovemysons]

What an ordeal Nancy...I am so hoping your daughter will wake up and wise up one of these days. I know you guys raised her well...It is so sad when our difficult child's do things that are so contrary to our own values and all that was taught to them.

hugs,
LMS

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm so sorry, Nancy. Is there any way you can leverage this arrest into an oppty for her to reconsider treatment or seeking sobriety? It may be laughable if she's not ready, willing and able, but I'm just hoping beyond hope here. It's understandably infuriating.

 

[busywend]

My wish is for this ordeal to get her interested into a legal career. You never know what will turn the light bulb on.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

I hate that she is dragging you and husband into this mess she has created. She is so blessed to have parents like you who have not just refused all contact. Hopefully someday she will turn herself around.

You did what you were comfortable with in regard to bailing her out. That means, to me, that you did the right thing. At this point, in my opinion, it is more about what is right for YOU and husband, not difficult child. I am proud of you for doing what YOU are comfortable with in this situation.

 

[dashcat]

Amen, Susiestar. Very well put.

 

[toughlovin]

Hugs Nancy.... it is so hard when they have all these issues on top of the drugs and alcohol. Clearly the substances make things worse, and make their already poor decision making skills worse, but they are still there all the same. As you know my son has been arrested numerous times, has a felony on his record and none of his arrests were actually directly drug related!! Hard to believe but true. We bailed my son out a couple of times, and the last couple of times let him sit in jail overnight. We have paid for an attorney and also have let him have a public defender. It all depends. So yes do what you are comfortable doing. I think there is something in the message we want to send to our kids that we love them no matter what and we are here for them... especially these kids with abandonment issues. At the same time sometimes it is time to just stop with the help.

Big hugs coming your way,

TL

 

[Signorina]

I totally agree that you did the right thing. And I heartily endorse that you have to do what's right for you and that it's a means of putting yourself first - something we rarely get to do with our difficult children. So think of it as something you did for YOU not her.

Sometimes we have to open a window a bit wider to give our difficult child's a vision of greener pastures ahead. Letting her stay in jail last night would have -perhaps- made her more desperate and would have caused her to miss her interview. That would slam that window shut. You kept her options open. However, it is still HER decision which path to take.

thinking of you dear friend...this must be exhausting.

 

[Nancy]

Sig that's exactly what I was thinking about, the job, she actually had orietation today and keeping her job is the only thing that may keep her out of worse trouble. She may get fired anyway of they do a check and find out but I just wanted her to have that chance. She still has to face the consequences herself.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

Nancy I don't "think" that her arrest would show up on a background check. Subsequently if she has a conviction then I believe it will likely show up. One more time your difficult child has a chance to avoid the bullet. Let's hope she figures it out.
Hugs DDD

 

[pasajes4]

My mommy heart breaks for you. I hope she hits bottom soon.