Discouraged

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Sep 3, 2009.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Youngest is back to planning to move in with boyfriend/fiance. She's already arranged to have my grandson's medicaid transferred to the new county effective 9/11. As I've stated before, she'll lose all public assistance (other than gs's medicaid) and become 100% dependent on her boyfriend. She's talking about going to school and not even working. While I admire her goals, I'm pretty frightened of her being so dependent on someone else. She's pouring on the guilt trip about my not babysitting grandson on a more regular basis "like other people's parents do" so she can doesn't have to pay a sitter. Excuse me if I want my own life right now. I adore him, I watch him occasionally, and I love spending time with him, but my needs and wants are coming first right now, and I'm enjoying the heck out of that. So sue me.

    Oldest is $200 short on her very first rent payment in her new apartment. I will not loan her this money (couldn't even if I wanted to, actually). I knew she couldn't afford this apartment, but there was no telling her otherwise. Her weekend bartending job has very unpredictable pay. She says she's looking for something else; but past experience tells me her version of "looking" is to put a couple applications, never follow up, and play on the computer or sleep all day. Why is it her friends find jobs, my friends find jobs, but she can't? Her [lack of] hygiene has something to do with it, I suspect.. among other things.

    I'm just so tired of being disappointed in my children's choices. Neither will attend therapy or evaluate the need for medications. Nope ,not my choices, I know, not my problems... repeat, repeat, repeat. I need to detach myself more and remind myself of the pat answers I used to be so good at giving. But dang, it gets exhausting sometimes, constantly walking on eggshells.

    Which reminds me, I should re-read that book again, too. (great book re Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD))
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Exactly when were you supposed to babysit grandson considering you work? I could understand her wanting you to do this if you were home like I am but you arent. Now where is daddy? Or is boyfriend daddy? I get confused. If this boyfriend isnt daddy, then call daddy up to babysit. If boyfriend is daddy, then they can both figure out how to watch their own kid...I did.

    I am sure you will continue to keep the baby on a schedule that you like so you can keep up your relationship with him. Oddly enough, I am meeting more and more grandparents who are having visitation that looks like divorce custody visitation. My therapist gets her granddaughter every other weekend and her ex-husband gets their granddaughter the other weekend. So the parents never have the little girl home on the weekends...lol. I would have loved that deal with my boys! Right now between Cory and us we get Keyana probably 3 weekends a month. We just split her up, one night a piece.
     
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is in the middle of legal wrangling re the father of the baby, he is only allowed supervised visitation at this point.. however he has not bothered to contact the agency doing the supervision so he never sees his son (and grandson's behavior has improved since not seeing his dad, go figure). Her boyfriend works nights most of the time.

    She's not wanting me to babysit during the day, she's wanting me to babysit so she can GO OUT. Guess what? I have a social life... I have friends. I go out quite often these days, and I enjoy it. I do sometimes watch him for her so she can do something, but other times (lots of other times), I have plans.. which really seems to tick her off (jealousy?). Somtimes, I'll try to plan something with my grandson, say I want to take him to the zoo on a Saturday, and tell her a week ahead that I want to do it.. then she ends up making plans to do something else with him and blows me off. Then, she gets mad because I didn't suggest SUNDAY instead when she changed the plan (I already had plans Sunday).

    Note that this subject arose (again) last night after I dared ask her if she could get someone to watch him on a Saturday for a couple of hours, so she could come over to help me clean out the closet in HER old bedroom (full of HER stuff). A whinefest ensued where she said she has NO ONE to watch him.. how hard that is... yada yada yada.

    This really is a repeat of a lifelong issue with Youngest, that "it's never enough" when I do stuff for her or with her. She pushes just the right buttons and I get defensive about it.
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CinVA....sigh. I am so sorry.

    I have only one suggestion that may possibly work in your favor with grandson and not to make it easier on dtr but so that you can have the relationship with the boy, depending on how far away they are going to be living from you set up a set schedule for seeing him now. Say you will take him once a month for overnights and maybe go take him out to McDonalds once a week if feasible. One with a playland maybe. Or every other week.

    You want to keep your grandma relationship with him even if your relationship with her gets rocky.
     
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Repeat after me...

    "I have done my time. I have every right to live my own life now."

    Again.

    Again.

    Again.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I could probably count on my fingers the number of times my parents babysat M. And they never once babysat L, but that was a different story. Still. You don't owe her a night out. You owe yourself a night out. Or a quiet night in. She'll figure it out. I know you won't waste your time worrying about her being upset over it. That which doesn't kill her will make her stronger. Maybe she'll get a job and pay a babysitter from time to time.
     
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My head is spinning. After ignoring me all day yesterday, Youngest finally called me at 11:30 last night. She is ready to break up with the boyfriend, severely depressed, etc etc. We had a good talk ... this breakup is the right thing to do for her, but the back and forth is killing me, so it must be killing her, too.

    While out with friends last night, I ran into a bartender that knows my Oldest. His reaction told me that something is up... a reputation or something that is keeping her from getting decent jobs. I suspected this, but it still made me sad to see it on his face. He covered it quickly and was polite telling me she was a nice girl and he liked her a lot.. but I saw.

    Blah. That's how it all makes me feel at this point. The emotional upheaval is exhausting .. and it's not even mine.
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I agree, the emotional upheaval is exhausting when adult "children" continue to make poor choices and I'm sorry for your aching heart.

    Your "kids" have hit 21 and older. It is time to really look at this differently. It's not easy and it hurts, but chances are high that this is the best way to approach it all.

    They have a diagnosis and because of this, I personally am open to helping to provide medical treatment. I do think mental health counseling can provide hope. Are your kids seeing a therapist? Would you be able to help with this treatment? Are they willing and able to go?

    Please take extra good care of YOURSELF. What goooood does it do them, you, your significant other, friends, employer, neighbors, the world...for you to walk around in a funk.

    Yes, it is ashame, but it is their choice at this point....again, I repeat 21 and older.

    They are saddled with a diagnosis. Medication and therapy is likely to be helpful. However, it is their choice to take medication and therapy. It is their choice to be thinking people, to learn from mistakes and to take appropriate actions that would enhance their lives.

    YOU can NOT do this for them. And you can make a choice to live a happier life.

    It hurts....it is rotten place/space for you. But it "is what it is." Again, I repeat...you do no good to yourself and others by worrying. You also set a bad example for your children when you worry tooo much or do toooo much.

    If you see that your adult children are taking advantage of you or making poor choices...pull back and pull back in a hurry. Stop. No more.

    You sense this is wrong...you sense correctly.

    You might offer to help when and where you can on a LIMITED basis that would NOT NOT NOT in any way shape or form, hurt you and if and only if you are being treated in an appropriate way.

    in my humble opinion, I would see what services are available in your community for low cost mental health treatment and offer to help with this for the kids if they are not receiving treament. Let the professionals carry some of this weight. And I would pull back significantly in your care/worries with- these "children." Furthermore, I would explore what YOU enjoy in life and I would do this asap. You will feel much better.

    Wishing you peace and happiness.
     
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I enjoy my life, believe me :) My social calendar is full (that's kinda the point, I don't have time to babysit lol), I'm surrounded by friends. I'm not walking around in a funk, I'm not depressed over it (maybe I should take that out of my signature, it's misleading.. I've had problems wiht it in the past, but I've been doing well for awhile now).

    This was just a vent. Discouraged yes, frustrated that it never changes, but I tend to vent about it, and move past it pretty quickly. I just wanted to share it with people that have been there done that.

    Neither girl will go for therapy or medications. They both know I'd help with that aspect, and they know what services are available where. I stopped beating that dead horse, however. Oh I bring it up occasionally, mostly when they call me up depressed about something, but I don't harp on it.

    Anyway. ... it's Friday, a coworker treated me to a Styarbucks Caramel Latte, we're likely to close early for the long weekend, and I have plans with friends to see a British blues band for happy hour. Life is good, overall :)
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Totally awesome that your social calendar is full!!!

    I kinda get what you are saying.

    It tugs at my heart at the moment when my difficult child is doing her difficult child thing.

    I try to let it be only a brief moment...it ain't easy...but its better this way.

    Sounds good to ocassionally remind the difficult children that mental health counseling is available to them. Perhaps think of creative ways to bring it up. Don't let it burden YOU though.

    Trust your gut/senses.

    Understand that you have done your best, that it is really up to them to do something different for a different result.

    Again, very glad that despite these heartaches, you are enjoy life....:D This sounds like a good choice to me!
     
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks, Nomad :) I feel better now... sometimes in a post it's hard to get across my true reaction to what I'm writing about, and without knowing me well, I guess it can seem like I'm falling apart here.. but truly I'm ok and know what I need to do, I just need reminders once in awhile and support from those who "get it."

    I learned a long time ago that "rolling with the punches" was the only way to live my life with difficult children. The "accepting the things I can't change" piece of the serenity prayer became my mantra. It makes me sad sometimes, and I vent when I need to, but do my best not to dwell on anything too long.

    A sense of humor is a MUST, too!
     
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