Do you ever worry about your easy child?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think I've asked this before, but I'm trying again because I do. I'm not afraid she is doing anything wrong. I know she's not. I'm worried about whether or not she is depressed. She does not let much out so it's really impossible to talk to her about it. She will clam up or change the subject or revert to, "I'm fine."

    Last weekend, she called me and I could tell as soon as she said, "Hi" that something was off. In the mom way, with our radar we have, I just knew so I said, "Honey, wht's the matter? Are you ok?"

    She said, "I miss you. Miss you and dad."

    My heart broke. I know a lot of people have the most anst over their Difficult Child's problems, but not me. I save it for my sweethearts. And with this one, I think I may have cause since she keeps everything inside. It is odd of her to say she misses us on the phone. Usually she texts nice things to us or puts it on her FB, but she doesn't say it. I told her her father would be there next Saturday for her basketball game. She said she wanted me to come. Red flag. I told her I had to work. She was quiet. Then, "I really want you to come" in a soft voice. I take a breath. "I'll call in sick." I never call in sick, but my daughter comes first. She doesn't ask for me often.

    "OK." She sounded a little relieved.

    "Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

    "No...I...I just miss you guys. So much."

    I reminded her she could transfer to college right here, but she said, "No. I can't." No explanation. Sports maybe? Her school is a tech college, but does sports. The one near our house is the only tech school in the state that doesn't do sports. Sports make her happy, but I'm afraid there's more. "I didn't say you HAD to come home, sweetie. Just remember, you always have that option. They have Criminal Justice here too. Even if you never do it, when you miss us, you can always think that you do have that option."


    Finally, "I can't go there. So you're coming?"

    "Do I lie to you?"

    "No. But you don't like to miss work."

    "You matter more. Don't worry."

    We got off the phone and I'm baffled. I tried to figure out what may be going on so her dad and I can cheer her up. Is it her ex-boyfriend again? Very high possibility. When she loves, she loves. It has been a year. Valentine's Day is coming up. Prom will be soon and he is a senior in high school and would have taken her. Well, what can I do to make her feel better about THAT? I can't. But then I get scared.

    I worried for so many years that 37 may kill himself in an impulsive act or to teach us a lesson. He wouldn't mean to actually do the deed, but if you play with fire...

    Could she get so depressed she'd do it? Would she? I have thought about it a lot this week. I did suggest therapy and I get cut off at the first syllable. "No."

    Luckily she has a huge support system of nice kdis at school. I've met all her close friends. Is it enough? She was so on-top-of-the-world in high school. In fact, she was on top of the world before she broke up with her boyfriend and then decided it was a mistake...and he would not risk taking her back.

    School is going well for her. Grades are fine. Lots of friends. Something is "off" I know it. And I won't have any time to talk to her bout it Saturday because we can't stay long after the game. Hubby has had two corneal transplants and still can't see too well in the dark, and I can't find my way around the block so the only solution is for him to drive before it gets dark. She would just say "I'm fine" anyway.

    I know, I know. It is what it is. I can't control her. I can just love her. But it's so much harder when your child has been joy and sunshine all of her life, I think.

    I wish I knew what was wrong.

    I know I will not find out unless she decides to tell lme.

    She does miss us, but it's for a reason. Somehow she wants the comfort that she got as a little child now...and that means she is feeling sad and vulnerable.

    Sometimes I wish I'd never chosen to be a mother. It's so hard. I am split four ways with them. Tomorrow I have to drive Sonic around to go shopping then watch him on his bowling team then drive him home. He is so easy. NEVER sad. Julie is in a good place. Soon I'll be driving down to see her so I can rub my little Buddha's head (Granddaughter) before I have surgery on Feb. 24th. I am not concerned about 37. Right now he and Grandson are stable. Seems like Jumper is the one I worry over the most now, although it is very sporadic. She really tries not to worry us, although she knows we don't mind.

    Always somebody I love to worry about.

    What if I hadn't had any children? Would my life be easier now? Would I be lonely? Would my husband be enough?

    Anyhow, getting off track here.

    This is kind of a vent. It's ok if nobody wants to respond.

    As always I am grateful that this board exists as it is sort of a journal for me as well as a place where I hear from some of the bravest people with the best hearts ever. Thank you all.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2015
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM-Even though she won't talk to you (yet) about what is bothering her, she is getting comfort by both of you coming. I agree that if I received a call like that I would also think something was going on.

    Is this Jumper's second year? I think it is if I am remembering correctly? My daughter just moved away this semester (she had been at a local tech school til then) and she has definitely had trouble adjusting but seems to be doing better right now.

    I hope whatever is bothering Jumper is temporary and either way that she will open up to you. (((hugs)))
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. No, it's her first year and we aren't even that far away.

    I guess I have to wait it out.

    It isn't like 37 where he tells you in every way possible what is wrong and why it's your
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You know, when I went to college I was SO homesick and missed my parents SO much! I called them every night. I cried my eyes out. I went home on the bus every other weekend for the first semester and probably once and month the second.

    I got along. It was really hard and I missed my mom. We were really close. But in the end it was fine.

    It's not unusual that she misses you guys. Maybe she's upset about the boyfriend or maybe she's having a problem with some of her classes...added stress makes you want to go home...even if you feel you either shouldn't or can't.

    How nice that she loves you soooo much!
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  5. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    MWM, my husband and I question every day whether or not we made the right decision to adopt kids. Often our answer changes, but in the end, it's my opinion that there's nothing like the feeling of being appreciated and needed in a healthy way. From the way you described everything, your relationship with your daughter sounds so healthy and sweet. I think it's wonderful she knows she can call you and even though she asked the question, "So, you're coming?" out loud, it seems to me that she is so confident in your love that she suspected you would come.
    I hope when you see her that everything is OK and manageable with mom talk and mom hugs.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Lil and Mominator. I feel better now, Lil. Remember, my home life was so awful that I can't imagine missing my mother!!!! She was so horrible I didn't want anything to do with her!

    Jumper can come home every weekend, but she doesn't. I think she wants distance between herself and her ex boyfriend. But, whatever it is, I will be there for her.

    Mominator, Jumper was adopted straight from the hospital. I knew and loved her birthmother and was there for Jumper's birth. We are extremely close and she is close to her father too. It is actually the same with Sonic, my adopted son who has a form of autism. Julie came at five months from Korea and we are also close and she also comes to me when she needs comforting and her daughter, my grandbaby, is the sunshine of my life! I do have a biological son whom I am very close to, but he can be a

    I do bless their love, every single day. I just hate how hurt we can get when they are obviously not doing as well as we'd like. I have to remember that Juper is strong. She is my other sunshine. Ack, all the kids are sunshine to me.I know you feel the same, even when they cause you problems. 37 is still "my boy." He has always been very attached to me in his mind, even when he was married and went low contact to please his ex.

    Thanks again.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Those are wonderful words to hear.

    "You matter."

    "Don't worry."

    You were right there for her, MWM. You heard her. You are coming, soon.

    Now she will be strong enough.

    You cannot take whatever it is on for her, but you can help her be strong enough.

    "You matter."

    "Don't worry."

    Those are such healing words.


    You will be there Saturday. You love her so much and so openly and so deeply that just knowing you are coming will help Jumper. I think moms raised by mothers like yours was, and like mine was, never really understand how it is that our kids and grands can take such comfort just from knowing that we know they feel badly, and that we believe in them.

    I think you handled everything very nicely, MWM. We will all be waiting to hear how Jumper is.

    All her Board aunties will be waiting to hear.

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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Cedar. It is because of my mother that I sort of know what to say that will soothe my loved ones. I just do the opposite of w hat she did.

    She was a teacher, after all.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    MWM, she is blessed to have you!! I only have the one, I wanted more children, lost one and the year after that had to have the "oven" removed, I was 29. Over the years of dealing with my son and all the drama and chaos I have wondered what it would be like to have a easy child.
    I don't think as a parent you ever stop worrying about your children whether they are easy child or not so much.
    It's a special gift that she misses you, that she needs you, that she wants you to be there.
    Hopefully it's just a bad case of being home sick and nothing more.
    I love that you love her enough that you will miss work.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, everyone, Tanya especially.

    I thought of adoption after I had 37. I did not want to spread my tainted DNA any longer, but I wanted a big family so we adopted (well, both my husbands adopted kids with I should start a soap opera called "All My Husbands."Actually there were only two.

    I have a very close connection to all of my kids, except for the one who left the family, and it still can hurt if I let myself hurt, but I am good at thinking about my blessings when the thought comes up. It turned out to be a good idea. 37 is close to me and we are getting a much better relationship now that I set boundaries, but, honestly, I am very close to Julie, Sonic and Jumper too. And, although I'm concerned about Jumper (very much so), it does warm my heart that she wants me there so badly. It makes me feel like I did my job...not become my mother. I never would have asked for her for any reason.
  11. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    When my daughter went away to college, she was over 300 miles away and had no car. The first semester, I sensed that she was a little sad. I told her to go to the school counseling center, where they are experienced in dealing with the issues of college students. She went for about 3 sessions and then called and said she was fine - she joined an a capella singing group and began some other activities.

    Maybe you can check out where the counseling center at Jumper's school is located and pass by it and point it out. Tell her that if she ever wants to talk about anything confidential she can go there and they are experienced.

    It hurts when you think they are sad, but being away at school is so good for them. I never got to go away to either college or law school and I am so happy that daughter and difficult child are able to.

    Enjoy the basket ball game.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jumper doesn't talk to anyone about her problems, rarely even her friends. She won't go.

    I don't know if going away to school is good for all. My daughter is not shy and is in sports, but she is still struggling. She would never have reached out if it wasn't pretty bad.
  13. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    Then I can understand why you are worried. I am telepathically sending you a hug.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    Checking her FB, I have a good idea what it is. Is mother's intuition good or what? She posted a cheery post from another site about how all you need for Valentine's Day is your great friends. Thankfully, she has so many. But Valentine's Day is reminding her of last year, when she was with her boyfriend. I suspected so. And prom day is coming up too. Daughter was Prom Queen Junior Year (her school makes it a Junior Prom). Her ex-boyfriend is a year behind her in school as he is a few months younger. He won prom king his year. And she was so proud of him. Honestly, they had such a fun relationship, I still don't know why Daughter broke up with him the first time, then decided she still loved him...but it was too late. He'd already been through enough devestation and he won't talk to her now. He got over her. She can't seem to completely get over him.

    Honestly, when I was her age, if one boy dropped me I found another I didn't ruminate over guys. I liked them, but I got over them quickly. Jumper isn't like that, plus this relationship was a deep, best friend relationship without sex (don't ask me how I REALLY know, just trust me that I do. Oh, yeah and her gyne mentioned she was a virgin sign of sex).

    Because she is a very good girl who is not interested in a physical relationship, and this boy was willing to do it her way (his first girlfriend and he is very shy and sweet and religious), Jumper isn't going to find a new boyfriend easily anyway and she doesn't try very hard. She just is sad about this one. She has not been the same since the break up, almost a year ago.

    I do wish she'd go into therapy.

    She won't. I can't control her.

    Of all of my children, I worry the most about her because she comes across as so strong and she is so sensitive inside and doesn't talk about things, which I think helps. Even her friends had not known she was going to break up with J., nor why she had done it. They didn't know she still liked him either for a long time.

    Jumper is my baby, my youngest, in many ways the one I feel closest too. I love her to the moon. Our connection is very, very strong, although we both have our own lives and don't talk every day. That connection is always there.
  15. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Awww, hugs to Jumper.

    It is VERY good news that she can send out the SOS to you. I never had that with my mother and I'm always a little jealous when others have such a close relationship with their daughters. [Difficult Child 1 is making it well, difficult to understand this dynamic].

    I hope she's ok and just a little homesick.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Trust me, cubsgirl, if I had EVER told my mother I wanted to see her, something that would not have happened as she didn't like me, she would have mocked my sadness, especially if it was over a guy. She was forever accusing me of being a four letter word that starts with s and ends with t and means loose I was a virgin, but what did the truth So I had no dynamic like this either. It is the first time.

    I am very emotionally close to Jumper, yet, for all that she is so very outgoing, she does not share a lot about herself. I have to sort of read her and I'm used to her so I can. I am not as close to my other daughter, but we're close. There is something extra special about my connection to Jumper and Sonic. I am definitely also connected to 37 and Julie and especially that little grandbaby, but I think the fact that these younger kids grew up in a stable home with my second husband game us all a chance to relax and be close without fighting and splitting up. It was a great pleasure to marry my second husband and raise these two wonderful children.

    I truly hope your daughter comes around one day. I know the pain of a child spurning me too...I have had that dynamic as well and it is so unworthy of you.

    Things were not as smooth with my first husband and it showed with all three of the kids from that marriage struggling in some way...

    Thank you for your good thoughts.