Don't feel like

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, May 28, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    much of a warrior mom tonight. I just want to throw up the white flag and surrender:whiteflag:

    I think I've posted before that I just haven't been able to call the police on difficult child even though I should have. I think tonight I should have and again just couldn't. It's the advice I would give if someone else told me this happened. Yet, I haven't been able to do it but I do think I am getting closer to the point where I will.

    difficult child and I came home after school. He raided the fridge and I really didn't say anything as I am sure he was hungry. I went upstairs to rest a bit.

    Next thing I know he is trying to go into easy child's room to get some batteries. I told him he needed to get out of her room, he kept saying that she owed him batteries (this is true). He stepped out and I told him we would talk with easy child when she came home but in the mean time he needed to stay out of her room, it wasn't o.k. to just go into to take something.

    He tried to go in and I tried to block the door (probably shouldn't have) and he elbowed me in the stomach. I told him he was at stop the world. He said it was a reflex and he didn't mean to do it. I told him no violence, it was still stop the world. I went to lie back down. He was upset and came in with a belt and started acting like he was going to hit me with it. I told him he needed to stop because if he hit me, even if by "accident" it would be stop the world for tomorrow as well.

    It did "accidently" hit me so I told him it was stop the world for tomorrow. He tried to convince me otherwise but I held firm. He took a few deep breaths and then calmly came at me with his hands out headed for my neck (he is strong but much smaller than me so I was able to hold on to his wrists until he eventually calmed down, only about a minute).

    That's when I think I should have called the police but in my mind I'm thinking he didn't actually get his hands around my neck, I was able to handle it, what could the police do anyways?

    The rest of the night he was fairly calm until just before bed. He actually had been sleeping in the car on the way home from the club. He walked into the house and went right to the fridge. We had to remind him no dessert and he started threatening and said he was eating it. We told him his choice but he would end up with further consequences because he is not allowed desserts on stop the world. He chose to eat it and then accidently broke part of the freezer!

    Sorry this is so long and I feel like I've been posting too much lately but I just need to get this out. Thanks if you made it this far.
     
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Don't feel alone - I should have called the police yesterday too. The only reason I didn't was because in the heat of the moment I couldn't get 911 dialed and pick up phone before she ripped the wires out of it. My son also came home and she took her medications. If the hospital doesn't see her having the rage they won't admit her to the psychiatric hospital, so after she took her medications I knew it would be a waste of 8-20 hours by trying to get the admission.

    I wish I could teach Angel to respond to something like "stop the world" unfortunately when she has a rage its like she is thinking in "dinosaur brain" and can only respond with aggression. I'm so sick of having sparing practice with my kid waiting for her to get control again, its exhausting. She did handle the consequences for her blow out so that's one thing that went well but she is very unstable and needs a medication adjustment in my opinion.

    I hope some of the others can give you some tips cause I am running low on ammo over here myself.
     
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so WO. It is so very hard to know when you need to call. It looks like difficult child is escalating. And we all know that the end of school, transitioning are both triggers for our difficult children. But violence is never acceptable. You know that. And you know what you need to do. I am so sorry you are feeling defeated, but you need to get the power back into your hands, or things will not get better.
     
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry you are going through this.
    I get it though.
    K hasn't been very violent lately, but she has had many, many times when I am sure every one here would have said call the police or take her to the ER.
    It is that feeling that it will be better in the Morning. Or it will be better it in a bit.
    It is going to pass...
    I just can't do this to my kid...
    A lot of times it did pass or we were able to get her into the psychiatrist in a day or 2.
    I just sat there crying wondering what to do, wondering why my kid wants to die or covered in bruises.

    These things are always a guessing game.
    Will they just send him home or act like you are over reacting? How do you know?

    I hate this, I hate that any of us have to even think about these things.

    I would put a call into his psychiatrist though. Maybe he needs a medication check? School getting out is stressful.

    I am so sorry.
    I surely don't have the answer.
     
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I am at the same place tonight, but my difficult child has been verbally nasty. Yelling screaming demanding. Why don't we just run away together? Calgon take us away.
     
  6. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    sending hugs....
     
  7. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    Hi Sharon--
    I just can't send hugs....I know you are hurting....but I must say it again....difficult child is not stable....imagine the guilt you will feel if he does hurt someone....no one wants to call the police on their own child.

    I understand you not wanting to call the police, but something has to change. He needs help. He is being violent...and this can not be tolerated...You know you and husband are doing everything you can...unfortunately it isn't enough right now.

    I know you are not happy with the local hospital....but how far away is a different one?
     
  8. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    I have been there, done that, as far as getting involved in a confrontation with a difficult child that turned physical or vandalizing and failing to call the cops. It's so easy for others to tell you to pick up the phone and call, but as a mother/father it's so difficult. I've only done it twice: once, when I had a safety plan in place that if my son physically struck me, I was to call 911 and have him transported to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation, and the second time last September when difficult child 2 pushed my huge, heavy tv off the stand and broke it (thank goodness it wasn't a new one, it was an old piece a garbage, but it was my main TV), then verbally threatened me. He ran away to his dad's house before the cops arrived but I did have him charged with disorderly conduct and they threw in a DV charge for verbal threats. He had to go to juvie court and it was instrumental in getting a judge to order him to committ himself to a diagnostic program in PA after Christmas.

    I have found that the police can often be rude and insulting, as if you are pestering them with a parenting task. And therapists can second guess you and ask why you didn't call. After the first time I called, and it did not result in an admission (he didn't meet the criteria), I thought, I'll never expose myself to the sneers and attitude of the police who arrived (four cars, two men in each, for a 13 year old? Adn they ended up letting us drive him ourselves to the hospital). I called the second time because I was fed up with my son trashing my house and my property, and sick of living in fear of him.

    He doesn't do any kind of physical aggression or vandalism any more.

    However, I think you need to report his physical aggression toward you to someone. It usually escalates, and if he goes after his sister and hurts her you will have to deal with CPS on top of everything else. What does your spouse say about this? Does difficult child only go after you when dad is not around? I think you need a safety plan, and he needs to know what will bring the police and result in him being taken to the hospital.
     
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HelpAngel-I'm sorry you too are dealing with this. It really shouldn't be this way.

    Everywoman-You are right. I think part of the problem for me is that I start to minimize things, maybe to make them seem they aren't as bad as they are at times. I think to myself, I didn't really get hurt, I was able to stop him. Maybe he wouldn't really have done anything with his hands. So hard to know. Part is that in the past when he was hospitalized the violence was daily. with very few stable moments. It's different this time as he doesn't seem as "off" as previous times. He has had some very good moments in between that start looking like "progress".

    Toto-You nailed how I feel at times. We have done medication checks recently. The last 3 weeks in a row we have increased his medications. I keep thinking they must need more time to kick in.

    Crazymama-Running away sounds like a great idea-where are we going?

    Recovering Doormat-It's great your difficult child isn't violent anymore! difficult child will try to come at me when husband is around but not as often. He has even threatened husband but rarely actually gone after him. He used to go after his sister but he is actually afraid of her. She has a black belt and even though she is a lightweight I am more afraid she'll hurt him. She has defended herself in the past and he doesn't go after her often. I refuse to go "after" difficult child in a violent way, I know he could get hurt and then be "afraid" of me. I just don't want that so I think he sees me as weak because while I defend myself I don't go after him physically.

    Jannie-I appreciate all of your thoughts. The next closest hospital is an hour away. One thing I thought I could do is talk to the officer that teaches in my classroom. She teaches kind of a safety program about unsafe behaviors that the kids may face as they get older and how to say no. Maybe she'll have some advice. I think if someone comes it has to be a male though as he doesn't seem to respect females as much as males.
     
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, stop the world doesn't seem as effective as it once had been. Please call the police & ask for transport of a mentally ill child. I admire you yet I fear for you at the same time. wm was physically & sexually aggressive here; we tolerated it for just so long. Drew our line in the sand & now we're a family of different addresses.

    AND wm is healthier for it; kt & I feel safer & healthier as well.

    I wonder if you realize that you have become his verbal/physical punching bag & that just living there allows him to continue. It's ingrained at this point.

    What are your options? I don't mean calling 911 - I mean long term. All the interventions that you & husband have utilized haven't stopped difficult child from attacking or attempting to attack you. So what are your options? This can not continue as difficult child grows, gets stronger. Stop the world isn't working, sweetie.
     
  11. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I'm sorry that he is being aggressive. It is a pattern that has happened before. I think you drag your feet about going up a notch with outside involvement because you know it will happen someday and you are postponing as long as you can.
    I understand your mentality of not being physical with him but if he harms you in a way you can't minimalize, he will be in jail. They will be physical with him. His aggression with women is terrifying to me personally and I'm glad easy child defends herself. He then sees women are not powerless.
    I don't know how you stay calm but it is a bit like battered wife syndrome isn't it? Making it not seem so bad and justifying all his negative choices while intellectually you know the right things to do. Blaming a lot of his thinking on outside triggers. It sounds like a battered victim doesn't it? I react very strongly to physical aggressiveness which is why I get upset when I hear that one of us mother's are in harms way.
    I think the survivor in you posts because you need to get the feedback to help shore up your resolve and to keep balance in your reactions. We all use it as a way to make sure we are on the right track.

    I know you know it is only a matter of time before he pushes things too far and his destiny isn't in your hands anymore but I believe you are trying to teach and parent as much as possible before that time in hopes some of it sticks.
    His violent outbursts are not an overly emotional reaction during the course of an argument. His violence is always sitting there waiting for a trigger.
    Many hugs to you. I hope this period of instability will lead to a better treatment and a better homelife for all 4 of you.
     
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Sharon--

    These situations are SO hard....

    This is the sort of thing that I have been questioning myself. It's very easy for an outsider to say 'O that's not right! difficult child can't do that. You should call 911!"....but I find that it's usually hard to see the "line". When has the behavior officially crossed the 'line'...? Does there have to be blood? Bruises? Broken glass? What if difficult child is only threatening to hurt someone? Aren't they always being disagreeable at some level? Who is to say which time they will actually get angry enough to cause injury?

    And if you call too early, the police are likely not to take you seriously and then what happens? difficult child wins. Ha! Ha! difficult child is right and you are wrong! And we, as parents, cannot risk that can of worms.....

    But if you call too late......

    It's impossible!!!!

    Sending (((((hugs)))) and support and a wish for a crystal ball so that you will always know the right thing to do.

    --DaisyF
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WO....you said something that I think is very interesting. You wont go after him physically because you dont want him to be afraid of you.

    Why?

    It appears he only respects people he thinks are more powerful and in control than he is. Shouldnt the people in his life that are the most powerful and dominant people be his parents? I think a little fear makes kids be more respectful or at least they will fake it. Personally I dont care which one it is.
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. It is so HARD to call the police when our child hurts us.

    Even when we know we should.

    If you can't call the police this time, what will you need before you can?

    Please make an appointment at your local Domestic Violence facility for some help. It usually doesn't cost anything and they will have more ways to help you (not that we won't or anything). When I was in your shoes they were very very helpful and empowering for me.

    I am so sorry.
     
  15. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Calling the police on my son was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I know I should have done it before, but I don't like having outsiders involved in my family life. I only do it when I feel that there is simply no other option.

    I think, too, that this is one of the negative side-effects of developing a tough rhino exterior. I think having one is necessary for survival with these type of kids, but it can make some of us oblivious when it is time to make that call. I know I have learned to tough out or ignore so much of Son's antics that it seems he had to finally do something so ridiculously outrageous to get me to make that call.

    I think I was fortunate that I got an officer has a difficult child (now an adult and still a difficult child) who has just been diagnosed with AS and shared that she has been through the mill with him.

    It's a big line to cross, but sometimes it's necessary.

    (((hugs)))
     
  16. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Sharon, I'm so sorry - trust me, I'm about the last person to offer advise. It just seems like you get to a point that they do something outstanding and they do something like this.

    Call the police? Been threatening it for the last couple of days. Hospitalization? Terrifies him, but he gets puffed up and says "go ahead"

    I can send you a hug, but no advice from this nvthouse!

    Be good to yourself!

    Beth
     
  17. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    I may have said it before, but a safety plan is imperative at this point, for your sake, your husband and daughter's and your son's.

    I think the suggestion to go to a domestic violence agency is excellent. I agree that when you live long term with difficult child's who are aggressive, it becomes the "new normal," and you put up with stuff that astounds the rest of the world.

    Don't beat yourself up for minimizing things in the past, a lot of us have done that. Just go forth from today resolved that you don't have to tolerate behavior in your home that you don't want. A SW who did in home services for us said that to me several times, and it became kind of a mantra.
     
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda-You are right, we have lots to think about, it's very possible he may not be able to stay at home at some point and we need to have some options.

    Fran-Thank you Fran, your post actually is so insightful on everything you said.

    Daisyface-Thanks for the hugs and I love the wish for the crystal ball.

    Janet-I think I'm actually afraid if I defended myself he could get hurt. My luck I'd get charged with child abuse. You are right about how it seems he only respects people more powerful than himself.

    Susie-Good question, what will it take? I wish I knew. I'm surprised at myself for not being able to make the call. Good suggestion about the domestic violence center. With summer break I may actually have time to look into it, now to get up my courage.

    Dazed-Thanks for sharing your story. It really is hard to make that call.

    Beth-Thanks for the hugs, I hope things get better for you soon too.

    RD-I agree it becomes a type of "normal". Sad isn't it?

    I did talk to the police officer today who teaches in my room. I asked when do you make that call? She didn't have a firm answer but when she heard we have a plan to hand to the police if we call she thought that was a very good idea because then they know how to handle it.
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Here you can protect yourself from someone and you can spank a child as long as you dont leave bruises. It doesnt matter how old a child is. Well...I take that back. I assume spanking an infant would be frowned upon but we arent talking about an infant here. Maybe call your CPS department and ask point blank what your rights are then tell difficult child if they are in your favor.
     
  20. ML

    ML Guest

    I have nothing to add except basic encouragement. Everyone else said everything I would say and I just want you to know I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs and Love, ML
     
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