easy child broke my heart this weekend! Should I stilll......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mog, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    easy child broke my heart this weekend should I still go so out of my way and make sacrificies to do for her now that her fiance is more important.
    It was time to move easy child back to her college town for her to continue her education to be become a veternarian. She was suppose to finish her pre vet stuff this year but last semester she and her boyfriend broke up was the same one that my mom died and the professor would not let her take her test so she failed two classes that she has to make up. The original deal was that they could not get married until she finish prevet but things got messed up anyway
    difficult child called to make sure that he was still going because he tries so hard to repair the relationship with easy child and being there to help since he knows husband can't do much so difficult child is trying really hard to repair two relationships with this gester of help that he has now made several times in a row. packing her to go and come home . As you may remember last year I was happy because easy child actually thanked all of us via text message including difficult child : ) This year she and her fiance were total jerks --difficult child took time off work -working 3 part time jobs : ) to make this trip---yes he smokes. He was not around when we were loading things to make the trip -our oldest son was( good thing--her fiance is much older but worthless when it comes to things like this)
    We got to our friends house where we stay -they live in her college town--had a nice visit with ALL of us and them --no drama.
    the next morning they got up to go start moving things from storage to the moving trailer--when difficult child went out he lit a cigarette and easy child lost it --yelling at him that she doens't want her clothes smelling that that "****" --so he said ok and put it out then her fiance told him to just nevermind and go back in the house that he could do it. (There were only a couple of boxes in this storage) so difficult child did -he was hurt and upset but just came in to complain to me about it.
    we left there and went to her apartment( which is a whole other story of why she is not in the dorm) and the very first thing she tells us is that we can't dirty the carpets so we will have to take everything up to the door and then once everything is there we will all take off our shoes to finish carrying everything upstairs to the apartment --yes upstairs. husband and I just looked at eachother and went OOOOOKKKKKK. so we were taking things up and then I decided to stay in the apartment and start unloading because in the past I have always cleaned the whole area before I start unloading and putting her room together. difficult child at one point started to bring things in from downstairs and was respectful her rule to remove his shoes. He dragged up the box spring and she started freaking out -yelling at him not to knock anything over or put holes in the walls --next he brought up the mattress--same attitude from easy child--so he brought up the bed frame and she lost it yelling at him that if he puts a whole in the wall he will have to pay--ok so yes she is paying the rent with her school money but I am the one that signed the lease that if she doesn't pay or there is damage to the property I am the one held responsible--(oh by the way I was TOLD to sign the lease NOT ASKED) but I did without any comments or complaints. It got him very excited when SHE started yelling at him and yes he did bump the wall -no damage and she ran off yelling at him. He sat there for a minute starting to put the bed together and then looked at me and said "you know what they can do it themselves" and got up and left. I was putting the bathroom together since that is where she TOLD me to get started, when she came and yelling AT me-"oh so he got mad at left" so I told her to shut up. She was still yelling at me saying I should never have brought him to help-I told her that he was the one that volunteered so she said that she didn't want his help. I told her that with her hateful attitude that one day she was going to need help and that there was not going to be anybody there to help her and she would pay to her attitude. She screamed at me that she already paid when she was a kid that difficult child was mean to her and tried to kill her. I told her that was an exageration and she yelled at me saying that I NEEDED to be respectful to her and I yelled back telling her that I am the parent and she is the one that needs to be respectful to me. She turned around and told me that IF I didn't like it that I could JUST LEAVE.-----SO I grabbed my purse and said ok I will and then I turned and looked and her with tears in my eyes and told her that SOMEDAY she will regret that she kicked me out of her home. (My little sister did that to my mom about 12 years ago and my mom never went back and at my moms funeral she was crying saying that she never meant it that way--but it's too late now isn't it) As I was walking down the stairs she holdered at me so now your going to act like a child and I said NO I am doing what you asked and am leaving. I cried and cried but husband and difficult child have no heart either as we were driving away I was getting yelled at by them for me not to take it out on them --but i want on thinking and reliving it outloud to make it REAL to myself which started a whole other drama.
    easy child and fiance showed back up over at our friends house and hung out the rest of the weekend-which means to me that her fiance left it up to her alone to put her apartment together --desks -shelves and everything else and she had to make other arrangements to pick up the things in her other storage but all of that could have been fixed IF she had apoligized to me and difficult child.
    When we left the following day she barely hugged me ,shrugged her shoulders at difficult child BUT husband got a big hug and I LOVE YOU DADDY. ugh he can't lift anything--never even saw the inside of the apartment ------------------------oh and then there is all the drama with husband's mom since our oldest daughter has now left her live in baby daddy and they try to make me feel guilty that she never got her braces off that I paid for --well if you never show up to appointment's and when you to it is an hour late the doctor can't do his job.
    so to sum it up --easy child broke my heart and hurt difficult child---her fiance is worthless---oldest daughter now trying to cause more family drama on husband side--difficult child hurt by easy child but mad at me for trying to FIX it for him because HE is a man(don't you know) and husband is being as a** to ME for ruining the weekend,-----WHAT?????
    oh a HUGE HUGE side note we finally got to spend quality time with our precious grandaughter who we are still not sure is being taken care of properly but at least our oldest is out of a bad situation and can start some kind of life for the two of them. I told her shopping and spent so much money --husband and I won't have food this month but our baby looks great. :)
    What do you think? My heart is broken --
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I hardly know what to say. She sounds like she was in a terrible mood overall and was so hurtful to the ones she can take for granted. It seems very immature. Poor difficult child. Sounds like he would likely have willingly put the cig. out or moved if asked. When people are generous enough to help with such an enormous job it is not the time to be demanding ...you all were not paid movers! The saddest to me is how husband is not supporting and protecting your heart. That is his role and you did not deserve what was done and said to you. I think you guys stuck in there longer than most would under the circumstances. Next year? She is on her own, right?

    Anyway, just really sorry you went thru that. I hope she calls to talk it out with you.
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel so miserable. In my experience, moving is always frought with tension. It's exhausting, draining, and expectations are never met. The way I see it, she should've been thankful for her family's help. I'm sure if her friends had offered to help with her move she wouldn't have treated them so poorly. on the other hand, she is probably stressed out with school expectations and is overwhelmed with pending school responsibilities. It backfires on you and anyone with good intentions.
    My advice: Back away from her life for a while. She may be feeling smothered by so much attention - let it go. I know it hurts. Sometimes we do too much and we're overinvolved, even though we mean well.
    As far as your broken heart is concerned, don't get too upset (easier said than done) - learn your lesson from this experience. Just withdraw a bit and let her have some space. She will either make it or she won't, but being overinvolved in your adult children's lives only backfires and becomes "our fault" somehow. In any case, I'm sorry you were hurt. Please don't dwell on it - it will only make you feel worse.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well....I think a lot of feelings about easy child and her childhood with difficult child came into play here, maybe things she didn't express before. And it sounds like she is used to your doing whatever she tells you to do maybe or maybe not because you usually oblige her. I'm sorry all this happened, but in no way would I destroy my relationship with my child over this. You're angry now, but I'll bet, after a cooling off period, you and easy child will feel better about one another and you will probably regret allowing this one day to come between the two of you.

    As a non-smoker, I am probably just as sensitive to smoking as easy child and don't want to be anywhere near it. Would I tell somebody rudely to get away because he smoked? Well, I'm going to be 59 so I probably wouldn't, but I'd want to. Whether or not difficult child was trying to help, easy child has years of bad memories of him and you can't change that. She has to grow up and decide how she feels about him herself. One good intention doesn't wipe away a childhood of bad memories.

    I am right there with CJ. I do not overly involve myself in my grown children's lives. I neither over-help them or get overly involved in their decisions, assuming they can and will learn the same way I did...by trial and error. If I see them making a huge mistake, I may bring it up in a passive way such as, "Is this what you really want? Did you think it over?" But that's it. in my opinion, maybe you still do too much for your grown kids??? I don't know. I always think it's a bad idea to give money to grown children, especially a lot of money. They just remain more dependent on us and don't grow up...they start to expect us to fund them when they need $$$. After 21, in my opinion, they should be paying their own bills.

    I'm sorry you are hurting. I agree that it's best to not dwell on it. Maybe do something REALLY NICE for yourself today. Baby yourself. Spoil yourself. You raised your kids and you deserve to enjoy your own life now :)
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    My opinion is that easy child had plans that you weren't aware of and you were in the way of them. It was good of you to move her stuff for her, but I probably would have asked if she wanted me to set it up and put it out. I'd consider that she might have had PMS at the time - I was psycho when I had it - and I think your husband was right to leave it to her. Absence will make the heart grow fonder. I think I would give her a pass this time, and not say anything until she needs to leave that school. Then I'd make her ask me for help to move, and I'd ask her exactly what she means by that without saying "because last time we helped you move you were AWFUL!"