easy child/difficult child called the police

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Mar 23, 2014.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    on difficult child tonight. With everything that has gone on when difficult child was little this is the first time the police were called. I can't remember being as sad as I am right now. It's a long story.

    difficult child has been in a major difficult child way today as far as attention seeking, whining, tantruming. He was bored and wanted us to take him to the mall or Target, or anywhere really so he could get something. We weren't going to do that. I offered to play Wii Bowling or some card or dice games but unless I was going to play Monopoly with him (which I really didn't want to) nothing would satisfy him. He was the same way with husband.

    easy child/difficult child came down and soon started getting into it with him. husband told them both to stop especially easy child/difficult child because she wouldn't let things rest. husband was going to take easy child/difficult child out with him to get her out for a bit and went to the bathroom. While he was in there she asked him to move his gym bag and he said know. She picked it up and moved it (set it down rudely) and so he picked up her computer. She went for the computer and he ended up throwing it at her and punching her in the face.

    He felt like she was charging him and he felt he acted in self defense. I think it took him back to when she was 14 and would pick on him sometimes physically. She says she should know she wouldn't charge him because he is so much bigger than him so why would she be charging him.

    The police came and he had taken off (he was really scared). They looked for him for about 20 minutes and then found him hiding. In the meantime another police officer was talking with us and then talked to easy child/difficult child.

    Not that it excused him but it even looked to me like she was charging at him. Neither one gets the point when to leave things alone even when we are telling them.

    They didn't take him in and told him he wasn't in any trouble.

    Anyways, easy child/difficult child was telling me how he is the root of all her depression. She hates him. She doesn't see how we can love him when he is the way he is. She says she can't because she sees what he does to us and how he monopolizes our time and how much stress it puts on us. This was much more true when she was younger but we have tried always to give her alone time but in truth the way he is he monopolizes the attention of anyone he is around. She says it is why she wants to move to California someday to be far away from him.

    My heart feels broken for both kids although difficult child truly doesn't get it. In fact, he is already driving me crazy. Of course, I don't think easy child/difficult child gets it either. She is still steaming mad and won't listen to anyone about anything.

    Right now I just want to run away. I don't even know what to do. Both kids had been doing so well (in difficult child terms) and now this. I don't know how to solve this. easy child/difficult child can't move out because truly she can't afford it and neither can we.

    Thanks for listening. I'm trying so hard right now to not start crying again but I don't think it is going to work.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like they both need a time out. LOL

    It also sounds like difficult child needs to be told in no uncertain terms that hitting is not an option. I'm sure you have done that before but he is now a grown man (physically) and hitting is not an acceptable reaction even if someone looks like they are trying to tackle you.

    On the other hand it sounds like easy child/difficult child needs to be told to let it go when you tell her to or she needs to find another place to live. You might make a point by telling her how much worse the stress is on the family when you can't trust the two of them to behave like adults. If she is so concerned with the amount of stress difficult child places on you maybe she should take a look in the mirror and realize how much stress her anger at difficult child causes you.

    I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to be angry just that at 20 years old she needs to grow up a little and not add to that stress with petty crap like this.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-dstc. I am so sorry! Go ahead and cry. Tears release cortisol. Really.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dstc-Thank you for your reply. We have told her how she adds to the stress by not letting things go. She sees the stress he puts us under and yet puts us under a ton of stress herself.

    Terry-Thank you. The tears have stopped for now but I am still feeling very depressed about the entire situation.
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Is there a trusted family member that easy child/difficult child can stay with for awhile? I don't want to think of it as a punishment because she's 20 years old, but a consequence of being unable to live with her younger (minor) brother at home is that she is the one that leaves, Know what I mean?? I'm not saying this to blame her for everything but I am concerned that she justifies her actions/reactions toward difficult child because of the disabilities of which he has very little control. I think she uses the stress he has undoubtedly caused her to behave poorly. My biggest concern is that difficult child will get into a scuffle with the police and be arrested or hurt if she calls 911 on him again.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That sounds so stressful for you Wiped Out, I am so sorry. I have no great advice, just that I hope you're taking care of YOU now. Geez, our kids can cause so much stress for us, can't they? Go out to dinner with husband or have a massage, have your nails done, do things that are nurturing for you. (Do them a lot too!) Sending you gentle hugs......
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TM-I love your idea! Unfortunately, we don't have anyone that lives here by us (she would have to move to Michigan or Minnesota-my parents couldn't do it and even they live 2 hours away). It would mean forcing her to drop out of school and lose her job. Plus, with her depression I am not sure how she would handle that.

    RE-Thank you, husband and I actually have free massages coming!
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Go get that massage. :)
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you need to sit easy child/difficult child down and have a strong chat wtih her. she needs to know that SHE bears responsibility in this, not just difficult child. She is an adult now, and as her actions looked like charging, and as she would physically harm difficult child in the past, HER actions are out of line. As an adult, if she wants to continue to live in your home, with the luxuries you have that she cannot provide for herself, she needs to leave difficult child alone when told to. she needs to work on NEVER looking like she is charging him because that alone could be considered a threat and SHE could have 911 called on her and she could be arrested for threatening him. She is an adult and needs to act like one. If she is annoyed, she can leave the room. If she is picking at him, she needs to stop. If she triggers something like this, she needs to be told she will have to move out. And you and husband need to enforce that.

    She may not be able to move to a nice place. That is HER issue. As an adult, if she wants to continue to live at home, she has to be a responsible adult. It is sad. I know you want her with you. But as the minor, difficult child is the one you need to protect. If he hurts her because he thinks she is going to attack him, it may or may not result in him having a criminal record that could destroy the rest of his life. If you are not home and things go too far and easy child/difficult child calls the cops, he could be charged as an ADULT. If she is seriously hurt or he grabs a knife or other weapon, he could face years or even life in prison. This will destroy any chance he ever had at a successful life outside the prison system.

    I knoq easy child/difficult child is smaller and that it has been very hard to grow up iwth a difficult child brother. Believe me, I truly understand. But she is an adult and has different rules than he does. In his mind, she is still the person who used to physically hurt him, the one who charged him. sure, he is now bigger, but that isn't an adjustment him mind and emotions have made. As the minor, esp the minor old enough to be charged as an adult if a crime occurs, HE is the one you need to protect first.

    It is real easy to trigger a difficult child. Heck, having not seen my gfgbro in a couple of years, I could probably trigger rage in him in under a half hour. easy child/difficult child MUST learn to not keep picking. If she has a therapist, ask the therapist to help her understand why it is not okay for her to keep on pushing and picking at difficult child, and how she bears responsibility as an adult in any situation iwth him now.

    Of course difficult child should never have punched her. But in his mind, he was the little boy she used to hurt. She charged at him (even if it was not her intention, it LOOKED that way), and it threw him back into PTSD over times she did that in the past. She is NOT blameless, and needs to accept that.

    I am so sorry that they are so divided. I hope that time and therapy will help them both, as will maturity. I hope you do not end up where my folks are, with one adult child refusing to have anything to do with the other. I hate being the adult child who refuses, but when his presence sends my kids into nightmares and panic attacks (which my parents flat out refuse to accept as reality), I don't have much choice. I know it hurts horribly, and I hope that time, maturity and therapy will help your family through this. But right now, easy child/difficult child is the adult and must be made to face the fact that she must behave like one.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry-I need to make that appointment! I am waiting for spring break!

    Susie-It is so sad that they are so divided. I hope that it won't last but I am not so sure. They have moments where they laugh together and of kindness towards one another. difficult child really loves easy child/difficult child (even when he says he doesn't); he craves her approval. I do agree with you that it was PTSD for difficult child. He just reacted. I think easy child/difficult child also suffers to it to some extent (from what she had to deal with because of difficult child). I really wish that things were different for them both growing up.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it makes you feel any better, I have seen soooooooooo many professionals, especially psychiatrists, for treatment of depression and have been told over and over again that it is usually a biological illness. It may start out because of a sad event (say the illness of a loved one), but if it persists for years it becomes clinical. I do not know if this is correct, but I have been told this repeatedly by different psychiatrists. I am not convinced your husband had anything to do with her depression.

    Depression is very treatable. I hope she is trialing medication (the right one can take a while to find) and going to good therapy, like cognitive behavioral or dialectal behavioral (my personal favorites). Both teach you coping skills which are invaluable. Regular talk therapy has it's uses, and CAN teach coping skills, but those two other types are geared to teach you how to deal with life.

    I am sorry for your hurting mommy heart.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks MWM, I do think easy child/difficult child's depression is more clinical at this point. She is on medications and see a therapist. She just can't seem to beat it. It's difficult child she blames not husband but even so I don't think he is the only cause because some people could live with the same situation and not be affected by depression.

    Long term depression is so hard for people. My mom has suffered from it her entire life.