Excuse Me I need to Vent before I explode.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Oct 1, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Seriously. What is the point of having a life partner, a husband, who has basically done everything within his power to participate as little as humanly possible in both the relationship and the life you "share" together?

    Ok so husband is a difficult child. I've known that for many years. He's at best got autistic traits, and has even been given a diagnosis of aspergers. He's antisocial. He's a grouch to make Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street look like the sweetest thing since jelly. He'll yell and swear and carry on about anything......and I seriously do mean anything.

    Yes, he'd be 100 percent better if he had his trazadone back. But honestly at this point I don't give a d*mn. Even on it he was still antisocial and just less of a grouch.......it didn't cure the omg I actually have to work for a living or the pure unadulterated laziness that consumes most of his life. Not to mention the hypochondriac crud that I listen to on a consistent basis.

    During this past year I was out of school husband was supposed to hold down the house and that meant cleaning. He maybe did the dishes 2 or 3 times because I yelled at him......and then I had to rewash them because I'd rather not die from food poisoning. He did nothing else except sit on the sofa, play a computer game and pretend to look for work so he could collect his unemployment.

    As you can guess the house went to holy hades. I'm talking pure filth.

    So since I've been out of school I've been attempting to clean it again. Easy? Not with husband messing it up faster than I can clean it with his 'Oh I'm helping cuz I'm scooting things all over the house" routine.:mad: IF I can get him to get up off his fanny long enough to do something 5 min later he's sitting for a break, or his back is killing him, or he's sick........or endless other things.

    He PAID Nichole to come in and help him clean for my Mom's visit for graduation. Poor girl did her best........and did a pretty good job considering husband did nothing to help her and the job itself was overwhelming. But she did get the worst of it.

    A week later it didn't look like she touched it. And she was kind enough to come in and help me clean it up some again during mother in law's funeral.........and of course it got clogged up again with mother in law's junk that got moved here from the nursing home.

    Nichole and I worked our fanny's off cleaning up the family room (omg you would not believe the trash out there I was livid!!!) so she could bring over yard sale stuff, we could go thru mother in law's stuff, and she could make space to put her things until sister in law can move it to dayton next week. husband was supposed to help us clean up his literal junk he has as a disaster area on his side of the family room. Yeah, he worked for 10 mins and we never saw him again.:mad:

    I made a not so nice post this morning on fb. I'm fed up. I don't normally do that. But gee maybe if it's out there for the whole world to see he'll sit up and take notice. I doubt it.

    My mouth has been hurting all week. He's not lifted a finger to help me. I do the stuff I always do including making my own meals. Just like always. He didn't even take me to the dentist. Nichole did. And she'll be taking me next week.

    I'll vent more later. He has finally crawled out of bed....it's 10am he went to be at like 10pm.......and I'm trying once again to get the d*mn kitchen done.

    I look at him and I want to strangle him. That is not a good place to be in. My kids have all noticed that since I've been out of school I've been in a constant state of livid. It doesn't look like that's going to change anytime soon.:mad::mad:
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmmm so mad I posted in the wrong forum. Go figure. Sorry guys. Mods could you move the post plz? Although husband is technically an adult difficult child lol ugghhhh

    OH........I'm cleaning the kitchen right? Guess what husband is doing? Sitting on the sofa, tv on, computer game on and all is right in his f-ing little world.

    And to get to that computer game...........he has to go thru fb. So unless he's blind he's seen the post I made.

    Yep Livid.
     
  3. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    What are you going to do, Hound? Maybe make a list of his jobs and post it on the fridge? Stars, for the jobs he completes on time? Is it that he is clueless as to what is involved in running a house? Everyone always thinks it's so easy, but done well, it really IS a full time job ~ especially when you consider child care, laundry, menu planning and meal preparation. Maybe he doesn't know where or how to begin?

    That list on the fridge might not be such a bad idea. A schedule for him to follow? You know, up at 6am, throw in a load of laundry while coffee is perking, shower and dress, wake family, make breakfast, check homework and so on, throughout the day right through bedtime.

    There must be some reason why he is not doing his share. Maybe he is overwhelmed, and doesn't know how to schedule for what is actually a pretty demanding job ~ being the mom at home.

    Barbara
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Barbara

    I'd try it if it would work but frankly it won't. husband just plain doesn't give a d*mn about anything unless or until it personally affects HIM. The world is supposed to be centered around him and his needs, wants, desires, ect.

    It only took him 2 hrs but he finally noticed the post. And then had the nerve to think holding a trash bag for me was enough for him to go sit on his tuckus again to play his game. I blew. I don't blow often and I didn't even attempt to be nice.

    Odd even with as OMG bad as the kitchen was.....it only took 2 of us less than an hour for a job that alone would've taken me most of the day. No it's not completely done. The frig needs cleaned out and the cabinets and floor needs cleaned. But the trash and filth is gone.

    So while I'm in difficult child attitude mode.........cause at this point I don't give a jack d*mn if the man stays or goes.........I told him I wanted the supports put on the kitchen hutch and I wanted it NOW. He said give him a min and I said NOW! I've been waiting 3 months I'm not waiting a moment longer! Then he had nerve to mumble something about how he tried to clean and well he did clean the bathroom.......... Uh, no sorry. Not even once bud. I said you call a clean bathroom one that has grim and meldew around the toilet for god knows how long CLEAN?? (I won't gross you out with the rest of the bathroom. I keep the litterbox and shower clean) I told him he'll be lucky I can get it all removed and we don't have to tear out tile simply cuz he was too lazy to clean it when he was supposed to!

    Then I threw it up to him that when we moved in I was supposed to get a utility cabinet to put my towels and sheets in. Instead they've been sitting on cheap plastic shelving for all these years. Told him I'm SICK of waiting and go get it NOW!! And while I was having my major difficult child tantrum..........told him that my bathroom decor ducks from walmart not too expensive but darn cute.......well he and the kids had fun destroying it all so guess what? He's going to go onto ebay and replace it all!!!

    Today Momma ain't happy Momma is livid and getting more so as I make my way thru each room to clean. Too much of my stuff I waited a lifetime for has been ruined, broken, treated like it meant nothing. I HAVE HAD IT!!!!

    husband is only helping me because I am livid. IF I ever manage to calm down........which is iffy at this point.........he will go right back to the same behavior he has had for 27 yrs.

    I didn't ask husband to run the household while I was at school. All I asked him to do was keep it cleaned up so I could whip thru and do the big cleaning on days I didn't have school. There were no kids at home. Just him. How frigging hard can it possibly be?? He didn't have to cook. Just keep the d*mn place picked up! OMG He didn't mow the grass ONCE this whole year. Nichole did. Nichole and I did the jungle of weeds in the backyard cuz he wouldn't get off his backside!

    No. It's not a matter of not knowing where to start or even what to do. husband knows. His only desire is to sit a vegetate on the f-ing couch all day stuffing his face full of food and b*tching and everything and telling Travis to do all the stuff he is supposed to do.

    My mouth is killing me. (thanks to the cleaning I guess) My kidney is killing me. (guessing the medications are taking a toll and giving me issues there) Even the 1st day I came home from the dentist.......he didn't lift a single finger to help me with anything. No consideration for anyone at anytime.

    He tells me he can't do yard work cuz it hurts his back and he'll have a stroke or heart attack. Are you kidding me?? I've already had a heart attack, I have kidney disease.........and I work my fanny off anyway!

    Nope lists won't do it. Only thing that gets him moving is the hint that if he doesn't he's out the door in the next few mins.

    I am 46 yrs old. I can't maintain that constant state of livid it would take to make him act......and "act" it would be......like a human being.

    And as he ages...........he just continues to get worse and worse. He once said I'd went to nursing school so I could take care of him when he's too old or sick. I said hades NO! I'll have your fanny in a nursing home so fast you're head will spin!! And yeah I meant it too.:mad:

    And worst of it..........he is ruining all the antique furniture his mother entrusted to me. It makes me want to kill the man.

    I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo on a new level of enraged and fed up. argh!!!!
     
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Moved as requested:) I'm so sorry, I can imagine how incredibly infuriating this must be. I wish I had some advice. All I can think when I read these types of thread is, "this is why I'm glad I never got married again" and "this is why I don't think I could ever live with anyone again" lol :)
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thanks crazy for moving the post. I may have to add to it as I move from room to room. LOL (that is sarcastic laughter there)

    I think I'll stay a difficult child for quite a while.............at least until the house is back to normal clean. I got that utility cabinet I've been waiting for.....he put the supports on the kitchen hutch. And he'd better be hunting for the duck decor on ebay.

    LOL I know about the duck decor being there because Nichole was going to surprise me with it for xmas....she she also played a hand in it's demise. But the bid for the set she was hoping to get went too high at the last min. I told her to keep watching it. Bid on it for me and I'll give her the extra money if needed, or rather husband will.

    I am so bleeping mad at all my stuff being treated like garbage that I just want to go to husband and beat him within an inch of his life. All our married life I did without anything nice, anything new. I didn't complain, I just made do. Then I get hit by a truck and I get the house of my dreams........and now it looks like a dive. So you can imagine how that makes me feel. No respect for what I went thru to get this house or the few nice things I bought to make it nicer. None.

    I am counting the days until I pass the state boards and get my first nursing job.

    Which by the way has also been messed up wonderfully. I can't pay for the background check the application fees and the test itself. Why? Because I used the money to do that to pay the bleeping house payment and buy food so we could eat. Why would I do that? Because God forbid my lazy *ss husband make an honest effort to actually find a job........even a gas station job, a walmart job. Just a f-ing job!!!:mad:

    So now my kids.........god love them.........are trying to figure out how to scrape together the money to give it to me for xmas. If they do I think I'll pound them. Sweet and I love them for it, but for once in his pathetic life husband is going to step up to the plate and give me the money I need for this. Or soon as I have teeth in my mouth again I'm getting a job as an aide.........and saving the money myself and his fate will be signed sealed and delivered no turning back.

    It's no wonder the kids only have minimal affection for the man and absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. They can barely tolerate being around him. Grandkids.........they avoid him, he scares them and they don't think he likes them. Except for Brandon who for some strange reason believes if he smiles at grandpa long enough he'll eventually melt his icey cold heart. ugh
     
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs. I don't know what else to say.
     
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Lisa, I seriously let go of expecting my husband to do much with the housework ~ long before he died. However, he did handle taking the trash out when kt missed it, did the yard work & he kept a job so I cannot complain.

    At this point do you seriously expect your husband to change his attitude toward helping or supporting the family? I don't live there so I can't pass judgment AND I do feel your frustration & your anger at the lack of support over the years. It's wearing. It's stressful. With your health you don't need this level of stress. What is your next step?

    Sending many positive thoughts for the right resolution for you, whatever that may be.
     
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in hugs.
     
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I've got a shovel; I'll start digging the hole.
     
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending hugs and warm thoughts. I'm sorry that you're carrying the full burden...seems it's been that way for a long time.

    Lisa, I know you've probably covered this at some point before, but I am wondering why you've stuck with him for 27 years. Was he always like this? Is there some reason that you've stayed with him for?
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know you are livid, and that you have more than every right to be feeling that way. At some point when you can be coldly logical, ask yourself if you are in a marriage or a babysitting relationship. Then ask if you can realistically expect things to change. When you get a job and can pay the bills yourself, ask yourself if you want to stay in that situation for the rest of your life. If not, make a plan of action to change things.

    You have had a whole lot of years of frustration and unhappiness with this man. If he will not work, can he get disability? Would you be willing to stay with him, do ALL the work that you have always done, if he brought in that little bit of income (and felt he had the right to say how that income was spent, because of course he will feel and act that way)?

    You are on the edge of having some financial freedom - the freedom to earn your own living. Now you have to decide how you want to live. Remember that you have health issues that will likely limit the number of years you can work, esp at the more strenuous nursing jobs. Also remember that a lot of the time, emotional problems take a HUGE toll on health issues.

    How do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life? What realistic steps do you need to take to be able to do that? You have already taken the steps to get the education so that you can get the job you always wanted. What is next?

    IF you choose to kick him out, make SURE you get the biggest shark of a divorce attorney possible. Then do what he/she says. If you decide to stay in the relationship, what will you have to do/accept to keep it? Will it be worth doing/accepting that?

    Only you can answer these questions. NO judgements of you will be made, regardless of your choices!! Just make sure that you make conscious choices.
     
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I fell in love with husband because of his kindness toward me, he was a gentleman who knew how to open doors and all the rest for a woman. Honestly, we became friends quickly, very quickly. Once upon a time we could talk about all sorts of things and talk for hours.

    Sadly these other traits were there all along, I was just too head over heels and too blindly in love to see them for years. When I love someone it's unconditional, all or nothing. No middle ground. I'll give you 100 percent and you'll also have 100 percent of my loyalty, which itself is almost impossible to break.

    My mother pointed out these odd traits from the beginning. But being young and in love.......not to mention her horrid track record with men.......I refused to believe her. Didn't help that Mom hates the spouses or significant others of ALL her children. She'll pick even the best of them to death.:tongue:

    Now having been raised by my grandmother, I grew up with a very old fashioned mindset. I was determined to be a stay at home Mom and raise my own kids while husband worked. Other reason for this is that 99 percent of the time my own mother was single....pawning her kids off to other people......while we did without even most of the basics and she always seemed to have money for herself to go have a grand time. My mother never attended a single school function no matter how important it was. It was a miracle she made it to the graduations of the 3 kids who actually graduated.

    So having that old fashioned mindset.........I also ran my household in the old fashioned way, under my grandmother's and aunts examples. (the only ones I really had to work with) And in all honesty..........I spoiled the living hades out of husband. My home was utterly spotless. Seriously you could eat off the floors. Meals were catered to HIM and what HE liked and he got to eat the lion's share because he was the bread winner and had to stay healthy in order to work and bring in the paycheck. I waited on him hand and foot, literally. At first because I loved him, I appreciated him, and I was happy. Eventually it became purely out of habit. A learned behavior. When he was around the kids grated on his nerves. I did what it took to keep them out from under his feet and to pacify him to a limit. (the kids did not suffer do to his demands, I refused to go that far) I mean the man worked all day, he was entitled to relax when he came home. He chose what was watched on tv. He chose when and where we went or even if we went. (this part didn't last long it got old fast) Because he made money vanish........and for the first many years convinced me it was ME and not HIM.........the kids did without, I did without many basic needs including medical care if we were sick because of course there was never any money to cover it even with insurance. But if husband was sick even with a sniffle I'd have had to tie him down to keep him out of a doctor office, money magically appeared for HIS medications, and of course there was always money for things he wanted including clothing. (the man has until very recently had clothes to rival any woman....40 prs of underwear and sock alone omg!) I could never have a car because of course we couldn't afford it. I could go on and on.

    By the time the love blinders came off I was almost 10 yrs into the marriage. I had a son that no one would babysit. No one. I tried it once, my good friend at the time, she whipped him with a coat hanger after spending 2 hrs with him. That ended that. I wouldn't subject any of my children to abuse just so I could get out of a bad marriage. And although the blinders were off........God help me I still loved him. Yep. I can love to a fault. I knew the man had been cheating on me all during the marriage. I had undeniable proof. But I refused to believe it. Who cheats on a woman who treats him like a f-ing king?

    When I suspected he'd had an affair with my best friend at the time.....oh about 12 yrs into the marriage.......the love began to falter and die. You see, while all of this behavior was present......husband was still pretty good at covering alot of it up.

    One of the biggies was when he lost a grand job. He actually had his Mom pay our rent/utilities for a whole year while he drew unemployment (lied to her and I and said he didn't) and on top of that borrowed 3000.00 or more from her to go back to college. HA! Within 2 wks I knew he was lying. We moved from dayton down to here during that time.

    My neighbor kept catching husband in town when he was supposed to be at work. She was a very good friend, but kept her mouth shut cuz she didn't know how I'd react. Then Travis spotted him from the school bus one morning when he was supposed to be at work. (he should've already been at work) So I asked neighbor........she told me all the times she saw him around town and then he'd come home like always and say something stupid like what a horrible day at work he had.:mad:

    That's when the big blow out happened. When I forced him to face mother in law about all the sh*t he'd pulled for all those years. The stealing money from the family. The not paying rent/bills cuz he knew she'd give him the money........the whole bit. And put my foot down if she ever loaned him another dime there would be a divorce and she could have his sorry *ss back! mother in law sided with me and 99 percent of that stopped.

    By that time the love had died enough that I could've cared less who he slept with. I wasn't jealous, couldn't drum up even an ounce of jealousy. Then bff caught his mistress parking in front of the house. Another big blow out. Told him the next time that b*tch parked in front of my house I'd drag him out by the ear and tell her she could HAVE him! Stopped that.

    He was unbelievable during the K and grandkids bit. I won't go there. Just trust me. But due to his behavior........I had to take a real hard look at whether this man actually has the capability to love his own offspring.

    Then I got run over by the truck. And my entire Life changed.

    You'll have to bare with me for this part.........I still have memory isues and much of this came from the kids.

    I have 2 shattered shoulders and a fractured skull. I'm careflighted to Miami Valley hospital because I had no blood pressure and wasn't expected to LIVE. Fortunately for me the medication staff was able to finally stabilize my b/p. husband followed the ambulance and told easy child to stay home. He would not allow Travis or Nichole to come. Seriously? Guess how long he stayed? Maybe 2 hrs. I know because easy child got sister in law's mom to watch Nichole and Travis and came anyway. And that 2 hrs..........well maybe 15 min if you count all the times he went outside for smoke breaks.

    I go to my room about midnight. husband had talked very preggers easy child (with Darrin) into going home long before that and he himself went home hours before that. People I kid you not......I couldn't think for myself. I couldn't move either arm for any reason. I came very close to dying. And my husband went home because he was TIRED!

    Then he called off work. Of course he told them what happened and that he needed to be with me. He forced the younger 2 to go to school the next day. They still hadn't seen me since the accident. He came to the hospital. Sure he did. Best estimation is that he stayed 20 mins tops. He then goes home and tells my kids THAT I DON'T WANT THEM TO VISIT ME CUZ I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE ME THAT WAY!

    Ok. I can't so much as lift a glass of water to my mouth, which means I also can't feed myself. If it weren't for the IV I'd have been in bad shape. I didn't even have the presence of mind to inform a nurse that I couldn't feed myself. husband didn't come back to see me until I was ready for discharge..........yet he lied to the kids and told them he was coming. But they knew he was lying because the trip there and back takes about 3 hrs and he would only be gone 2 hrs at most.

    husband was still off work when I got discharged. He took FMLA. Well maybe that would've been great except he played on the computer the whole time. Seriously. No joking. He kept trying to OD me on my medications (muscle relaxants and serious pain medications) to the point that I had to take over giving them to myself and writing down when I took them because my short term memory was basically non existent.

    Bad? Oh, it gets better. When I tell him after a few days of this non care he is going back to work..........He starts nagging and b*tching about where is his clean laundry, can't go to work in dirty clothes......what's for supper? he can't cook.....he doesn't know how to cook........... So with 2 shattered shoulders and a skull fracture I get up and start doing what I had done every day for more than 20 yrs. The same thing I did after every major kidney surgery and Nichole's C section. I cleaned my by that time filthy house, I did laundry, I cooked........in total agony, tears running down my face.

    Now you're thinking to yourself WTH did she do that for? Remember........I had severe brain damage. I was not in my right mind and I freely admit it. I did it on automatic. I did it because someone had to do it..

    But while I love to a fault and if you ever gain my loyalty it will take an earth shattering event to kill it............... Something inside of me snapped while I lay in that bed in the hospital unable to care for myself with no visitors, not even 1 phone call from my mother or my sibs. I will tell you I have never felt so unloved and unwanted in my entire life. I have never felt so utterly, totally and completely alone. And I realized.......................

    husband does not love me. He never has.

    I seriously doubt he is capable of loving anyone.

    I had spent 21 yrs with a man who didn't even care about me, let alone love me.

    Twenty-one yrs of memories only verified what it took getting run over by a truck to prove so totally. And I grieved. I grieved for the life we could have had together if he had only been capable of caring, even just a little bit. I grieved for the father the kids could've had if only he'd been capable of honestly loving and wanting them. I cried for all the heartache and misery I'd gone through for nothing.

    And every ounce of love I ever felt for the man died.

    Once I recovered from the accident physically..........nothing was ever the same again. I cooked what ever I d*mn well felt like cooking. husband could eat it or starve. If I didn't feel like doing his laundry, he'd better do it or go naked. I looked at him with utter and complete contempt or outright laughed at him when he expected me to wait on him hand and foot. If the kids got on his nerves I told him to shut up and svck it up and live with it, it's THEIR house too. I did as I d*mn well pleased and if husband didn't like it I'd tell him to kiss my *ss. I am the one who chose the house to buy. He never got a dime of the settlement money........except the small portion he managed to weedle out of me while my brain was still very addled. When we moved into this house Nichole wanted a puppy. husband had a tantrum (we already had Rowdy and Molly) so I went right out and got her Lil Bit from the pound. *ok so that turned out to be a mistake...........and we had to put her down.........but I also adopted and found good homes for like 4-6 other pups and dogs that summer just because it drove him insane*

    The topper for husband: we've not had a sex life since the day I was hit by the truck. I won't let him near me. No snuggling. He might, if he's lucky, get a dry peck on the lips depending on my mood. I was considerate enough to hug him when his mother died.

    About 4 yrs ago his long standing mistress dumped him evidently for good. Hahaha, sorry that just makes me laugh. He's not found a replacement unless it's someone standing on a corner. His problem not mine.

    Also 4 yrs ago because I knew that I no longer loved him........I went back to school. I had no clue given my sometimes serious issues with memory, dyslexia.....and a few other hangons from the head injury......not to mention my health in general with the terminal kidney disease......if it would get me anywhere. I'd made the decision that I'd lived with him that long, that I could stick it out until I had an education and the kids were grown and gone.

    After reading this you're probably thinking why the hades don't I just walk out the door and never come back? Believe it or not after you've invested 27 yrs in something......that's not the easiest thing in the world to do even when it makes perfect sense. So I decided I'd do the school, see if I could achieve one of my kick the bucket things from my list (nursing) and then once able to support myself make up my mind.

    I am not completely heartless. husband knows the score. He was told when I started school the reason why and what he needed to do in order to stay and co-exist together. Believe me, it wasn't that much......and non of it was on an emotional level as I had come to realize he isn't capable of that. And evidently he is not even capable of what little I did ask of him.

    Yes. My mind is made up. He made the choice himself, I didn't really have to decide. Even if once I get the dentures I have to go to work as an aide to get the money together for my state boards.......I will take them and I will pass them. I will go to work as a nurse and will work as long as I possibly can. I hope to at least do summer work out in South Dakota in some of the clinics on the Indian reservations.......I'm sure they could use the help and I'd love every minute. Although how I'll get there is a problem that would have to be solved. And I have friends who can help me solve it if I really want to do it. I want to go back to my people and my culture and would be in heaven to be able to totally immerse myself in it.......even if it's just for the summers. Something I had to stop several years ago because husband ...........well.........let's just say it got to be utterly embarrassing and leave it there.

    There will be a divorce. And yes it hovers to the max that I pretty much wasted almost 30 yrs of my life on a person who can not care for anyone except himself. And yes I have a cut throat lawyer who husband absolutely loathes. lol And I do plan to use him again. It can be like the 1st time we divorced and nice and civil. Or after almost 30 yrs of hades.......I can make it a living hades for him. His choice too.

    I will not give him my house. I'm sure a judge will understand why. I will not give him the antique furniture his mother left to me to care for.......even if I have to give it to the girls early to prevent him from getting it.

    He will be utterly alone in the world. His brother and his wife can't stand him, same for their grown kids. His own children can barely tolerate being around him for an hour or 2. Even his grandkids don't like him. And he did it all himself.

    I will never understand how someone can be so utterly and completely pathetic, so self absorbed that they destroy everything good in their life.

    And because he IS a difficult child? None of it will be his fault.

    And because I no longer have any feelings for him? I sooooooo totally don't give a d*mn.:tongue:
     
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. What a story. Some of it rings familiar to me; my marriage to my first husband ended not long after a hospitalization for me .. nothing so severe as yours but his treatment of me while hospitalized, was pretty horrible. Your strength is amazing...and it's clear you've thought through all this very carefully and have your plans in place, which is what is absolutely necessary when getting out of a relationship such as yours. It IS hard to leave, to start over after such a long time.. heck it was hard for me and we were only together 7-1/2 years. But you are going to be ok, in fact I think you will THRIVE.. and it's clear to me that you know that, too. It's YOUR turn. And it's about darn time :)
     
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Darling Lisa, If you can survive that accident and his NEGLECT and ABUSE of you during the time you were so broken and in agony, and then you can raise the wonderful daughter's you have raised, and raise difficult child Travis to where he is as an adult, ALL while having such a loathsome husband hanging like a millstone around your neck, I am pretty sure you can run the world and still have energy to party once you leave him!!!

    in my opinion don't give him the choice for nice and civil divorce. Go cut-throat because that is all he has ever done to you. He shorted you and your children so he could do/have what he wanted for decades. Now he is refusing to work even a fast food or gas station job because he is sure you won't leave him if he "needs" you. in my opinion he doesn't really know you, just wants you to care for him.

    You need to call that atty today and ask him who he would recommend you to IF something were to happen to him, just to keep that base covered.

    You truly are a survivor. I would like to see you have time to enjoy just being by yourself, with-o that fool man messing up everything. You deserve it.

    Hugs.
     
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You need to plan carefully, put the exit plan in place. The furniture and the house could be a sticking point, because on paper at least, he took leave to take care of you and this is how he could make it look. The furniture - it was HIS mother's. You might need to give it you her grandchildren, before you actually file. Ask your lawyer.

    He sounds like my eldest sister's ex. He also had the habit of making money disappear, even money sent to the kids by his parents, he would intercept the mail and take the money, leaving my sister to think that her in-laws didn't care about their grandchildren, because they never sent so much as a card, let alone money for a gift (they lived overseas). My ex-brother in law also had mistresses here and there, plus had secret bank accounts everywhere. Creep.

    So whatever you need to do to safeguard yourself and your children's inheritance, do it. It sounds like you've already paid him more than he has a right to (or he has taken it for himself).

    So do your homework, talk to your lawyer in detail and if you need to, remove assets from auditable reach.

    My brother knew he was headed for bankruptcy (his company got embezzled from under him, he had mortgaged his own home to help save it, to no avail). So before the auditors came, my brother brought us some artwork and valuables that he didn't want to lose, for sentimental reasons. We kept it for him until everything was sorted out. Technically it's not right, but I knew it wasn't his expensive pieces, it was the stuff his wife's parents had left, the stuff tat was important to them emotionally. They had a lot of other valuable stuff that they were not so emotionally attached to. In the end, they managed to trade out and not declare bankruptcy.

    Go for it. But whatever you choose to do, do it wholeheartedly and stick to your decision. No looking back.

    As for why would a man cheat, whose wife spoils him like that? It's simple - some men don't value what they get every day. Look at Hugh Grant, cheating on Liz Hurley with Divine Brown. What man in his right mind, with a girlfriend like Liz Hurley, would even LOOK at another woman?

    Some men just do.

    Marg
     
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow. Little by little you've worked your way to this point-where you are ready and capable and able to finally leave your H. Good for you... You've had a 'loose' plan for a while. Now it's time to bring out the big guns and be free. Just imagine every day free; free of cleaning up for him, free of his verbal and emotional abuse, but best if all: free of carrying around that heavy knot in your chest. Imagine waking up to your home stress and worry free. Clean and the way you like it. When you make meals that you enjoy they will taste better, family time will be more enjoyable and peaceful. You will actually be able to enjoy your down time and nurture yourself first, you will enjoy your children and their children more.

    Lisa, you're already taking care of you, now make it official. We are all behind you and cheering you on-we know you can do it, you've proven you can do it! You're almost there. Ps: if your kids want to help pay for you to take the boards, accept their gift with the love it is intended. I think it's wonderful that they want to help you with that!

    Many hugs.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2010
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