S
Signorina
Guest
My first time on this board but have been posting on PE...if anyone would like the backstory, please PM me or check my back posts....
H and I decided last night that the suspense and the dread of putting off "the talk" was starting to get to us. Plus difficult child has been pushing the envelope a bit - nothing noteworthy - but annoying nonetheless. He forgot to hit "send" on the text telling us he would not be home for dinner last night, and it kind of propelled us forward into sitting him down to see what his future plans are. After some soul searching, h and I decided to offer to pay his tuition - 5 semesters for a total of $25K, no real strings attached other than pass your classes, go full time, graduate on time. When the 25K is gone, it's gone. Our feeling was that we don't want him to be in a desperate situation money wise...
We started by explaining that we needed to be "in the know" with his comings and goings and we needed him home on time. No big deal. We proceeded to ask about school...
He claims not to have his grades...I don't quite believe him...they would've been posted last week and I can't imagine that he wouldn't check.
We told him we wanted to pay for school and he REFUSED. A TOTAL SHOCK. Doesn't want our money, wants to do it on his own, doesn't want to use his college fund, it's important to him to pay his own way and he "just wants to" and that's his only reason why.
We gently explained that his college fund was there for him, that going into debt for the sake of doing it on his own would prove nothing, that we did not really care to dictate how he lives in his apartment while he is paying his own rent, that we thought coming up with $18000 per year working part time while in school would be a needless struggle. Tried to explain that we honor and admire his want "to do it on his own for himself," and that he should earn the money and put it aside so he could have a good start to his adult life when he finishes school. That earning the $450 a month or so he needs for rent etc is struggle enough and a challenge he can proud of...
Honestly, we were grasping at straws (and trying to avoid gasping aloud)by this point...
Tried to gently explained that losing his dependency status means he loses his dental insurance (he has a history of dental issues and desperately needs his wisdom teeth out) and that it could impact his health insurance if the current health care laws are overturned.
Also told him we could NOT fill out the FAFSA because of complicated tax/family business issues (plus he would not qualify) and that we could not co sign any student loans.
H asked him how he paid last semester's tuition & rent etc. He took a private student loan ($2000 At 11%), cashed his own CD early (3000), used his leftover summer earnings ($1500?) and worked at a sub shop. We asked how he planned to pay this semester and he said he wants to cash his other CD (balance of his life's savings that has been in a CD for 6 years!) of which I am the custodian.
We tried to make his college fund look really appealing, tried over and over again to explain that going into debt would set him back and limit his dreams. That earning his way and SAVING the money he would have spent on tuition would give him a great start. He kept stoically replying that "he wants to do it on his own just because... (he wants to or he knows he CAN etc) We talked about needing financial flexibility to find a good internship and he said ALL internships pay a lot now and pay living expenses! (dubious). He also stated that with his major (chemistry), the starting salary is $80K so he won't have a problem paying his loans once he graduates. (again, dubious) He claims the student loans don't accrue interest until he graduates (doesn't seem right but I don't know) and he doesn't have to begin to pay them until he is out of school for 6 months. (seems legit)
So, I am stunned. On paper I suppose it looks like an upstanding young man trying to be in control. In the pit of my stomach though - I know it's not right. It just doesn't fly. We had an awesome relationship for so long. I swear to you we are not controlling, rigid mean parents from whom he needs to escape. It's like he is detaching from us. Something is rotten in Denmark - it's just fishy. He's taken off an entire month from work over break. Not the actions of a kid who is anxious to earn his way. I can't put my finger on it. He did swear that no one is helping him financially and no one cosigned the loan.
And if you've gotten this far...I now have the dilemma of "custodian of the CD". I checked, it's likely not 5000 - it was started with $3850 when he was 13, mostly with money we GIFTED him, plus his allowance money and baby, baptism, 1st communion etc. gifts from aunts, grandparents. I can't quite figure out why he is drawing such a distinction between the CD and his college fund which is also money we essentially gifted him. And the real dilemma is what mother in her right mind would give a drug user $4000 in cash??? (Even if he swears it's for tuition) So, the caveat will be that I will cash the CD and I will write the checks out to the school and his landlord. Or no deal. Which I am sure will go over like a lead balloon. ("but it's MY money..." I can hear him now)
Also on the minus side, it really hit home that he is not the son he once was. I've begun to lose site of the joyful, motivated, mature young man who was my son and I am not keen on the sullen skateboarder who seems to have replaced him. I love him but feel distant from him if that makes sense.Don't really like him nor do I enjoy his company. I never thought I would be there with my beloved sweet boy.
I ramble AGAIN...
H and I decided last night that the suspense and the dread of putting off "the talk" was starting to get to us. Plus difficult child has been pushing the envelope a bit - nothing noteworthy - but annoying nonetheless. He forgot to hit "send" on the text telling us he would not be home for dinner last night, and it kind of propelled us forward into sitting him down to see what his future plans are. After some soul searching, h and I decided to offer to pay his tuition - 5 semesters for a total of $25K, no real strings attached other than pass your classes, go full time, graduate on time. When the 25K is gone, it's gone. Our feeling was that we don't want him to be in a desperate situation money wise...
We started by explaining that we needed to be "in the know" with his comings and goings and we needed him home on time. No big deal. We proceeded to ask about school...
He claims not to have his grades...I don't quite believe him...they would've been posted last week and I can't imagine that he wouldn't check.
We told him we wanted to pay for school and he REFUSED. A TOTAL SHOCK. Doesn't want our money, wants to do it on his own, doesn't want to use his college fund, it's important to him to pay his own way and he "just wants to" and that's his only reason why.
We gently explained that his college fund was there for him, that going into debt for the sake of doing it on his own would prove nothing, that we did not really care to dictate how he lives in his apartment while he is paying his own rent, that we thought coming up with $18000 per year working part time while in school would be a needless struggle. Tried to explain that we honor and admire his want "to do it on his own for himself," and that he should earn the money and put it aside so he could have a good start to his adult life when he finishes school. That earning the $450 a month or so he needs for rent etc is struggle enough and a challenge he can proud of...
Honestly, we were grasping at straws (and trying to avoid gasping aloud)by this point...
Tried to gently explained that losing his dependency status means he loses his dental insurance (he has a history of dental issues and desperately needs his wisdom teeth out) and that it could impact his health insurance if the current health care laws are overturned.
Also told him we could NOT fill out the FAFSA because of complicated tax/family business issues (plus he would not qualify) and that we could not co sign any student loans.
H asked him how he paid last semester's tuition & rent etc. He took a private student loan ($2000 At 11%), cashed his own CD early (3000), used his leftover summer earnings ($1500?) and worked at a sub shop. We asked how he planned to pay this semester and he said he wants to cash his other CD (balance of his life's savings that has been in a CD for 6 years!) of which I am the custodian.
We tried to make his college fund look really appealing, tried over and over again to explain that going into debt would set him back and limit his dreams. That earning his way and SAVING the money he would have spent on tuition would give him a great start. He kept stoically replying that "he wants to do it on his own just because... (he wants to or he knows he CAN etc) We talked about needing financial flexibility to find a good internship and he said ALL internships pay a lot now and pay living expenses! (dubious). He also stated that with his major (chemistry), the starting salary is $80K so he won't have a problem paying his loans once he graduates. (again, dubious) He claims the student loans don't accrue interest until he graduates (doesn't seem right but I don't know) and he doesn't have to begin to pay them until he is out of school for 6 months. (seems legit)
So, I am stunned. On paper I suppose it looks like an upstanding young man trying to be in control. In the pit of my stomach though - I know it's not right. It just doesn't fly. We had an awesome relationship for so long. I swear to you we are not controlling, rigid mean parents from whom he needs to escape. It's like he is detaching from us. Something is rotten in Denmark - it's just fishy. He's taken off an entire month from work over break. Not the actions of a kid who is anxious to earn his way. I can't put my finger on it. He did swear that no one is helping him financially and no one cosigned the loan.
And if you've gotten this far...I now have the dilemma of "custodian of the CD". I checked, it's likely not 5000 - it was started with $3850 when he was 13, mostly with money we GIFTED him, plus his allowance money and baby, baptism, 1st communion etc. gifts from aunts, grandparents. I can't quite figure out why he is drawing such a distinction between the CD and his college fund which is also money we essentially gifted him. And the real dilemma is what mother in her right mind would give a drug user $4000 in cash??? (Even if he swears it's for tuition) So, the caveat will be that I will cash the CD and I will write the checks out to the school and his landlord. Or no deal. Which I am sure will go over like a lead balloon. ("but it's MY money..." I can hear him now)
Also on the minus side, it really hit home that he is not the son he once was. I've begun to lose site of the joyful, motivated, mature young man who was my son and I am not keen on the sullen skateboarder who seems to have replaced him. I love him but feel distant from him if that makes sense.Don't really like him nor do I enjoy his company. I never thought I would be there with my beloved sweet boy.
I ramble AGAIN...