flustered or relieved?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by devira, May 4, 2009.

  1. devira

    devira New Member

    Hi everyone,

    It has been a long time since I have posted. The last time, we were really in a bad place and nothing seemed to truly help. All of you were VERY supportive and helpful. I cannot say how much that helped me stay sane.

    my difficult child has made a serious turn for the worse about 6 weeks ago. We avoided being admitted but was able to finally have a true diagnosis. Having a good Dr. has made quite the difference. This is were relieved comes in. We now truly know what my difficult child is coping with and we know what path to take. (bi-polar)

    My frustration is my other child. When life got challenging for my difficult child, my 11 started to show some serious signs for her own needs - specifically school went from "A" and "B" to "D" and "F" quality on homework and tests... she is quick to snap and people and is walking around with a chip on her shoulder. She refuses to speak with ANYONE about our difficult child and the stressful house she has lived in this past 8 weeks. TO bring her to a social worker, psychologist or any other mental health professional was my idea, but she pretty much told me I would hae to force her to go and she will not speak to anyone... I know she needs help coping with the envirnment she has been living in, but she wont let us help her... any suggestions?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi again. Glad you found answers for your difficult child.

    Your easy child is 11 now?

    Is she biologically related to difficult child?

    Has anything changed in her life? Her friends? Anything at all?

    At age 11, I wouldn't give her a choice about getting at least an evaluation and if she didn't cooperate, she would seriously lose her privileges and most beloved posessions. She's getting to "that age" where if she doesn't get help, she could spin out of control.
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Even though all of my kids are difficult child's I deal with something similar to this, Angel being so high maintenance that the other kids developed a resentment against her and me both. In their eyes the whole world in our house revolves around "princess Angel" and I give her too much attention. In my eyes this is true I give her too much attention, I give all my kids too much attention! I have allowed my children to consume my entire existence. (haven't dated in 5+ years, haven't worked outside home since 2001).

    What I think might help is if you can find a sibling group or workshop for your easy child. We were lucky in the sense that the clinic where the psychiatrist is they have support group that meets and while the parents are in their group the kids all meet in another group. I've seen my girls both grow tremendously since we started the group they get to talk to other kids who have sibling issues and Angel gets to hear from other kids siblings how it feels to live with someone high maintenance. She has started to have more understanding about the need for the 12yo to have her own space and property rights.

    Sorry I have to cut this post short because I'm late picking up 12yo for her doctor appointment. (I meant to just read and not post) but this one hit so close to home I had to comment. It is a fine tuned juggling act trying to give every one a fair amount of attention. I look forward to what the others post hoping I can get more ammo for my situation LOL.
  4. devira

    devira New Member

    Yes my easy child is still eleven and no my two children are not biological siblings. They both had birthparents who used drugs during pregnancy. But up until recently, she has had no visible challenges because of this; and now i thin kwhat I see is a reaction to her brother and the home environment.
  5. devira

    devira New Member

    where do I start ... I would love us to go to some sort of support group, but I cannot find one. I searched online, but all I could find was educational/understanding the physiological aspects which is very interesting, but not what we need at this time...
  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    OK just got back and what I forgot to ask is what does school have to say? I'm sure some of the teachers have noticed a drop in school performance. She may not need special education at this point but the testing to see if need spec. ed can help you get some of the answers you are looking for. My district uses the Achenbach for psychological testing it consists of parent questionaire, kid questionaire and a couple of teachers completing questionaire. It can be explained to easy child as school trying to figure out reason for fluctuation in grades and determine if they can offer some assistance that will help her learn better.

    I'm going to tell a little of our history so you can see how the testing helped get proper treatment for my 12yo. I knew something was up with the 12yo from birth (she was enrolled in early intervention at 13 months old) and she has received Special Education services since 13 months old thru the public schools. When 4yo her 6yo sibling Angel was diagnosis with BiPolar (BP), ODD & adHd and at that point I started looking for answers outside school system. Angel's psychiatrist said it was all copy cat behavior which I disagreed with because the things supposedly being copied Angel had never done. Got her to a different psychologist and psychiatrist at different location and gave them very brief description of Angel's diagnosis's and mentioned I want them to set Angel's issues aside and only focus on their patient. They originally wanted to medicate her for adHd but when I pulled out the psychological evaluation that was done by school and they reviewed the graphs in that report they changed the adHd diagnosis to ADD and made primary diagnosis mood disorder not otherwise specified. The big thing that the graphs showed were that yes attention & impulsivity were in borderline range but affective disorders and depression were very high up in the clinical range. The school testing also identified some learning disabilities that I would have never caught on my own.

    Let's face it 11yo is a rough age for kids - puberty and hormones can really run a muck with emotions, I'm really afraid if you force the evaluation and therapy idea she might throw up the wall and declare you the enemy instead of someone she can go to with questions. I love my mom but she wasn't anyone I ever went to for advice or info; example I learned about sex from another kid in 1st grade and luckily pulled a library book and checked my facts. The important thing is to keep lines of communication open and be available for guidance. I hope you find some of the answers your looking for.
  7. devira

    devira New Member

    I spoke with school psychologist today. I am lucky and live is a school district with tremendous resources. She said she will speak with the teachers and call me tonight or tomorrow AM. The she is going to pull her (telling her that her teachers were concerned about her performance...) Since I told her I was going to call the school, I do not think this violates her confidence...

    Thanx for the input, I knew there are other people out there whose difficult child is affecting the other children. I know there aren't any quick band aids that will help her, I just do not want things to get any worse...
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I often don't know anymore if my easy child is a difficult child or easy child. Her grades have slipped, she puts forth little effort. A few years ago I told her she was going to see a therapist and she was furious. I didn't giver her the choice. She goes now and does talk.