Friend trouble

[tiredmommy]

Duckie is having a problem with a long-time friend. Some of it might be Duckie... but I also know some of it is the friend. This other girl, "A", seems to really like Duckie when there's no other friend around but cuts her loose real quick when in a group. We went over to her house today, there were 5 girls total. "A" got the girls playing a pretend game and gave Duckie a role, then proceeded to turn the others against Duckie's character and they were even taunting her with "I hate you". Of course, "A" said it was all pretend. "A"'s mom had all the other girls apologize to Duckie and explained that pretend or not, Duckie's feelings were really hurt and that's what mattered. Two of the girls went home a little while later, leaving three left. The other two paired up immediately, leaving Duckie out.

Duckie has advised me that "A" is really nothing more than a bully and she never wants to play with her again. She said she has friends that treat her better and they are the ones she will play with. While I'm glad that Duckie is willing to cut loose someone that treats her poorly, I feel bad that she is in a position that she feels she needs to do so.

 

[Wiped Out]

Aw, I hate the bullying that kids go through. It isn't right and it seems so common. The other day one of my students said told one girl she would make it so she didn't have any friends at all and everyone would hate her. Poor thing was in tears.

I'm so proud of Duckie for realizing she doesn't need to hang around with her but you are right, it is sad she is in this position. Hugs to Duckie tonight and you too.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, Sharon. I'm kind of worried because Duckie and "A" are in the same class and share a wide circle of friends. I don't want to see Duckie get cut out of the group if other girls are made to feel like they have to choose. That would be devastating for her.

 

[nvts]

I can't stand "clicky" girls! Good for Ducky for seeing the issue and deciding to take the high road!

Keep in mind that my 7.5 year old ha a best friend one day, the next day they "broke up" the day after that they were best friends again. Who knows?

Beth

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry that Duckie had to go through this, and will have to deal with it in the context of her circle of friends.

It really sounds like our Duckie has a wonderful outlook on this. That is something to be PROUD of! She clearly understands what happened adn that these are not real friends. I know a lot of adults who can't grasp that concept.

I have been one of those who missed the concept.

Maybe some support from the teacher that works on what bullying is, what the rules are, and manners are acceptable will help?

Anyway, major kudos to Duckie for seeing the situation clearly.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thank you nvts and Susie.

I don't know that this is the final break for this friendship but I do sense Duckie growing away from "A" over the last year; husband says Duckie is maturing while "A" is not because "A" still has tantrums. Their teacher is wonderful but this never happens at school, only in social situations. My big hope is that they go to different classes next year.

 

[ML]

I think Duckie's self esteem is very strong. I'm proud of her for realizing she doesn't need friends like that. Manster's friend R was like that. I see a lot of that clicky stuff because most of his friends are girls. R happened to come over the other night and the three of them were hanging out. I had a feeling that manster and S were making fun of his friend R who he doesn't like anymore because of her gfgness and I think they were up to no good when R came over the other day. I have learned that 3 is a dangerous number. The kids tend to triangulate. Manster and S were being real secretive the other night and I told them that if I caught them being mean to her that they would be in real trouble. I don't have a lot of rules but the golden one, "treat others how you want to be treated" is huge for me. I won't tolerate that carp.

Anyway, you have a great kid there!

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, ML! We have a lot of experience with bullying behavior because Duckie was very clique-y and mean to the other kids in pre-k and for a little while in kindergarten. She has learned that behavior is not acceptable.

I hope she is able to hold it together tomorrow... she's been told that she must be kind and respectful even if she doesn't wish to friends.

 

[Shari]

That's really impressive that Duckie sees her friend not treating her well, even if it doesn't "stick" this time. Kudos.

Its hard, and I think girls are worse than boys at this little "game". I hope the friends aren't made to choose.

 

[DammitJanet]

didnt duckie Have problems with this little girl a couple of years ago? Maybe it was another child.

anyway, I think you handled it well then and you will handle it well now.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks Shari & Janet. Girls do seem to play this game more than boys, they can be so cruel to each other! Janet, she has had problems on and off since kindergarten with this girl. I've been encouraging a lot of different friends and interests for a long time so that Duckie won't depend on "A" as a friend.

 

[busywend]

Oh, this is sooooo common among girls. Always, always make sure there are an even # of girls playing together. If not - 1 will always be left out. It may not always be Duckie, but there is still a child being hurt. So, I always made every effort to get even numbers around. There were times it worked just find with odd#s - but only if there was something really cool they were all doing together.

Duckie reacted appropriately and has come up with a plan to prevent that hurt again. Good for her!

I hope today goes well.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks Wendy... I didn't realize the odd number was in play until we got there. As a matter of fact I decided to stick around because I wanted to make sure everything would be okay. I decided to email the teacher so that she's aware (I didn't name names) and she can watch out for Duckie today.

 

[Christy]

Heartbreaking. It's not fair and seeing your difficult child left out is painful. My son is always left out by the neighbor boy who happens to be quite mean. He loves to push difficult child's buttons and then leave when he gets upset. I actually no longer allow them to play together but there are two little boys down the road that play very nicely with difficult child BUT will only seek difficult child out when neighbor brat is not around. When neighbor brat is around then they are snub difficult child. It's so hard for kids our kids to understand this kind of behavior. Sorry your difficult child is facing this.

((hugs))
Christy

 

[tiredmommy]

Christy- I think I would make a point to schedule time with the nice boys minus the neighbor. Even if you have to leave the neighborhood for play time to get away from him.

I spoke to a friend today because I'm just so upset about this. "A" has also done this to her daughter. And Duckie's teacher checked in with her today to make sure she was okay. She reiterated that Duckie is a good friend and didn't do anything to deserve it. She also gave her an extra hug. husband is livid about this. He doesn't want Duckie to play with "A" anymore.

 

[tiredmommy]

So I had a major problem with Duckie after school today... she wanted to play with "A". I wouldn't answer the phone when "A" called and Duckie became very upset. She even told me that she had overreacted and needed to toughen up. I held firm... and called in back-up. husband told her that they needed a serious break because "A" bullies her. The problem is that "A" has play dates every single day of the week... so Duckie often misses out playing with her kinder friends because their play time becomes monopolised by "A". So Duckie feels left out if she's not playing with "A". She was so sad that it broke my heart.

How many play dates should an 8 year old have a week anyway? Duckie has one to five... depending on the number of activities she has in a given week. I try to have at least one or two down days... family only... so she can re-charge her batteries.

All's well that ends well, though. One of her kinder friends came over after dinner and they are playing right now. Duckie even admitted that we were right... "A" is a "sometimes" friend only.

Cross your fingers that they have different home base teachers next year.

 

[recovering doormat]

Girls will drive you nuts with their games. I have a 19 yr old daughter who was like Ducky, and my 13 yr old is like "A", when they were your daughter's age. I hate to tell you this, but middle school is even worse because then they bully each other via Facebook and Myspace or AIM.

I found out early that any time you have an odd number of girls, your kid is going to come home in tears. Whenever we had a playdate at home or my kid was going to someone else's house, I always made sure there was an even number, or we took a raincheck.

But I am very impressed with your daughter's mature reaction, and totally not surprised that she was willing to overlook A's bad behavior to protect her other playdate opportunities for the week! That's a savvy kid!

 

[nlwright]

i've been reading here about what your daughter is going through. i myself had "friends" like this (i believe the kids call them "frenemies") when i was 11. there were 2 girls who would make me the butt of all their jokes and pick on me over and over. then i would get upset or frustrated and they would make nice with me for awhile....so then they could continue to pick on me. i was a shy kid with little social experience and did not know how friends were supposed to treat each other. they used to dream up cruel tricks on other kids and then get me to do their dirty work for them. finally one of their mean tricks got me in trouble with the police and my parents put an end to the relationship right then and there. once i was officially not their friend their treatment of me got even worse.

i do not regret my experience with these girls. the result was that i grew a back bone when it came to peer pressure and made a decision not to care about their silly antics. when i got to high school i was actually quite popular and i used whatever social power i had to stick up for other kids being bullied or picked on. i was a teen when i learned these valuable, character building lessons. kudos to your daughter for beginning to clue in now. something i learned is that mean girls will always be mean to somebody but it didn't have to be me and eventually the nice kids get sick of it. maybe it might help your daughter to hear stories like mine. it is important that she sees herself as powerful and not as a victim (and from the sounds of things here, so far so good)

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks RD & NLW.

My hope is that "A" and Duckie will not be in the same home base next year... I think that will take a lot of pressure off of Duckie to associate with "A". FWIW, "A" is like this with even or odd numbers of children... she strives to control the pack, I think. She's generally not unkind to Duckie if it's just the two of them but is consistently mean in groups.

I think a part of me is glad that this is happening at this age rather than having Duckie be blindsided by it in middle school. But it's a very small part.