Frustrated tonight, day one of school...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Anxworrier, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    Today is my easy child's 17th birthday, she is easy and happy.

    And first day of 8th grade for 13 difficult child. As usual,my anxiety started ramping up last wknd worrying about how this yr will go. He barely finished his summer math in time and problem did a book report without reading the book. Has not been on his vyvanse all summer, and I worry about him being difficult about starting it up. We have a mtg with the teacher tomorrow afternoon to set goals for the yr and turn in homework etc. I feel like I am gonna be sick about it all.

    Had ortho and cleaning today and they started him on rubber bands from top to bottom. I didn't pay attention to how they hook and after dinner when he had to do it himself he couldn't. Got very frustrated and cried, mad. He has a extremely low ability to handle frustration. I tried to help.didnt work. He locked his door and got mad in his room. Kicking the wall a bit etc. i listened at door and heard him muttering about being so stupid! I went in and he got mad again and every time I opened my mouth he said, I don't need your help. Over and over.
    so I left, got on Facebook and saw a friend had posted this quote from a website, guide about the law of responsibility:

    Responsibility - the ability to respond. Please note, not the ability to react. Responding is a conscious choice, reaction is an unconscious choice.

    You are never given anything you need for your healing, growth and evolvement that you can't handle. Challenges are sent to you to see if you have, or can develop, the ability to respond.

    The Universe respects you and honours you with opportunities, sometimes incorrectly seen as problems, to enable you to develop your responsibility - your ability to respond.

    You are not responsible for anyone else. Their ability to respond is also being tested. If you respond for them how will they heal, grow and evolve. You dishonour them by responding for them.

    Your true responsibility towards others is to empower them by encouraging them to grasp the opportunity presented to them so they have, or develop, their own ability to respond for their own issues.

    By taking responsibility for yourself you ensure that you are fit and healthy emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. If you are in that space, fully fit and healthy, and you have surplus energy, then you may help others empower themselves to learn to be responsible.

    You are not responsible for protecting people from their feelings. Stand in your integrity and honestly express your feelings as you take responsibility for yourself. By honestly expressing your feelings, you allow others to grow in responsibility as they hear and then feel their reactions and responses to what you are feeling about them.

    By taking responsibility do not blame others or project your negative feelings onto others. Take total responsibility for your life.

    so I need to meditate on this because my kids whole life I have spent all my energy trying to avoid him getting mad or wanting to ease his frustration because I feel like for some reason his executive function of his brain does not operate the way other kids his age do. So I try to protect him from himself and protect me from his emotions because I think I'm terribly over sensitive and unable to handle confrontation and am basically failing him at many levels.

    sorry this was a rambler.dont know if it made sense to anyone.but I got it out.that is a start.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting our difficult children is not a job for the faint-hearted.

    My son, who will be 18 in about 10 days, didn't start dealing with his frustration in a truly positive way until he was pushed and challenged to really understand. Around middle school I began to back away from the egg shell walking that consumed me in elementary school (you know, being afraid to make him mad or frustrated so the peace could be kept or the status quo wasn't disturbed). I began to push him a little when I knew his mood was good - make him work for it. It was kinda like a combination of sink or swim and life skills class!

    Our short-fused difficult children are not always going to have us around to soothe the savage beast. By making sure they understand how it feels when the frustration and/or anxiety are building is really important. Knowing what to do to quell it is even more important. At my son's middle and high school, he was/is allowed a "pass" without consequence to leave class for a short period of time and go somewhere (his safe place: library or nurse's office) to pull himself together.

    We know that trying to reason with an increasingly frustrated difficult child is so counterproductive. The self-requested time out really put the ball in his court which is the goal for our kids.


  3. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    thx for the response! I like that your difficult child could do self timeout at school. My difficult child generally holds it in at school and let's it out at home. But I have to say he usually does it in his room. I guess I just have to fight the urge to go in there when I hear him muttering angrily to himself because maybe that's how he gets it out. I of course would prefer to never have anyone in my home mad or upset! Ugh.

    as it turns out at his meeting at school yesterday, he did finish summer math but he did not properly complete the book report. But the teacher was really cool with him and gave it back to him to complete that night. He told him there were more parts to it, and to look at the instruction sheet again. And kinda used it as an example of how he could set a goal to be more attentive to detail and kick up the quality a notch,as this was a goal setting conference. (Earlier His answer to what goAls he wanted to set was I dunno.)

    oh and after all the rage about rubber bands, the next mornfinhe was happy as a lark, saying oh mom we don't need to go back to ortho, I got the bands on.

    again, he recovers fast and me, not so much.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he never been diagnosed? Seems like something is up that he can't control and we, the parents, can maybe guess at it, but we don't know what's really going on and we aren't sure how to treat it.

    Can you tell us his history?
  5. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    I am sorry to hear about your frustrations with your difficult child. I know the feeling about them recovering super fast and then not understanding why we don't. I completely understand your worries about school. I hope things go well for you this school year.
  6. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    Thx Elmo! It's nice to know people get it over here! It's hArd when you have friends whose kids seem perfect! I'm putting a prayer out there in the universe for a smooth school year for all of us, or to at least be able to handle what comes up with grace and patience!
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    All my kids would get over things fast and not understand while I was still upset a week or two later.
  8. twintroubles

    twintroubles New Member

    Hi everyone, new here...jumping in, hope you wont mind :)

    I am having serious anxiety about school starting up again, we start back first week of september here. I am looking forward in a way, because it means some time alone, quiet in the house ( I only work evenings, and only part time, lucky me!!) But I am dreading the homework lies, and manipulations, the fighting about getting up in the morning, the explosive outbursts after school, the phone tummy, head, whatever hurts...*SIGH* I am trying to be positive, and put a plan into place this time, I am going to lay down the "house rules" really clear from the get go, and have some activities I want to put them in, some together, some apart... and ones that are healthy, not so competetive, ie scouts, swimming, music lessons..

    I do say a prayer for a smooth start to this school year, for all of us parents to difficult children!!!
  9. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    Twin troubles, I totally get it. My difficult child last year started out middle school missing assignments, lying to teachers about turning stuff in, no accountability for actions or lack thereof. Got one phone call that he got a red book, discipline warning, which I have never had happen in eight yrs of schooling with him. Then I started to have panic attacks whenever my cell phone would ring or I would see new email from school during my work day. I got into worst case scenario thnking all the time. Dealing w difficult child, confronting about homework etc made me feel sick. I lost like ten pounds in a month. Then I got him on vyvanse and he was suddenly able to get work done. Became communicative w me etc. no medications all summer, starting back to eight grade has me scared that the bottom will fall out again!

    *Prayers of focus, calm and patience for us all!