Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Mar 12, 2009.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Each of my difficult children has physical health issues along with the mental ones. The combination can be really frustrating, when they don't take care of themselves.

    Youngest had a seizure early Monday morning. Her boyfriend called me and I went over there, he couldn't stay with her since he had to leave for work. I stayed with her, got my grandson to daycare, then went to work once she seemed fairly stable. The after-effects lingered, however (mental confusion/fuzziness and difficulty talking), so I ended up leaving work and took her to the ER; spent 7 hours with her. Come to find out she is NOT taking her seizure medications as prescribed; only taking one pill a day instead of one twice a day. This is not new news, she did that often when she lived with me . She is blaming it on the cost of the medications, despite the fact both I and her boyfriend have told her we will pay for it until she gets approved for the uninsured coverage through the manufacturer (she currently has a card from one of the discount programs you seen on TV for uninsured folks, but the cost is still $300, which is a 50% discount). Anyway... ARGH. She has a seizure, I run to help because she can't physically take care of her son until after-effects subside. The fact she had a seizure due to her own irressponsibility, just ticks me off, and I feel quite resentful about helping her in those circumstances.

    Oldest .. (warning, this one is more graphic) .. has an ileostomy, needs constant supplies of ostomy bags. She is also uninsured. She has found several sources of supplies for extremely reduced cost. I would help her pay for them, no problem. She continues her pattern, however, of waiting until she is almost OUT of supplies before ordering. A person with an ostomy can't live without the ostomy bags. When the seals wear out, they're done. So, in the past, I or her boyfriend have sometimes handed over the $75.00 or more to buy her a supply from a local pharmacy, when there is no time to mail-order the discounted ones. I mean, she HAS to have them. But she called the other day, once again, has ONE bag left. She doesn't have the money to buy them from the pharmacy. I didn't touch the bait. She didn't ask me to buy any, and I didn't offer. I just let her vent. She even admitted it was "stupid" to spend her money on a concert when she needed bags. But I do not get how you don't KNOW you are almost out of them? How do you ignore that? And how do you do it not once or twice, but over and over and over?

    Detaching from health issues is completely different from other issues, for me. It's really hard, when you know your child's health is at stake. But, when they continue to undermine their health through their own actions or inaction, it's hard to feel much sympathy and very easy to feel extreme resentment over any helping at all. They both drag their feet about applying for aid, buying supplies filling prescriptions at the last minute. I refuse to step in and take over this stuff for them .. they're adults. They're not incapable of taking it over, they just don't want to be bothered.

    So frustrating. No answers, really, I just needed to vent.

    Thanks for reading!
  2. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry. I can see how you are frustrated and how it is really a different kind of detachment for you. You are right in that these are real medical issues so detaching is probably very hard for you. But, as you said, they are contributing to their own health problems. You can only do so much. At some point they must step up and act responsibly with regards to caring for themselves.

    That being said, I can see how this must be very scary for you. You are between a rock and a hard place. You love them and want very much for them to be okay. As a mom your instinct is to nurture your sick children, yet you don't want to send the wrong message. You need them to be responsible for themselves. That's a really tough situation to be in. I really feel for you. I am not sure how I would handle this.

    I will keep you and your children in my prayers!

  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Crazy, I don't have the faintest idea what to say because everything you said is absolutely correct. So maybe what I'll say is that you are absolutely right. You have unique challenges with your girls. I don't know where you draw the line in these kinds of situations. I do know that you are an exceptional Mom.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Crazy I have these sorts of issues with Travis, and yes, it drives me nuts. He refuses once again to return to the oncologist for treatment of his blood disorder. He refuses to see a neurologist to get back onto his seizure medications. And he's a grown adult and I can't make him if he doesn't want to. I made sure he was well informed, and have had to let it go.

    The only way the kids are going to learn to care for their medical conditions is to have to do it themselves. I know it's hard not to step in. Most especially with the ostomy..........but they're going to be 40 one day and you may find yourself still doing this sort of thing for them if you don't make them do it now. There is no excuse at all to not know when you're in need of ostomy bags.

    I don't handle any of Nichole's medical stuff either. She's had to do it for herself for almost 2 yrs now. And she does it well.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you all. I admit I sometimes get discouraged when I don't get many replies here, but I do recognize that my challenges are somewhat unique when it comes to the physical health vs. mental health issues with my daughters. But someday, I'll be gone and they'll need to figure all of this out for themselves. I do my best to push them into doing that now, but some days are harder than others. Also, the resentment I feel just builds up sometimes ... just when I'm getting my own life back, some "crisis" happens and I have to step in and help once again. (ok, I don't "have to," but I do). I just wish it was done. But it will never really be done, with my girls.

    Oldest called back yesterday and asked if her boyfriend could borrow my car to go buy her supplies (his car has a flat tire and they can't afford a new tire, and chose to buy her supplies vs. the tire). I agreed, and he came to my office at lunch (they live within walking distance of my office) and got my keys, had it back within an hour. So, I helped without forking over any money, except the gas in my tank.

    Youngest called last night as soon as she got off work and I was in the middle of a store. She had that little-girl voice on.. I asked how she was and she said she was "so exhausted." I asked if she'd made the follow-up appointment with the neurologist yet, and she said she'd lost the number and that her friend's boyfriend, who worked at the hospital, was getting it for her. Never mind she has an internet connection and could look it up herself. It's been 3 days since teh ER visit, she claims she doesn't feel better, and she hasn't gbothered to make a follow-up appointment? No, doesn't wash with me. I won't run to help her with grandson. I got angry, she told me to "stop yelling" at her (does anyone else's difficult child accuse them of "yelling" when they simply get angry, even without raising your voice?!) Miraculously, hours later, I called her back and she sounded quite "normal." I hate being manipulated, I really do.

    I am just so sick of the stupid excuses, you know? How did I manage to raise two such "dependent" daughters when I am so INdependent myself, and rarely ask anyone for help? I feel like I do well at detachment, I rarely rescue except in times of absolute need, yet they're not learning? Or are they just not learning fast enough for me, because I want it all to happen now? There is certainly progress...I guess I'm just impatient. I'm sick of the life I spent taking care of everyone else but myself. I love my girls more than I can say, and I love my grandson, but I am just done.

    Plus, I'm PMSing. And overdosed on Thin Mints and Samoas.

    I guess I really need that vent... lol