Going to Houston...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Feb 22, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Well I talked to difficult child tonight. He came over to use the computer to take two online exams - one 65, one 17.

    Afterwards, I explained under what circumstances he could continue in school.

    His response. I'm going to Houston. Why? Because I hear they have the best soup kitchens.

    I repeated my position and went on to say that I knew he wasn't sober. He denied.

    Since I knew he wasn't really paying attention to me I told him I had changed my will. That the only way he would inherit anything is by being sober and staying out of legal troubles.

    It got worse after that. He explained that I never loved him - that I talked to my friends about him behind his back - that I only wanted him to do well because I wanted to brag to my friends (don't confuse him with the contradictions...).

    I dropped him off and then the texts started. That sometimes he hoped he he would never see me again. That I should never speak to him again and cut him off. Then he doesn't care - he wants out and he never wants to be heard from again. I responded "Out of what?" and he never replied. I figure he is only looking for attention and for me to give in.

    If anyone has any advice for me if he does continue to send texts imply (or saying) he is considering suicide, I would be grateful. Thanks...
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    If he keeps implying suicide i would call the police, express your concerns and ask them to do a well being check on him....that way you are not ignoring a suicide threat which i dont think you want to do, but are not being manipulated by it either.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    oh yeah, for sure put it in the hands of authorities if he implies suicide. He doesn't suck you into the action and discussion then and you have taken the threat seriously and shown that you care. Just MHO, even with Q... he doesn't think death is permanent and will say such things, but he then has to talk to his counselor just to make sure and he usually likes the attention but in this case because it is not his agenda... not so much.. by then it is not something he wants to discuss. No one is mean or anything and he just needs to know that is a serious thing to say so everyone will make sure even if he was just mad or sad, that it is never a joke (his words sometimes) or something we just ignore. If he really means it then we have to find help.
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    AG- I saw your post last night on my iPhone and I immediately thought of the "statements to detach" that Trinity posted a few months ago on the Parents Emeritus Board. While I think you have to take suicide threats seriously, I am not sure that is what your difficult child is implying. But I don't know. I think texts are rough but hey I am the mom whose kid isn't in touch - so I am certainly not a good source of advice. I might have texted back - hey - you're tired, I am tired, I love you - let's get a good night sleep and we can talk in the morning."

    These are the statements to detach as seen on the PE board - I copied them down and added a few of my own as well as some pre-planned answers to his most common retorts.

    I prepped them all for out "talk" in November at which time I didn't need them. I found the printed list a few days after difficult child stormed out in January and I read them aloud to my husband. Ironically -- difficult child said EVERY SINGLE PHRASE we predicted in that January discussions. Not that it made a difference, but at least we didn't engage. I hope this helps. I apologize for the length - I copied it straight from my journal page and don't have time to edit.

    Phrases to use that acknowledge but do not engage:
    I'm projecting my difficult child will continue to say things such as:

    -- "I am an adult why do I have a curfew (need to tell you where I am etc)?"

    -- "Other parents are fine with their kids drinking and smoking, you're the ones with the problem"
    -- "Pot is legal in many places and will be legal here soon!
    -- "Most people (or you did) party in college and they are FINE"
    -- "If you let me do what I want, none of this would have happened"
    -- "I had to lie to you because you wouldn't have wanted me to do it"
    -- "You refuse to compromise" (ha, as if - we've compromised so much that we are dizzy)
    -- "It's your fault because (insert one: you are too controlling, you breathe oxygen, your eyes are brown, you care too much, you care too little, you don't live in the real world, you are fake, this family is dysfunctional, you took me to FL instead of Aspen etc)

    This is your fault: why can't you (be like other parents?) (let me live my own life)

    A: "I know you feel that we're not your ideal parents. (resist to insert we know how you feel) . How do you think you should cope with that?

    "Pot will be legal (is legal elsewhere)"

    A: That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change"

    Other phrases to detach:

    "I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money."

    "Well, I'm sure you'll work it out."

    "That sounds like an interesting idea."

    "Good for you, honey!"

    "How are you handling that?"

    "How does he/she feel?"

    "I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."

    "I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."

    "Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"

    "We must have a bad signal, I can't hear you"

    "I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."

    "That must make you feel good."

    "That must make you feel bad."

    "How does that make you feel?"

    "What's your opinion?"

    "I'm so sorry, honey."
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Thanks for these Sig. Going to print it and keep handy.

    I haven't heard from him. He's using his cell phone. I think he is realizing i mean what i say and is really angry about it. I don't think he is suicidal but if he starts to talk like it, i will go to the police station and show them the texts as we live about a mile apart.

    One encouraging thing...when he went outside to smoke, I went through his wallet and some of his texts. (if you want to condemn me, go ahead, but this is my underaged addicted child). No cash. Nothing in the texts other than beer. I feared he might be dealing drugs for cash so i am relieved.

    I was really proud of myself and how I reacted last night. I talked with a good friend, took a long shower and made a cup of tea. Then, i called a couple of phone meetings and then to sleep.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Won't see any criticism from me, I went thru difficult child's purse and phone whenever I could. I needed to know what she was involved in.

    She often made comments about killing herself. I finally told her I hoped she wouldn't but she was killing herself with drugs and alcohol anyway.

    Im glad things are quiet for the time being.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Not critisism from me either. It is well and good to have and follow a philosophy of not snooping on your kid and letting them have their privacy and all that... but its a different story with a kid you don't trust who is doing dangerous things. Not that snooping is always the right thing to do either but I think it is very very understandable and I have certainly done it.

    What I have found interesting is that with my 16 year old easy child daughter I find no need and no reason to snoop. She talks to me for one thing and tells me all that is going on.... and I trust her and she has never given me any reason all not to... so it is totally easy and makes sense for me to respect her privacy!! Once in a while i look at her FB page but she has me as a friend and so that is not snooping.

  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    ditto what TL and Nancy said. I was really hoping difficult child would leave his phone lying around while he was home so I could explore his address book. no such luck. I very rarely check up on PC17 & PC14 - don't feel the need.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    And I also never had a need to check on easy child. I believe you earn trust and therefore are treated as trustworthy.

  10. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I think checking (snooping) on your difficult child is what a good parent does. I search her room regularly- Throw out papers with numbers on them, and anything else we don't want around here. I have thrown away so many lighters in the last 3 months. What I don't get is how "stupid" she can be. She leaves stuff around that she absolutely knows I will throw out. I agree with everyone else, privacy is something you earn. If you are being safe and following the rules-no worries. Making bad choices-you get no privacy. Hang in there. Its so hard to know the line between manipulative suicide threats and the real intention. Mine knows she will go to the psychiatric hospital. if she starts that. She doesn't like it there so that helps. wWe wrote this in a safety plan.
  11. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Exhausted....what is a safety plan? Thanks!