Had a second chance and blew it....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wakeupcall, Mar 21, 2015.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child had orientation for a nationally known fast food company last Sat. He didn't go for whatever the reason. I came unglued. He arranged to postpone it for today, with his start date this coming Monday. (Difficult Child has worked for this company before and I was thrilled they were willing to give him another chance. It's the only place I can think of who will hire cons and druggies..) Guess what? He was up all night drugging around and wouldn't get out of the bed to go to orientation!! I've come unglued again. What, pray tell, is he going to do for a job....ever?? This company, I'm sure, is done with him. Now what??

    All this info came from his father (my ex) whom he lives with. My suggestion was...cut off ALL funds, cold turkey!! Ex and I just had this discussion LAST weekend that as long as he was giving him money, he had no reason to want a job. Back in the saddle.

    I.AM.TOTALLY.DISGUSTED!!!! With both of them. Difficult Child will never be anything but a slug as long has his father continues to enable. I am at a loss....I see this trainwreck happening before my eyes!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, I would be disgusted too. What can ex be thinking? I was so worried about my daughter and what kind of job she was going to be able to get after being fired from several and her stay in rehab and her gap in her resume. I worried more than she did.

    Your Difficult Child is living day to day, that's what druggies do. They have no care about the future. There isn't much you can do but natural consequences will eventually kick in.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2015
  3. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    He's so young. I know, I know, he's slmost 20....but so immature, more like a 15 year old. Can't even picture him in jail. I know that's where he's headed...what will happen to him? I know absolutely nothing about jail...never happened to anyone in our family, ever. O.m. G...
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is so hard to watch them throw away a second chance. Many of our Difficult Child's are emotionally immature.

    He is still very young, though. We had a member who used to say that they were not done cooking until 25.

    His father is not doing him any favors, though. I understand your frustration.


  5. Rina

    Rina Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I agree that enabling your son by giving him money will only ensure that this situation continues. Unfortunately, we can't make people's decisions for them... I hope your ex will realize he's achieving nothing by trying to shield your son from his own actions.
    I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I'm sorry.
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    So today Difficult Child and I have a shouting match on the phone (he used a friend's cell). I cut off his cell phone service. He says, how can his potential employer call him when I cut off his phone. All I know is he has no job and is letting girlfriend use his cell. I refuse to pay for girlfriend a phone!!! Should I turn his service back on? Help, please...
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would get him a month-to-month cheap plan from Walmart...no contract, commitment, and he doesn't need the internet to get work calls. After a month, if he isn't looking for jobs, I"d cut him off. He can go to the library to fill out job applications and it's free. They will help him if he needs assistance.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He borrowed a cell phone to call you and be a disrespectful entitled brat. Let his enabling father buy him a phone. Not your circus .......... not your monkey.
  9. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Two great suggestions! Thanks! All I have ever paid for is his phone, but when he isn't even TRYING it just ticks me off to no end. And then to not answer my calls or texts (like he's way too busy) sends me over the edge.

    He cares about nothing but himself, no one. He even had the nerve to threaten that then I just wouldn't see him at all. Then asked if I wanted to go to lunch next week. I told him "no thanks...". Still, all this makes me feel like a rotten mother...is that normal?
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, if you were talking about a young child. It may be rotten then...depending.

    No, since he is acting like a rotten adult ;)

    You're nicer than me, but most here are. If I know my adult kid is self-destructing, I won't help him do it...I cut the money. I always assume that a drug user is going to use that cell phone and car for the bad. I also learned that most drug users are doing a lot more than the pot we want to believe that is all they are doing.

    Why fund abuse? If they really want to get a job, they will get one. I don't think they try very hard to get employed. And most don't keep those jobs long if they do happen to get some burger joint to give them some hours.

    They use the "job" card a lot, but they don't really want to work or they'd be working and probably still be living in our homes and not on drugs.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
  11. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    If he has little to no income, he will qualify for a government assisted cell phone. I'm not proud my son has one, but I'm thankful that he does. It gives me comfort that i can contact him when needed and that i am not enabling him by providing it for him. Does that make sense?
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Just a different take on the phone issue. I totally understand the idea of cutting off the phone and support it if it is right for you. However for me I have decided to keep my son on our cell phone plan. The absolute worst time for me was when he was homeless and lost his phone because then I went through many a night not knowing if he was alive or dead. When he has a phone on our plan then at least I could go on line to see if he was using to make calls and if he was at least I knew he was alive. That helped me and it is for that reason I will keep him on our plan. Yes he may use it to do drug deals or shady things....but I don't think my not funding a phone would stop him from doing those things either but in the really bad times it helped me get some sleep at night.
  13. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    So now he has no job, no phone, no money. He took his guitar and guitar case to a pawn shop yesterday. He has pawned his xbox, whole drum set and guitar. Ex went to a pawn shop to try to retrieve the guitar, but it wasn't there. He found out he had been there before though.

    This morning his father told him to get out!! So he called from a friends phone and asked if he could move in with me and new husband for awhile. I told him no. I feel like such a rotten mother.....but new husband wouldn't put up with his behavior for one second! It wouldn't work for even 24 hours...I still feel like a rotten mother.........
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You are not a rotten mother! He has put you in an awful position....but sometimes saying no is absolutely the best thing you can do. I don't think letting him come live with you would help him right now.
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    To tell your child hurts. You are NOT a rotten mother but sometimes you just need to let them fall on their faces. The way we learn is by making mistakes, let him make his. No, you wont feel good about this but it needs to be done. That is the lesson Lil and I have had to learn.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Wakeupcall...you did the right thing.

    Hang in there...these are the hardest of times. You set a new boundary. When we set new boundaries, people don't like it and they push back...HARD.

    Feel the full spectrum of your feelings---they are real, true and yours, even the guilt----BUT....wait. Don't act. Don't do a single thing, if you can. Let time go by.

    Things have a way of continuing to change without you and me doing one single thing.

    See what happens. Spend the time while waiting on YOU---on feeling those feelings, letting them flow through you...they will not kill you, even though they may not feel good. Sometimes I would just lie on the bed and cry....stare at the wall...take a long nap....hit the pillow hard 25 times...

    Regarding the phone, I remember stopping the phone with difficult child. It was a hard step to take. One intermediary step could be to get a track phone from Walmart with a phone card for a certain number of minutes. Make it clear that when those minutes run out, you are not going to buy more minutes. It's up to him to buy them with his own money.

    Be prepared for whatever happens. This is an in-between step and it's for YOU, not for him. You will know that you were again setting a new boundary and giving him a chance to do something new...with a little more time to do it.

    My son hocked anything and everything. It's just stuff. The path to the rock bottom is a long, painful, ugly one.

    My son, who had a very good upper middle class life with all of the trappings....threw it all away, little by little over five years. The nice bedroom and private bathroom here at my house, the paid-for college education, the car to drive that he just had to put gas in (insurance paid by us, car paid by us). As we gave him more and more responsibility from age 18, he threw more and more away.

    It was and is his journey. He made his own situation. We gave him 1,000 chances, and he took none of them.

    People make choices. And then, they have to live with the consequences of those choices. That is how they, and we, learn.

    There is no other way.

    It's painful to watch someone we love so much put themselves and us, through this kind of stupidity and horror.

    The more you can take steps back, the better off you...and he...will be.

    Hang in there.

    We are here for you.
  17. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Two officers showed up where ex and my son live late yesterday. Difficult Child was arrested for probation violation. Once again ex paid to bail him out $565. Guess ex has the will and the $$ to keep doing it. I would have neither. All ex did to get the charge expunged and this is what he got. I imagine that's the key, EX was doing stuff to get it expunged, not Difficult Child.

    I'm very sad.....
  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Wakeupcall, I watched my ex-husband enable Difficult Child for years after I stopped. It is very sad, I completely agree with you.

    They are only delaying the inevitable with their enabling, but we can't change them either.

    I'm just glad he is not living with you. Do some kind things for yourself, and keep posting here. Let us know how you are in the midst of this.

    What are you doing for YOU? Please consider going to Al-Anon---it is a lifesaver.

    Warm hugs.
  19. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child has a probation revocation hearing on Wednesday. Hired attorney says Difficult Child will get 3-5 days in jail or 9 months of detox, his choice. I know which he will choose...he can't even think about 9 mo from now. Can't believe his poor behavior/choices has led to this. I asked ex not to tell Difficult Child what his choices will be, I'm afraid he'd run. Then I asked ex what DCs consequences were going to be when he got home, and you know what, ex couldn't even answer me. Unbelievable...

    I'm very, very, sad....
  20. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    My son had those hearings too. He violated probation over and over again. It was painful to witness and my grief was deep and wide. My grief went on for a very long time, and it would bubble up at unexpected moments.

    When I could, when I didn't have to go to a meeting or fulfill some responsibility, I would work to accept my grief. I made time for it. I allowed myself to lie down on the bed, cry for a long time, stare at the wall, sleep. When I got up, I felt better, but still very heavy with it all. One time I was driving in the car, and I started moaning. The pain was coming out, from a place deep inside me. It was an awful sound, even to my own ears. It helped me.

    Grief is a protection for us. It is us saying, this is too much. I need to slow way, way down for a while. I need to turn inside myself and soothe myself. I am hurting badly.

    I learned to be much more gentle and kind to myself during these times. These times are when I learned to buy flowers for the kitchen table, to sit on the front porch steps in the sun, to pull weeds in the yard, and to take lots of naps.

    They were physical things, at those moments, not mental ones. I couldn't handle anything else mental.

    WUC, please, be very gentle with YOU right now. Being sad won't kill you, and allowing yourself to just simply feel your feelings is healing.

    Things will change with your son. They could get better and they could get worse for a while. I used to brace myself against jail, and then I learned that jail was a good thing...for me...when he was there. I could relax into knowing he had three meals and a roof. He probably wasn't using drugs. It was forced detox. I had to lean into the idea of jail, after bracing against it for so long. It didn't kill me.

    Over a long, long time, I came to see that it is my own attitude and viewpoint about whatever is happening that hurts me the most. My son made a lot of really bad decisions, to my way of thinking. I can't understand or fathom it even today.

    But it has been his own journey that he has had to walk, his own path, for whatever reason. Today, I work hard (and fail sometimes) to accept him for who he is. To accept life on life's terms. To lean in to whatever is happening. Because that is where peace is, and peace is what I want today, more than anything.

    Keep posting. We care.