Havent been on in a long, long time.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rob#30, Dec 4, 2010.

  1. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    well, its probably been 3 years since I posted anything here. Back then my difficult child was 12, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ADHD, ODD. At this point, he's 15, obviously still the same diagnosis, a couple added on since then, hypomania being one of them. His problems have intensified so much that its hard to even know where to start. I have him on a PINS petition, he steals anything he can get his hands on, there is a keyed lock on every single door in our home. He has stolen aprox $6,000 worth of jewlery, motorcycle parts, various electronics from my husband (not his bio dad). Money, his own prescription drugs to sell, pawned his XBox. Yes, obviously he does drugs. Of course he says "only pot". Hes in outpatient drug treatment twice a week. We have "functional family therapy" once a week, he sees his psychiatrist every other week. In the last 6 mos or so his argumentative, confrontational behavior has gotten worse. It escalated into daily death threats against me, calling me a "scumbag" or the "c" word. Keep in mind, he has a 3 yr old sister that hears this. My husbands hands are tied for obvious reasons. One word from him & difficult child is even more confrontational. 3 weeks ago the police had to be called after he slammed the bathroom door in my face which caused a picture to fall off the wall & hit my 3 yr old in the head. The argument was over the fact that I had just put out the 5th missing persons report on him in 4 months and he thought he was going back out. His father, I call him Super Dad, swooped in at the last second and took him to his house so the police wouldnt take him. Hes been there ever since. So, after all that (and believe me thats not all of it!) Why do I feel SO guilty??? Why does it feel SO wrong that my sons not here?? Its like Im addicted to the stress. I feel like I have no right to be "happy" that hes not here. It feels so wrong, and his fathers house is NOT a good environment for him. His Probation Officer says this is his last stop before being placed, and I feel like if he cant be with me then he should be with his dad. But I would really like to not feel like I did all of this somehow. difficult child says I exaggerate everything, I blow everything out of proportion, he would never really hurt me. Somebody please give me some words of wisdom... Not just "Its not your fault" because I really, truly in my heart do believe that so much of it IS my fault. I have allowed this behavior for a long time, tried to cover it up, gave into things that I shouldnt have just because it was easier. I just dont know how to parent him!!
     
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Your body can used to the chemicals it puts out as a stress reaction, and having minimal stress (by comparison) suddenly can be a shock to the system that takes some getting used to.

    Have there been any other major changes stemming from around the time this started, like a medication change, move, girlfriend? I have heard that medications often need to get changed (sometimes a lot) during teenage years because their bodies and brains are going through such rapid changes and when you add in hormonal factors... he may not be reacting to his medications like he used to. I'm sure you know the drug use interferes with his medications, too.

    *hugs* dearie, you remembered to come back here, so you know you'll get all the advice and ideas you can handle.
     
  3. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    No, no major changes, difficult children on 70 Mgs of Vyvanse & 150 Mgs of Seroquil. Personally I think the Seroquil does nothing but help him sleep at night which he does not do if he doesnt take it. psychiatrist says hes possibly got some kind of anti social personality disorder, maybe conduct disorder heading towards Psociopath.... Who knows anymore. No girlfriend, tons of friends that are girls but no real friends. Very hard to explain him, the word I always use is "inappropriate". I dont know what to do with him anymore....
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    School and social interactions are more complex at this age, too. Hearing "inappropriate" immediately makes me think some type of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), or a Learning Disability (LD). Has he been recently checked for any of these? With the changes going on it may well be time to see about shifting around his medications, he may have outgrown them.
    Ladies, some help here? Y'all have more experiences with teens than I do (not counting my very difficult child CsIL by 1st XH, and that was a lot of years ago).
     
  5. moonglow

    moonglow New Member

    First I have to say that its 'right' and 'ok' for him to not be in your home. You have to put the safety of your little three year old first...and frankly your safety too. More 'accidents' will happen where she will get hurt. And even though he doesn't do it on purpose...his acting out causes the accidents. If he didn't act out, there would be no accidents. If you kept him in your home and she got seriously hurt you could be in danger of losing her! So don't even think of having him back home as long as he is acting this way.

    And yes while we all make mistakes with our kids and we blame ourselves...there are tons of kids out there raised with truly terrible parenting that turn out just fine. Explain that!

    I made a billion mistakes with my son and while he was a major difficult child ....he is now a easy child. Alot of things come into play to explain that. And though he is growing by leaps and bounds his medications haven't been increased much at all. His biggest problems at times are sleep problems and I give him 'calm forte' for that which this year has been helping...last year they didn't seem to help much. Who knows why. I don't know why...I read some articles on how hormones in teens can keep them from sleeping well. Just the surges of hormones they are getting. Not a whole lot that can be done about that. (though I vote for reserve HTR for them..ha!)

    Drugs use will cause a person...teenager, adult...to do things they wouldn't normally do and it can change their personality drastically. The problem with pot is sometimes other drugs are mixed into it...more then likely its not just pot getting into his system and most pot smokers don't 'need' their fix like he appears to be doing by resorting to stealing like this. Sounds like to me he is hooked on something much worse. Have you been able to get any drug testing done on him? Here is a link about warning signs of drug use in teens: http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/drugsofabuse/a/driug_abuse20.htm

    I know its tough...I think us moms always carry alot of guilt when it comes to our kids. But you need to also remember if you are down and depressed your little one will pick up on that. Being a happy, healthy mom is for her benefit!

    Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves.
     
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Sounds like you are co-dependent. It happens to a lot of us. Read up on it, attend Al Anon or Narc Anon. They will help! You have nothing to feel guilty about. I swear guilt comes with motherhood, but you have done nothing wrong.
     
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    You should absolutely NOT feel guilty about your son living with his dad. You are making what you think is the best decision for him at this point in his life. If the probation officer says that he is closed to being placed, then you needed to do something and you did it. Hopefully, living with his dad will help him.

    Pam
     
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    been there done that - I know the feeling. You know it is for the best, because other options are worse. But, you just know that you NEVER, EVER would have believed that this could be your life and your child would be living in another home other than yours.
    It is a hard concept to accept - you may never. But, it is what it is and it IS for the best. Can you imagine if he had truly harmed your easy child 3? He would have to live with that for the rest of his life. You do not want the 3 yo harmed, but you also do not want your difficult child to have to live with that guilt either.

    So, you take on the guilt. Better than him having to live with some, right? You see - you ARE being the best mom you could possibly be in this situation. It may not be traditional - but you are still a wonderful mom to shoulder this burden for your child.
     
  9. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    I just want to say thanks to all of you. Your quite possibly the best people in the world when it comes to making someone feel better in these unbearable situations, Love you all.....
     
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Aw hugs... it is an awful place to be. So the big thing I am wondering about is his drug use. Drug use by our difficult children make all the difficult child behavior much much worse. The stealing and violence especially. So he is in outpatient drug treatment. Is it helpful? Is he still using? If he is still using then until that stops nothing else will change for him. It seems drug users often say its just pot...somehow they feel their parents will find that more acceptable. And it is true, I think we as parents don't worry as much about pot. I know with my son he said it was just pot.... but it was way more than that.

    I totally understand about the guilt..... but you know what you can't change the past whatever it is. I think we have all made mistakes and it is easier to give in too much with our difficult child's. I know for me I could not be on top of every little thing when he was young, it just wasn't possible and would have created its own set of problems.

    So one thing to think about is what message are you sending him if you continue to let him live at your house with the type of stuff he is doing? You are sending him a message that that stuff is ok or has no consequences. He is getting to an age where the outside world will impose consequences and he needs to learn that.

    So it may not feel this way but it may be best for him to not live at your house. I know as a mom it is really hard to accept that, but I think it is true for a lot of us.

    Absolutely think about your priorities. Your 3 year old cannot protect herself, you need to do that.

    See if you can find a parents group for Alanon. My husband and I have started going to one and I can't tell you how helpful it has been. I felt like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders the first time I went.... part of it was hey all these nice and interesting people have similar problesms that I do, and if it is not their fault then it is not mine either.
     
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