Hello, Im new here and in need of help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Amandria, May 13, 2012.

  1. Amandria

    Amandria New Member

    Im 45, my youngest is 9, my oldest is 26.. and I have my hands full with a few kids and a mother and sister who ae all ADHD Ishhh
    My youngest son 9 and one of my middle children 15 have been diagnosed with ADHD, and a few of my other kids have simila traits but not to bad, I had lived a life of torment with my mother, having to cope with a lot of nasty things as a child, then found my self in an abusive marrage, now divorsed which ended 23 years ago.. from a life of rape and abuse, i think ive coped really well.. and life is good right now, but the torment of a very negative teen who is constantly bullying his younger sister and brother, is really getting me down, ive never felt this low.. to an extent were i feel like packing up my things and just leaving, but, the love I have for my kids always outrides the temptation to just leave... im not a quiter, im a strong independant person, a spiritual person, but right now, i feel at rock bottom, and I feel liek giving up... Ive just searched on the net for some help, looking for a way out of all this mess, cant stop crying, i feel ive failed... all my life, its been my dream to have lots of children, and i love them all so much, i love teaching them things, i want nothing more to see them be happy, and to do well, and get good jobs... a few are in uni, one has graduated, but he wont speak with me at the moment, because his dad raped me, and he cant bare to face the truth.. its difficult.. my ex husband is a very nasty man, but i know he loves his kids, and hes done a lovely job telling the kids that im a lier.. which really hurts, after all hes put me through... poor kids getting caught up in such a mess which one man has caused.. things latly have came to ahead.. all because my 20 year old daughter started to ask me about the past a few weeks ago, and I tell what happend, and im the bad person.... sorry for going on to much, I know im just new here, but I am so despret to find somewere, so I can let this all out x Im sick of bottling things up in my head, which are upsetting me so much
     
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) Welcome to board. It sounds like you are going through so much. Have you contacted a local domestic violence shelter? Even though you left the marriage a long time ago, so much of this is related to the abuse then and his continued emotional abuse now. The shelters usually have really good counselors that can help you and the kids process everything.
     
  3. Amandria

    Amandria New Member

    I have had councilling for what happend to me years ago, and I have always coped well enough with things, its not what happend which is hurting, its my few older kids who have decided that they do not belive me, for what there dad put me through, they do know, that there dad can be a very nasty selfish man, but hes been diagnosed with MS.. and I think they pity him, and hes still poisining there minds about me, even though I havnt seen him for over 20 years

    Hes still getting to my kids and turning them against me.. its very upsetting how this man is still destroying my life from behind the scenes..

    Im a very happy peaceful person.. I work volluntry in a Museum.. I love what I do, I love my kids and take pride in my home.. I struggle each day with Anemea.. when I get my kids to school, I just wnat to go back to bed, but I dont, I forse myself each day to get things done.. Im starting to have pain from artheritus to, pains in my hand and shoulder.. the cold weather in the north of England cripples me... but i battle on... having a few kids with ADHD is very challanging, I have totally lost the plot with my 15 year old ADHD son this morning, Im just feeling so low, feel like I wanna give up.. I think hes aspergers.. he has no remorse, cant see how people are hurting, he just dosnt care about anyones feelings at all... he comes a cross sucha very nasty dark charector, and im affraid im starting to eally hate having him in my life, because he makes me feel so upset all the time, i know i sound very harsh, i do love him, but i dont like him.. i havnt brought him up this way, sorry for my rantings .., im just so despret to get these things im feeling of my chest... im finding it really hard to cope with him.. hes a bully, hes rude, hes disrespectful. and puts on the charm when he wants something, hes also very lazy, and addicted to his fighting game... i actually banned violent games coming into my home, but he sneaks games in my home, which really upsets me. i cant destry them, because hes borrowed them from people.. I am seriously thinking about taking his PS3 from him, please tell me what you think ? i really need some help, but want to do whats right, and I just cant think straight anymore
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, hon. Welcome to our board, but so sorry you have to be here.

    I am so sorry you have gone through so much. May I ask what country you live in because somebody from there may post here...and each country seems different in how to get help. I do think it would help you to be in some support group. I am really sorry your son is siding with his idiot father. It does not mean he has Aspergers. Aspies feel deeply, they just can not show it that well. I have no idea what is wrong with him, but we all need support when going through difficult situations with our children...and with the aftereffects of sexual violence. Are you near any centers that help women who were sexually abused?

    I hope we can learn more about you and help be your support system. Please feel free to tell us more so maybe we can give you better suggestions.
     
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi and welcome to our corner of the world. There are many here who will be able to share with you similar situations, sadly. I think JJJ is on to something because as I read your post, you are STILL being abused by this man. He is emotionally abusing you and using the biggest weapon ever, the love of your children, against you. Just my opinion, so if it is not comfortable to you I understand. I just always feel better when I can be around or talk to people who really understand, and sadly there are a lot of ex's who put their kids in this awful in between position and continue to abuse even after the relationship has ended.

    Anyway, regarding your kids. It has to be very confusing to be in the middle like that. I am sure they love you both and right now they are not dealing well with this. Ex. is likely going to be the worst for it in the end when the dust settles and they mature to a place where they see what he did to them...putting a wedge between you and your children. How painful to go through all of this in the mean time. It is heart breaking and I am truly sorry for you.

    I have a fifteen year old who is on the spectrum and his behaviors are very hard to deal with as well. He calls me names and rages against me, hitting and kicking....it is hard in those moments to feel motherly love for sure. As for your son, even if those games are not his, he is responsible and if they disappeared, I suspect his friends would not loan them to him anymore??? Just a thought. He broke the rules, he would have to figure out a way to pay them back. Can you get rid of the gaming system itself? I dont have one in my house. You wont be able to control what he does out of your home but you could do that.

    If he is bullying your younger kids is there any support you can get for him? Has he been evaluated to see if he really does have Asperger's? What other symptoms does he have. Does he take medicine at all? Some kids benefit from medications, others do not. Most, even on medications need some kind of accommodations/therapies etc. to help learn how to do better socially and inter-personally. The high obsessions can be a good thing unless they trigger violence as it seems yours might (we have some of that with my son wanting to copy hockey fights--so he had to stop watching all hockey videos too, ugg it is hard to do that because there are such power struggles until he settles in). Kids with Asperger's often need a really different kind of parenting approach (as do many of our differently wired kids). Typical strategies can increase overall stress and behaviors and get us stuck in power struggle after power struggle. It is exhausting.

    Have you ever read "the Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? It gives another way to look at parenting and discipline. For me it really does make a difference. Of course there are still issues, nothing is a miracle, but this kind of parenting helped reduce stress in our home immensely.

    Glad you found us, and I agree sometimes just having a place to say what is going on can be a huge relief. So keep on checking in and venting as much as you need to. you have a lot on your plate!

    HUGS, Dee
     
  6. Amandria

    Amandria New Member

    Thank you all so very much for your support and kind words, I live In the North of England, even though I aint seen my ex in over 20 years, is it still clessed as abuse, even if hes still poisioning my three elder sons minds ? didnt look at it like this, I have 3 sons to my ex husband.. 26, 25 and 23 year old men now. all doing so well, Oldest has a Biology degree, the middle son is a musician, and my 3rd son is doing a unerversity course doing Tv and film making.. there dad aint done much for them, but to turn them all against me.. only the eldest takes notice and gets very annoyed, and our relationship is very strained.. sad really infact heartbreaking..
     
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Your ex sounds like mine. This is what I have had to do to keep my sanity. We (difficult child 1 and I) do not talk about x. I leave that up to the therapists. After x realized that he could fill difficult child 1's head with all sorts of ugly but it wasn't getting back to me he stopped. You see, he wasn't trying to change difficult child 1's mind. He was trying to hurt me. Of course things still come out about x and when they do we talk about them. The difference is that now it's things difficult child 1 wants to talk about. Its not the fantasy that x was trying to put in his head. After difficult child 1 turns 18 I expect a lot more will come out because then I'll be able to talk about it. Right now I can't tell difficult child 1 what the marriage was really like because of the weird courts here in the USA/Utah. Still, for my own sanity, it will have to be at pre-set times. I can't just randomly talk about what x did to me. I start shaking.

    Also, I have very rarely said anything bad about x to difficult child 1. I knew that difficult child 1 would figure out what x was like by himself. And, I was right.

    For your 15 year old, what testing is available in England? Here I'd take him to a neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician for some extensive testing. Dee had a very good suggestion about the book the Explosive Child.

    Good luck. I'm glad you have found us, but sorry you are going through so much.
     
  8. Amandria

    Amandria New Member

    Here In England we have a place to take children to be assessed and diagnosed, my 15 yr old was going through assessments for a year before his diagnosis, and now hes having councilling sessions each week, to help him control his ADHD.. there is lots of lovely support about, things got worse last night, because I banned my son from ever going on any violent games again in my home... obviously he was furious, and hit the hard tiled kitchen wall, he cried like a baby and locked him self in his room, i felt so sorry for him, yet in the long run, I know I did the best thing, because this gaming system is making my son very angry and hes stopped going out and doing things which 15 year old lads normally do.. so, im hoping things for him will get better in the long run, im just hoping his hand is ok, because he hasnt came out of his room since it happend last night, and refusing to go to school
     
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    He has to come out sometime for food and bathroom. Its hard doing what is best in the long run.
     
  10. Amandria

    Amandria New Member

    Things calmed down yesterday, and I thought he was finally accepting the fact that theres to be no more violent games palyed in our home.. but he started to really kick of again last night, he locked himself in his room, and disconnected our internet, things got very bad that we had to call the police out, they got him out of his room, and took his key of him, and threatend to arrest him if they had to be called out again.. this morning was a lot calmer, I woke him up for school, and tld him that this is a new day, and we dont wnat any trouble, i told him that eductaion is very important, and hes going to ruin things for himself if he dosnt sort himself out.. he went to school happy, so fingers crossed, that he will be ok after school... i am about to contact a few people today, and get him some extra help and support.. hopefully itl be onwards and upwards x but im just dreaming arnt I hahah at least today, i can recharge my batteries for the next big showdown EEEKKKSSS
     
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Good luck and enjoy the time he is in school. Its good he knows you'll call for help if he isn't safe.
     
  12. Amandria

    Amandria New Member

    Didnt last long, he asked for his game again, and yet again, I said NO, and he kept going on and on and on... in the end when he couldnt get his way again, he packed his things and ran of, i called the police, and they found him at his grandparents house, he stayed the night, and is coming home today.. i feel mentally exausted and so upset, also.. my 13 year old daughter is heading the same way, she is so full of anger, dont know why, because, im very placid and laid back, they get what they need, and sometimes at birthdays, i will buy them something special which they have really wanted, if i can afford to do that, i wouldnt say they are spoilt, but they are lucky kids, and i love them so much, always there for them, teaching them, guideing them, i just dont get why they are like this, is it just the ADHD ? my daughter was acting so vicious this morning, i was so upset, she had such a evil look in her eyes, this isnt the child ive brought up, i havnt brought her up with such anger and nastiness,, i feel upset ashamed angry... i felt like i wanted to grab hold of her and beat her, but i forsed myself to just sit quiet and egnor this nasty vicious behavier, im just finding it so hard today, these two kids are destroyng my life, i feel like running away
     
  13. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm sorry they and you are hurting. Has your daughter also been tested?
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion it sounds like more than ADHD. Has she ever seen a neuropsychologist?
     
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