Help for a stressed out mom

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Allama, Jun 3, 2009.

  1. Allama

    Allama New Member

    I've come on this site for a long time now and have always at least got some piece of mind knowing I wasn't the only one, and usually some really good advice too. So thanks for that. I've really appreciated it.

    My difficult child has been getting progressively worse for a long time now. These past few weeks he seems to have given up completely on even trying to be good. This week so far he has refused to do any school work, been separated at school for bothering other kids, ran away from school and had to be found by the principal and brought home, left our house before 6:30 am (has done this about 10 times in the past month), tore down two blinds in his room, busted out his window (then through the pieces out the window were there were kids on the sidewalk), threatened my life too many times to count and threatened to kill every one else in the house, threatened to kill himself, stole $120 from a family member, and spent half of almost every day in a tantrum.
    The tantrum's are what's getting me. Yesterday husband wasn't here, and difficult child spent about 2 hours smashing his head into the walls of his room and screaming at me.
    difficult child is going to live with bio mom in July. He hasn't lived with her since he was a baby. husband has been letting him get by with murder because he knows he won't see him as often, and he feels guilty that he feels relieved that he won't be putting up with him everyday. So he's not wanting to enforce any discipline on difficult child. He's not pushing school work (gffg failed this year, and we know it already) he's not giving any consequences for behavior either. After he broke the window then husband took the other kids for a walk to get ice cream and wanted to take difficult child. I stopped that one, but come on? Take a kid to get a cone after he breaks a window?
    I know difficult child has something other than his diagnosis. He's never gotten all the help he's needed. We've tried, but I don't think the therapist's and psychiatric's he's had have been up to the task. I wanted to write some of his behaviors and see what you guys think. I know you guys can't diagnose, but husband doesn't want to see how bad things are with him, and bio mom has no experience with kids or difficult child and doesn't know what in the world she's getting into.

    difficult child cries and screams whenever you ask him to do anything. I mean anything as in "hand me the butter" may set him into a tantrum.
    He threatens to hurt himself
    he threatens to hurt (and kill) everyone else
    He's mean to animals
    He's abusive to other kids when he thinks no one is looking
    He's very manipulative. Until someone knows him well, they think we are crazy, and that he seems so nice.
    He doesn't like to be touched. He will cry if you tickle him.
    He acts out sexually.
    He tears up everything. He can't have anything in his room. On easter I only put three toys in his basket, he had tore up all three within 20 minutes of getting them.
    He steals. Everything. He once stole $70 in ones that I had saved for vacation and ripped them all up and threw them in the toilet. He stole mine and husband's christmas bonus that we had cashed and we never found it. ($3,000)
    He pees on things, and wiped poop on the walls until about 6 months ago.
    He lies about anything. What he had for lunch, what clothes he has on.
    He gorges on food. If he gets up before us, he'll sometimes eat a whole box of his sister's cereal (even though he doesn't like it) or a whole box of cookies.
    He really seems to have no remorse about anything. He doesn't really act like he loves us at all. I know some of that is the attachment disorder, but he just has no emotions unless it's anger.
    Any advice you can give, I'm willing to listen to. It's taking me a long time to be able to write that all down and not be embarrassed. I'm past that, I just want help. I'm so stressed out lately that I feel like banging my head on the wall like difficult child.
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hello and Welcome! He has done quite a bit to only be 9yo. I don't know his diagnosis, but I think you need to start at a good Children's Hospital (outpatient) or somewhere that has experts and get complete neuropsychological testing done, then get a MDE (multi-discipline evaluation). Usually the neuropsychologist tests reveal enough, but the MDE gives a little reaasurance that one is on the right track and in my humble opinion, given all that you've been dealing with, I'd feel better having several professionals in different areas confer about this.

    If you aare comfortable enough to post the state you are in, there are usually members who can recommend a good place in the same region.

    Good luck- keep posting- there are a lot of good people here with support, wisdom, and understanding.
     
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Allama--

    Hello and welcome....

    I am so sorry to hear that you are living this nightmare at home. Sounds like you need to find some help and support FAST.

    Ideally, it would be nice to be able to get him in with a top-notch neuro-psychiatric and have a complete evaluation done and come up with a specific treatment plan.

    Less than ideal, but probably necessary....next time he is threatening, being violent, in a rage or otherwise acting out. Call police or get him to an emergency room. They should be able to place him in a psychiatric hospital for short-term stabilization and then recommend further assistance for you.

    Sending ((((hugs)))) and support.

    --DaisyF
     
  4. Allama

    Allama New Member

    Well I live in WV. Any kind of evaluations are almost completely out of the question. I agree that he needs one. I've never believed in the ADHD diagnoses. husband and bio mom would have to agree to it, and that's just not going to happen. She has never spent more than a few weeks with him, and most of the time she worked. She really is under the impression that we aren't disciplining him enough. I don't know how effective you guys have found discipline to be, but with us, it has not worked at all. We've tried a lot. It's never had an effect. He was on medications (concerta) for awhile, but there was no positive effects at all, so we stopped them. This woman is in for a rude awakening when he moves in with her and she doesn't know it. We've tried to explain, but again, she thinks it's just us doing a bad parenting job.
    I don't think I could call the police. I just don't think I could do it. Not for him being abusive to me anyway. He has been abusive to the younger kids before, and I've said never again at least 3 or 4 times.
    Also, he is leaving next month. It's just got to the point were even day to day interactions are painful. I can't even give this kid dinner without hours of screaming. I'm just stressed out. I feel like I can't deal with another day, and I feel that way every day, lol.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We learned from sad experience that there are three BIG symptoms of a child at risk or heading towards psychopathy. Sadly, I learned all about child psychopaths (kids without a conscience who often become adults without one).

    1/Peeing and pooping inappropriately

    2/cruelty to animals

    3/firesetting

    He's on his way to big trouble. I don't know what to tell you. Lately we've read about a lot of stepkids who seem to be heading in a dangerous direction and often it's the father (bio. parent) who is in big time denial. I agree that he needs a lot more than a therapist and whatever psychiatrist he is seeing. I would watch him carefully around the other children. He could be dangerous to both of them. (((Hugs)))
     
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