Help! I'm not a parent

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DogLuver, May 18, 2015.

  1. DogLuver

    DogLuver New Member

    I should begin by saying that my husband and I have no children and so I feel very out of my depth with a problem that has arisen in our otherwise peaceful life.

    I have a young woman, almost 19 in my life, whom i have known for 7 years. She recently asked me if she could live with my husband and me when things deteriorated between her and her brother (who has been parenting her since their mom died when she was 12). I reluctantly agreed to let her move in but explained to her that she would have to abide by our rules regarding curfews, priorities she set for herself and truthfulness. Above all, I told her before she moved in that if she lied to us, the deal was off and she'd have to leave.

    I was reluctant to have her move in because in the seven years I have known her, she has lied to me about many things big and small and I know this has been a problem between her and her brother. Over the years, I have tried to calmly and clearly explain to her the cost to her and the person she lies to but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I did agree though because I thought she was at an important turning point in her life and she was committed to changing and having a better life.

    The breaking of rules and priorities began the first week after she moved in 5 weeks ago. Last week was the first time that she was caught lying about many things. When I told her that I knew she lied, she became angry with me and it appears that all she feels is anger, no regret or remorse and no interest in discussing or working through this. We are at the point now where i have given her two months to find another place to live and an offer to help her find another place. My husband thinks that this is premature and that we should give her another chance but after years of this, I don't feel the same way and it is beginning to cause conflict in my marriage.

    Please, I don't know what is the right thing to do. I've seen what happens with my family and friends when they have problems with their young adult children, particularly when they set clear boundaries and then don't enforce them and yet I also care about her.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Well, you posted on the forum for people with children of minors, but I happened to see your post. You should have probably posted on Parent Emeritus...that is for young adults over 18 who are problematic.

    My own opinion is that I would not risk my marriage for this young woman who is selfish and unlikely to change. She isn't getting help. She isn't even respecting you, who made such a sacrifice for her. My guess is she may move on to stealing from you. Is she on drugs?

    It's your decision, but if it were me I'd put my marriage and my peace of mind first. You can always give her moral support from two different residences. She is old enough to work full time and get a place of her own, even if it is renting a room in somebody's house. Sounds like she is lacking in the empathy department, which is always a problem because they don't care if they lie or steal or cheat or break the law...they do what they want to do and it's always everybody else's fault...I'd get out while I could.
  3. DogLuver

    DogLuver New Member

    Thank you so much for the feedback. I don't know what is normal behavior for a 19yo and therefore what to expect. That said though, focusing on my marriage and well-being should be my priority. I lost sight of that, so thank you for reminding me.

    Next time I will post on Parent Emeritus, should I need to post again. :)
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sure. Take of yourself first. This young woman is of age and she is acting like she could maybe take advantage of you in a very bad way.
  5. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I agree with SWOT. Your marriage is the priority here.
  6. DogLuver

    DogLuver New Member

    Thank you, thank you, thank you all SO much for your advice and support. I realized only when I received your support how much I needed it and how much it helps.
  7. JackBeNimble

    JackBeNimble New Member

    The problem with letting someone live with you is getting them to leave. If they don't want to leave then you have to give them a written notice like you would a renter. She could end up staying for months and if you force her out of your house you can be arrested. At this point she has as much legal right to staying in your house as you do. I would get her to agree with renting an apartment and tell her you will help her with the rent. Explain to her she that she could get a taste of her own independence. You may have difficulty getting a lease if she doesn't have a job but in no way should you ever think about co-signing the lease. Understand that she is a nineteen year old and she's not a child. My brother just went through the same thing and he ended up having to move just to get rid of his 40 year old daughter who decided she didn't like working for a living. I warned him not to let her move in with him and his girlfriend but he did it anyway and then he went through the hell of trying to get her out. It got to the point where the girlfriend said she wasn't putting up with her anymore and if his daughter didn't leave that she would leave. He soon found out that it wasn't that easy to get her out. He ended up getting another place without her knowledge and while his daughter was out one day he moved. He put her stuff in temporary storage and told her she had thirty days to pick it up. It was an unfortunate and avoidable situation but being nice isn't always the best option. Good Luck.
  8. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I also wish you the best and do work on your marriage and you first. You can find other resources for her and give her that information as well. Do what you need to for you, you sound like a wonderful person. Good luck to you
  9. DogLuver

    DogLuver New Member

    Jack, thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your personal experience. I wished I'd posted this before I let her move in. Lesson learned. My fingers are crossed. Best of luck to your brother.
  10. DogLuver

    DogLuver New Member

    Confused, thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate the support. I too wish you much luck and above all a peaceful journey with your children, your dogs, turtles and fish.
  11. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Your welcome DogLuver and I hope your having a good day today.