Help please - 8 yr old bipolar

[BusynMember]

The 11 year old boy we adopted sexually abused my two younger kids. I thought Ann was an only child. Since she isn't, it is my own personal opinion that she be institutionalized before he abuses your younger kids. And, no, the kids don't tell you if there is a knife to their throat and a threat that she will kill everyone, including herself, by burning the house down if anyone tells. Do it before we did otherwise your other two children will be destroyed.

Actually, girls are more apt to cry false sexual abuse charges against, say, your husband. That way you could lose all your kids as CPS takes any sexual abuse charge very seriously, even one that is bogus by a kid who lies. I know parents who this has happened to.

This is not a child who is going to get better. You can call her, visit her, bring her treats...frankly I'm not sure I'd want her home for overnight visits unless there were cameras in every room and an alarm to keep her in HER room at night.

We let the 11 year old go because we refused to let him destroy the lives of our other two children...he had already done so much to harm them and they were in therapy for years after he left. The truth about his abuse,w hich was far more than one sexual incident, did not come out until after he was gone and my kids were certain he would never be back. They were terrified of him. My daughter is now 13 and he left when she was five and she still cries whenever his name comes up (which is not often).

Parent him from afar. This child does not understand right from wrong, social norms, and is acting out on your son (grabbing his testicles is all you KNOW about...he may have done worse...kids tend to be ashamed and don't talk about it).

I would trump husband this time and say, "Well, you can raise her, but it won't be in this house."

(((Hugs))) Good luck, whatever you decide. I lived your nightmare and am just glad it's over. In our case, we chose not to see the boy again since my kids were so terrified of him and he had sexually abused them badly. Actually, we grew so afraid of him that we didn't even want him to know where we live so we moved. I hear he is now over six foot tall, out on the streets, and possibly he is thinking of ways to punish us. Shudder. I'm glad we are unlisted and he was taken to another state.

 

[DDD]

Men who have caring hearts often don't "get" the severity of the problems at home and seem to be less aware of the future ramifications of having a dysfunctional child in the home and impacting the other children. It makes
it especially difficult for the Mom because the caring heart is/was part of the man that made him appealing in the first place. What a delimma.

I divorced my first husband because he wanted to "send away" our difficult child so we could all be happy again. Problem was...difficult child was not at all a danger to anyone. She was just a pain in the fanny who had to be watched 24/7 because she made such poor ADHD impulsive decisions and
rarely slept! That was not a man with a caring heart.

My suggestion to you is (1) trust yourself and the knowledge you have (2) accept that you have given your all to this child and the behaviors remain (3) the experts have analyzed the situation and believe institutionalization
is the correct answer...they are not emotionally involved and would not make that recommendation lightly and (4) accept the fact that she has already impacted the other two children and it likely will take years for them to feel comfortable and secure again. (5) put the ball in his court
and be prepared to separate to expedite action...most importantly...do not feel guilty. You have given your all for two years. The child has probably gotten some advantage from her time with you.

Sending prayers and hugs your way. DDD

 

[timer lady]

Wen, I'm not surprised by husband's reaction to the steak knife incident. Generally in an adoptive situation it's the adoptive mom who receives the anger, the abuse & threats.

husband gets home & life is sweet.

wm is living in another situation because by law we were putting kt at risk having wm live here. To protect her we had to have wm placed permanently outside the home.

We have weekly visits; phone calls several times a week, etc. Foster parents & I have become family. We are essentially a family of different addresses. The twins have had this term pounded into their heads & wm can see the family acknowledgment all thru the year. We gift back & forth - sit & chat, etc.

This decision brought husband & I to our knees crying tears of blood. It's not easy separating twins (tho they shouldn't have been placed together to begin with); however we had to protect the family - kt in particular.

I'm crying for you - have stood in the exact same position you're sitting in. My husband determined to make this work - me exhausted & handling everything none of it working safely.

Keeps us updated please. You are not alone in this...please know this.

 

[rlsnights]

I think it was entirely appropriate for you to make it very clear to your husband where you stand on this. While I am sympathetic with his discomfort I too would come down on the side of separating rather than risk my own and my other children's lives/well-being. If you had described the incident with the steak knife before I would not have pulled my punches with my earlier posts. I would have said - she needs to be out of your house now.

If he is still resisting after reading our replies and hearing your concerns, I would take your other children out of school and go on a week long trip or just go stay in a motel. But you need to be out of touch for that time - as much as possible.

Tell him you want him to walk a week in your shoes and take the time off and care for Ann personally. There's nothing like direct, 24/7 experience with a problem to gain a new appreciation for the problem. If he "can't" do so then I would still leave and let him deal with the problem of finding other caregivers for her. No doubt those people will refuse to care for her very quickly. Maybe he needs that external validation of your experiences. I don't know.

If he objects you could say he needs to realize this is a dry run of what life will be like if you actually separate. Because you will leave if that's what it takes.

If he still refuses to find an out of home placement for Ann after caring for her for a week then I would send the other kids to live somewhere else temporarily starting today. Let all the professionals you are working with know that you are separating from your husband due to your concerns for the safety of your other children and yourself. Tell them that your husband will now be solely responsible for Ann's care. It's very important that you communicate your reasons for leaving to these people and I would do it both by phone and e-mail or snail mail.

Many hugs - hope your husband is able to come to grips with the danger this child represents and accepts the need to get her out of your home quickly.

 

[Marguerite]

rlsnights, that was what I was about to say!

Seriously - it won't be quite the same because you will have the other children out of there, but otherwise he needs to take time off work for a week to be her sole carer.

Your husband wants you both to commit to Ann, especially given the ghastly start she's had in life. This is very loving of him and very commendable. But unless he really knows for sure just how much of an investment this is for ALL of you, then it is no sacrifice at all.

That is why, if he really wants you to keep Ann with you, HE needs to take a solid turn at the task so he has a better idea of what is needed.

Whether you stay in touch over the phone or not - that is up to you. It could help him to debrief at the end of every day, to discuss what they did and what he observed. Encourage him to keep a diary - remember, the purpose of this is to help him understand the broader picture, it is not for you to make him see things you way. He may discover something that could help. He may see something you have missed. Or he may not. But the point here is - whatever decision you make for ann, you make that decision together, with each of you individually having personal understanding of exactly what is involved. You also, BOTH of you, need to look into exactly what the alternatives are. Therapeutic foster care, for example, is something husband needs to look into as well. I can hear myself in his cry, "Who will hug her each day?"

I had to go back to work after my first child was born. I had to place her in long day care when she was 12 weeks old. I also cried to myself, "Who will cuddle her when she needs comforting?"
I asked them that question, but by the time I saw the child care centre in action I knew I didn't need to worry - I watched them pick up the babies for a cuddle, I watched them play with the babies, I watched them encourage the toddlers as they learned to walk - of course I may not have been there for her first steps, but for me, those first steps were the ones I saw.

I had to go to the place to find out. I asked questions. And I did try the alternative - takin g the baby to work instead - for two weeks. It did not work out, it would not have been as good for her as the child care centre was. I was a better parent for it, she was a well-rounded and highly stimulated (and loved) child. We saw a lot of one another because I spent my break time with the baby at the centre. I was able to continue breast-feeding.

The thing is, if Ann is your child in your hearts, this needn't be seen as a pushing away step. But all such decisions need to be fuly informed.

If husband wants to have such a strong say in the decision, he needs to really understand as much of what he is asking of you, as possible.

If he can't take the time off work, then he has to accept that you may be a better authority than him in this.

Marg

 

[wen]

You know, I have never asked for help like this before. I am so strong and independent... And, then for the 1st time, I put my pride down and asked for help - help to be better at facing all of this, help to be strong again, help to be the love and glue of our family. I have prayed and prayed for help, and now it seems like God is sending his help through each one of you that have responded to me. I am teary-eyed because I have been alone for so long. I am so grateful for each suggestion, hug, advice, encouraging word, etc. Thank you.

Today, I made my hubby get up with her and keep her the entire day. I tried to really stay away with my son and daughter. We aren't talking too much at this point, and in 24 hours, our marriage seems like it has gone in a direction that I never thought possible.

Tonight, I will have him read the responses since last night. Please pray that his eyes are opened and he can understand that in order to help Ann, we need to get more help.

I gave him an analogy last night... My son has had a couple of issues with writing paragraphs at school. I have shown him how to do this, but he still is a struggling a bit. (He is extremely smart, just having a small issue.) I am having one of my friends that tutor English help him with this. It is not because I don't love him, it's because I want to help him succeed. I compared the analogy to Ann. I said, "It's not that I am giving up or not loving Ann by saying she needs more help - it's that I love her so much to say maybe something else can help."

I never want him to make this choice because I "made" him do this. I want him to see that Ann could use the help, and if it even teaches her one thing, then it would be a success. If she can learn how to function without hurting herself or others, it would be a blessing. I am not asking for perfection, just for help.

 

[Marguerite]

I think you are very wise to be helping husband find his own way in this. Whatever decisions are made, you each need to own the decision and make it with full understanding of the a as well as the range of possible outcomes. You each need to know what you are asking of each other as well as yourselves and you need to make the decisions understanding your own motives and reasons as well as each other's.

From your descriptions of Ann, I think her current needs are beyond your scope, within your current family environment. But that doesn't mean you're giving up on her, it just means you're reaching out for a wider scope of help and more resources.

A phrase that parents here have used - "sometimes we need to be a family with different addresses."

Sometimes you have a choice in the matter and sometimes you don't. It's always best when you can act with choice.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Are your children also husband's biological kids?

 

[DDD]

Many of us, like you, have always been strong and very independent. Personally I think that may be a factor in the situation you and your husband are facing. It's possible that you may be having difficulty accepting that you all can not do what you thought you could do. Perhaps your husband is not
prepared to accept "failure" for the first time in his life. I
can relate. Even with my non-violent dysfunctional difficult child I
heard many times "if you can't get that pretty girl squared away nobody can". I couldn't. I tried everything. I gave up my financial security, my sleep, my social life and a bunch of time that I could have spent with my other two children. Even though I know better..I still hate to accept
the fact that I couldn't fix it. Maybe husband feels like that. DDD

 

[Calista]

I did foster care and adoption as a social worker for 7 years. I was also a parent trainer and home developer.

Let me start by telling you the same thing that I have told 100s of families. Do NOT risk your own children for the sake of someone else's child without careful prayer and consideration. That was always in my initial orientation session. That would weed out about 1/2 of my audience. The second night of orientation would be the reality check portion of my "are you suree about this?" speech. That is the portion where I say these kids don't just need love and a home. There will be time off work for phone calls from schools, psychiatric appointments, etc.... That would weed out another 1/4 of my initial group.

Your difficult child sounds very much like many of the children that I placed in foster care but very rarely for adoption. The prognosis is not great for her future but if it is going to be positive at all you will need a great deal of support. Many of the adoption and foster care agencies in Texas offer support for all kinds of adoptive families, even if the process didn't take place an a particular agency. I would start there.

Also, your school district should offer in home training. Take it. Use it as often as they offer it. A child's behaviors at home are often quite different from their behavior's at school. There is an education zone on this site that can help you with school issues.

These ideas are free or low cost. Depending on your insurance there are many other options out there for treatment. There is a place in Texas called Meridell. They do deep tissue EEG and go from there. It's expensive if you dont have insurance. People come from all over the country to have their kids treated there. They saved my difficult child.

Good luck and God bless. Pray. God has an amazing way of providing just who and what you need exactly when you need it.