Hi Miche,
You have gotten a lot of terrific guidance. I want to also encourage you reading the books by Ross Green and Dr. Riley regarding the parenting of explosive children. Very insightful. I would also agree that it sounds like A LOT more is happening with your child than ADHD. That was BOTH of my kids first diagnoses when I realized, Hey, somethings just not right here.
I am a yeller too and have blown my stack a number of times. Thing is, I dont feel better. I feel worse, if I lose it. If your difficult child needs to be in control, perhaps you can develop a few strategies that give her the illusion of being in control. It doesnt have to be big decisions, but simply giving her a choice over what she wears or a snack. Also, she may have the need to be in control because she feels so out of control. Being a controller myself, that is one way that we cope.
I have found that my sense of humor (of which is really big) has been my best coping mechanism. However, it is key that I remain calm. If shes out of control, all the more important that you MUST remain under control. I understand what a challenge that can be when theyre screaming in your face, No. The temptation to scream back is overwhelming, but this is when it is most important for you to stay calm. If you need to scream, go somewhere private and scream into a pillow.
I would also second having her tested by a neuropsychologist. I got some recommendations from a pediatric neurologist when I took Son to be scheduled for a MRI. It should be comprehensive and take a few days. Sons testing took over ten hours and we had to do it over three days because it was so grueling for him. But, it did reveal some answers that helped me understand him a bit more. However, for me, it also left some questions. Ive come to accept those questions most likely will never have concrete answers. I come from the perspective that our kids usually need to be examined from many medical points of view. Yet, YOU ultimately decide the course of action because you live with your Daughter. About pediatricians, they are in way over their heads with our explosive kids. They are good for general healthcare. When I spoke with Sons pediatrician about seeing a Neurologist and a neuropsychologist he was very dismissive and thought it was not necessary. I disagreed and did what I thought well.
As for your husband, try to get on the same page and have the kids see you both as a parental unit. husband and I have had our struggles doing this because husband is gone a lot working and I have to deal with most of the difficult child issues. We have gotten much better and the kids know they cannot divide and conquer.
I will say this: all the consequences in the world will not be helpful if your Daughter doesnt connect the dots. Make sure you make it clear that when she does A, B will happen. That has been a real challenge with Son. If she does A, make sure you follow through with B! A mistake I did with Daughter, was attempt to give consequences while she was in a rage to make the rage stop. It didnt work and most of the time, because she was in such a state, it made it worse. To compound everything, she didnt even remember the rage when she was done.
As far as giving your daughter away, if I had a dollar for every time I wanted to kick one, or both, of my difficult children to the curb, it would satisfy the national debt. These kids bring us to our knees and sometimes we are so desperate for relief, that we just want them gone. I understand that completely. Plus, you have a 3 year old and an infant! That alone is exhausting without having a difficult child. Do you have any means of respite? Even if its a walk or a bubble bath? Try to find ways to give yourself little breaks and treats. Any nearby family willing to help in that regard?
Try and take it one day and sometimes even one minute at a time. Staying in the moment has helped me tremendously.