Terry-overwhelmed
New Member
Hi everyone,
I am new to this site and this is my first post. I am writing because I want to know when do you stop helping your adult child? It is painful to help and more painful not to help. My son will be 40 in a few months and I have been bailing him out of situations most of his adult life. He has 4 children. One from his first relationship and 3 from his second relationship. 5 1/2 years ago, I received custody of his 3 children due to their mothers drug addiction. They were 2,4 and 5 years old at the time. Their father, my son and their mother broke up 5 years ago. The children would have been in foster care had I not taken them in. Their dad seems unable to hold down a job longer than a few months. Partly because he has back problems and has had two back operations. He does not live with us which includes his kids, his step dad, and myself. He went to jail for 2 years when I first got the children from an incident that happened while he and their mother were still a couple. Taking care of my grandchildren has put a strain on my marriage also. My husband and I are retired and had plans to enjoy our golden years. I didn’t mind taking in my grandkids with the hope that my son would get his life straightened out. He has been out of jail 3 years now and nothing has improved. He says no one is going to hire a felon. He lives with his biological father and his father is getting rid of his apartment and my son has to move out with no where to go. He will be homeless. This is killing me because he cannot move in with me. My husband says we already have 3 dependents, we do not need a 4th. I give him money for food sometimes and am drained from always worrying about him in addition to taking care of his 3 children. When he got out of jail, I helped him straightened out his drivers license, get a car and insurance. I wanted him to start with a fresh slate He does not have a car now because he didnt have money for insurance. I have rules and schedules for my grandkids. My son is more lax and tries to be their friend and not the parent. He thinks nothing of letting them stay up late and eating tons of sweets, etc when they go to his house for an occasional weekend. My husband and I are always the bad guys because we set the rules. Its not easy sometimes. The youngest was just diagnosed with ADHD and can be a handful at times. My son is always making excuses for his life. Shouldn’t he be more concerned with doing the right thing to get his kids back?. I ask him if he is doing any drugs because he always seems tired and depressed. He tells me no that he has nothing to be happy about. He says he is always in pain. He doesn’t go to the doctor because he has no medical insurance and was denied. Right now I am so stressed about this sudden turn of events. He will be homeless soon and it breaks my heart. I know this post is long but there is so much to convey. I haven’t even scratched the surface of the things I helped my son with over the years. I have two other adult children who are productive, responsible adults, thank god! They are tired of bailing out a brother who never seems to learn.
I just want a life that is less stressful.
Thanks for any feedback, very much appreciated. As a mother, it is hard not to want to help your child. I know because I am living this nightmare. I take one day at a time because thinking beyond that is too too stressful for me
I am new to this site and this is my first post. I am writing because I want to know when do you stop helping your adult child? It is painful to help and more painful not to help. My son will be 40 in a few months and I have been bailing him out of situations most of his adult life. He has 4 children. One from his first relationship and 3 from his second relationship. 5 1/2 years ago, I received custody of his 3 children due to their mothers drug addiction. They were 2,4 and 5 years old at the time. Their father, my son and their mother broke up 5 years ago. The children would have been in foster care had I not taken them in. Their dad seems unable to hold down a job longer than a few months. Partly because he has back problems and has had two back operations. He does not live with us which includes his kids, his step dad, and myself. He went to jail for 2 years when I first got the children from an incident that happened while he and their mother were still a couple. Taking care of my grandchildren has put a strain on my marriage also. My husband and I are retired and had plans to enjoy our golden years. I didn’t mind taking in my grandkids with the hope that my son would get his life straightened out. He has been out of jail 3 years now and nothing has improved. He says no one is going to hire a felon. He lives with his biological father and his father is getting rid of his apartment and my son has to move out with no where to go. He will be homeless. This is killing me because he cannot move in with me. My husband says we already have 3 dependents, we do not need a 4th. I give him money for food sometimes and am drained from always worrying about him in addition to taking care of his 3 children. When he got out of jail, I helped him straightened out his drivers license, get a car and insurance. I wanted him to start with a fresh slate He does not have a car now because he didnt have money for insurance. I have rules and schedules for my grandkids. My son is more lax and tries to be their friend and not the parent. He thinks nothing of letting them stay up late and eating tons of sweets, etc when they go to his house for an occasional weekend. My husband and I are always the bad guys because we set the rules. Its not easy sometimes. The youngest was just diagnosed with ADHD and can be a handful at times. My son is always making excuses for his life. Shouldn’t he be more concerned with doing the right thing to get his kids back?. I ask him if he is doing any drugs because he always seems tired and depressed. He tells me no that he has nothing to be happy about. He says he is always in pain. He doesn’t go to the doctor because he has no medical insurance and was denied. Right now I am so stressed about this sudden turn of events. He will be homeless soon and it breaks my heart. I know this post is long but there is so much to convey. I haven’t even scratched the surface of the things I helped my son with over the years. I have two other adult children who are productive, responsible adults, thank god! They are tired of bailing out a brother who never seems to learn.
I just want a life that is less stressful.
Thanks for any feedback, very much appreciated. As a mother, it is hard not to want to help your child. I know because I am living this nightmare. I take one day at a time because thinking beyond that is too too stressful for me