He's being squirrelly

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ugh.... I do not have a good feeling about this. So my son got out his 30 day residential program. He sounded good when he left. Was going to start the IOP last Monday..... Thought the therapist he was working there was great etc etc. She helped him find this sober living and so we set him up there.

    Well he didn't go that first Monday..... Seemed honest about why, told us he had a sponser and sounded good. Then he didn't go Wednesday. I texted him and asked him if he went and I got this total response about how all these people were on his back, that he was doing ok, but there was more to life than IOP and therapy and that he would be going Friday. At some point I commented that we would only help him financially if he was going to the IOP. So of course Friday came and went and he didn't go!!!! Arghhh. He always does this... He gets so far and makes progress in therapy and then runs from it. So we have cut off funds and I have not heard from him since Wednesday and probably won't hear from him until he wants money. I hope at some point the therapist will call him, or he will call there but at this point it seems like he is going down a squirrel hole and it is not good.

    I am trying to prepare myself for detaching more and letting him stumble, fall, be homeless if necessary and hopefully find his way. I hope he finds his way sooner rather than later but right now I am not feeling too hopeful. Once again we shall see.

  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, we always prefer "sooner" over "later". For very valid reasons.

    But... we can't choose for them (unfortunately, it doesn't work). They have to figure this out.

    Sending hugs. And a cyber coupon for a nice hot bubble bath, followed by a cup of premium peppermint tea.
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So sorry to hear this. I assume you were paying for his sober living?

    My son is in sober living/IOP in Florida (far far away from us) and he got me so upset last night that I have two HUGE cold sores on my lip today. Started with one and now there are twins. Have spent all day rubbing balm on my lip for fear it will take over my whole face when it totally erupts! He just feels it's a waste of time and he should be in school (DUH) but he screwed that up. He ruined my "fantasy" I guess.

    I am there too. Afraid to get too far ahead of anything and be happy. Push it out of my mind; what else can we do.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LOL..... I tend to get cold sores too.... Although right now I am having stomach aches instead. But for the cold sores... The best thing is some prescription acyclovir.... Works great on drying them up quickly and keeping them from spreading. There is a new thing too... That I got recently from my dermatologist that works fast.

    I have been through this so many times with my son.....and he slowly seems to be getting it but then he gets squirrelly like this which shows that maybe he is not or getting ready to relapse. Yes we are paying for this sober house.... And I paid for them to make meals too.... So I know at least for now he has a place to sleep and food to eat and if he screws it up he will be on the street.

    It is hard hard hard..... And yet all we can do is take care of ourselves.
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  5. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I love the description of how he goes squirly.... This is exactly how I would describe my son!

    I hear you!!!! I am feeling so "ugh" too! I want to post on Facebook a big "ugh".... I am seriously considering giving it up, since everyone on there has kids who are getting scholarships and travelling on exciting trips with their degrees.... Blah!!!

    I come here instead. It helps to see I'm not the only one.... Except I don't get cold sores.... I get the shits!!!!! Seriously.... I'm ready to just wear depends.....

    I'm in a school and it's so embarrassing.......

    I told a few of my senior girls today " children are highly overrated.... Get your degree and travel instead"

    What a terrible guidance counsellor! Haha!
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  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Hahaha! I got censored!!!!!!

    I love it!!!
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I can only guess how hard this is on you. I am sending a hug and hope.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2016
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well I couldn't help myself.... I did send him a message that I hoped he went back to the IOP.... That I didn't know what was going on but that he seemed to be avoiding something and that doesn't serve him.... And that I love him and am concerned. Haven't gotten a response and probably won't... But at least least he knows I am noticing what he is doing.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    May I be blunt?

    This is pretty much the progression with every one of my sister's relapses (and there are more than I can count. At this point she is in prison)

    At 1st it is all positive. "I'm in treatment, I'm going to do it this time, I'm tired of living this way." Basically, all the stuff she knows I want to hear.

    Then the goals, "I'm going to get a job, pay off my fines, take that parenting class, get to know the kids."

    Then the complaints, "I hate taking the bus to the clinic every day, I hate the social worker that runs the group, I'm tired of the group, it's the same thing every day."

    Then the excuses, "I didn't feel good, It was too cold out, I missed the bus, I can't do this and get a job."

    Then the relapse.

    I haven't given any financial support (other than some clothes and food and a few nights in a fleabag motel when we had code blue temperatures) in 4 years.

    I am at the point, now, where I almost have a speech. When the complaining starts I say, "You have to decide what is right for you. Remember, we will not even talk about you seeing the kids (I am raising her kids) until you have had a year of sobriety under your belt.

    She knows to never ask for money. Actually, she knows not to ask for anything.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Can I have one too, please? :rolleyes:
    TL, this is really the hard stuff.
    Necessary, but hard.
    You are strong and seeing things clearly.
    Oh how I wish it were different for us.
    But, here we are. Holding you in my thoughts and heart.
    I am reminded of that old commercial with the woman relaxing in the tub and her child calls her....."Moooooooom!"
    and she says

    "Not right now, I am in Machu Picchu........
    Can we just all go to Machu Picchu?


  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Sisters Keeper.....you describe the process of relapse exactly..... That is why I am worried because it seems like this is the start of the process for him. I am hoping somehow he will get on track before he actually relapses but that is up to him.

    And Leafy.... Yes I am ready to go to Machu Picchu....... Actually my husband and I have a trip planned to Norway this summer. My husband has a business trip to where my son is in May and has been talking about us going out there.... I am not feeling it though so at this point I am not going to go unless I see a really good reason to. My husband can see him briefly while he is there but I don't think I want to go unless my son is really on track.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TL, please keep the hope. Why? He is starting to think about quittng. Quitting is hard so there are relapses before it is finally done. But quitting is on his radar now, which can be the beginning of possibly doing it. And until he actually relspses, all is not lost this time either.
    I dont want you feel hopeless. My daughter quit after at least three relapses. Each one broke my heart, but each one, at least to her, seemed to make her more determined to do it eventually. She did. Your son can.
    Hugs and dont give up. Quitting is a personal process. Meanwhile, he is way ahead...he has an informed and endlessly loving mother. And he knows it.
    Have a good day. Do dedicate today to YOU. Big hugs and good vibes.
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  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I get the shits too! Luckily I can "go" whenever I want but if you are in a classroom. UGH.

    The latest is my cold sores. Oh today when I woke up the whole left side of my upper lip is one big cold sore. Now I have triplets.

    They aren't huge and swollen due to me putting lots of salve on them but they are going to be around for a while!
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    RN talk to a dermatologist about those cold sores... There really is good stuff to take for them. We visited Australia and I got some and they have some great over the counter stuff.... That you can't get here without a prescription. So really better stuff than the salve you put on them.

    And Somewhere - thank you for reminding me to be hopeful. He has relapsed so many times (way more than 3) but you are right he gets a bit closer to quitting each time and my hope is this time he actually gets support before he actually drinks. We shall see. I am having a good day for me today.
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  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TL, I say three, but she wasn't in rehab and claimed to have quit infinite amounts of time. She may have quit ten times before she finally did it. Sadly (and well I remember) it is a process and relapse is part of the path, BUT it is not the end of his story. He has quitting on his mind or he wouldn't try at all.

    Crossing fingers, toes, eyes for your dear son. He is making progress, albeit slower than you like. But...it is always slower than we like. Your son is still incredibly young.

    Treat yourself to something great, like a huge chocolate sundae today ;) You earned some sort of great treat!
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter and I recently had a conversation about relapses. She told me that she can "white-knuckle" it for a period of time and starts doing well. So she starts to think that she can have just one drink and it will be okay. It is for a little while so then she thinks she can handle two and so on and eventually ends up completely relapsing.

    I asked her why she would think that when it always goes south on her. I told her that if it was me I would never want to take another drink knowing where it would end up. Her answer was that she doesn't think like the rest of us . . . which is why she is an addict and I am not.

    It actually makes a lot of sense from her skewed perspective.

    TL, this has been going on for a very long time for you. Maybe it is time for you to truly stop helping him and let him experience the long-term consequences. So far, he knows he can always count on you to step in and rescue him when he hits the bottom.

    Trust me, I know how hard that is to do for a parent.


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  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There are quite a few clean addicts in our circle of friends. I have noticed that there is a portion of them that still has the addict mindset. The way they stay clean is to become addicted to a healthy activity. For example, one volunteers with multiple seniors organizations, which keeps this person busy most evenings and weekends - instead of being lonely and ending up in the bar. Some get addicted to religion. Or sports/fitness. They still don't think "straight" - but at least they are functioning.
  19. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    TL, sorry for the chaos. Boy, are our kids hard on us! ((((Big hugs)))) to you!!!

    I can't tell you how often I'm in another country mentally. Every time I hear someone whine or be negative and I can't get away from it, I start mentally packing my bags for France or Scotland or whatever country I'm interested in that week. I don't dare think about any place in the Northern Hemisphere because I just might do it!
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IC. Never anything negative about doing good, no? Im glad they found a better life and are helping others rather than harming themselves. Kudos!