hi, my name is Sondar

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sondar, Oct 4, 2007.

  1. Sondar

    Sondar New Member

    Hi, long-time lurker who wants to come out and be supportive of those who are especially struggling right now. We made it through the teen years alive with difficult child and although we have times of sheer pain over him, we cope and sometimes thrive. It does take practice, and unfortunately difficult child is close to turning "pro" so we have a lot of practice under our belt.

    No way can I give the whole history, that's for a book (ha!), but for now I wanted to tell you this ...

    In January 07 husband and I went on a mission trip to Dominican Republic. When we returned we had been robbed, jewelry and tools mostly, and our difficult child was the culprit. A former friend of his called to tell us our stuff had been taken to local pawn shops and that difficult child was using heroin. We had just spent Christmas with him, and he was very sick but I thought he had a cold, no clue about heroin!

    We pressed charges, after spending 2 days in limbo/shock, he admitted to it and was arrested. He has been in a county jail ever since.

    Fast-forward, in June we asked the prosecution to send him to in-patient drug rehab, which they agreed to, but he ended up with a felony for theft over $300.

    Here's the kicker ... in December he had been arrested with his roommate in another county for trafficking. Marijuana ... within 1000 yards of a school. At the time I thought I was helping him by bailing him out. Really it was for me, I didn't want him in jail for Christmas. So he came "home" with us through the holidays, then we left for our trip. You know the rest.

    Our charge in our county resulted in 5 years probation and he has to successfully complete drug treatment in a large city in our state. They have a bed waiting for him.

    The original trafficking charge resulted in a jury trial, where he was found guilty and recommended one year. The judge passes final sentencing Oct 15, and we are hoping it is a "time served" sentence. He is in that county jail now, so he has been in a county jail continuously since February.

    I could kick myself because if I hadn't bailed him out in December he wouldn't have stolen from us in January! Oh well ... not really, all things considered we are so glad we found out about heroin and that he will eventually get treatment.

    My difficult child is the kind of kid who has always gotten in trouble wherever he went. He is funny, smart, and deviant.

    Anyway, I hope to get to know you all better and contribute in some small way so that something good comes out of our experiences.
  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Hi Sondar and welcome to our corner of the cyber world.

    It's a great forum with lots of great people.

    I'm sorry about your son. I certainly hope he gets that second chance at a rehab in a couple of weeks.

    Painful isn't it? *sigh*

    Again welcome.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello and welcome. I do hope that your son gets time served so he can go to the rehab. Perhaps a letter to the judge? As both his parent and his victim your wishes might well be considered.
  4. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I would write a letter to the prosecuting attorney. Typically if the prosecuting attorney is on your side, they will make recommendations to the judge. I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but if we contact a judge directly in ours, the case can be declared a mistrial and tried again.

    I hope he gets help he needs. (((hugs))) and welcome to the board.
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi sonder, welcome.

    My son stole computer equipment for his Meth habit from my husband's work, while employed. Since my husband was named one of the "victims" in the charges, we got some sayso on what happend with my oldest difficult child. Which is why we wanted him to be sent to a lock down drug rehab facility vs a walkout physch facility. Because if he walked out of the phsych facility he would have been immediately put in regular prison with no rehab program.

    Anyway, just my experience that if you are named a "victim" you can work with the DA's office to help determine consequences.

    Glad you found us, or came out of "lurk mode".

  6. Sondar

    Sondar New Member

    Actually he will go to rehab from our January burglary charge, that is already decided, and we worked with a victims advocate. The hang-up is the December trafficking charge. He was found guilty last month by a jury and is waiting for final sentencing from the judge (Oct 15th).

    We have written a letter to her and feel fairly positive that she will let him move on. He has to report to probation in the new city and he will be about 100 miles out of our area, a very good thing due to his cadre of friends.

    Not sure how this will all be bundled together, but he will be on probation for a while. He is 24 but maturity-wise I'd say about 15.

    Thanks for the warm welcome, fellow warrior parents.
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Just wanted to add my welcome from lurker mode....We have similar stories.....hoping your next chapter goes better than mine has been going.....
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! Glad you introduced yourself.

    I look forward to getting to know you.

  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    welcome and thanks for your story. my son is 24 as well. sigh. and double sigh. I no longer get involved with his problems other than a ride to court if he needs one, or food if he is hungry.

    It is just plain sad anymore where his life is leading. frustrating to have tried it all to stop the locomotive that is the train wreck of his life. but glad I at least tried.
  10. Sondar

    Sondar New Member

    that's pretty much where we're at ... after all the interventions, the schools, the specialists, the discipline, the love ... THIS is the result? Hard to believe some days.

    after the burglary at our home he basically forced us to file charges against him, the thing he knew would break my heart. He even told the friend who ended up calling us and telling us the stuff was at pawn shops, that his parents would never press charges.

    I just hope I can look back, when he's 30, and say what we did made a difference.

    Thanks again for the welcome and the commiserations.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I thought I had already posted a hello but don't see it. Lately
    I have clicking the wrong button.......hmmmmmmmm......stress buildup perhaps??

    Sadly I understand most of what you are experiencing. It is so
    hard to "lead a life" when those complex issues seem to determine
    the present, bode ominously for the future and erase alot of the
    joyful memories of the past.
    Hugs. DDD
  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Your story is so familiar to mine. My son also stole all my jewelry and pawned it. He was 17 at the time and had a friend do the actual pawning---the friend got a pack of cigarettes and 10 days in county for the favor. difficult child was sent to treatment. He came home and went back to his posse of loser and was arrested for forgery. He tried to cash a check a friend had stolen from his grandfather and written out. HE is currently serving probation after spending 30 days in county lockup. For the past 6 months things have been fairly quiet---but as you know the lull rarely lasts with these kids.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Boy dont all our stories sound eerily familiar?

    Was it something in the water we all drank back then?

    Welcome out of lurker mode. We can all support each other while we wait to see what happens to these bad boys in the court system. Mine is slowly going through rounds now and I could be happy as a bug in a rug if I never had to see the inside of another one of our courtrooms!
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi Sondar

    Just wanted to add my welcome, and offer my support. Haven't had the exact situation but it came out of the same story book.

  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Sondar,

    Welcome! I guess I missed your post yesterday :bag: - so sorry!

    If you've been lurking for awhile you probably know way more about us than we about you. It's great that you decided to join us.

    by the way- I had to giggle that Kanye West is taking credit for the quote in your profile since Friedrich Nietzche ( http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/f/friedrich_nietzsche.html ) originated the phrase over a century ago.... "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."

    We are always happy to have new family members to help us row the boat when we're too tired. :warrior:

  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Hi my son is 24 also. He is onprobation for the second time. The first time he violated and went to a correctional facility in south carolina. He has been in several rehabs - in jail various times, etc. If your son is going to rehab - you could talk or write the judge or attorney. I did that for my son. He went there but did not stay. He is now probably going to be sent again. His voc rehab lady told him he needed inpatient treatment. We are hoping he gets it. His probation officer wants to see him sooner than expected. I called his probation officer and toldhim I agreed with the voc rehab lady. We will see. We have had things stolen from our home also. My easy child's video game system was stolen. We are on the war path.
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sondar</div><div class="ubbcode-body">.

    we had been robbed, jewelry and tools mostly, and our difficult child was the culprit. A former friend of his called to tell us our stuff had been taken to local pawn shops and that difficult child was using heroin.

    You could have written that about my difficult child. The only difference is my son never went to jail. He was arrested and the attorney was able to get him into a state rehab, mandated by the judge. He was able to stay clean and complete his probation. In the end, the deal was no felony charges. He made it and we are very fortunate that it turned out the way it did for him.

    It was a long road, but he is now 1 year clean and following his program.

    heroin is an awful awful addiction. I hope your son can remain clean once he's released from jail and can continue to move forward and do everything in his power to lead a happy healthy productive life.
  18. hope1990

    hope1990 New Member

    Welcome, my difficult child also has court this month. He told his PO that he broke his probation, he knew he was going to get caught, he did 4 days in county early Sept., I refused to bail him out, his friends did. I am ashamed to say that I am both petrified and relieved at the thought that he will be doing time. It gives me a sick feeling either way.

    Will be thinking of you.