Horrible Saturday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by STRESSEDTOMAX, Jan 20, 2013.



    Well...again I have that "can't put my thoughts into feelings" feeling. I woke up yesterday and realized that as a parent, I cannot continue to just allow difficult child to control this entire house on EVERYTHING. The night before he tried to get me and husband to let him watch the big screen TV in the living room because HE doesn't want to watch the smaller (but by no means, small) TV in his room. I was really just appalled that this is his thinking and embarrassed in front of his friend who says "no sir" and "no ma'am" to everything we ask him (military background). Anyway, I just made up my mind that SOMETHING has to change. When he gets out of bed, he immediately starts..."can I call this one....I told him that he can make calls and have someone over today but he had to take a shower (no shower Fri.) and he had to do at least a little bit of schoolwork. He threw a FIT!! It went on probably about an hour until easy child told him he would sit and help him. (mind you, I told him the same thing). So he did about 6 math problems with our help (only took about 15 minutes). He had 6 problems left and 20 minutes reading. All of a sudden, he will do nothing else AND refuses to take a shower. Well...there was no way I was backing down. I was asking so little of him. It turned into a very aggressive, destructive tantrum that went on for literally about 3 hours. husband came home from work - still had more problems last night. Today has been fine. He woke up, took shower, did some math with my help, and went bowling with husband. Will be home soon to play with friend.

    I feel that if I have any chance of keeping difficult child home, I CANNOT keep letting him tell me he can't and won't do the littlest things. It's just so frustrating and exhausting. Then, easy child was hurt because I had promised to go with him to church last night but just couldn't...:(

    One more thing...I'm sure I'll get some mixed thoughts on this. husband and I have decided to s-l-o-w-l-y wean him off the tenex and abilify because we have not seen him off medications since he was six and frankly, I don't see how it could get much worse. We want to see what we're dealing with before adding anything else.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh. Sounds like a horrible day. I dont know what to say about the medications other than to run it by the psychiatrist.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Stressed -

    I was just thinking about this sort of "stubborness" (for lack of a better word) with difficult children and I wish I had an answer for you.

    I remember a therapist we had way-back-when advised us that as long as difficult child is the first, the center, gets the best of everything and gets to call all the shots we shouldn't have any issues. Well, that's just GREAT - what about everyone else who has to live here? Don't we have any rights at all?

    And unfortunately, many times that seems to be the choice - do it difficult child's way, or suffer the meltdowns!


    DF - EXACTLY!! Now that the things difficult child is refusing are school and schoolwork, this is hitting me harder than ever. And when I see days like today when he does these things or other things he normally melts down about, it really makes me question whether much more is in his control than I've thought. This house needs to get some structure...which is terrible news for me...lol
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stressed, sorry it was such a horrible day! I think you handled things fine by adding some structure. I agree with Janet about running the medication change through the psychiatrist.
  6. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    If your child is on the spectrum, he will thrive on the predictability. I think that's where people get confused about- using power and control to force their will getting results vs. the predictability of routine and expectations that are within a child's capabilities (not necessaril what we want/expect them to be able to do) getting the results. It is not that you are becoming a taskmaster and he wants to suddenly obey you, it is that if the expectations are placed and the routine is formed, you will see compliance from anxiety reduction. It would probably be in yours, your child on the spectrum and his sibs best interest to create visuals of expectations (again, not everything you think/wish your child should be/act like, but the things they can accomplish minimally) and create predictability around those expectations. You don't need to get 'tougher', your child needs routine to establish expectations and predicitability.
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    This may sound very simplistic, but my difficult child can be very stubborn and this helped us. difficult child was great when he felt that he had some control over things, so I try to give him choices. Keep in mind, that I make sure they are choices that I can live with. It started when he was little and would melt when I tried to dress him because he didn't want to wear what I picked out for him. So I would let him pick his clothes, but I told him that he has to match. If he picked a shirt, he has to wear the pants that went with it. That seemed to help him alot.

    As he got older, I would give him choices with other things. Maybe choices is not the right word. Maybe control is really the right word. If I needed him to do something, like clean his stuff off the dining room table, I would tell him on Wednesday that I need it done by Saturday, and I give gentle reminders over the next few days. If I remind him that he needs to shower and finish his homework, he'll say, "Can I shower in the morning?" My sister in law thinks I'm nuts to give him choices about these things, but as long as he does it, does it really matter if he does it tonight or tomorrow morning?

    This morning he as a dentist appointment. He HATES going to the dentist, so I've been telling him for the last few days that this is what he is doing at 10:00 this morning. And husband is off from work today, so I told him that HE gets to take the kids to the appointment.

    Like I said, it sounds very simple, but it might help. With my difficult child, for him it gave him a sense of contol that he seems to need.