Hi mog,
I don't know anything about you or your son. I wouldn't mind giving some thoughts, but without knowing anything about you or him it's hard for me to help.
In general kids learn how to manipulate and play the blame game. They say things trying to find a soft spot and when we give in or cry - they know they've struck a nerve. I used to fall apart, then I got counseling and learned that the more stoic I was in my reaction to my son (now 18) and his behaviors? The better off we both were. Not to say there weren't times when I fell apart - but no longer in front of him.
My son has been in and out of phosps and RTCs, group homes, and now lives 15 minutes away in therapeutic foster care. He's been arrested, and put us through a lot. My generic recommendation at this point would be to seek counseling for yourself. You need a neutral *****ing buddy, who will be able to give you good suggestions for your particular set of circumstances. He'll help you learn the art of detachment for situations you should just walk away from. He'll help you to become a better person and that will in turn help you be a better Mom.
I no longer get the "It's all your fault" line. I did before therapy. I did during and after therapy. The biggest difference? I knew better AFTER therapy. Sometimes we all need a little support locally.
If the home is going to discharge him (been there several times) BECAUSE they can't change him - and he's out on some sort of Department of Juvenile Justice sentence - maybe the best thing for him would be to GO to Department of Juvenile Justice and see how long tossing chairs at windows and cursing and garbage like that will go on there. NOT LONG - and those that do? Get longer sentences. My son will tell you he'd do Department of Juvenile Justice in a day - but what he won't tell you is that it scared him. You cant' cry in there and not get hardened kids making fun of you. You can't act out and be crazy in there - and get attention - you'll get attention alright - more isolation or LOS (LINE OF SIGHT) from guards and you'll shower, eat, and sit right there with a guard all day. Not fun.
I think between that and our recommendation for him to go to a locked psychiatric hospital with 2 wings - he got the message. The chair throwing behaviors stopped for ours after he got tied up and given a shot of thorazine - twice. It made me cry for days - but....if that's what it took to make him realize there ARE kids out there that really are messed up and he's NOT exactly one of them? So be it. Not to say that he won't have to work with a counselor for possibly the rest of his life to deal with his anger - but that's his choice. He's doing better - now.
Where is the discharge plan? Could it be to a locked psychiatric hospital? Something more intense? Sounds like he could benefit from a wake up call. Then maybe transition into therapeutic foster care with visits to you?
Hugs
Star