How do you cope when everything is your fault?

[llamafarm]

What do you all do to deal with the constant blame that your difficult child puts on you? My difficult child blames me for lost glasses, lost socks, fish that die, his slipping down the stairs, not having the cereal he wants, his not being ready for things on time, etc. It is endless and exhausting. I walk away, ignore,respond, nothing changes the blame nor the out of control anger he feels toward me every time he has a thought. It has turned into a scene in which whenever we interact I have done something wrong and he will let me know.

 

[SmallTownMom]

Hugs* to you. I have gone thru that with my difficult child when he was 7 years old. It is hard on moms, all we want to do it make our kids happy. When we started his medications (Concerta and Clonidine) he has gotten better. Once I came to terms that none of this was my fault and I stopped responding to his rants, he no longer had power over me. I walked away, yes it hurt at times still, but I found a great counselor that helped me get thru the tough days.

Chin up!

 

[TerryJ2]

We are *just* getting to the point where difficult child doesn't blame me for everything. I still think he believes that everything is my fault, but he's learning to shut his mouth every now and then.
Usually, I can pretend he is a TV set that is too loud, but about once or twice a mo, I still break down in tears. Walking away works very well, as long as he can't follow.
Wish I could help more.

 

[DaisyFace]

llama--

(((Hugs)))

If everything is your fault then you must be the Mom! Honestly, I think it goes with the territory with these kids!

Stop engaging. Easier said than done, I know....but he is just using you to vent his frustrations the way he might beat on a punching bag. Put up a hand - tell him if he has a problem, you'd be happy to help him solve it....but if all he is going to do is yell at you, then you are walking away. And do it! Repeat as necessary.

If you can get him talking about even one small thing....that will be a good starting point. You fell down the stairs? What happened - where the stairs kind of slippery? Did you trip? Were you going to fast? Did you get hurt? etc See if you can start to turn the vents into little conversations instead...

Good luck!

 

[Jody]

llamafarm,

Sorry you are dealing with this, and I don't have any great advice for you, unfortunately. I dealt with the same issues this weekend with my 14 year old difficult child. Everything in the house is wrong, the food I cook, that she oversleeps, that it rains. Everything is my fault and if I say anything to her while she rants then she turns the argument on me and says if you just wouldn't have said anything than we wouldn't be fighting. Um so I told her lets get this rght, you get to blame me for everything whether I have anything to do with it at all, you get to tell me off about everything and I am just supposed to listen and be attentive and then when I do say something that she doesn't like in my defense um, I am the troulemaker and I have caused that argument too, because you know you didnt have to say anything. When hell freezes over, don't think so difficult child. So hang in there, you are not crazy and you are not the only going thru this. We don't have a lot of these issues anymore, they do dwindle down a little bit with maturty, but not always. Hugs

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I must say that some of this dwindled with age - at least the amount of times I was blamed. When he was still your son's age, it was ALWAYS someone else's fault. It took many years of reinforcing the lesson of the bike (when you are riding a bike, you are in control - when you peddle fast you go faster, when you turn the handle bars to the right, the bike turns right - it's like that in life, you are in control of what you say and how you act and react). The bike lesson was repeated so many times that I should have permanently worn a voice recorder around my neck and just pushed the button every day!

As my difficult child has grown, 17 now, he still is "entitlement boy" in many cases but he also has learned a lot when it comes to responsibility for words and actions. It takes time......

Sharon

 

[Bluenose]

((Hugs)) I don't have any advice but I feel your pain. My difficult child does the same thing. It is tiring, overwhelming and some days I don't know if I'm going to laugh or cry. Keep venting and know that you are not alone.

 

[Wiped Out]

Ugh! I hate when my difficult child does this; it used to be much more constant but is still something he does. For the most part I just let it roll off my shoulders. Often I will talk to him later and he will often realize that he is responsible for his actions; it's a slow process but we are getting there.

 

[buddy]

Not only is everything my fault but once on that rant all of the old things that have ever happened are too. Like his smashed finger in the car door years ago even though I was half way up the stairs, or some kid pushing the elevator button before him even if it happened at school when I was home uggggg! Just gotta laugh sometimes. It's too absurd. Here, I admit some of it is the limitation in knowing how to express a range of feelings but venting it on mom at least relieves pressure. Its an automatic and well rehearsed comment.

 

[Bunny]

I think this is really common among difficult child kids. Mine doesn't do this as much as he used to, but when he's ranting about something? EVERYTHING somehow turns out to be my fault. It can be exhausting to listen to day in and day out. I think it does get better as they grow and mature and maybe, just maybe, they realize that the fact that they forgot to bring a pencil to school might have more to do with the fact that they didn't put it in their pocket than anything else.

 

[llamafarm]

Thanks all. Your comments give me hope. Perhaps age will help. Let's hope. In the meantime we are looking at new medications. Dr. called yesterday a.m. He had been on vacation and wanted to get back to me right away. We discussed options (he has slowly gone off his Abilify, which might be the cause of the extreme outbursts). There are always so many options, back on Abilify, lithium, abilify and then lithium...it is our call. Ughh.
I believe we have decided on trying the lithium. It will have the fastest response time, if any. Here we go again.