husband vent....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by paperplate, Feb 1, 2013.

  1. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    So, anyway, husband moved out last week. He said it was him or our son...naturally, I chose our son. DS13 has both epilepsy and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). With the epilepsy comes sensory seizures. It causes him to hear voices that aren't there. They're basically misfires in the brain and part of his aura. He has other types of seizures as well, but that on scares him the most. So anyway, I got my DS a dog yesterday. She's a cutie. DS adores her! The idea behind the dog is to have someone in his room with him at night to make the voices easier to deal with. THEN: Problem starts. husband calls, says he wants to come and see our daughter. DS13 got excited because he thought his dad would be excited about the dog (and he's still waiting for husband to just plain give a **** about him). NOPE! husband walked in the door and within 5 minutes he has us all a nervous wreck. First, he noticed that DS 13 had left the door a crack open while letting the dog out, then he noticed a tinker toy laying on the floor 'touching' the wall, then he noticed DS13 didn't put his shoes on in the proper location. Within 5 minutes, we were slobs, destroying the house. It was horrible. I could feel my blood pressure rise and that old anxiety settle back into my shoulders. Once I got husband out of the house DS 13 stimming came back in full force...ugh! It just plain sucked! He started back at school yesterday for a two hour day. He's still get's home instruction, but we're trying a combination of both. Anyway, yesterday was fine, but then today I dropped him off and he looked ready to vomit. He's just so upset and it's breaking my heart. husband had said he simply did not ask for an autistic kid, he didn't sign up for it....OMG! I'm just soooooo angry. I honestly don't know how to rid myself of the anger. It's all consuming and I'm sick of it. But at least we took a positive step. DS is back in school, we have a pretty cool dog & tonight DS is spending the night at Grammies again...God Bless Grandmas! Maybe tonight I'll just suck down a couple tubes of icecream and veg about on the couch. It's not like I need to impress anyone anymore! LOL
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, I am so sorry. I know what I say will probably be hard to hear, but it is the truth.

    Your husband is VERY VERY VERY ABUSIVE. You need to call a domestic violence center TONIGHT. You will be shocked at how they respond to your husband's behavior. He may not have ever hit you or the kids, but he is still incredibly abusive.

    A domestic violence center will be able to help with just about everything. They can help you learn to deal with your anger, they will provide free therapy, both one and one and group. They will help find resources for your kids, and will provide therapy and help for your kids. They will help with the finances, with getting custody, with getting your share of the marital assets (NOT just what he wants to give you), and they will help you get a restraining order so that you husband can NEVER EVER EVER do that to you or your kids in your own home.

    Home is where you are supposed to feel safe and loved. I don't think that either you or your kids has had that in a long time. The kids feel that love from YOU, but not from your husband and not in a home he controls so severely.

    A tinkertoy on the floor will NOT ruin the house's value, neither will shoes put in the wrong place. Well, not until you have several hundred pounds of tinkertoys and pairs of shoes. Even then, once the toys and shoes are removed, the house's value will not be changed.

    Your husband isn't just wrong, he is abusive. You need help and so do your kids. I am urging you with EVERY fiber of my being and iota of my soul to make a call to the DV center, go in for an intake appointment, and take advantage of their help. So what is husband is angry that you got help and told of his abuse? He clearly is not wanting to be a loving father, or husband.

    You are worth so very much more. Infinitely more than this man you are married to. So are your wonderful, precious children. You need help to see this, and there is help out there. PLEASE reach out for it. PLEASE.

    You have a responsibility to protect your children. Right now your husband is abusive an you MUST protect BOTH your kids from him. They are BOTH being damaged by him, not just ds13. So it is time to step up for them if you cannot do it for yourself. Getting help for ALL of you is the priority now, not if someone is going to have a fit because you are not perfect and neither is your home.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    First, thanks for your reply on my post, I responded just fyi if you wannna read it, smile.

    Second, I think husband just did you a favor. That had to take all doubts about if this was the right thing for all of you! He may have good qualities in there but he is not meant to be a dad to any of them. Not as a job anyway. Maybe he'd be a better weekend "fun" dad. But that kind of stress and control will hurt an already hurting child and clearly is not good for any of them NOR YOU!

    My avitar is our new dog JJ. I got him as a therapy/service dog for my son too. It has been the best thing in the world! Our lives are totally different. I hope you find the same.

    husband didn't plan to have a kid with autism?? Oh how nice, how many of us in the world did? Maybe he has some special pass that gives him a break from any challenges in life??? I suspect he is on the spectrum so just truly can't see another perspective. That is too bad but it might make it easier for you to just give up on trying to fix it.

    I'm sorry that you have to wade through the muck to get to a better place, but I think you really will. You have the natural parenting tools and you "get" your kids. They are blessed to have you.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    You know, hon, I am glad husband is not living there. because let me reiterate what Susie said. He is abusive.

    I can promise you this - if DS is magically "all better" (ain't gonna happen) - husband will find something else to pick on. How long have you been living this way?

    Call the DV hotline in your area... And give Grandma a HUGE hug.
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Just a thought but from now on when he wants to meet I would tell him you want to meet in a public place. Obviously he cant be respectful in your home and therefore does not belong there. Tell him you will be happy to allow him to spend time with his daughter outside of the home but that his disrepectful badgering about normal human behavoirs will no longer be tolerated in the home.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    beautifully put dstc. I also love the idea of calling a domestic violence group to see if there is help for all of you.....
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Honestly? I would have UNLEASHED and told him to get HIMSELF tested for autism, too. (Insert colorful censored words here).
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    LOL, if he could hear me from here when I read her post that is exactly what I was doing! I wish we could all have been there to unload on him but I know that is not truly helpful....just my little vent.
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I don't know, I think a kickboxing class would do mom a world of good! LOL. And I know exactly where my Storm gets most of her difficult child-ness from ;)
  10. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    I agree with the others. Call a DV center ASAP. Do NOT EVER allow him back in the house again. He no longer has any business in there. You're not preventing him from seeing his children, you're just keeping them safe from his emotional abuse by having him stay out at the curb or meeting in a public place. As a safeguard, document everything from here on out. dates, times, comments made, circumstances, etc. It will come in handy later when he tried to take custody of his "normal" children. It will show his level of abusiveness overall.

    I am so glad DS13 is back to school even if only for a couple hours. Glad you have Grandma to help with relief. The dog was a WONDERFUL idea. I got one for my kids, for different reasons, but it has turned out to be very therapeutic for difficult child 1.

    You're doing great. Keep it up.
  11. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Thanks everyone, I've known for a long time it was a bad situation & I've had divorce papers stashed in a drawer, I just couldn't get him to leave. He'd just yell 'you'll never make it without me....etc...' Anyway, he's out now & with all of the therapists, psychiatrists, neurologists and peds involved, I don't see him attempting to come back. He knows DS13 is talking to the therapist. We all are. Everything is out in the open. It's not just me against him anymore. I finally have a support system. So far, it's ok, my panic won't kick in full force until husband goes into psycho mode...which will probably be when he realizes it's permanent. In which case a TPO will be in order. But we're not there yet. Maybe since he's living at his parents, he won't go crazy, who knows. Maybe they can help keep him calm. husband can be....different at times. He doesn't like feeling out of control. But my neighbors are great people. This is a tight community. We watch each others kids, most of us are involved in everything with our kids and seems like we've known each other forever. And THEY ALL know how husband is. I've had a few neighbors at my door asking how they can help over the years. They hear the yelling. They hear it all. And it's humiliating to be standing out in the garage and have your husband telling you how stupid you are because there is dirt on the garage floor....believe me, they know. And it's not that I'm weak, I just got tired of having to constantly defend every single thing, every tiny decision. And believe me, I know I should have just walked, but where? That was the whole issue. When ever I found a job, husband would call and start screaming into the phone etc... totally nuts. Then as the kids got older, I didn't feel the least bit comfortable leaving him with the kids, so I just stayed home. After a while, he started staying gone on the weekends and stayed in his room every other day. He'd just yell from behind the door. Keep the kids quiet, what was that noise? etc.... At 5pm! My youngest didn't even get home from school till 4! It's a wonder he was so hyped up. He was stuck in the house (can't ruin the grass), but no noise aloud...Whatever....I'm done, been done, I was just waiting for him to go....Maybe that's why I got so many people involved this time. I figured there'd be no turning back and MAYBE we can finally live in peace. I know it'll be hard, but I have a great family who's more than willing to help. I found out I qualify for SNAP. Just have to figure out how to use it? I'm supposedly getting a card in the mail. So at least there will be food. They did give the kids Medicaid as a secondary insurance. So what blue cross doesn't pay, Medicaid will. Which was actually my bigger worry. One of DS's medications is INSANELY expensive. The other one isn't too bad. But other than that, I'm totally lost. Everything is in husband name. Can't even call long distance, cuz husband got mad when I called my brother once, so about 5 years ago, he put a block on the home phone. When he left, he took his cell phone, which I had used after he would get home from work to call DS's docs etc... But when I called the phone company, they won't lift the block without husband's permission and they won't turn it off and put it in my name. So I have no way of making long distance OR local toll calls. So even when he's gone...he's still in control. That part sucks. I am however asking my mother tonight for some sort of pre-paid cell. As far as the utilities, I'm just gonna let them run out. They're not in my name anyway. Once they go off, I'll call and have them connected in mine. The house, I have know idea whether my name is on it or not. I know I've had to sign papers husband brought home before. Once when he took out a loan. So I think I might be on it. But I didn't read it, he just said 'sign here'. However, from what I've read, a judge rarely asks a mother and her kids to just get out. So we may be able to stay for a while. husband says everything is his, because he bought it, but I don't think that's true. We've been married 11 years, living together for 16. We bought the house and everything in it 8 years ago, so I think I might be entitled to something. But I have been at home most of the time. Does that even count as a job? I don't know. I guess I have a lot of questions for a lawyer and I don't even know how to get one? No savings, that's all husband's. What a mess! I just don't know how I got here?!?!?!
  12. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Once you get in touch with a lawyer he or she will be better able to tell you what you are entitled to regarding the house. I am amazed at how well you are holding yourself and the kids together through these first days. Your H is abusive, like the others said. He didn't sign up for a kid with autism? Well, sorry but you get what life gives you and you have to learn to live with that.

    Keep up the good work. You're doing great!
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    DV shelter can help you with a lawyer best-suited to your situation - and that lawyer can hopefully get you what you're entitled to, in your name presently or not!
  14. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Thank you Bunny. I think I'm holding up because I'm the one who stayed. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I had to move the kids etc... to a knew neighborhood, new school etc. Then it would be ****. The only major change has been a good one. husband left and took the anxiety with him. No more name calling, no more worry about perfection, just peace..well actually NOISE! Lots of it! It's 6pm and Sponge Bob is cranked up and we're eating popcorn (dare I say the FAMILY ROOM!) They've been chatting non stop for days about everything under the sun. Mistakes are made and no one yells. Instead, we laugh. Finances may be tough, but as long we're together, we'll be fine. And if I tell my self that a few hundred more times, I may actually believe it, LOL. I actually got cleaned up today, not going anywhere, just wanted to feel better. Plus DS13, says he gets embarrassed when I show up at the school looking like something the cat dragged in. I just really felt sooooooo bad all the time, it was hard to bother getting dressed up. I don't feel bad now. I don't think I'm numb, just more like...hopeful? Hopeful that everything will work out for the best.
  15. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Keep up the good work. You are setting a FANTASTIC example for your kids! They are going to see things get though, but they will also see you say to them that as long as you're all together, you will make it through.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The phone is fairly easy to solve. Go to the nearest store and get a pay as you go phone. I have priced them several times, and Net10 and Tracfone are the cheapest. If you get a tracfone, try to get one that includes a double minutes for life card. Long distance and reg calls cost the same. You just go buy a new card when you need one. I f you don't have 20 bucks for the cheapest phone and another twenty or twenty five for minutes for a monthe (with net10 you can get 750 minutes and 30 days service for $25, and internet/texting is all charged as minutes, so you can do all of that), I bet your folks would help. There are also govt programs that provide a phone with a certain number of mins for a month. Others here can tell you more. I don't know because it isn't available in my state. But you could also google free cell phone and come up with the program easily.

    The other things? The dv center will help and help with the cost of ALL of it.

    The SNAP program is great. When husband was unemployed we had a tough time spending it all each month and that was wtih 4 of us including 2 teens. You get a card like a debit card and just run it through at the grocery like you would a debit or credit card. You set a PIN number and use that with it. You do have to pay for non-food items like toilet paper and cleaners, but not vinegar. You can clean a TON with vinegar and water, and if you google that you will be SHOCKED at what it can be used to clean and how well it works. Ditto baking soda.

    I am glad you are okay with him being gone, and if you can get the money, get the locks changed so he cannot come in. With his control issues, this will be very important at some point when he realizes he has lost all control.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The fact that you are legally married... is huge.
    Even in the most backwoods places that I've ever heard about... the married wife has rights.

    If he agreed to you not working and looking after the kids... then your share of the assets is your pay for NOT working. You did your share. If he wanted you to pay for half of everything, he would have insisted you work... in which case, you would still get your share. Get my drift? not that the courts will necessarily split everything up equally, but... being married still has advantages.

    Talk to DV shelter or lawyer about the utilities, etc. - some places, the account can only be opened by the owner of the building or with proof of a legal rental agreement. Don't let them run out without knowing for sure what the next step is.

    But... why are YOU paying for those? Isn't that HIS responsibility? (not that you can force anything, but... have you asked? if he actually refuses to pay half of the utilities, it would count against him in court... but sometimes it isn't worth poking the tiger... and this fellow is definitely a tiger.)
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Glad that you're holding up throughout the drama. I hope you have a calm week end when you can all get your wits about you. Stay stong,.
  19. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You must realize and accept that your husband is a tortured soul. His need for perfection is a difficult one to live with. Do NOT put anything past him. Do NOT trust him and believe he would never completely go off on you or the kids. He is tortured every day by his own self. That to me is a time bomb just waiting to go off. Stay safe!!!
  20. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Even if everything is in his name, it's still half yours, go talk to a lawyer asap. His parents are not going to be able to "calm him down" just because he is living in their home. Have your ducks in a row for you know things are going to get ugly, or I should say, uglier. You didn't sign up for an abusive husband, but you can fix the situation. You can! I know that we are all saying things so cavalierly, it is a huge step to take, but think of how your want your life to be in a year. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10? You really can have a great life, the one you've imagined. You've gotten some great advice. I would get a restraining order and not allow him access to your home. I think he may continue to come in a wreak havoc whenever he wants. Don't accept his behavior as normal, call the DV shelter they have resources available to you. (HUGS)