husband's and the Board

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Crazy-Steph, May 18, 2007.

  1. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    Does anyone have a suggestion on how I can get husband to read these posts? He is just coming around to agree to testing for difficult child, but is still not fully on board. Almost more like he is humoring me. He knows that I am on here and I just want him to read it. I told him he doesnt' have to post. But I want him to see, like I did, that what he is feeling is normal. He feels like a horrible parent lately, and he really isn't. He is the only person in difficult child's life that has always been there, and he is afraid that we are failing. Thanks!
     
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Places like this are not for everyone. I know I have always found comfort between this board, and others before, for different things I have experienced with my difficult child.

    My husband doesn't even realize I come here daily. He's not one to share things as I am, and doesn't even really feel the need to find comfort from anyone but me, so I think he would actually be resentful to know I spend so much time here getting opinions and comfort daily from anyone but him. This is like my secret comfort place with my friends I dont' have to share with anyone :smile:

    You can try passing along some things you have learned that may have helped how you feel, and then maybe he'll begin to believe he might find some comfort here too, but besides that, I don't know what else to suggest.
     
  3. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    In the past I have printed out information that I have wanted my husband to read. Mostly because I want him to know there are other families with the same issues with children, and for some good tips and advice! Try that...
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Most men arent talkers they are fixers. My husband knows I come here...he should I have been here since 1999...lol. We talk about the board as extended family almost. Nothing happens in our family that someone doesnt say "have you posted to the board yet mom?" However no one really reads here but me. I think I have read off a few posts to husband over the years. He knows more of the people and kids on the board simply from me talking about them so often.

    I think your best bet would be to simply slide in information you get off the board in everyday conversations with him. Kinda stuff like..."well I was reading on the board where missmolly's difficult child who sounds a lot like ours got a lot out of this therapy. He is doing so much better now." Or slip in other things about how you read about a new person coming on with a little kid or other things. So and So's child graduating soon, having babies, getting married...you know the drill.
     
  5. CCRidr2

    CCRidr2 Sheena-Warrior Momma

    Steph,

    Leave the computer logged on to the board and walk away, let him find it. If he reads a few things great, if not oh well.

    You have found support and understanding here and want that for him as well. NORMAL! :thumbsup: Do your best to use that to keep giving him support and reminding him that he is a good Dad <u>and</u> husband.

    I remind mine every now and then! It usually gets me some much needed extra hugs and makes him smile! :smile:

    Keep the faith, you're on the right road!

    Cyndi
     
  6. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    I will try all of your suggestions, thanks!

    Janet, I think you are right. He is a fixer (who happens to think he can "fix" things by yelling) :smile:

    I think that after we get all of the evaluations done this summer that he will feel more confident in his parenting skills and see that we have been doing the best that we can.

    I know that I have found comfort and support here and I will try to pass that on to him.

    By the way, I asked on another thread and think I skipped over the answer, what is an Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)? I think we will have many more options for difficult child next year after evaluations and I want to take advantage of all of them.
     
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Sorry. None here.

    husband has never read an evaluation report.
    He's never read my adhd website or Letter to Teacher site.
    Though he's aware of it, he's never read one post on this site.

    http://www.fathersnetwork.org/593.html?page=593&SESSION=b3049c8fddeef6b74f1ba31d9e962092&s=0 is a website written by a dad with a special needs child.

    Maybe it being written by a man will help.

    The following is one page on grieving. I could "feel" the difference in the way guys talk to each other vs how women interact here. I found the message the same; but the tone to be very different.

    Some Thoughts On Grief
    by Ian John

    Gentlemen, you are about to enter the pre-season of the big leagues. It is a period in one’s life called "Grief." Some of you have experienced it before, and for others, this is your first time. It is a part of life, and for some reason you were selected. Don’t ask me why; I don’t have a clue!

    When a tragedy or crisis occurs in our lives, we feel as though we have totally lost control. Men have a hard time feeling out of control; I know I do. We were raised to fix things, make them right. Dads, grief is normal and healthy. It either makes you bitter or better. Grief is a God-given emotion that allows us to empty out the deep feelings that must not be kept inside. Your choosing to endure this period in your life will make you a stronger and more mature man.

    Things to remember:

    •Your child being born with special needs has nothing to do with your manhood; leave the macho stuff behind.

    •Do not put distance between yourself, what happened, and your family.

    •Go through the grieving, deal with your emotions, learn from them.

    •Men stay and find solutions; boys make excuses and forsake their commitments.

    •Your focus should not be on what has happened to you, but on what has happened to your child.

    •The fact that your child is born with special needs is not going to change; you have to change!

    •Your spouse/partner needs your support on this one.

    •Your child needs a father, so "step up to the plate."

    •Ask for help, it’s a strength to do so. Join a support group, find another man who has a child with special needs because you need to learn about your child’s disability and your new world.

    •You are now an exceptional father entering a higher level of manhood; take good care of yourself.



    Ian John is the father of Nicky, a wonderful young lady challenged by profound cerebral palsy. A single father, Ian is writing a series of short essays about the challenges men confront when raising a child with special needs. He hopes to have them published in the near future as well as used in hospital and early intervention centers.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Let's see..... I've been coming here since T was about 13. (OMG!) That's about 7 yrs now.

    husband reads posts occasionally. But it is rare. He knows I get alot from the board. He'll even suggest I post about something or ask about the feedback I've gotten here about something I posted. Still he won't sit down and read posts. Just not his thing. Now that I've been here so long he'll even ask how so and so is doing. lol But I gave up on trying to get him to sit down and read.

    This type of thing just isn't for everyone.

    Hugs
     
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Mine actually gets jealous of the site, lol. He is getting better though.
    Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) = Intermittent Explosive Disorder
    IEP = Individual Education Plan
     
  10. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    Thanks, I meant IEP, but any info is helpful!
     
  11. sdr413

    sdr413 New Member

    I happened to get "LUCKY". My husband started out a very opionated, yell to fix all person. Over the years after printing out some of my posts about events here and the responses and suggestions I got, plus other families posts. He finally has gotten to the point of asking me what the board says. He does attend most of the meetings at school and gets about half the phone calls I get now. He still has a harder time dealing with some of the (what he calls "Bull#@^t"ie: red tape, kid attitudes that get annoying, etc.) then I do but he has come around ALOT in helping me with difficult child.
    Now that he has to personally attend to his mother and her legal and personal affairs after her recent stroke, he has come to understand some of my frustrations a lot more.
    We are now playing "tag swap" with both mother in law and difficult child. We also have 2 adult daughters who help. Even with all this support it STILL GETS OVERWELMING but we have learned that being TOGETHER as a family and NOT fighting over trivials is the most important thing.
    ABOVE all comunnication, communication, communication....

    As with all things in life "It takes time" and "This too shall pass".
    Susan
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I fully agree. husband lurks here all the time. I was posting a PM tonight and having trouble (turns out that using Safari meant that I couldn't post PMs unless it was a reply to one). husband fixed the problem for me (told me to use Mozilla) and, of course, read the PM and any other recent post of mine.

    De does this with my permission. Of course, it does mean I can't say anything nasty about him, but I wouldn't be doing that anyway. It wouldn't be productive.

    husband has also softened a lot since I started posting here. The logic of the alternatives made it clear that there WAS another way, and as we put them into practice he could see the positive results.

    A lot of blokes seem to feel insecure in some way, if they can't rule a household by roaring occasionally. A friend of ours (male) is very much like this. He's very macho, but had no sons. Living in a house full of females I think he feels he needs to prove that he's neither henpecked nor effeminate, and so he goes overboard with redneck views and sexist jokes that frankly, aren't funny. And yet underneath he'd be a nice bloke, if he dropped the sexist, racist, one-eyed views that really are a front, to prove he's all man.

    Very sad. Because the only blokes who listen to that sort of thing, and for whom it really matters, are not worth knowing.

    So, to all those males on this site, either regular posters or partners, hang around. Read. Comment. Ask. It can only improve your life, and that of your family.

    Marg
     
  13. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    I have shared many, many posts with husband, but I read them to him - he has never (to my knowledge) been on the board. Which I guess is okay. He is definitely a 'fixer' and gets frustrated. What begins as feeling bad for difficult child for all he goes through sometimes ends in him just being plain miserable.

    He knows that I am on here most every day and he knows that I have posted lots of things at lots of times. He's glad for me that I have the site, but I guess he's in line with a lot of husband's here - not for him.

    I'm still just glad that I found it all those years ago!!!
     
  14. judi

    judi Active Member

    I will say that my husband is not a part of the board either - has no clue that it even exists let alone that I post here. My posting style was very face paced from 2001-2003 when difficult child left home. There are still many ups and downs and I post here still, some 7 years later. However, I'll be brutally honest here, I think my story of my son isn't very hopeful, doesn't have a happy ending (at least not yet) and pretty much is depressing to read. I don't think if I was a parent of a younger child, I would want to read my own posts - lol.


    However, what I get from the board is hope for the future - that perhaps one day our son will want to be a part of our lives again. However, for now we must be silent.

    Also, in the 7 years I've been posting here, we have lost two difficult children in our board family and for them I truly grieve because I know it can so easily be my son. For them, I wish only peace that they have always done the best for their kids.
     
  15. 3babygirls

    3babygirls New Member

    If I tell husband to come read a particular post because I think it's something he can relate to our situation he'll come read it but he's not the type of guy to sit on the easy child because his theory is "he has too many more important things to worry about". Also husband is more of a private person and doesn't like to broadcast his personal business where as I need to talk to someone about it or I'll go crazy. Things I can't discuss with him rationally I come to a message board to talk about. Different things work for different people I guess. You'll just have to find out what works for husband.
     
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    My husband is very aware of this board; he never reads it or feels the need to post. However, he is aware of my being here - he's also aware of the good friends & support system I encountered here.

    husband listens to what I have to say on what's going on here & to the ideas I utilize from other wise parents.
     
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