I am here!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bluebell, Mar 17, 2014.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    I posted 'new here' on the SA forum and Midwest mom kindly suggested I post over here. You can read my story there - hope that's not rude?

    Anyway, my difficult child is 17 - 18 in September, but it's been a long road and the conditions are only worsening when I thought this was the age he would be growing out of it. So I'm here- ready to move on with my life, ready to start the healing for my family- even if I have to do it without difficult child.
    I will be back soon with updates - good or bad..
    Thank you all in advance!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Bluebell. While you get yourself settled "over here" you might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, you may find it helpful. We're glad you're here.........keep posting, it really helps a lot.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Bluebell, welcome. I went to SA and read the thread there. First, I am so sorry about your son. Second, I am more concerned about you.

    He is going to do whatever he is going to do, as you are learning. I used to believe Love conquers all, Bluebell. If I just loved him enough, he would come around and stop this stupid nonsense.

    Didn't happen. My son had plenty of rules, a good loving family, dinner every evening, four years of high school soccer team, acolyte in church, nice neighborhood, a paid-for college education (by us), loving extended family.

    Didn't matter. Addiction and mental illness take their course. Slowly, over the years, I have learned. The past four years have been the most dramatic, i.e., multiple arrests, multiple jail stints, now has felonies, homeless multiple times, stealing from us and others, doesn't need help, doesn't have a problem.

    That's the shorthand version. He's homeless right now, and is 24.5 years old. He is homeless about 2 miles from my house most days, where he eats breakfast and lunch at a day shelter, and figures out where to spend the night every night.

    Bluebell, addiction and mental illness take their course. I would strongly recommend CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. I love the page, think it's about page 71 or 72, where she goes on for one REALLY long paragraph about all the things she did to try to stop the addict. Same for mental illness.

    I so related to that. I did it all and more, because I am one of the most persistent people you'll want to know, Bluebell (now in a much better way, lol) and I was going to reason, argue, cry, beg, plead, ground, force, manage, control, stalk (fill in the blank) this stupid, destructive behavior out of him...now.

    Didn't work. NOTHING I tried worked. He has lived here multiple times in the past four years, but not in the past two years. I don't allow it anymore. He's an adult now. (has been for a while). Time to fly. Even if it's to the homeless shelter. Even if it's to the street. That may sound harsh. I have gotten here inch by inch. He has taught me well.

    My son, on the street???? Never going to happen. Guess what?

    My son, felonies? Never going to happen.

    My son, a drug addict. Never going to happen.

    Not while I have breath in my body.

    Slowly, slowly, I studied, I listened, I cried my heart out, I learned and I have changed. Thank God.

    I am a much better person today and I am still getting better. I have so much more humility today and a much more realistic grasp of what is my business and what is not. I try hard to "stay on my side of the street." My life is a full-time job, leaving no time for the part-time jobs of managing other peoples' lives.

    Food for thought as you begin to navigate the world of detachment and recovery...for YOU.

    A few first tips:

    1. Every day, do something nice for yourself. Whatever it is, pick flowers, take a nap, enjoy a bubble bath.
    2. Every day, write a gratitude list. Take two or three minutes, sit down, pen in hand and write. Limit it to five items. It will change your attitude about the entire day, your son and your own life.
    3. Read and study about detachment and codependency.
    4. Go to an Al-Anon meeting and then go to 5 more Al-Anon before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you. It has saved my life and has given me a strong foundation for consistent work on me. I go to at least two meetings a week and I read the literature often---I have all of the books right here at home.

    Be easy on yourself. This change will begin in you and will occur over time, if you work at it. You will make mistakes with your son---and that's okay, Bluebell. I continue to make lots of mistakes that I sometimes see while I am making them and sometimes I see later. Nothing is the one. fatal. mistake.

    We just aren't that powerful. I wish we were.

    Hugs, and prayers and blessings on you all today. Keep coming back.
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you joined us here. Do post. We'll be sure to answer.