I cannot wait.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Feb 17, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I mentioned in an earlier thread that wm must become a part of the treatment team ~ he has to believe in what's being done for him. The same with kt.

    It would seem that at a certain point our difficult children would get with the program - heck, in some point lead the program in other ways than behaviors/risky choices & the like. After the mental illnesses are treated with medications, all the physical issues are addressed, our difficult children must become active members of the mental health care team (whatever that is for your difficult child).

    I know that neither kt nor wm know how weary some of the team members become when it's the same thing different day report quarter after quarter. We're running out of ideas & plans.

    So how do you get your difficult children to believe...to become an active member of the treatment team? To believe in themselves & their abilities?
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, I am a firm believer in time. I think as they get older you see bigger strides forward. Suddenly, you realize they have picked up what has been being pounded into them for so long. It is like subliminal messages.

    I think being self aware is something that just happens later in life. Different timing for everyone. Teaching self awareness may be where it is at. I am still working on that with difficult child. Even being aware of how much space she takes up....she does not get it still.

    It is draining.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Our therapist has been a good coach. difficult child will pretty much listen to anyone except for us. :)
    Sometimes he'll say, "I hear your parents here and they're doing most of the work. You need to step up and get to work. I want to hear what you have to say." We just stare at him until he talks. "I don't know" isn't an answer.
    Sometimes, if he's really down and negative, we just make him do stuff anyway. If we left him to his own devices, he would do nothing all day except play video games.

    I think it's sort of a "fake it til you make it" proposition. We have to take them through their paces, over and over, and eventually something kicks in.
    I've seen it in little bits and pieces. I can only hope that all the pieces come together when he's older.

    If we don't see difficult child progressing fast enough, or regressing, we can make addtl appts, and he does not like that at all. It's a sort of carrot and stick approach.
    He's not living outside our home so the team is just us and the therapist, the psychiatrist, and his teachers.
    Frankly, with-o his teachers, I would be lost.
  4. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I agree that age and maturity are probably key here. I didn't see my difficult child 1 take any real responsibility for herself til she was 18. My difficult child 2/easy child has taken more responsibility as she has gotten older (she will be 18 next month). Her typical responses are to act helpless or to lash out but she is getting better at actually participating in her own life.

  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    This is something I struggle with daily, with my difficult child. His only participation in all of the therapy, activities, programs etc. seems to be to learn new ways to make excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

    The only reason he is making any progress is that his life is so tightly controlled by the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) structure, that he just doesn't have the wiggle room to get into trouble. Left to his own devices, I think he would be one of the disheveled young men I see shuffling along, sleeping in doorways and muttering to themselves.

    I don't know what the answers are, other than to keep on going day after day, hoping that something clicks, something sticks, something works...
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I wish I had the answer. I am in the same boat over here. My daughter refuses to take part in ANYTHING that is geared toward helping her. She just won't participate therefore it won't work. I believe maturity is the key. Once they are mature enough to first accept that they have an illness and then to accept the fact that they need the help, only then will anything really work for them.

    It is very sad. Hang in there. :)
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm likely repeating myself on this thread; I know maturity plays a huge factor in my tweedles believing & working with the treatment team versus letting the rest of us do all the "work", if you will.

    More likely, I just want it NOW....not tomorrow or 3 month or 3 years from now. I'm irritable & impatient of late & am tired of the tweedles non stop antics.

    Thankfully, those antics aren't the same as when I joined this board. I have to remind myself daily that I'm not dealing with wm's 15 or so rages a day or kt's 6 hour dissociative states/meltdowns. This is good. Very good.
  8. Penta

    Penta New Member

    Yes, baby steps, baby steps...My girl is now 20 and fully functioning, but she didn't step up to the plate until our lives were turned upside down in late 2005. By then she had been at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 18 months, but it took a good year or so after that until she began to mature in a way that would allow her to take responsibilty for herself and her future.

    Be thankful for those baby steps...I know it's hard to see progress when the forest is so full.
  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Well, I sure understand you wanting them to mature right now, not in a few months or years! I remember when my difficult child turned 18 she was so happy but I bet I was just as happy! I finally didn't have to report her missing when she wasn't home and she could do what she wanted. I think she had no idea what a relief that was for me!

    Take care,
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do agree with age and maturity - and they don't always go hand in hand with our difficult children!!! My difficult child is about 2 to 3 years socially behind his peers. That being said, how can we translate accountability and motiviation in being active in their treatment? That is the million dollar question!!! If I knew the answer, perhaps I would be a millionaire!

    Linda, I think it's different for all our kids since, while they may be dealing with some of the same dxs, their dxs manifest differently and are at different levels. I witnessed my difficult child develop his first "on his own" calming technique when he was in third grade.

    I think there is just a brain "click". Sometimes it clicks on and stays on, and sometimes it flickers on and off.