I can't handle this anymore. At my breaking point.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Missinghr, May 10, 2012.

  1. Missinghr

    Missinghr New Member

    My 12, almost 13 year old daughter just called me a ****ing stupid ***** and hopes I burn in hell. All because I locked my bedroom door so not to have her come in and wake me again. Sometimes I feel she has figuratively beaten my love for her out of me. The disrespectful and mean behavior continues now in front of her friends, and now my own. I am embarrassed for her, and for me. In my deepest, blackest thoughts I wonder if I'd feel more sad or relieved if she just went away. She has become an alien to me. So unlike anybody I have ever seen. Her brief moments of regret for the things she says and does are always tinged with blame and excuses for her behavior; always my fault that I made her so mad. When she says she hates me, I now think "I hate you too." I feel so broken.
  2. lonelyroad

    lonelyroad New Member

    Hang in there, not sure if your child suffers from depression, but if she does we have learned that depressed kids are meanest to their parents, unconditional love and all...
  3. llamafarm

    llamafarm New Member

    You found the place to be. many of us understand raising those mean children. I am so sorry.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of people who come have felt that way a time or two. This is a good place to come to vent. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and seeking help for your daughters issues.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board (although sorry you have to be here).

    Was your daughter always difficult? Can we hear a bit of a back story?
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I agree, that depression often presents as anger. She needs a workup and medications.
    You need a break, too! I know how it feels to have to lock your door to keep these kids away. It's amazing and disheartening and soooo not normal.
    Many, many hugs. You've come to the right place.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Missinghr-Welcome to our soft corner of the world. Definitely find some time to take care of you. Our children can really wear us down. Here we talk about developing a rhino skin-a tough skin for the words, I'm better at it than I used to be but words do hurt. It is important to know that you are not alone. My daughter has a real difficulty with apologies but as she is getting older I'm beginning to enjoy her much more; she is starting to realize that her words hurt others.

    I just saw a Mother's Day card yesterday that said something to the effect of, "Raising children can be the greatest joy in your life or feel like a life sentence depending on the day." I could definitely relate!

    Sending gentle hugs for your hurting heart.
  8. Hello Missinghr,
    I'm so glad you are here to get the support you need to help deal with your situation. I'm sad that you need to be here.

    I agree that this could definitely be depression and that if you can get your daughter a full workup that would be a good start for her.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this, you need to know it is not your fault. I can totally understand your feeling about wondering if you'd feel more sad or relieved if she went away. I am living a bit of both right now. difficult child has been both home and away recently and is currently away again - and I'm not sure if he'll be coming home any time soon. It's very difficult. You think about this problem non-stop whether they are home or not. The only relief with them being not home is there is some sense of calm and peace in the home. That said, I'm sure there's another way to get that calm and peace for yourself. Maybe a massage appointment? A mani/pedi? It is so nice to have someone care for you when you are feeling uncared for.

    Hang in there - if you give some background information there are many people here that are knowledgeable and give great info and advice.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that alot of us here can relate to how you are feeling. I know from my own experiences that I have been where you are and I understand the deep, dark moments. There have been days where I tell my son that I love him, but I wonder to myself, "Do I REALLY love him, or am I just saying that because it's what he needs to hear?"

    Was she always a tough kid, or is this something that has started at the teenage years and puberty have set in? Has she been evaluated by anyone? Does she take any medications?
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Love this!

    I'm glad you found us because there are many wonderful, caring people here who truly understand how you're feeling. Before I found this site, I felt guilty, embarrassed, ashamed because I wasn't sure I loved my difficult children. I was emotionally drained. I felt like a wrung out dishrag, thrown on the floor, being trampled on daily by my difficult children.

    I hope you stick around and give us some background information about your daughter. While we're not able to diagnose, we can share what worked and what didn't work for us, and hopefully some of it will help you. As we always say, take what works, discard the rest. We won't be offended!

    Thinking of you today... SFR
  11. Missinghr

    Missinghr New Member

    Wow. Thank you for responding. I was reading these on my break at work and had to stop because you made me cry. When listening to other parents talk about their kids I usually feel only jealousy and failure because my own child is light years away from theirs.

    I'm unsure what difficult child is an abbreviation of, but must be referring to our kids. I will do my best to put into words my difficult child. She has always been a challenge. Sensitive to the way her clothes felt from a very early age, potty trained before 2 because she didn't like diapers, couldn't wear socks, underwear, tags on clothes, or jeans due to the way they felt. She grew out of/learned to deal with these things over the past few years although she still wears socks and underwear inside out. She has always been head strong and determined. I used to think it would serve her well in life, but unfortunately she has not been able to channel it in a positive way. At least she's not a follower. She learned very early in life that nobody can truly "make" her do anything, and I learned to pick my battles.

    Her father has no parenting skills. My semi professional opinion is that he is probably bipolar with conduct disorders. He learned to self medicate with marijuana when difficult child was about 2yo. He was super hard on her, expected too much from her for her age, and was/is verbally abusive. I tried my best to compensate for his harshness, but it lead to inconsistency and more harm than good I suppose. He became suicidal when I left him when she was 9yo and difficult child had constant anxiety because of this. I tried counseling for her at that time but dad convinced her that she shouldn't talk to strangers about family and personal problems. I have unfortunately not found a counselor that she has clicked with and she has always refused to go after 1 or 2 sessions. Communication between her and her dad is rare, random, and volatile. He monitors and parents(read as criticizes) her via Facebook, has seen her maybe once in the last 6 months.

    She takes no medications, although recently for a short time(1week) took melatonin which seemed to help with her sleep cycle. She now refuses to take it. Not sure if she didn't like it interfering with her late nights, or if it's just because I want her to take it.

    I know there is something beyond ODD. Some other imbalance. There has been a few times when she has verbalized a feeling of lack of control of her irritation and anger and not liked feeling that way. I have always been extremely careful not to compare her to her dad, but she has made the connection and said she is just like him. She prefers to place the blame for her behavior on me, her dad, our divorce, moving, etc etc...

    My escape is my work. Something that I'm good at, and usually appreciated for. As an ER nurse I'm blessed by reminders that there are always worse things that happen to people every day. It's also a job that keeps my mind occupied with problems I can solve, and people whom I can make feel better.

    I know I came to this website because of desperation, guilt, despair. I don't know what I'm looking for here. No easy answers, no magic pill. If I could have one wish, it would be inner peace for my daughter.

    by the way, there was a hole in my bedroom door this morning from her foot. Grrr!
  12. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    Sensory Integration Disorder. That's why she doesn't like the seams. Because she has this, there could be other triggers setting her off.

    And your ex sounds just like so many of our husbands or exes. SOOOO much.

    I've given my daughter melatonin. She doesn't want to take it anymore either, so now I slip it into her food when she needs it.

    Everybody here will give you wonderful advice.
  13. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Welcome Missinghr, you're not alone anymore. Your difficult child ("gift from God", the child that brings you here) sounds like my daughter, Duckie. She has Sensory Integration Disorder (DSI) and tends to be very sensitive and aversive to stimuli. She also gets pretty anxious and angry/irritated when overwhelmed. Her other issues include severe allergies and asthma, both of which can have a negative impact on sleep. We found the biggest help was seeing an Occupational Therapist (OT) who helped us address the DSI. She's still moody and difficult, but more to a level one can expect from a typical tween girl.
  14. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Just wanted to welcome you to the board.

    What testing have you had done?
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome!! You are TOTALLY in the place where you belong!!! We have truly been there done that for a lot of the things you are experiencing. We KNOW that it was not your parenting that caused this, and we know that you love her deeply even when you cannot stand the sight or sound or thought of her. We won't blow sunshine up your nose, or tell you that you are the cause of everything that is wrong with her. We won't stand in judgment and we won't throw stones. We know that false sunshine always makes things darker, that there is no possible way that a parent is the cause of a child's every problems unless there is the type of severe neglect/abuse that is just unspeakable (and parents who seek us out and wonder if they are bad parents just don't do those things!), we know judgment doesn't help and those stones hurt!

    This truly is a safe place for parents. We don't use first names, last names, or identifying info. We don't list places our kids get treatment and we don't use photos for avatars, at least not photos of our family members. We respect each other and ourselves, and we offer help and info and ideas with the full understanding that you will take what works for your family and leave the rest. None of us expect you to do everything we suggest because only you know what will be worth trying and what won't be.

    One thing that can help us keep everyone's info straight is to make a signature like the ones at the bottom of my post. Just basic info, a nickname or just difficult child 1, easy child 1, gender, age, any diagnosis or medications, anything hobbies/passions, just a few things to help us remember. In my signature you will also see a link. It is to what I think is one of the most powerful tools a Warrior Mom can have - a Parent Report. This is a report that you create that tells ALL about your difficult child. The problems, the history, the docs and medications and schools and also the great stuff - the passions and hobbies and sense of humor and everything good about difficult child also. It is all in one place so that when you speak to school or a doctor or an expert in some field, you have your records and results and info right there. You can give copies of any section that is relevant to the doctor to keep in his file and then they can't say they don't have the info. It also can show a doctor or case worker that you have truly tried all ten of the things they want to suggest and here are the results and the official summary of treatment by Dr.YZ so what next? Sometimes this means they will move to something more or different, which can be a good thing.

    One thing that can help you understand the abbreviations is to notice that many of them are underlined. The forum does that and if you hover your mouse on the underlined abbreviation, a short explanation will pop up. You don't need to click anything, just put the arrow over the abbreviation. There is also a list of abbreviatons here: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/board-abbreviations-acronyms-8/ .

    From the things you say, your child has sensory problems. Severe ones. The whole seam/tag thing? Isn't just her being picky. things that don't bug other people really DO cause HUGE problems for her. She has NO CHOICE but to have these things dominate her life. How do I know? I am SOOOO very much that way. I also have children and parents with sensory problems.

    I have always referred to myself as a 'texture person'. I cannot wear or even touch certain types of cloth. These new microfiber cleaning cloths are the devil's creations. I would rather listen to an hour of nails on a chalkboard than to touch one of those cloths for three seconds. It bothers me, jangles my nerves, takes over my brain that much. I am about the pickiest eater I know. Even my kids are not as picky as I am. Some flavors and smells cause problems, but even more it is the texture of the foods. I like rice, but if overcooked or cooked in a crockpot? it gags me. I LOVE oatmeal, but only if it is as thick as library paste. I abhor mushrooms of ALL types. Raw they have styrofoam texture, cooked they are slimy. The problems go on and on. YOu CANNOT sneak food past me, not ground up, not disguised in sauce, nothing.

    I also cannot stand to itch. I cannot THINK. I once flunked a test because the teacher insisted we all wear sweaters and I ddn't have one (he wanted a window open and thought we had Occupational Therapist (OT) have sweaters on, NO clue why). He made me wear his wool sweater and it itched even through my school uniform shirt. I had NEVER flunked a test before, but I honestly could NOT do the math problems. I was a math whiz and this was a basic review. I was hysterical from the itching and knowing I was flunking. Eventually I ended up in the bathroom throwing up from the tears and choking them back.

    I am STILL that bad or worse with a lot of things. I think your daughter's anger may be directly related to the sensory issues, at least a substantial part of it probably is. Imagine all the things you want to do , the pretty clothes you want to wear. Then imagine knowing that if you wear them you won't be able to function, to think, to be YOU. Imagine having no CLUE why evryone else is doing things and is happy and smiling and wearing those cute clothes and the tushie floss thongs as you change for gym class and then the girls notice that your undies are inside out. Then they attack like a bunch of laughing hyenas. They call you names, tease you, bully you, make you feel like a stupid freak because you cannot even tellt hem why you put your undies on inside out. Why you cannot wear the cute undies they do. THen imagine you just don't wear underwear at all. The girls see that and it gets worse - a billion times worse. They not only call you a prostitute, they go and tell EVERYONE that you don't wear underwear. They even talk about proving it to the school by pulling your pants down (or worse they actually DO that!). So how do you feel even THINKING your daughter maybe went through all that? How would you have felt at her age to have felt like that, gone through all of that, and had NO ONE understand?

    This is a small glimpse of the problems she may be having. She needs a complete Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation and there ARE things that can help. One therapy is called brushing and it is combined with gentle joint compressions. It is, in my opinion, incredible. It has been proven to change how the brain processes sensory information - in other words it rewires the brain!!! The COOLEST thing is that it uses NO medications to do this. So there are no pharmacy bills, no side effects, no wondering if it will kick in soon, none of that. It isn't used as often on older kids, or so our Occupational Therapist (OT) told us, but I did it on myself and on my older kids and saw some real benefits. I think our Occupational Therapist (OT) just didn't have older people (over about 9 or so) in her practice. The brushing is done with a very soft surgical scrub brush on either bare skin or over clothing. It is easy and simple and once you have the hang of it, quite fast. But it MUST be taught to you by a qualified Occupational Therapist (OT) because doing it improperly or on the wrong parts of the body can cause real physical problems.

    You need to find an Occupational Therapist (OT) to do a complete evaluation for sensory problems. A children's or university hospital might be a good place to find one. I used the yellow pages to find ours. The Occupational Therapist (OT) will help you and difficult child learn to make these things more livable.

    I strongly recommend you read "The Out of Sync Child" by Kranowitz. It will explain a LOt about sensory integration disorder and how it can be helped. She also has a book called The out of Sync Child Has Fun" that is packed with fun things to do to provide the sensory input that difficult child wll also need. We have loved the book, but many things may be aimed at younger children than your daughter. I suggest reading it after the first book and then working to make the activities provide the sensory input she needs in ways that will appeal to her. One of our readers has a daughter who needs deep pressure. In addition to weighted blankets, etc... the young lady also wears, and loves, corsets. It is a creative way to solve her need for deep pressure. That is just an example of how this young lady found a solution that works for her as an adult.

    Given her father's problems, she may have other problems also. Can you tell us who has evaluated her and what they have diagnosis'd adn prescrbed for her? How that worked?

    Anyway, I have written a book for you. Welcome to our forum!
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-the others--Sensory Integration Disorder.
    It can be a stand-alone diagnosis or go alone with-other things, such as bipolar or Asperger's.
    After a thorough work up and good diagnosis, she really should get on medications. I would find a way to negotiate with-her. Because she already told you that she wishes she could control herself, you know that deep inside there is a normal girl, hating the way she feels. And she takes it out on you, because there you are, right in front of her.
    Would she take it well if you printed out something on S-I-D?
    Make sure you buy her only soft things with-no scratchy tags, or allow her to cut off the tags. I can only wear soft things, although I'm not bona fide Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), and I can only imagine how awful it must be.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Senosry Integration Disorder for sure. However, I never heard of it standing alone. The rage she exhibits in my opinion means more is going on than just that. I'd take her to a neuropsychologist for an evaluation to see all the pieces of what is going on with her...then you'll have a better idea about how to treat it. Often Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) gets better...it's a symptom. Whatever else is going on...depends on what it is. Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) goes along with ADHD/bipolar/any mood disorder, autistic spectrum disorder...I'm sure other things as well.

    Be very vigilant about who her friends are and where she is going too. At her age, drugs are very much a part of modern teen culture (sad, I know at such a young age. . Drug use will only make everything worse. You don't need that on top of the other stuff).

    Good luck and keep us posted!
  18. Tre

    Tre New Member

  19. Tre

    Tre New Member

    Im new to this forum as I was surfing for options and found this. I was reading and was wondering how daughter was doing?
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a very old thread. When you are feeling ready, introduce yourself to us in a new post. Welcome:)