I don't have the energy to give difficult child a happy birthday :-(

[DeepBreath]

I'm new here but I've been hanging around reading for quiet some time. Difficult child is 15yrs old. She recently tore the house up, yelled, cursed, and pounded holes in the wall. Destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of electronics as well. Kicked her sisters 6 & 3. Ran away 3 times this past week. Ran away last night. Brought a pocket knife into our home and threatened to use it on my husband if he restrains her again. By the way, he's her step dad since age 7. She stood in his lap as he sat on the sofa and stomped on him because he refused to give her cell phone back. She threw an deodorant can and hit me in the face. No one in my home wants to even speak to her except the 3yr old who doesn't understand what's happening. My 6yr doesn't want to be near her. My husband has become very quiet and he keeps repeating that he doesn't know what to do. This is not new to us. Its been happening since she was 4 or 5yrs old. ADHD diagnosis. It seems to have gotten worse since she acquired a boyfriend. I could go on and on but I won't because I need advice on her birthday next week. I still love her but I am so emotionally drained that I can't bring myself to go out and buy her a gift. It feels wrong after all she's done. How can I make everyone in the house pretend she's done nothing and just sing happy birthday to her? I'm having a VERY hard time with this. I feel horrible. We have made an appointment for am updated psychiatric evaluation so I'm continuing to work on helping her but this birthday thing has me stumped. Anyone else been in this situation? Sorry for the grammatical errors. I'm upset with little to no sleep and using my phone to type.

 

[alongfortheride]

I have been in this very situation most of the past 10 birthdays. I am a firm believer that they receive the natural consequence for their actions. When you treat your family like crap, crap is what you get in return. I always give a heartfelt card, wishing him a happy birthday and telling him I love him. My son's birthday is in February during his dark winter slide. He is unbearable to be around. At 15, your daughter is old enough to connect the dots between her actions and your lack of action. Perhaps there will be a lesson learned although, I'm still waiting.

 

[StillStanding]

Hello ImSoSad

I'm sorry that your family is going through this very difficult time. It clearly sounds like your daughter needs some professional help.

I haven't experienced this problem before as my son is not violent and doesn't act out in the ways you're describing.

I think that celebrating milestones is for all the members of the family as well as the person who's birthday it is. I don't think I'd be throwing a big party but I might think of a family only bbq or everyone's favorite meal.

This will be a tough decision for you. My thoughts are with you.

 

[DeepBreath]

I have been in this very situation most of the past 10 birthdays. I am a firm believer that they receive the natural consequence for their actions. When you treat your family like crap, crap is what you get in return. I always give a heartfelt card, wishing him a happy birthday and telling him I love him. My son's birthday is in February during his dark winter slide. He is unbearable to be around. At 15, your daughter is old enough to connect the dots between her actions and your lack of action. Perhaps there will be a lesson learned although, I'm still waiting.

Thank you so much. My heart goes out to you because you can relate. That means that your pain and feelings are similar to mine. That is not something i would wish on anyone. What a horrible feeling. Thank you again. A card sounds like a good idea.

 

[DeepBreath]

Hello ImSoSad

I'm sorry that your family is going through this very difficult time. It clearly sounds like your daughter needs some professional help.

I haven't experienced this problem before as my son is not violent and doesn't act out in the ways you're describing.

I think that celebrating milestones is for all the members of the family as well as the person who's birthday it is. I don't think I'd be throwing a big party but I might think of a family only bbq or everyone's favorite meal.

This will be a tough decision for you. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you for your kinds words. You will never know how much they mean to me. I am sending SO MUCH love your way right now! The thought of having a "family" bbq makes my stomach cringe. My family is too wounded to try that right now. Maybe in the future.... I hope.

 

[BusynMember]

I have a son, my oldest, who had always been abusive to his family members, edpecially oldest sister. We would have cake for all birthdays and usually a gift, but on his last few parties arlt home none two of his diblings eouldnt come and didnt biu him cards or presents. He didnt care. He never vame to or rememberef or vated about their birthdays. Once he left the hpuse, to everyonrs elrelief sadly, he said he didnt wamt parties, just presents

We still tjrow parties gor the other three kids
Who are sll adults snd of course my precious gelranddaughtet but he lives in a seperaye syate and never sees or talks to his siblings. He has a son too that distance prevents me from seeing much and I am not sure my grandson knows he has an uncle, two aunts and a first cousin.

He only talks to me and my ex and he isnt always nice. Northfays are different for him. Hr is nearly 40 and dpesnt need anything soncr je makes gpod money sp I just send s card. He doesnt send me one or even remember my birthday.

He is an adult. I love him...but you get what you givr bu his age in my opinion. But he is much 0lder tjsn most adult kids here snd was so sbusove that his sibs were do scared of him. He asked me once why my oldest daughter, and tje one he abused the most, wouldnt talk to him and I said he should spologize for the hell he put her through.

He said,"Shes lying. I didnt do anything."

A lie. We sll caught him. He must remember.

You get ehat you give.

 

[RN0441]

I am not sure what I would do for her. She is young yes, but she is behaving badly.

I think our kids need to realize that WE are people too and not just put on this earth for them.

Do what you need to do for her to make YOU okay. I probably would not go overboard though.

 

[Crayola13]

Keep it small and simple. Nothing special or great.

 

[ksm]

I would buy a few gifts...but things she needs and you would normally have to pay for anyway... Like, if she needs tennis shoes in the near future... Or her bed needs a new comforter...

Or a gift certificate for a hair cut, or maybe a manicure if you are feeling generous.

Good luck, I get it. My 16 yo has had two bad birthdays the past two years. The first one was she told me, when I asked what she wanted fir her birthday, "I don't want to have to see you at all on my birthday". So I called a friend 60 miles a way, made plans with her for the day, shopping, and a nice lunch. I left daughter her card and a couple gifts on the table, and said I hoped she had a nice day, and I would see her tomorrow.

Last year, she lied about spending the night with a friend, got drunk, I couldn't find her (her friends lied to me when I did go to a dif friends house) so I called the police at 1am and they found her passed out at that same house. The police brought her home about 3am.

No fun.

Ksm

 

[Coffee Lover]

My son is an "explosive child" and we have had outbursts like what you're explaining. My heart goes out to you. I cannot say we've had it at a birthday/celebration time though - I can see where that adds another level of difficulty to a difficult situation.

Sometimes, when our son goes through periods that are exceptionally high with frequent violent outbursts, I do a "time in". I take him for a day with just me and we go do something that just lets us forget our daily drama. Sometimes just for an hour or two even if we need a fast escape. Maybe go get some lunch 1 on 1 and a pedicure then have cake with the family. Recognize it for her sake, but keep it low key since others are definitely feeling hurt too?

This is so hard, I'm really sorry you're having to sort this all out amidst birthday time. Happy birthday to her (and you!) though!

 

[pigless in VA]

Welcome, DeepBreath. Give yourself permission to do what feels right to you. You know what your family is comfortable with. If the BBQ idea seems like too much, don't do it. She sounds like a very angry child. I wouldn't be paying for a cell phone for her. Let her take responsibility for herself and work to get one. Sending some warrior mom strength your way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~