I feel like I am going to lose control

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kitten1999, Aug 20, 2014.

  1. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    I have been dealing with my daughters depression for 2 years now she is only 15 and no mater what I do it doesn't seem to matter I am always the one she losses her :censored2: at screaming, swearing and even kicking or hitting me at times. I am doing everything I can to keep her stable, alive and at school but I feel like I'm losing the battle and don't know where to turn next we have been at 3 schools in 2 years and many different psychologists counsellors tried medication and nothing ever changes. She self harm and I struggle with coping with all this and work full time and be a wife and mother to my younger son something has to give

    Kitten 1999
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kitten,
    I hear you!
    Moms always get the worst of it. You're there most often, and you're a "safe" target. I know the feeling.
    Your daughter's depression can also manifest as anger. Or she may have bipolar, so regular antidepressants don't work.
    I would continue the search for medication. And she probably won't cooperate, but I'd try to get sugar and white bread out of the house. And get her on a regular sleep schedule. Lack of sleep makes everyone looney!
    In the meantime, I'd recommend some medications for yourself, just the mildest dose to take off the edge. If it's an SSSRI, it will take a cpl mo's to kick in. If it's something like Xanax, it's immediate. Those work better than wine, although I love wine, but they don't give you a hangover. :)
    You are right to remember to pay attention to your son. So often, the "healthy" kid gets left out.
  3. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Thank you this forum is great I feel like I'm not alone anymore, my husband is great with my daughter but doesn't get how I feel or pretends like he doesn't. It really nice to have some listen to my concerns thank you
    I can't even get her to go back to a psychologist let alone find medication for her last time she was on medication she was on medication she went off cold turkey and completely spiralled out of control ended up on a 48 hour suicide watch. She doesn't think that there is anything wrong with her I can't drag her there I'm at a dead end

    Kitten 1999
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Kitten,

    You really aren't alone anymore! I am the one my son chooses to take his anger out with. He used to do it with others so I am glad that he is doing better. Plus, I am no longer dealing with the violence, just the disrespect.

    I'm sorry no medications have worked so far. It's hard because she is fighting it. In our house we always had the rule where his world stopped until he took his medications. However, we were able to start that when he was really young and now he doesn't fight us on it.

    I'm really sorry things are so rough right now, stick around, you will find much support here.
  5. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Thank you it does make a difference to know I'm not alone in this battle and can see I am going to gain a lot of information and ideas to help cope in this time from this forum

    Kitten 1999
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My sister's daughter suffered from a major depressive episode when she was 17. The only thing that seem to make a difference was my sister and her ex finding a program specifically targeted to teens. It started with group (which is kinda the opposite of traditional methods). It began that way so that the teens could see that others were experiencing some of the same issues. When ready, they moved into indiv therapy. My niece then started on medications. It was a slow gradual process but it worked and she is 20 and employed and off medications. Things aren't always perfect, but she is not a danger to herself or others and she is motivated to move forward.

    Perhaps you could find some sort of similar program in your area or perhaps a practice that specializes in teens. It also may be necessary that she be admitted to a hospital for a complete evaluation, medication wash, and a new game plan. Check into whether your insurance will cover any of these programs. It's tough when they get to the age where you can't drag them but you don't have many years left where you can insist on treatment.

  7. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Thank you for your advice my daughter is already involved in a teenage group but that is as much as I can get right now some days I think she has turned a corner and doing great so loving and focused than as soon as anything she is in another episode of depression. She is such an intelligent girl and I wanted so much more for her and this breaks my heart. I just hope like your niece she can come out the other side and start to live a happy and fulfilling life

    Kitten 1999
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    The teen years are dramatic enough without major depression on top of it. I feel for you.
    When she says that there's nothing wrong with-her, you can simply ask her, "Are you happy? Happy living this way? How does it make you feel when you yell at people and when you can't get your work done?" Just see how she responds.
  9. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    That is a great idea I am defiantly going to try that and see what response I get, it can't be any worse then the response I get from her every other day.

    Kitten 1999
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good luck. Let us know.
  11. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    Our daughter was 8 when her therapist contacted the Sheriff to have the PERT collect her and she was 5150. After the 72 hr minimum, they kept her an additional week. It was the best thing to happen to our family.

    Depression is a physical ailment. There are chemical imbalances that your loving, hugging and smiling will not fix. We tend to absorb the burdens of our children and somehow justify it's our fault.

    Mental illness can be genetic. I hit the mother load when I married my husband. He and his ex had 4 children. She is bipolar, personality disorder and all kinds of crazy (730 evaluation proved it).

    We have custody of all 4, each treated for their own genetic jackpot inheritance and anything else mixed up from the trauma of living with her.

    I've learned to love my Xanax and I know most of their astonishing, freighting and mind numbing behaviors will be a lifelong battle. My husband blames himself for not getting custody sooner, before the damage was done, but why would he ever suspect their own mother of mentally abusing them?

    If you don't have a good support system, you need to find one. You will question your own judgement and sanity at times. Your emotions will betray you and make you second guess choices. This is part of the process.

    Coming here or other forums will help, too. A lot of us have been there, heading there, or going right back. Knowing you aren't alone might help. Knowing we've felt hopeless and helpless, too, brings you in great company.

    I'm hoping everything works out for you and your family.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  12. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Terry while my daughter was in one of abusing her mother stages yelling at me I asked her are you happy doing this and she looked at me for a minute and said I don't care I told her that's not an answer and nothing. It all blew up from here yelling screaming at me and her father and her father slapped her the shock on her face she never expected it. He than progressed to tell her of much of a selfish :censored2: she has been and how much I am there for her and she just throw it back in my face and tell us she leaving because we don't want her her. I progress to tell her we love her and always want her here but we are not going to tolerate her behaviour towards us. She is staying here for now and may have talked her round to getting help. She isn't shutting the door on the idea anyway.
    Today has need such a whirlwind of emotions.

    Kitten 1999
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did she have very chaotic early years, like infancy to three? Did she have many caregivers who maybe neglected or abused her? This early lack of stability and predictability, that all infants and toddlers need, can lead to a sort of permanant "failure to thrive" and cause attachment disorder. Was your daughter always defiant?

    Depression alone should not and usually does not cause a child to be abusive and mean. Normally depressed people are lethargic and irritable (I have struggled with major depression all of my life, way back to childhood). If she is abusive to you, more is probably going on that just depression, although I have no doubt she is also depressed.]]

    Has she ever had a neuropsychologist evaluation? I would definitely start there to see what else may be going on and how to treat it. You only have a few years left with her before she is that nasty "eighteen" where you can not control her choices legally.

    I ask if she had chaotic early years because this can cause changes in the brain itself (which is why "failure to thrive" babies don't thrive). I don't know if it can be overcome, but some people have great success with kids who suffer from attachment disorders, but it takes work.

    Whatever is going on, it's a really good age to find out (neuropsychologist) and get the appropriate help. It seems more is going on than depression. She is getting treatment for that and nothing has changed. Psychiatry is evolving, but it is not yet an exact science. The closest you can come to testing what is wrong is with a neuropsychologist, but mistakes abound because there is no blood test. The opinion of a psychiatrist could be wrong. Or not complete.

    I have suffered mental illness my entire life. It's a real guessing game for even psychiatrists and it takes hard work on the part of the patient, but you can have a good life in remission.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Kitten, well, it got her attention for a split second. You know that there is a thinking individual in there!
    I'm glad you are all getting help and that she is still staying with you.
    by the way, funny you should say, "That's not an answer." That's what our therapist says. He repeats it and repeats it, very calmly. Calm is important. :) You have to pretend you're an actor in a play. Not easy.
    Yay, Xanax!
  15. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Thanks Terry for the advice it seemed to help and I just have to try and keep focused on getting help is the best option. It was such an emotional day for me yesterday I exhausted and sure she is too.

    Mid west mum funny you should say that we all had a very traumatic year when she was about 5 years old, her father had a massive car accident, broke his neck, punctured both his lungs among many other injuries he was in a medical coma for month and I didn't take her on to see him as that's what the child psychologist told me was best at the time but I'm sure this trauma has had a big effect on her as it has on me and I'm an adult. My life has never been easy and I'm sure that why I do handle all this trauma in my but when it you daughter and you feel hopeless and helpless, this is the worst heartache I have ever felt.

    Kitten 1999
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  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What about his first three years?

    So sorry about that horrible time with the car accident!!!! Thank goodness he is doing well now.
  17. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Her first three years were fine she lived with us and my mum so she was always with one of us and we all love her dearly my mother and her still have a great relationship

    Kitten 1999
  18. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Once again we are here again. My daughter is being kicked out of another school because she never goes to school, I have no idea what she does all day. I am done with trying to make her go to school if she doesn't care about her future why should I if she want to become a bum with no job I can't really stop that and I'm exhausted from trying and it blowing up in my face. I sure it will be easier to just give up, because I can't keep doing this it just keeps breaking my heart.

    Kitten 1999
  19. amelia d

    amelia d Hope outweighs experience

    Hi Kitten..so sorry about what you're going through with your daughter. A couple of things to keep in mind..she is 15 y/o and she doesn't have the option to NOT go to school..that decision is not her's to make. It is too early for you to throw in the towel..and I say that not knowing how exhausting it is to deal with her on a daily basis..especially, when you have another child you are trying to raise in a happy and "normal" home. If she is skipping school constantly and behaving erratically, you need to consider drug use. Someone on here suggested an in patient program which would be able to evaluate her behavior, test for drugs and design a plan of action. I can tell you that when my daughter was smoking pot in high school, her attitude was much different from the sweet child I had always known. Don't fall into the "it's just pot" way of thinking. By disengaging from her, you make her think she is winning the battle and reinforce that "you never loved me" attitude. Don't give her that power. As her guardian, you can request an emergency commitment based on actions you have observed that she is a threat to herself or others. Each jurisdiction is different in the requirements, but the school and her doctors may be able to help support your concerns. by the way..does she have an IEP? I would think that a child who is truant on a regular basis would be required to have additional evaluations. Sorry..I know this doesn't offer much help, but a 15 y/o with this many issues needs her parents to make her choices. It sounds like you and your husband have a united front, but I would caution him to not lay a hand on her. We all understand the provocation, but if child protective services ever gets involved ( and you're not far from that), that could be interpreted as abusive behavior. Call your insurance company to see what they would cover for treatment, and then speak with her psychiatrist or physician to get their advice on the best facility for her. Luck, luck, luck to you. Hang in there!!
  20. Kitten1999

    Kitten1999 Member

    Thanks Amelia d I know I cNt give up on her, I have had another day to calm down now. I was just so frustrated angry and upset and thought it was better to say those things on this forum rather than to her. I love her so much but I'm forever pushing her to go to school and think about her future but she doesn't care. I'm just glad my son has been away on school camp this week. We are having her first session with a new psychiatric today so hoping it will help. Yes I am quite positive she is smoking pot, I have recently found some evidence but to tell you the truth it has always been in the back of my mind as both of my sisters smoke pot still and there in there 40's and there life's are all over the place so always hoped that would help steer her away from that life. I'm am going to do my best to refocus her future and life with some professional help of course. I am so appreciative of this space to vent my feelings and most of all get the support I need to make it through this time.

    Kitten 1999