I found you at the perfect time!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraLee, Jul 31, 2015.

  1. LauraLee

    LauraLee New Member

    Welcome Joyfullme, I am new here too (today) and found my way to this site looking up "how to help 20 year old son...". Your story breaks my heart and I totally understand as we are going through the same type of stuff with my 20 year old son. Things slid off the plate with him at 17. Up to that point he was a wonderful kid. Then he discovered pot. He was arrested for trafficking at 18 and now has a record. He is in college but his first year, academically, didn't work out. He is in a summer program and guess what...that isn't working either. I have gone in debt and used up half my savings keeping him out of the house and in school. Its not working. Every time he came home for a weekend it was a disaster. I always feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. But, I am at the point where I don't get into the back and forth insane dialogue with him, don't say how high when he says jump...I'm really not sure if my kid is going to make it...all I know is that for the last 3 years we always end up in crisis. 2 weeks good then, off the plate...2 days good, off the plate, 1 month good, off the plate...I have started to let go more and more over time. So hard when your heart says HANG ON and your head (and everyone else) says let go, tough love..etc...I love my son. I don't like him very much right now, but I love him.
    I have given him all the information for the services in his area too as I told him the money train will be coming to a full stop as I can't be the only one working for his future. I am expecting a full on sh*t storm this weekend too as today we are once again in crisis mode. After a bender and missing some final exams, he hates his life, says he's giving up etc. Always in self-sabotage mode. I told him that only he can help himself, that I am here but I cannot 'fix' his life. Its so hard, I just don't get it.

    So glad I found this site :) Nice to be able to reach out to people that can relate. Friends and family just get angry at me for having any compassion at all and at him for being this way. I am to the point where I won't even talk to them about it anymore. My husband feels nothing but resentment for my son, my daughters are so mad and sad at/about him, my mom practically hates him and gets angry when I talk about him whether its good or bad news(!)
    I just haven't given up, yet. Trying to find the balance between being there but not enabling.
    No one could have prepared me for this drama, trauma or living nightmare.
    Feeling thankful though, for this site.

    Tanya M. I really liked your post. You hit the nail on the head when you wrote:
    "..he will go to great lengths to manipulate you and try and make you feel guilty for the situation he has created for himself." This is exactly what happens when in crisis mode. I keep telling him that where he is now is due to the choices he's made. The choices I have made were to help him to create a bright future and facilitate a good education. What he has done with that are his choices, not mine.

    And Lil you are right, nothing will change until they decide to HELP THEM-SELVES.

    Thank you all for your honesty and sharing your stories. Amazing how empowering it is :)

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...-you-at-the-perfect-time.60765/#ixzz3hUroLI4f
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hey, if this is your real name, I'd change it for your own privacy. Welcome to the forum.

    We all love our kids and drugs are a scary ride. The worst of it is that we really don't know what they are using or how much. They don't tell us. I found out only after my daughter quit using that she was on meth!!!!! Yikes!!!!

    First off "less is more." Do not engage your son in discussions about his behavior. It doesn't work. Actions (yours) speak louder than words. Don't give him a forum to get on the soapbox to justify his bad behavior and trash yourself. Just speak minimally to him until he is doing better.

    Laura, frankly I did not let my daughter live here after I found her at home when we were out and she was throwing a drug party. You and I both are accountable for what is in our house. On top of that, our house is OUR sanctuary. It is not their home. They can not disregard our rules, do nothing, get high and, at least in my world, live in comfort. I don't believe that motivates them to change at all. I think that if they are going to change it comes after hard times in drugland.

    You will not find too many people compassionate toward an adult who is throwing his or her life to the dogs when that young person had everything. We gave them all we had...some young people don't even have the chances our adult children did and they don't all turn to drugs. And they don't all abuse their parents and disrespect our rules. Some adult children your son's age are in the military fighting for our country. Some are thriving in college. Some are working hard full time. They aren't children. The older they get the less sympathy the world will offer them. You can not expect people to have compassion for the choice to destroy oneself.

    By the way, this is in no way your fault a nd I don't care how you parented or what misfortunes were in your child's past. Not every child who did not grow up in a loving two parent family, like Beaver Cleaver (how many kids have this today?) waste their lives? We can not have TOO much compassion for bad choices. We can not feel too much guilt if we did not give our adult child a perfect childhood as long as we loved him and tried our best. We can not allow them to manipulate us by appealing to our soft hearts...they will abuse those hearts for nothing good.

    Your son is old enough to learn how to handle a crisis without dragging you into it and you probably would feel happier if you learned to withdraw from a crisis. I'm not sure what a crisis is to him, but if it is that he needs his drugs and invents other issues to get money from you, don't play the game. I mean, you can, but you won't be happy and your son will never grow up.

    I hope you choose to let your son's behavior go...let him make his own mistakes and don't rescue him. I know this is what you are tired of hearing, but you hear it because it doesn't HELP a drug user to rescue him or to try to soften the results of his bad choices. It just prolongs your agony and does not help your kid. Also, you need your money more than your kid does. There are free services. Let him use those.

    Is he working?

    If you pay for his toys, I would stop...now. The cell phone, the car (in my opinion no adult kid should get a free car and that adult child should also have to maintain the car if he buys one), name brand clothing, cigarettes (horrible habit to fund)...we are not their personal bank. Often they think we are. Often that is because we acted like we were.

    If you want some ideas, many of us draw up a list of rules that must be followed in order to live in our home. Some rules may include: 1/ Get a full time job or get at least C's at a cheap community college and work part-time too 2/ Go for treatment. No excuses. 3/Do chores around the house without complaining. 4/Act respectfully. 5/No drugs in the house. Ever. (These are just examples...you can do your own list). If your adult child violates the list, I would evict him. For his own good. And for yours. You matter too.

    If you care more about his future than he does, it is currently hopeless. It is only when he cares about his future more or as much at least as you do that he will pull his life together. And there are no guarantees, but there is hope as long as we let them go.

    "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly."

    Go to Al-Anon. That helps a lot, talking to others going through their own stuff. See a private therapist. Don't try to do this alone and don't get angry because others are disgusted at the choices your son makes. That is a consequence of the life he is choosing.

    Do you have other kids at home? Is your husband his father? If not, where is the father?

    I love the Serenity Prayer. If you are an atheist, just take out the God part.

    "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know the difference."

    You can not change your son, but you can change how you behave toward him to make your own life better, and you matter as much as he does. You are an important person and you deserve a drama-free life. Give his drama back to him and welcome Peace.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.