He is prone to exploding when he cannot get his way which is often since I refuse to let him have his way. I
Hello bluebird and welcome. Sorry you are having such a hard time with your son. I TOTALLY understand what you say here. Of course you want to refuse him having his own way and becoming a spoiled child who cannot understand boundaries or respect others... However.... Since I have been there done that, I can tell you that I now focus far more on defusing conflict and avoiding meltdowns with my son. Refusing him what he wants - which is where I was about six months ago or so - didn't lead to him stopping having meltdowns. It just added conflict, tension and hostility to our relationship (I too am on my own with him). I have learnt how to manage him better and as a consequence we have a more constructive relationship and I am less tense and despairing. Practical tips I can give you, without any guarantee they will work for your son, of course. I just know they worked for mine:
- I don't now let him have all that he asks for. But I present things in a positive rather than negative way. The word "no" is usually incendiary with these children and so I try to avoid using it. So if he can't have something, I will offer him two things he can have and he can choose - two rather than one because that way he feels he has some control.
- To the extent possible I avoid taking him into potentially explosive situations - we don't go into a shop just before suppertime, for example, because he will want a chocolate bar and will explode when I refuse.
- I try to avoid battles of wills. We are not in a power struggle and I do not have to "win" against him. This, for me at any rate, was a very important breakthrough. As I'm human I sometimes get really irritated when I want him to do something and he says "no". However it is not nearly as much as I used to when it used to really make me furious sometimes and I would shout or get angry - then he would escalate his tantrum and rage, locking us into a lovely and ever-increasing negative cycle...
- I try to explore options and discuss problems with him. If we want opposing things, I will sometimes present the conflict to him and ask whether he has any ideas for solutions about how we can resolve these conflicting interests. It may not always "work" but it sure works better than a heated slanging match...
- Humour is a big saviour for us. Oftentimes, if I tickle J or somehow make him laugh as he is about to go into an explosion, it is defused - he will laugh, the moment is passed and forgotten.
- Wherever possible, I speak to him in a friendly, respectful tone of voice. This makes him respond in the same tone, I have noticed.
- Wherever possible, I praise and encourage him. This has also made a big difference in our relationship and in his behaviour. We have a "gold sticker" chart and he likes to get those without seeming particularly worried about the "prize" at the end of it.
- I am as affectionate as I can be with him, including lots of hugs, pats on the shoulder, kisses, etc. If your son is anything like mine, he is INCREDIBLY responsive to mood and emotion. Affection seems to make him feel less anxious and more secure and therefore less defiant and oppositional.
- I have often found it works if I explain to him (briefly) why I am asking him to do something or why he can't do something. Small example: this morning he said he wanted to choose his clothes to get dressed. Fine, but he came down (it is beginning to be a cold October) dressed in tiny football shorts and winter boots! I said he had to change them - he started crying, protesting and refusing. Then I explained that it is very cold and that his legs would be too cold and the teacher would send him home again. He immediately accepted this and took them off.
These are just a few things that come to mind. These children are hard work - and I do not also have a two year old to look after. Some people might say that taking all these "special measures" does not teach a child how to be in the "real world", that others will not accommodate them like this, etc. I disagree. I think the more security and self-esteem we can give a child when young (and engaging in constant and daily conflict is not good for self-esteem), the more we can teach them about problem solving in ways other than violence and aggression, the better able they will be to survive in the world later. Don't know if anyone has suggested it yet but you should read books by Dr Ross Greene who understands these explosive children.
It's so difficult. You're doing great. Take a deep breath - tomorrow is another day and there really IS light at the end of the tunnel...