I need a little support

[pigless in VA]

TM, men don't do grief well. It seems easier for them to lash out in anger than to feel overwhelming sadness. I suspect he is also feeling "useless and defeated." Take care of yourself. Give him as much of a wide berth as you can. Many hugs for your aching heart.

 

[Fran]

Hugs TM. The only thing I can think of is ask him what you can do to make things ok with the two of you.
If he isn't willing to let you in, remember the good things about him, have a good cry and hope that when this is all over that he will apologize and tell you that he was out of his head.
I think I mentioned once before something about him pulling up his big boy knickers. His mom is dying and all his actions scream "but what about me?"
Hopefully, he will realize that it affects everyone in the family and not just him. Hugs again.

 

[busywend]

Sorry, TM. I would stay away from him if I were you. Let him deal with it his way, but don't be around for him to take it out on.

 

[trinityroyal]

Sending many hugs TM. I agree with both Busywend and Fran. If your husband can't open up enough to let you know how you can help him, and he's using you as a target, then you need to focus on keeping yourself strong, and helping Duckie.

 

[Signorina]

He TM - so sorry for all of the heartache you are feeling...and I know that you understand logically that your H isn't himself -- but that doesn't make it easier to bear.

{{{{hugs}}}

I've posted this a lot - so forgive me for being repetitive - but when life is rough and H and I are getting testy with each other (usually more me than him, but it's almost like it's safe to take it out on each other than on the real cause - Know what I mean??)... I say this to myself 100x, include it in my prayers and even say it to H as a reminder...

"Please let us remember to turn TO each other instead of ON each other..."

and just acknowledging it helps.

 

[Star*]

YOU ARE MY ...............SUNSHINE............
ONE OF MY SUNSHINES...........

YOU MAKE ME

wHEN SKIES ARE ( G.R.A.Y.)

You'll never know dear......

How much I love you.

So go on and have A better DAY!!!!



EVeRYONE SiNG ALONG WITH ME AND CHEER TM.........

 

[InsaneCdn]

Te te te tum tum, Te te te tum tum...

 

[Liahona]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I vote printing out Star's post and hanging it up.

 

[flutterby]

(((hugs)))

 

[LittleDudesMom]

TM,

some folks handle these times with grace and dignity, some close in on themselves, some cherish the time they have with their loved one, and others just can't deal (often it's wrapped up with guilt, unresolved issues, fear, etc.).

I know you are a praying woman -- my philosophy is to pray for those who can't seem to navigate...

I don't think talking to him right now is going to be useful - he appears to be very wrapped up in, and this probably sounds odd, himself; not wrapped up with his mom. Keep yourself healthy, avoid conflict, protect ducky from this side of her dad, and keep on plugging - it's what we do best.

Once husband stops focusing on himself - and that could be before mom passes or after - then you can focus back on his attitude and your disappointment with how he handled himself. There are going to be a lot more losses in our lives as we move forward in age - perhaps he can get a better perspective on the fact that life is fleeting and glorious but we make way for those that come after by leaving our physical world for a better spiritual place. Faith is important, in my opinion. There is no way around the end.

Hugs and love,
Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

Thank you everyone. I've had a hard time finding the words to respond. husband and I had a major blowout on Sunday. He was being incredibly nasty and getting worse each passing day so I let him have it right back. I have my limits. He will not admit that his behavior has been less than stellar or that I am, basically, of any use at all. He's also playing games with Duckie's end of the year festivities and I will not engage in game-playing with a child's emotions (he won't commit on whether or not he can attend because he's so important at work), so I told Duckie to hand him the sheet with the dates/times/places and tell him the ball is now in his court. No more games; he shows up or he doesn't. And, he did start behaving more respectfully after I told him that I was going to treat him exactly the way he treats me whether his mother is dying or not. And I also reminded him of all the support I didn't get when each of my parents died, so he was a hypocrite if he labeled me unsupportive. And I am done. He decides how things will be between us because I will not be a whipping boy to anyone. He can be ****** off at cancer. I haven't killed his mother.

 

[pasajes4]

Sounds like he has a bad case of " I am suffering and I need everyone around me to feel the depth of my pain...even If i have to be the one inflicting it."

Continue doing what you are doing for Duckie and make sympathetic clucking noises in his direction if u have to say anything to him at all.

 

[Lothlorien]

I like your attitude TM. That's about the way I roll.

When my mother in law died, it was such a shock (she was sick for a while, but we were just expecting her to get better, though we knew it was a possibility) that husband's reaction to it was surprising to me. He just seemed at peace with it. I don't know....hard to explain. Maybe your husband's reaction is because he knows she's dying and just doesn't know what to do. He feels useless and he's taking it out on you. I'm not giving excuses for his behavior, just another point of view. Maybe he needs something to do.

 

[donna723]

I am so very sorry that you have to go through all of this! It's never easy but this makes it so much more difficult. I think men and women look at some things very differently. When faced with a problem or a crisis, women usually look at all the angles, talk it over with friends, get advice, ponder all the possibilities and ramifications. A man's first instinct is just to "fix it". And when they run in to something that they can't just "fix", they can get incredibly frustrated. Something really bad is happening to someone he loves and he can't do anything about it. The whole family is in crisis right now and I really hope that when things settle down, he will see things differently. Hugs and prayers for you all.

 

[Star*]

TM,

I can't imagine how much you hurt from not having the support of your husband, your mate, your lover, your best friend......when you loose a parent. I think next to a child; that has to be one of the most devastating losses we face in our lives, and if you haven't ever faced any other loss? Then it is the most horrific of all to date in your life. Not having his support had to have left you so raw, and hurt.....to have held all that in and not expressed it to him or anyone until now? WOW. Just wow. Truly I do not know how you've managed not to blow a cork. You're some kind of woman, I will tell you that much. Another thing I'll add is that - while I find it admirable? I also find it unhealthy. Not in a "Oh look you're bad" way - but as a girlfriend to girlfriend way? Look what it's doing to you now? Tit for tat. That's not like you.....Not the YOU I know. So even if the situation at hand IS ugly and stressful beyond words, the behavior for you is out of character. That's the part that puzzles me, and for the most part? It's not a huge puzzle - He was a jerk, you got no support, you found an avenue to vent similar frustration and teach him a lesson and feel vindicated - (I get that) But there's more to it - LOTS more - and THAT is the part that I find 'the puzzle' The "WHAT ELSE" that y ou don't necessarily have to tell me - but the between the lines that needs to be addressed with you sooner than later, because I care about you, and this thing has festered long enough. Not just the My Mother is dying it's stressful, I'm needy and therefore i'll lash out thing......but the ALL OF IT thing.....the behind the scenes thing.

I'm not sure what it is......or what's going on ........but I think now might be a good time to find somebody to talk to -----about whatever it is that is going on with you. NOT necessarily him. Maybe some of the "with you" is because of him - but it's not all him. Unless I'm completely off my rocket. And that could be too., Been known to happen.

In essence? I'm here.....I'm listening with a new set of eyes......and I hear you.
Hugs & Love
Star

 

[tiredmommy]

Star~ My husband had very little personal experience withdeath when my parents died. He complained and moaned about my brother not beingin a financial position to assist with my father's final expenses. That's all Iheard for two weeks until husband's mother overheard him and blasted him. Mymother... that was particularly painful because he never thought of her assomeone worthy of his respect due to her mental health and addiction issues. Asa matter of fact, not one person in my husband's family offered theircondolences when she died, not even a card. She was less than a human-being tothem. I didn't play tit for tat with him, I just pointed out a huge discrepancyin his logic when he told me I was unsupportive when I have been assisting inthe care of, cooking for, cleaning of and shopping for his mother and others inhis family since January. And he's known how I felt about this since eachincident occured.

And, my husband has a nasty habit of being passive aggressive when he is understress and he seems to think that I make a suitable target for all that passiveaggression. And when I didn't bite? He started his garbage with Duckie. An 11year old that is losing her grandmother. Who spent her birthday in a cancer hospital.Who made sacrifices for her father and grandmother these last six monthsbecause that’s what families do, only to be told her orchestra concert, herchorus concert, her recital, her D.A.R.E ceremony, and her 5[SUP]th[/SUP] Gradegraduation ceremony were really a huge inconvenience to him right now. He wantsto get nasty with me? Fine. It might hurt but I can take it. He won’t do thatto Duckie and not get it thrown right back in his smug, condescending face.
Someone dying is not an excuse for being cruel to others.

 

[recoveringenabler]

TM, I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this, it's a lot and under very trying circumstances. Seems as if you got your point across and set your firm boundaries while telling the truth. You did a good job. Doesn't take away how hard it is, but you expressed your feelings, made it clear you would not accept bad behavior, protected your child and let him indulge in his bad behavior alone. Hugs to you.