I need some strength from my CD family

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Oct 22, 2014.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I haven't updated in a while but things are going south. difficult child had chance after chance at the last program she was in but decided to move a new halfway house when she got yet another job that was an hour away from where she was. She managed to find a halfway house that would let her take Ativan and as her therapist said, "We all know where this is going." So she was discharged from the wonderful program that she was in and moved to the new halfway house.

    Well, the job lasted about a week. She kept sending emails asking us for money for bus fare but we refused. She had managed to get back and forth for training and for her "spa" day so we felt that she was just using that as an excuse to get us to give her money.

    We had a contract while she was in the last program and it stated that if she relapsed all financial support would immediately cease. She relapsed and we followed through with the full support of her therapist. As she put it, if we gave in now we would be supporting difficult child until the day we died.

    difficult child has been emailing husband since he changed his number and I have her number blocked. She said that she was going to sell her car (which is not working anyway) and we ignored the emails. Then, today, I got three voice messages left on my cell phone. It turned out that they were collect calls from the psychiatric hospital. husband called the hospital and found out that she had been there and been discharged right when difficult child was calling us collect from the hospital.

    So as far as we know, she is homeless and no longer has a phone. I know that if we rescue her again that this cycle will never stop.

    Yet, it is so hard to think of how distraught she must be even though she has brought this all on herself.

    Tell me if we are doing the right thing.

  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Hi Kathy, so sorry for what's been going on. Just one question, did she relapse again or are you just thinking that she did because of shady behavior?
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    and even thought I don't know your full story, damn right you're doing the right thing. No matter what is going on, she is 29 years old and has to deal with her own problems now, especially like you said, the ones she brought on to herself. What drugs does she use by the way?
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Stand strong and hang on. You are doing the right thing even though it hurts your mommy heart.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GE, we have been dealing with this for over ten years. She has been in multiple programs and we have used up quite a bit of our retirement funds paying for rehabs and halfway houses.

    We know that she relapsed several times in the last program and are very suspicious that she relapsed again which is why she lost this job. She also has mental health issues which is why we have not cut off the funds before this.

    There has to be a point, though, that husband and I have to start thinking of ourselves and get ready to retire. That has already been put off due to the expenses we have incurred supporting difficult child.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gee Kathy, I am not a part of the SA family, but I am a part of gfgdom, I can't respond to the using and relapsing because that isn't within my experience, however, I can respond to your deep doubts and worry about whether you are doing the right thing with your daughter. Kathy, this is scary stuff. Whatever you decide to do is what you can live with, there isn't a definitive answer here. Having said that, our difficult child's are resilient, if your daughter is homeless and phoneless, she will find a way to get to you on someone else's phone if she is desperate enough. She is likely aware of shelters in the area. She likely has friends there too.

    Therein lies the terrible gray area we live in,that in between place of so much doubt and so much fear. I know that place. Somewhere within you, there is a place which knows which way to go. I have found if I can step back out of the present circumstance, take a deep breath, wait a little while, perhaps talk to your husband..........that space allows us to come up with the appropriate response or lack of response. It's usually that initial fear response that has us not knowing what to do and getting stuck in that fear.

    Often between the poles we usually reside in, help or don't help at all, there is a middle ground which only seems to surface when we are back in our center.

    Or this time, it may be entirely appropriate and the right thing to do, for you to step back and allow whatever is next to happen on its own.

    I feel for you Kathy. It's the most difficult place to be. I'm sorry. Pray for guidance. That's what I do when I am faced with the impossible.

    Saying a prayer for you and your difficult child.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh sweetie - you are "not doing" which is exactly the right thing.

    You can't fix this. If you could- she would be perfect. You've done everything and more.

    You can't keep lowering your standards or going back on your decisions. You can't, you shouldn't. You need to honor yourself
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks, RE, pasajes4, and Sig. RE, I changed the title to CD family. I need all the help I can get.

    Our dynamic is for difficult child to fall apart and for us to rescue her and put her into the next program and the cycle just repeats itself over and over.

    Her therapist and my therapist both have told me that we need to step back and let difficult child face the consequences of her addictions and actions. The last time that difficult child relapsed, her therapist told us that she had told difficult child that we were cutting off all financial help as per the contract that she and we had signed. She said that she had told difficult child that if we didn't stop helping her we were going to enable her to death. That was powerful to hear.

    I am feeling guilty because I have set very firm boundaries and basically cut off communication since difficult child uses any contact with us to manipulate us. My therapist told me that she thought it was good that I did that until difficult child finally got the message that we weren't going to rescue her.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, all things considered, I agree, the right thing to do is to let go. Doesn't mean you won't still feel the guilt, but everything you said certainly points to stepping out.

    That is very powerful. You're doing the right thing.
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear that things aren't well. Your family will be on my mind and in my prayers.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Kathy- I know how very much it hurts but you are absolutely doing the right thing. She's never going to learn unless she's forced to. Stay strong and keep going. We're all here behind you sending you lots of strength and encouragement during this difficult time. Hugs to you my friend!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing!!!! (((HUGS)))

    Nothing changes if nothing changes. Time for the cycle to be thrown off...
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to echo that you are absolutely doing the right thing! This is not mean...it is a loving thing. You are sending a message. You are telling your daughter (without speaking the words) that you BELIEVE in her! You are telling her that she is capable, resourceful, and stronger than she knows.
    Allow her to spread her wings some...as unsettling as it may be for all.

    Just keep that message in mind at all times as this is an opportunity for growth!
    Stay strong for your daughter...for you and husband too!
    Remember...You are not responsible for the consequences of your daughter's choices. These are hers to own and do something about now. She CAN do it Kathy. She really can!!!

    Love and hugs,
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Kathy I am sooooo sorry. You know that you have my support no matter what you do, that goes without saying. But I can only tell you that if it were me I am fairly sure I would do the same as you. We talked about this before, I had to come to terms with the fact that difficult child may die. I planned her funeral in my head over and over. It helped me to face that fact. I made peace with the fcat that if she did die it was not my fault, that we did everything we could to help her.

    Your counselor is correct, if you rescue her yet another time this will go on and on forever. You and husband have to start thinking about yourselves. If something happened to either one of you, you couldn't help your difficult child anyway.

    Having said that I also know the horrible pain you are in and my heart goes out to you. All I can do is send prayers and hugs.

  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Kathy, you are doing the right thing. Someone has to call an end to the insanity of repeating and repeating the same patterns.

    difficult child will up the ante. She has in the past; she wants you to know, she wants you to see it.

    I don't know why.

    Mine are the same.

    Because of the choices your child is making, there will be consequences, whatever you do or do not do.

    It could be that if you stay the course now, if you can be strong now, right from the beginning, your daughter will pull herself back from the edge.

    But I think she will not let you go so easily.


    Given that difficult child called three times as she was being discharged, I think this ~ this time to think and wonder what to do and wonder where she is and
    wonder whether you can go forward with what you said you would do ~ this time is a manipulation, a technique to soften and scare you.

    That is the pattern difficult child has set up. This is what she has done to you in the past. She is willing to go right to the edge to get you re-involved.

    She has done it, before.

    Lately, I have been trying to analyze my reactions so I know what the vulnerability, what the thing is, that pulls me into all of it, again.


  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Kathy... I am so sorry you are going through this again. That darned roller coaster never stops does it! Our difficult children are so much alike I am really thankful they do not know each other. I will write an update in another thread.

    I think you are absolutely right to cut off all financial support. You have to right now I think. You cant provide any financial support while she is using and doing all the wrong things.... that fear that if you rescue her again you may be doing this for the rest of your life is very real.

    I think in terms of cutting off all contact, you have to do what is right for you, what helps you have peace of mind, what takes care of you. I am not sure that I could cut contact with my son
    completely but I might if he started harrassing me constantly for support. So basically what is right here is what serves you the best. You (and the rest of us) really need to take care of yourself right now because in the end we need to survive and recover and live our lives.

  17. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Kathy. I think you are doing the right thing too. You've done everything you could and then some and it still didn't work. Maybe the only thing left for you to do is to let her finally hit bottom where the only way to go from there is up. When she finally sees that the only one that can really help her is she, herself, maybe then it will finally get through to her. You've tried everything else. Hopefully one day she will realize that the way she's been living is not the way she wants to spend the rest of her life and she will start trying to dig HERSELF out of that hole that she put herself in.
  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GE, I just realized that I never answered your question about her drug of choice. My difficult child is an alcoholic that also abuses benzos and pain medications.

    She has also used heroin in the past.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, Cedar, you were right. She has upped the ante. difficult child sent husband two emails today saying that she is having seizures and just spent the week in the hospital and was diagnosed as having epilepsy. She claims that she was told she couldn't drive or work for a year. She also claims that the halfway house where she was staying has told her that she cannot stay there anymore because of the liability in case she has a seizure.

    I would say this is just another attempt at manipulation except for the fact that husband's family has a history of epilepsy. One of husband's sister cannot drive because of it. difficult child also fell and hit her head and had a concussion two months ago and I don't know if that could be a trigger.

    difficult child said that she has called her former therapist who is supposed to call me. This should be interesting.

    So is this just more difficult child baloney or could there be something to this? I told husband that I would tell her that she needs to have the doctor records faxed to us so we could see the diagnosis and if she was really told she couldn't drive or work.

    I could buy the driving part but not work for a year? Even if it is true, what does that mean for us?

    What do y'all think?
  20. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Hmmmm..... I would hold out for the doctors reports. If they are accurate then I would work with her to find a halfway house or some place she can live. I still wouldn't provide her any money. Epilepsy can be bad and may make it difficult to work but it will also make her eligible for programs and possible financial assistance.