Today was my doctor's appointment at the pain clinic. I was supposed to get the results from the CT scan that I had done back on 9/26. The doctor ordered a lumber CT without contrast and on the report it read (DR INSIST) which I kinda think is their way of CYA because they may think it should have been done with contrast especially on someone as large as me. The radiologist mentioned several times in his report about the fact that "the patient" was morbidly obese. But other than that, he saw nothing else remarkable on the CT scan. Ugh. Well, the doctor told me that they didnt expect for the CT scan to show anything anyway because CT's dont normally show problems with disc or nerve problems in the spine. Say what? They just sent me to do a test that not only cost a tremendous amount of money but also is one of the highest amount of radiation producing tests so that it could produce no results????? Why? Oh...because you dont like MRI's! Well wouldnt an Xray maybe have shown something different? Possibly. But you really need to get an MRI. I said look, there has to be something wrong somewhere in my back. He says I have no doubt there is. The MRI will show it. Im in tears at this point. Crying. I tell him...I cant do the MRI unless you put me under with twilight sedation. He says we can give you ativan. I say...I cant. Then...well I dont think you have adequate pain control at this time, you arent taking strong enough medicine to control your pain right now. OMG! I told him no, I cant take anything else. As it is, my psychiatrist is giving me ritalin to attempt to keep me awake during the day. I simply cannot drug myself into oblivion. If I wanted to be a junkie I could go out into the streets and find some crack and probably have a much better time! Im just broken. Im ready to quit. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like laying down and just never moving again. I give up.