I think I slipped and fell into Acceptance.............

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Jan 14, 2013.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I got the most heart wrenching email from my daughter today. I was at work. It appears to me as if she has hit bottom. No money, no job, no prospects, being evicted, feels abandoned, feels as if I "can't stand to be around her" (her interpretation not what I said or feel) feels worthless, like she should have died instead of her husband, only wants me to be proud of her............................it went on from there.................If I had received that email a year ago, I think I would have had to have been hospitalized for the trauma I would have gone through. Today, I read it, I was busy at work so I had to attend to things. I read it a few times. I responded with exactly what my willingness is. I will drive her to the NAMI Social worker I already hooked her up with and sit with her at a meeting with him to discuss options. I told her when the meeting is over, she and I can talk about what she is going to do and what I might be willing to do at that point. I told her I loved her and it seems like she has to make some hard choices. And that was it.

    I did not get that gut wrenching sickness in my heart, my stomach, my soul. I did not feel as if I have to run to fix something. I did not feel overwhelmed with distress at her choices. I did not feel much of anything except some sadness and compassion for where she is. I had a moment of, "what if she commits suicide?" That was a startling thought. However, immediately I thought to myself, I cannot prevent that if that is her choice. I cannot prevent anything that she chooses.

    My granddaughter was home sick from school today, I had a lot to do, working, calling the Dr. driving around town doing errands, doing my life. I went about my day as planned. When I got home I talked to my SO about it and he verbalized his thoughts which mirrored my own. We both felt that my difficult child had pulled out all the stops, one because she really is desperate and what she says is all true, but it also felt a little like a hook, one to grab onto the part of me that rescues her when things are bad. And, things have NEVER been this bad. I am speculating, I really don't know what her intentions are, but I do know that it's hard for us humans to change and often we will try whatever it takes to keep things the way they are. Sigh.

    I've grown a lot this last year. I was reading part of a book about adult children who disappoint you and then I read what another poster here wrote about her experience with letting go and it just all made so much sense to me. A part of my brain, heart, some part of me made a leap of faith into a different zone, one where I am not suffering in the choices of my difficult child. Good Lord, I've suffered enough. So has she. But only she can stop her suffering. I can't do it. Much as I tried. I can't

    I am utterly surprised at my lack of misery. My difficult child's choices have brought me remarkable misery. I've worked so hard on myself, knowing there was nothing I could do about her choices, and after this whole last year of really working on ME, I feel at peace regardless of what my difficult child is doing. I feel oddly liberated. I feel relief. I honestly never would have thought I could feel this way under these kinds of conditions. It is what it is and I can't change it. The rest of it was me thinking I could.

    There isn't anything I can do right now, but if it feels right to any of you, perhaps you might say a prayer for her to find her way...........rattle a bead, send a good thought. I would surely appreciate that. Thanks.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I will say a prayer for her but my first thought when I started reading your post was...wow, she is really pulling out all the stops isnt she? I think you are in a really good place RE.

    We have a sort of running joke in our family. Its about living under a bridge. It has become funny now but it didnt start out that way. In the beginning Cory really thought we wouldnt ever let him come back home and would make him live in a cardboard box under a bridge here. That would be a interesting idea considering the only bridges we have are little ones that go over the interstate and you cant camp out under them. Im pretty sure I probably yelled that at some point in a tirade. Now we all threaten to runaway and live under a bridge.

    Im very thankful that I managed to grow up somehow and it appears Cory is growing up. He has had it harder than I did and that is probably due to the fact he is male. I think women can meet a man who can take care of them easier. Or that worked for me. Maybe men arent as nice anymore.
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Two thumbs up :)

    Prayers that your difficult child will find her way.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can't tell you how happy I am that you are in such a healthy place now. Yes, you can count on me to send good vibes to your daughter. Hugs DDD
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    i am so glad you have found a good state of mind. It is freeing to accept that you cannot change things you have no control over. I too will pray for your daughter. I hope that someday she can get unstuck and move on.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2013
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I am so sorry for your pain. You are doing the right thing. I think it's important for us to realize, as you have, that there is an element of choice in what our adult children do. They are not helpless. They are not victims. It helps me to remember that.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, this, and that I "get it." I, too, am surprised by my lessened reaction to some events nowadays. It's a nice surprise though, and a relief, to be honest. Every once in awhile a PTSD-ish reaction sneaks its way in, but they're fewer and farther between now. My children's choices are not mine.

    I'll send up a prayer for your daughter. I hope she finds her way out.
  8. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Definately will say a prayer for her. I am glad you are doing better with this!!! Hang in there.