I wonder
- Thread starter mstang67chic
- Start date
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Fran,
What do you do if your difficult child won't accept any sort of help or advice? difficult child 1 will only do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Once he turns 18, we'll have absolutely no control over him, not that we have much now.
We made him come up with two plans for after graduation. The first is contingent upon him being able to to borrow enough money on his own to attend an advanced tech school far from home. This is a BIG IF...
The second is that as part of his graduation gift, we will pay for the first, last, and security deposit on a small studio apartment, near the community college, where he has been taking on-line computer courses (paid for by our school dept. through the advanced tech program.) I've been putting away things he will need such as sheets, towels, pots, pans, etc. He will be able to continue taking night classes and will have to find a day time job.
Now, I'm smart enough to know that it is highly unlikely that either of the above plans will go smoothly... WFEN
What do you do if your difficult child won't accept any sort of help or advice? difficult child 1 will only do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Once he turns 18, we'll have absolutely no control over him, not that we have much now.
We made him come up with two plans for after graduation. The first is contingent upon him being able to to borrow enough money on his own to attend an advanced tech school far from home. This is a BIG IF...
The second is that as part of his graduation gift, we will pay for the first, last, and security deposit on a small studio apartment, near the community college, where he has been taking on-line computer courses (paid for by our school dept. through the advanced tech program.) I've been putting away things he will need such as sheets, towels, pots, pans, etc. He will be able to continue taking night classes and will have to find a day time job.
Now, I'm smart enough to know that it is highly unlikely that either of the above plans will go smoothly... WFEN
Fran
Former desparate mom
WFEN, I have to believe that difficult child has to be interested in making the plan work. Break it down to manageable steps to get to his goal.
I would set up a time line to help him reach his goal. It's his life and freedom so he may offer some input into how to get what he needs.
Shopping with him at 2nd hand stores for his own place may be a fun and bonding type experience. Just a little at a time may keep him interested.
I don't have many answers. difficult child spent 35.00 of his Christmas money from grandparents on coasters from Brookstones!!!!!! He lives in squalor but he needs coasters?(rhetorical question) I was so furious I thought I wanted to hurt him. I had to walk away.
I don't have much control in regards to difficult child being successful. : ( Guess he keeps forgetting what caused him to fail last time and the time before that and the time before that.
I would set up a time line to help him reach his goal. It's his life and freedom so he may offer some input into how to get what he needs.
Shopping with him at 2nd hand stores for his own place may be a fun and bonding type experience. Just a little at a time may keep him interested.
I don't have many answers. difficult child spent 35.00 of his Christmas money from grandparents on coasters from Brookstones!!!!!! He lives in squalor but he needs coasters?(rhetorical question) I was so furious I thought I wanted to hurt him. I had to walk away.
I don't have much control in regards to difficult child being successful. : ( Guess he keeps forgetting what caused him to fail last time and the time before that and the time before that.
F
flutterbee
Guest
Start hijack:
Fran, I love your quote. Devon's girlfriend is going through a really hard time and I just sent that to her.
End hijack.
Fran, I love your quote. Devon's girlfriend is going through a really hard time and I just sent that to her.
End hijack.
Those must have been some coasters!
I think the top of my head exploded off.
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
Mstang,
Thank you for starting this thread. I think this is something that so many of us face, and are almost afraid to say out loud.
WFEN, this was my dilemma exactly. I needed to get my difficult child out of my house for my sanity, for Little PCs safety, and for husband's health. difficult child nearly drove husband to his grave more than once. The worst time they had to stop husband's heart and "reboot" him. Little easy child had a key lock on his door at age 3, and he knew how to use it too. husband and I and Step D all had keys, but HONESTLY!
We've made arrangements for him to be in permanent, supported assisted living. Whether difficult child chooses to learn life skills or not is his business. But he's no longer under my roof, he's safe, he has food and shelter. Other than that, I hold out no hope at all for his future.
difficult child is not invested in his own future. He's not interested in doing anything for himself, learning how to be independent, etc. He will try when forced, when watched like a hawk in a very structured environment. The moment the structure is taken away, he regresses and reverts to square 1. The laziness, the attitude, the meltdowns, the lying and stealing, the lack of civilized behaviour, the stink, the mess. The VIOLENCE.
I really don't know what will happen to difficult child down the road, whether he has any hope of moving beyond the stage he's stuck in right this minute. I've given up worrying about it, because difficult child won't change and worrying will just make me sick but won't have any other effect.
The only thing I do know is that I will never live under the same roof as difficult child again.
Trinity
Hi everyone: The issue of caring environments for the difficult child at 18 reminds me of the fact that the competitive system of capitolism fails to value the right to life of many.
As our world is ever more densely populated with people the "johnny boot straps" and "you can do anything" myths do leave a lot of basic human rights out on the sidewalks.
For youths the premise that they will leave their family of origin and enter the workforse, join the military, get a degree and work a proffession are just not reality for some at 18.
Even for the able and talented sometimes they remain at home working and pursuing an education in a field of study far beyond 18.
Yet we have this myth that places the immature and unskilled (with diagnosis and otherwise) 'in the wrong' when developementally there is not fault to lay blame.
Heck, the ecomomy itsself is not prepared to employ all the people that need work. Or house. Or provide services essential to the populations as they are.
I caught a program where the folks who call themselves right to life were assessing the 'profits of the planned parenthood abortion mills' and girls reproduction at differant ages. Are these people out of their ever loving minds?
Planned Parenthood is a very wise idea. And whatever one stands on the issue of termination of unintended, and/or involuntarily impregnanted girls and women we do not hesitate to terminate the eptopic pregnancy and the conditions for children in general is not an image to sugest that women forsake planning parenthood in any sane aproach to their own right to life. or that of any children and all the children we may as women produce.
When the folks who floated over from the east to the conteniant of America the conditions were already environmentally abysmal elsewhere. And now as the populations of earth continue to be increasing rapidly the idea of sustainablity are the only way that human beings can pursue life on this planet. Or we will be continuing to use massacres and mass murder to achieve the possession of the ever decreasing essentials for what life is battling its way into the future.
As my son approaches his legal age for no longer being my liablilty issue, which is what the first teir of adulthood actually is legally, and moves toward the age when he can legally buy alcohol and place his and others lives at risk under the influence, what I feel like I see is a culture that has products over people and profit over health and fails to pin the future on a sencible reality based respect of the right to life of the living.
That women will reproduce seems to me to be the very least of our worries. Recall female kind has proven so effeciant to this end that we now have people living around the globe and pole to pole most of whom to this day have little or no medical care attending them in their pre-natal and post partum care. However what women continue to lack is the educations and self determination to model their own lives in the hope to achieve a world in which they, let alone her live birthlings are safe, well fed, and in good care to pursue happiness.
Our children, all of whom bring us to this site, are those who are needing treatment to cope well in thier lives due to conditions they mostly happen to be born with.
And it is sad, truely sad, that we worry so much that they will confront things that they can not assess and avoid
bran155:klmno
ect.
These are the people that do matter to us: our children. As adults they need oppertunity and lifesyles appropriate to their way of life.
Not a hyper competitive gamble where their efforts and interests can not be vitalized by learning at their level and ability in and interactive world prepared to respect them as they are and will become.
Not a marketpalce where selling dangerous things is priority over a safe way to live.
i was told about a computer program for helping adhd to do some 'biofeedback' or other such monitoring to aid the adhd person to get into the brain waves that are for learning, and not the ones that vedio games exploit. And then i was told that
"it is exsensive". If such is available it seems to me that the technology is more valuable when used by the people who need it than it is to the manufactures who will target this market for the big bang for their annual income reports. And is available only to those wealthy families for money means little.
Thanks for endulging me in my bad mood day. blah blah and so long for now.
As our world is ever more densely populated with people the "johnny boot straps" and "you can do anything" myths do leave a lot of basic human rights out on the sidewalks.
For youths the premise that they will leave their family of origin and enter the workforse, join the military, get a degree and work a proffession are just not reality for some at 18.
Even for the able and talented sometimes they remain at home working and pursuing an education in a field of study far beyond 18.
Yet we have this myth that places the immature and unskilled (with diagnosis and otherwise) 'in the wrong' when developementally there is not fault to lay blame.
Heck, the ecomomy itsself is not prepared to employ all the people that need work. Or house. Or provide services essential to the populations as they are.
I caught a program where the folks who call themselves right to life were assessing the 'profits of the planned parenthood abortion mills' and girls reproduction at differant ages. Are these people out of their ever loving minds?
Planned Parenthood is a very wise idea. And whatever one stands on the issue of termination of unintended, and/or involuntarily impregnanted girls and women we do not hesitate to terminate the eptopic pregnancy and the conditions for children in general is not an image to sugest that women forsake planning parenthood in any sane aproach to their own right to life. or that of any children and all the children we may as women produce.
When the folks who floated over from the east to the conteniant of America the conditions were already environmentally abysmal elsewhere. And now as the populations of earth continue to be increasing rapidly the idea of sustainablity are the only way that human beings can pursue life on this planet. Or we will be continuing to use massacres and mass murder to achieve the possession of the ever decreasing essentials for what life is battling its way into the future.
As my son approaches his legal age for no longer being my liablilty issue, which is what the first teir of adulthood actually is legally, and moves toward the age when he can legally buy alcohol and place his and others lives at risk under the influence, what I feel like I see is a culture that has products over people and profit over health and fails to pin the future on a sencible reality based respect of the right to life of the living.
That women will reproduce seems to me to be the very least of our worries. Recall female kind has proven so effeciant to this end that we now have people living around the globe and pole to pole most of whom to this day have little or no medical care attending them in their pre-natal and post partum care. However what women continue to lack is the educations and self determination to model their own lives in the hope to achieve a world in which they, let alone her live birthlings are safe, well fed, and in good care to pursue happiness.
Our children, all of whom bring us to this site, are those who are needing treatment to cope well in thier lives due to conditions they mostly happen to be born with.
And it is sad, truely sad, that we worry so much that they will confront things that they can not assess and avoid
bran155:klmno
ect.These are the people that do matter to us: our children. As adults they need oppertunity and lifesyles appropriate to their way of life.
Not a hyper competitive gamble where their efforts and interests can not be vitalized by learning at their level and ability in and interactive world prepared to respect them as they are and will become.
Not a marketpalce where selling dangerous things is priority over a safe way to live.
i was told about a computer program for helping adhd to do some 'biofeedback' or other such monitoring to aid the adhd person to get into the brain waves that are for learning, and not the ones that vedio games exploit. And then i was told that
"it is exsensive". If such is available it seems to me that the technology is more valuable when used by the people who need it than it is to the manufactures who will target this market for the big bang for their annual income reports. And is available only to those wealthy families for money means little.
Thanks for endulging me in my bad mood day. blah blah and so long for now.
KTMom91
Well-Known Member
The closer Miss KT gets to 18, the more I wonder. She's doing well right now, but will it continue? We were talking about "after high school", and I reminded her that she goes off our insurance at 19, so she might want to consider the military. Nope...she says she'll just "go off the medications and drink lots of coffee."
God help us all.
God help us all.
mstang67chic
Going Green
Wow.
Guess I'm not alone in these feelings, huh? LOL
Some of you mentioned independant living situations with supervision (group homes, assisted living, etc.). Personally, for my difficult child, that would be IDEAL. He would have some independance but also have the security of people helping him with his budget, seeing that he takes his medications and teaching him the things he needs to know to live on his own. (renting a place, deposits, setting up a bank account, getting utilities turned on, etc.) Really that is all he needs. There are even homes in this area that I'm sure he would qualify for and be able to get into. But...will he do it? Nope. He won't do it for the same reason he quit Voc. Rehab.....they can't teach him anything because he already knows how to do it. Yet, when he was job hunting before his one and only job (that he quit...or rather just stopped going to), he needed husband or I to be there to help him fill out the application.
I helped him open a savings account when he got his first check. We discussed a good way to budget....determine what he needs to "live" on until the next paycheck, keep that out and then deposit the rest. He did great for the first two checks. After that he was the life of the party....bought himself stuff, took his friends out for dinner, bought THEM stuff. Funny though...now that he doesn't have a job or money, I don't hear word one about these friends. Go figure.
As long as I have "his" kind of food in the house, he's happy. (Well that and I don't keep on him to do his few chores. 'Cause you know....it's NEVER his turn to do the dishes.) husband literally just walked in the door and I haven't started supper yet. No point because difficult child won't eat whatever we cook most of the time and I would rather wait to see what husband wants. He'll eat if I order a pizza or bring home McD's but otherwise, most of the time it's pot pies, pork fritters or chicken patties.
**Side note
husband told me to call his cell phone so he could "show" me the ringtone he has assigned to me. *snort* It's Animal by Nickleback. (And if you search for the song online if you don't know it...I wouldn't play it with the kidlets around. Ahem.)
Aaaaanyway....so yeah. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling trapped in my own home. I just wish there was SOMETHING we could do to light a fire under this kid's backside. He's on his second try at his senior year (super seniors they call them) although I think some of his classes are from back as far as 9th or 10th grade. husband wants to get him through high school (and I do too) and thinks we can hang on till then but I tell you now.....come summer....the boy either better have that flame burning brightly or the money to buy a good tent.
Or maybe I'LL buy a good tent and go live in Janna's back yard.
Guess I'm not alone in these feelings, huh? LOL
Some of you mentioned independant living situations with supervision (group homes, assisted living, etc.). Personally, for my difficult child, that would be IDEAL. He would have some independance but also have the security of people helping him with his budget, seeing that he takes his medications and teaching him the things he needs to know to live on his own. (renting a place, deposits, setting up a bank account, getting utilities turned on, etc.) Really that is all he needs. There are even homes in this area that I'm sure he would qualify for and be able to get into. But...will he do it? Nope. He won't do it for the same reason he quit Voc. Rehab.....they can't teach him anything because he already knows how to do it. Yet, when he was job hunting before his one and only job (that he quit...or rather just stopped going to), he needed husband or I to be there to help him fill out the application.
I helped him open a savings account when he got his first check. We discussed a good way to budget....determine what he needs to "live" on until the next paycheck, keep that out and then deposit the rest. He did great for the first two checks. After that he was the life of the party....bought himself stuff, took his friends out for dinner, bought THEM stuff. Funny though...now that he doesn't have a job or money, I don't hear word one about these friends. Go figure.
As long as I have "his" kind of food in the house, he's happy. (Well that and I don't keep on him to do his few chores. 'Cause you know....it's NEVER his turn to do the dishes.) husband literally just walked in the door and I haven't started supper yet. No point because difficult child won't eat whatever we cook most of the time and I would rather wait to see what husband wants. He'll eat if I order a pizza or bring home McD's but otherwise, most of the time it's pot pies, pork fritters or chicken patties.
**Side note
husband told me to call his cell phone so he could "show" me the ringtone he has assigned to me. *snort* It's Animal by Nickleback. (And if you search for the song online if you don't know it...I wouldn't play it with the kidlets around. Ahem.)Aaaaanyway....so yeah. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling trapped in my own home. I just wish there was SOMETHING we could do to light a fire under this kid's backside. He's on his second try at his senior year (super seniors they call them) although I think some of his classes are from back as far as 9th or 10th grade. husband wants to get him through high school (and I do too) and thinks we can hang on till then but I tell you now.....come summer....the boy either better have that flame burning brightly or the money to buy a good tent.
Or maybe I'LL buy a good tent and go live in Janna's back yard.
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Mstang,
If you're pitching a tent in Janna's backyard, I'm coming too!!! Maybe Fran's difficult child will let us borrow those coasters to add a decorative flair to our otherwise rustic surroundings... WFEN
If you're pitching a tent in Janna's backyard, I'm coming too!!! Maybe Fran's difficult child will let us borrow those coasters to add a decorative flair to our otherwise rustic surroundings... WFEN
Janna
New Member
Hey, I have a really nice cabin-like tent you guys can use. It's a "cabana" - I forget the size, but it's huge!
Even has shelves for the coasters, and night lights!
And, there is a horse farm behind me, so if you want to ride to relieve stress, we got that
And, no neighbors, so you can scream to your heart's content.
Just ignore the screaming/singing/loudness when Dylan's out there. It does eventually stop.
Even has shelves for the coasters, and night lights!
And, there is a horse farm behind me, so if you want to ride to relieve stress, we got that
And, no neighbors, so you can scream to your heart's content.Just ignore the screaming/singing/loudness when Dylan's out there. It does eventually stop.
mstang67chic
Going Green
Packing now!
Just have to wait for the snow storm to pass before I take off. Who am I picking up on the way?
Just have to wait for the snow storm to pass before I take off. Who am I picking up on the way?
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Janna,
The "cabana" is perfect!!! Believe me, I'm sure I won't even "hear" Dylan - I'm so used to "background noise," compliments of difficult child 2, that I probably would think something is wrong without it, lol...
Mstang, I'M READY AND WAITING!!!
Terry, I'll bring something stronger to add to the hot chocolate - I could use some now...
DaisyFace, You're welcome to join us... I think I've lost a bit (more) of my sanity (long story) this morning... WFEN
The "cabana" is perfect!!! Believe me, I'm sure I won't even "hear" Dylan - I'm so used to "background noise," compliments of difficult child 2, that I probably would think something is wrong without it, lol...
Mstang, I'M READY AND WAITING!!!
Terry, I'll bring something stronger to add to the hot chocolate - I could use some now...
DaisyFace, You're welcome to join us... I think I've lost a bit (more) of my sanity (long story) this morning... WFEN
Sheila
Moderator
Now matter what we do, how hard we try to teach money management to difficult child, I know there will come a day when he will spend his last dollar on something like a video game (or coasters) and then have to go without eating, because OMG! I'm broke!
