If I were more "normal" and not an incapable person, maybe it would had been differen

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Giulia, Apr 15, 2012.

  1. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Hello girls,
    While I am fighting against my throat infection (GP said that it's not a strep throat, but still infected so still need antibiotics), I am currently having the time to assess what is my life.

    I am happy to have been able to fight with this law and to have obtain results.
    But on the other hand, I am horrified on how hard it cost me. Not much because of the fights against administration and such. But because I argued with so many people that support is nearly absent.

    Of course, I have my mom and my dad, my stepbrother (he is 7 years old), I have my sister in Canada. I have some of my childhood friends (my babysitter when I was a kid, she is married with now two children), and my friends in Italy and Greece.
    But they cannot help me more than they already do. I mean, I appreciate their help, but they cannot do more, they are not superman and wonderwoman.
    I feel exhausted, and helpless. Hopeless no, because there is still hope that this situation gets better.
    But I have no energy to do anything else beside the law, the chores, the law, the chores. Some gym. That's all.

    I separated myself from persons who made believe they helped me, but they didn't. Like a childhood friend who forced me to go to disco and when I nearly ended at hospital with sound trauma, she complained for the drinks. I told her that it's no way we can spend time together, she cannot always blameshift her own mistakes to the others.
    I had to separate from people who asked me to justify like teachers ask to justify yourself for your tardiness and absence. Mommy is too leniant toward that kind of persons, well, I really cannot stand them and I make it know (mom and I conclude that we don't stand the same faults : i can stand some stuff that she does not stand, and vice versa. And it's ok).
    I had to separate from some folks who told me that I deserved to be sick (like a so-told-good-friend who told me that it was my fault if I caught a pericarditis, I shall had not been stressed, so I deserve it).

    I also fought with others about ridiculous matters, that at the end, I don't even remember myself what was the matter at the beginning. And neither I want nor I can come back to them. I clearly don't want to apologize after those arguments, I don't want to go into that s...t again. I am enough exhausted with all I have to manage, I am enough sick of it that even if I were given billions of dollars, no way to come back !! And each time I came back, it was the same story playing again : fights about ridiculous matters, then it was insults, to finish at the end crying and without nothing. So no way to come back, unless someone wants my death.
    The only problem is that it's like it follows me. Even if I go elsewhere, the slightest disagreement finishes on that pattern.
    It needs little, like I am sick (exactly like at the moment I had to stay in bed with a pericarditis), to create such a pattern with people.

    The only place it didn't happen yet was with my GP. Even when I was raging, even when I was trying to break stuff, she didn't give up. We didn't need to argue to sort out a solution. She didn't need to blame me to sort out problems and solutions.
    But I can reasonably expect to, maybe, be given up after a major situation (like a rage, breaking stuff, insults....), and then, be it. I'll have to sort out a solution by myself.
    When she tells me that I am destroying myself, I reply to her that it's my problem, not her. "Well, no, it's also my responsibility". Whatever she wants, it's her choice to take this responsibility, not mine. I cannot oblige her to take it if she doesn't want.

    It doesn't prevent me from thinking that maybe I deserve to be given up. Maybe I deserve to be left alone and drowning when I am in the heck.
    Who knows....
    I am disgusted of all this. If I need to be someone else to deserve help, no way, I prefer to be left alone than having to fit for something I don't want. If a physician would think that I may not deserve to be given medical care, I prefer him to give me up instead of caring me without wanting to do so. If I had the choice between a death and being cared by someone who doesn't want, then, I would choose being left without any vital medical care given by someone who does not want to give me it.
    If I need medical care, even if it were a matter of life or death, I want someone who does really want to do it, not someone who does it but at the same time, does everything to give up (I care but I don't care, I want but I don't want)

    My psychiatrist reacted like that (she cared me while saying she does it by charity, that there is nothing to hope, that I was pretending to suffer....), and it was worse than being given up for good (here, it was a sort of game I care you but I don't care you) : at least, if psychiatrist wants to stop caring me, better she gives me up for good. At least, it's clear, it's squared, it's precise.

    Probably if I were giving up my fight to make a law change, I would be more deserving for the world. I would be more normal so more deserving. My psychiatrist told me that if I were more normal, I would be more deserving. If I were socially inserted, I would have been more deserving and not a useless lazy girl who sucks her mom's money (mom is still shocked that my psychiatrist could react like that).

    I need help to get sort of those things. I have my therapist, but therapy does not do all the job. And I wonder if I really have to give up this fight to make a law change, if it really worthes the effort because it costs so much.
    At the same time, I learn a lot. I prepare a future. It's an activity I like and I am quite good at.
    But it's like I have to be a normal person to deserve help, to receive the medical care I need, to deserve to be loved for what I am.

    Really, I wonder if I have to gie up this fight to make a law change. Right at the moment in which this law is on the road to change....
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    What law are you trying to change, I think I missed that... I knew of your efforts with your father but didn't know what you meant about that?
  3. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    This law is a long story.
    In a few words, it's a law about narcotics and driving. Currently, if you take a stimulant for ADHD or narcolepsy and you drive, you commit an offense (even if the medical exam says that for you, it's okay to drive with this medicine). But if you don't take the medicine, you have an accident. The snake who bites its queue then !!
    Currently, the government works about a reform of driving license. This law is in the pack of reforms of the driving license stuff.
    It was quite a huge work to convince above about this problem of the law (medicine or accident), and the follow-up is still a huge work.
    I wonder if giving up would make me more normal, so more deserving (like psychiatrist said).
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Really?????? Even if you have a prescription?

    Here if they see any signs of drug use they will check your blood, but if there is a prescription and blood levels are at prescription level, then that's pretty much it. There can be (and often is) a civil case, and the drugs will be part of the case, but certainly not criminal.
  5. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    This is the problem at the moment. That's why I started ahead with this law. Even with a prescription, the prosecutor can send you to Court.
    Just because the minister at this time didn't think about this problem when he made this law pass at French Parliament.
    I had to convince him that his law has a problem and we have to change it. Thankfully, he agreed to my arguments (I sent him also all the studies I could find about ADHD and driving. It was hard to obtain them, but I somewhat managed to get them).
    Above, they are currently working on making this law change, but all the follow up is now exhausting.

    Currently, I work with the French association of narcoleptic patients. They have the same problem with this law, but since I started the job before them, we found silly to do double work. So we work together, and we don't put all our eggs in the same basket.

    However, I feel like if I were more normal, I would be more deserving and not a less than nothing.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Guilia, I believe that everyone has a purpose on this planet. Maybe you ONLY purpose is to change this law. Shoot, it may not even be your job to change this law, but just get the ball rolling and get ppl thinking that they should change it.

    If you wake up in the morning, and live your life to the best of your ability. I repeat, YOUR ability - not someone else's. Then you are doing just fine.

    We all could spend our lives pondering what we should have done or could have done or would have done, but that's just wasted energy. Just do the best you can and you're accomplishing your purpose in life.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm not sure about the law, but I think you need, first and foremost, to learn how to feel better about yourself. Many of us have disabilities. It does not make us less human or less worthy of happiness. Do you ever focus on how to learn to accept and love yourself with your therapist? I think you deserve to learn to love yourself just the way you are. And I don't think it helps (at least it never helped me) to go back in time and think about all the people who let me down. In the end, I am the one who has to take care of me...and others depend on me as well. I worked very hard in therapy and I really, really hope you do too.

    As for the law on stimulants...I can't say I get it. I take medication and can drive with no ramifications. I would only get into trouble if I took drugs not prescribed to me or if I drank and drove. I hope that law changes soon. I am honestly more concerned about your bad feelings about yourself. There is no reason for that. Please, please start concentrating on the best way to help yourself. Would you like a few self-help book suggestions from Amazon?
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    What you are involved in - or not involved in - does not change who you are inside.

    The first thing I had to learn was to drop this whole "normal" label.
    What is "normal"? Who decides where the line is between "normal" and "not normal"?
    To the best of my knowledge... "normal" is a phantom. Undefined.

    You are not "average". Ok, fine. So are lots and lots and LOTS of other people. From Albert Einstein to my cousin with Downs... including most of the techno-geeks and many of the scientists around the globe. Average? Who wants to be average, anyway?

    You need to find yourself. Define yourself. Learn to like yourself. Warts and all.
    And THEN figure out what your place is in this world.

    This whole "change the law" thing is... a current project. Nothing more, nothing less. Not pursuing it doesn't change who you already are. So, it's your choice to pursue or not. And obviously, there are benefits to yourself in getting the law changed.

    (I'm ADHD too)
  9. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Thank you for your support.

    To answer to the person about self help books (I cannot find her nickname now), yup, I have ordered some and read some. It helps, of course.
    But on a drawback, it leads to more questions.
    And at the moment, I have no answer to these questions.

    This project of making this law change is a start for a new life, to go back to a life which means something for me. Mine is advocating. This is something I am sure now. And advocating is also fighting to make a law change.
    GP was right when she said : "If you didn't do it, who would had done it ?"
    I had no idea to what to answer, after what happened with psychiatrist. But still, I am getting now what she meant.

    The worst in all this is having to beg for medical care I need.
    We have so few resources for adults with ADHD that I need to fight like crazy to obtain them. An if you are not - or you don't look like - an average person, you have to prove you deserve this medical care from those specialists (yup, they choose who they care and who they turn down). From the three specialists I saw, all three had the same behavior (like the psychiatrist I had). One even dared to ask me to declare lies about my health for the driving license stuff. I refused, because I clearly knew I risk to be in troubles. He stated that I am a liar who wants only to boast. (my psychiatrist told me that if I declared lies about my health for driving license stuff, I would had been more normal and didn't make fuss about nothing. I replied that in case of accident, I pay and she does not. She stated that it's no big deal if I pay, because everyone does it. Darn !!!!!!!).
    What I realize, and am still angry about, is that I have to deserve the medical care I need. Like if I am not an average person, I don't deserve to receive medical care.
    This is the most disgusting situation, and I wonder how can I continue to survive in such a situation.
    At least, so-told-good-friends is one thing. It's hard, yes. But even if you don't see them any more, it's okay.
    Fighting and having to prove that I deserve to receive medical care is even harder, and even more disgusting. I sometimes still wonder what did I do to deserve it.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is france???? I thought they had excellent healthcare. Sounds like they decide if you need healthcare, not the other way around and that you are being ridiculed. I'm really sorry. Do they understand things like depression? Sounds like you have a ton of that too (so did I before my medication). You have NO recourse?

    I have a book for you that teaches coping skills. It is not full of psychological theories, which I never found helpful at all. Maybe you want to take a look at it. It is not expensive. It deals with something called cognitive behavioral therapy and the focus is on HOW to help yourself, not on WHY you are like you are. It is more pro-active. Here ya go (the link):


    JMO, but sounds like a lot more is going on with you than ADHD...you sound like I did when I was so depressed and could barely get out of bed. You deserve, yes DESERVE, some sort of relief from this.
  11. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    MWM, we have excellent health care for certain things. But not for ADHD, or eating disorders, especially to adults.
    I just want to remind, because it creates a debate in the US, that it's not a question of Social Security. Social Security is only a paying organization. They have nothing to say about what services a hospital ward has to provide or such.
    It's a question of persons, not question of institution by itself.
    The problem is the hospital I got my care have a lot of patients who ask care, but don't have much resource (so much more demand than they can provide). So in a certain way, they select their patients.
    The medical criteria are well known. The biggest problem is that, from what I could see, this ward selects their patients based on "social usefulness", ie do they study or have gainful employment, do they live in a "good area" etc etc... But they won't say it.
    I was in this ward for two years, and I saw the psychiatrist every 2-3 months. I am amazed that for a State service not sectorized (you normally don't have to live in a certain area to benefit from their services), I didn't see any patient of color (black or of North Africa).
    And I repeat myself, not all hospitals are like that. I had been cared in hospital for other stuff, and I was not treated like that.

    The most difficult is that I don't manage to forget what happened with that psychiatrist, how she treated me.
    GP told me that if she were truly a medical doctor, she would remember that she she cannot act like that.
    I wish for that psychiatrist to be punished for what she did and does.

    The only way I found to start getting better is alerting an organization against racism and antisemitism. They replied to me that from what I've said, we can suspect racial discrimination for access to medical care in this ward.
    This organization is currently surveying to know what to do after.
    It makes me feel somehow better to know that this psychiatrist will be punished in a certain way for what she did.
    At the moment, I cannot complain to the Medical board. On the paper, I can. But in the practice, this psychiatrist will tell to the other physicians that I am a mythoman, and the other physicians will very likely believe her. Then, it will make me even more in the heck, because it will jeopardize my possibility to get the medical care I need.
    What a mess !!

    I feel like I cannot do nothing more after what happened. Like I have to shut up because otherwise, I get more into trouble (no possibility to get medical care at all for ADHD). Like I am guilty for having been treated like that by a psychiatrist.
    But I still keep a piece of hope for sorting out this situation.

    I sometimes wish this psychiatrist to be treated like she treated me and she treats her patients. Heartless yes, but this is how I feel.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Giulia, I completely agree with the others, what you do and WHO you are are two separate things. Just because other's do not understand your symptoms and things that are happening to you does not mean that you--the core of you--is not deserving. It just means they are ignorant. I can imagine being around that kind of pervasive attitude starts to influence you and bring in doubts but you have to plug your ears to it. You have a gp who does understand it sounds like, right? So, hold on to her words.

    If you had a child you were trying to find treatment for, and those docs said that about your child, would you feel your child was not deserving of treatment or was not normal??? I suspect NOT! Use the same kind thoughts for yourself, ok my friend??

    I agree with Keista, maybe your purpose was to get this started, if you find it is too much for you at any point, do not feel you have failed...we all have limits. If you want to continue to work on this then realize it is a job separate from you. Even if it fails, it is not about whether you are deserving of good things in life. It is just the system. In our country it often takes try after try to create and modify laws. I am sure that is true most places.

    Sending you positive energy and support on your journey! You are a very caring person. Take time to work on just enjoying moments and being very proud of yourself. MWM has excellent advice for you, please listen to her.
  13. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Buddy, yep, GP is still there even when everything is falling apart. I didn't had her, I think that I would had remained without any medical care.

    I didn't think about this point, but so true.

    About the law, it's hard but we are getting results.
    The "only" problem is receiving scorn from a health care provider because you want and do anything to make a law change. The job itself is not the hardest part, but receiving only scornful and judgmental comments/advice from a psychiatrist has been and is still too hard. That's why I thought about giving up.
    But I should think : "if they need to react like that, it should not be my problem but theirs. If they are jealous because they don't dare being in such a fight, it shouldn't be my problem but theirs". I should do exactly like you do when you detach yourself from your difficult child, but now, it's much more easier said than done.

    The French association of narcoleptic patients and I are having results with this law change. So the job itself is not on the road to fail, but on the road to succeed.
    And I cautiously think that in a certain way, psychiatrist was jealous because I managed without the French association for ADHD patients (I didn't feel them at all, and she absolutely wanted me to subscribe to this organization. She took my refusal as insulting her). Cautiously because we can never be sure at 100, but I suspect something like that.

    I think that if psychiatrist needs a perfectly square world where everything has to be perfect or it means death and chaos, it should not be my problem, but hers.
    If she thinks that because I don't fit her perfectly square world, I am lazy, pretending to suffer, pretending to work in order to suck mom's money, I should manage to react like "it's her problem, not mine. If she wants to be in trouble because she wants to lie about her health in her driving license form, it mustn't be my problem but hers".
    Now, I set up my success, my going back to study, and if psychiatrist needs to see me failing to feel a successful psychiatrist, it mustn't be my problem but hers : I don't setup my success or my failure for her, but for me.
    If psychiatrist wants my mom to be unhappy about seeing me to make a law change, it shouldn't prevent myself to share this success with mom. Because mom is happy that I found a reason to work, even if it's not "what everyone else does". Mom told me that there is no reason from preventing herself to be happy to see me succeeding with this fight and all what comes around (building my own professional network, as example).
    The only problem is now, I really don't succeed to be as detached as that. I sometimes manage, but there are moments that it becomes like a storm on my face.

    I needed your support to figure out all this s...t.
    Even if it's only that, it's still something.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    sounds like you are doing well, you know in your HEAD the right words to day, now keep saying them, every time a doubt or negative thought pops in...force it out and put the accurate message (heck, say it OUT LOUD if you need to) in so that the accurate thought becomes the automatic message. It needs to become what you feel and that can happen if you keep saying the correct thoughts when the doubt comes.

    I am glad you are not in the fight alone. Those others have an agenda. People do not like change. They certainly dont want to admit they are wrong about anything either so you really do have to brush off their ignorance and realize it really IS their problem. You dont need everyone to agree with you, only some. The right people. Keep up your good fight but not at the risk of your health. It IS ok to take a break every once in a while!
  15. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Buddy, of course, the psychiatrist and her mates have to manage their problems.
    In the meantime, I have to manage my problems, and if they need to see me failing, then it's their problem, not mine. Maybe I should put it loud nearby my bed. Who knows ?

    by the way, I was in this fight alone for quite a long time. More than half of the time I spent on this fight to make a law change.
    Amazingly, I manage better being alone than badly accompanied. That psychiatrist does not like seeing a patient doing better alone than badly accompanied, she thinks that it's b..it and laziness, and that they mustn't pretend to suffer after that.
    Now, "it's her problem, it's her problem, it's her problem".
    Meanwhile, I keep myself into this politico-legal fight and setting the road for success. The rest should be the my least worries on the todo list.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well I wish you success, I think you are right, just do what you know you want to do and let them be/do what they do... I hope you can take a few moments for some "me" time today.... not the thinking, analyzing time, just some relax time.

    Funny thing....maybe you can relate??? I had a young student one time, age 4.5 and very very smart and verbal. Her parents thought she may be Aspie but they didn't worry so much about it, just let her be who she is.... Anyway, one day I asked her if she wanted me to get a game together for her and a couple of the girls I knew she liked. She had been doing some things on her own. She looked at me and said, "you know, just because i am alone does not mean I am lonely." I thought that was pretty deep for a preschool child! I learned a lesson too.
  17. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Me time, well, not much. Maybe the shower before going to bed.

    (and mom is not happy when I tell her that she has difficulties setting limits to dad. She says it's dragging her in the sh...t. Only a plain truth she does not like at all)