If it walks like a duck....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Mar 10, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    .....and quacks like a duck...is it a duck?...or do you actually have to see the feathers?

    difficult child's 3 main buddies

    (1) the first boy he was caught drinking with at age 14

    (2 & 3) Set of twins, one had his picture in the newspaper for arrest. charged with selling cocaine

    These are the people that my difficult child leaves with on the weekends. He doesn't come in on the weekends.

    I have no proof other than his attitude and actions.

    I am 80% sure I have smelled alcohol on his breath

    Can I ask if any of you know how long cocaine stays in the system?
    I have decided to ask po to do a drug test. I have seen everything but the feathers!!!

    I am just prolonging the next step in difficult child's life. He is slipping right back into his lifestyle and I am allowing him to disrupt our lives in the process.

    I used to just say easy child doesn't deserve to live in chaos, but I now believe that husband and I don't deserve to live in it either.

    I have not let him hit bottom, that frantic call about being cold and hungry and he will do anything to come home is a distant memory to him.

    I felt so strong when he came back, I haven't turned around good and it is back the same dysfuntional way it was to start with.

    If the test is positive, I will stand my ground and he will be back on the streets.

    Again, Anyone know how long cocaine stays in the system? Or other drugs for that matter, I am not sure what all he is doing.

    The po does a standard urine test in her office.
     
  2. kris

    kris New Member

    There is a bit of misinformation out there and that is cocaine is out of your system in 2-3 days. Well while that might be true LABS DON'T TEST FOR THE DRUG ITSELF. Yes, that is true, they look for the metabolite. A metabolite is something that the body produces when it ingests something, in the case of cocaine it is "benzoylecgonine" that will stay around long after the drug is gone, up to 30 days for a frequent user. THE DRUG ITSELF can stay in your bloodstream up to 72 hours. It can stay in your urine for about 1 or up to 3 days after single use. Habitual or chronic use can be detected in urine for up to 12 weeks depending on quantity, duration, and frequency of use.

    <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #993399"> that's what i found when i googled it.

    i thought curfew was part of the conditions of living in your home? was it part of your agreement that he could be away all weekend, continue to hang out with-friends you don't approve of?

    seems to me that you already have enough to send him away even with-o a drug test.

    this is not easy, i know. no one wants to see their kid on the street. you also know, however, that he has not hit his personal bottom & that seems critical to any kind of recovery.

    kris :flower:
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    HH I understand maybe not wanting to make any more legal trouble for your difficult child. I do not understand however, why you are putting up with his defiant behaviors. Is it a condition of his parole that he live with you? If not and if you cannot bring yurself to report him to the PO then just tell him to leave. Out on his own he will trip up and get caught soon enough and maybe hit his bottom. You are aware. you are informed. Now you need to find the strength to do what you have to do. You are absolutely correct when you say that not only your easy child but you and your husband also do not have to live in this chaos and fear.
    ((((HUGS)))) I know this isn't easy for you but it does sound like it is time for you to don your armor once again. -RM
     
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks Kris for the info.

    He is only on probation until he pays his fines.
    He is considered an adult now. They kept the court case in juv. court and his current po is the same one he had since age 15.
    Since court his only contact with po has been to pay his fines.
    She even said he could just mail the payments, as long as he stayed current. Which is a joke, because he has not been current since the start of the payments.

    To put our issues in a nutshell ~ my son has been out of control.

    Any form of boundary is hit head on by defiance.

    To be very honest, I guess I have taken the easy way out.

    After staying awake to wait on him to come in on the weekends and having world war three on my hands when I tried to put a curfew on fri and sat night. I was fighting a losing battle.

    Yes, I could say if you are not here by such and such time you are out. Then I get the phone calls 5 minutues before he should be home explaining such and such has happened and he can't make it. This only gets worse and I am the one paying for it with lack of sleep.

    Also, and I hate to write this, but we all have a break from walking on eggshells on the weekends.

    I don't think his po will do anything at this point if he test positive. He is supposed to go back to court in july for a review? of his progress with his working and payments. The drug test is for me to confirm what I believe he is doing.

    Its like I am dealing with a monster. He can go from joking to hatred in seconds. And I am the target of choice.

    I guess I am just rambling through my thoughts and getting advice before I take action.

    And I guess I am chosing the easy way out again, I am waiting for the proof of the drug test, when I should stand my ground and tell him it's this way or the highway.

    I have fought him for four years about hanging out with the 3 buddies he is with. It has been a never ending battle that he has won. None of them will pull into my driveway and they will get someone else to call here for him, but he ends up with them everytime.

    I think he knows the time is coming, each time I try to sit and talk with him he blows up and walks away. He says that was what he was taught in anger management, to remove himself from the situation.
    He uses this to prevent any conversation I try to start about how he is living.

    Good thing I paid for that anger management program!!! Guess he learned what tools to use to prevent any comfortation from his mom!!!
     
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member


    .
    He is considered an adult now.

    I would say that is the crux of it--he is considered an adult now by society and it is time for you to consider him one too. I don't think you need to have proof he is using drugs. I think you can tell him you are fed up with him and it is time to go, period. I had to do that with my dtr--I finally had enough--didn't explain myself to her, didn't come up with proof of anything, just said she had to go, enough was enough.

    I do know how hard it is--take that step, you will feel much better! Take control of your life back. You will be helping him more than you realize--it isn't just for you and easy child it is also for him. Remember the mother bird forcing the baby bird out of the nest--baby bird won't fly til mom makes him!

    Hugs,
    Jane


    To put our issues in a nutshell ~ my son has been out of control.

    Any form of boundary is hit head on by defiance.

    To be very honest, I guess I have taken the easy way out.

    After staying awake to wait on him to come in on the weekends and having world war three on my hands when I tried to put a curfew on fri and sat night. I was fighting a losing battle.

    Yes, I could say if you are not here by such and such time you are out. Then I get the phone calls 5 minutues before he should be home explaining such and such has happened and he can't make it. This only gets worse and I am the one paying for it with lack of sleep.

    Also, and I hate to write this, but we all have a break from walking on eggshells on the weekends.

    I don't think his po will do anything at this point if he test positive. He is supposed to go back to court in july for a review? of his progress with his working and payments. The drug test is for me to confirm what I believe he is doing.

    Its like I am dealing with a monster. He can go from joking to hatred in seconds. And I am the target of choice.

    I guess I am just rambling through my thoughts and getting advice before I take action.

    And I guess I am chosing the easy way out again, I am waiting for the proof of the drug test, when I should stand my ground and tell him it's this way or the highway.

    I have fought him for four years about hanging out with the 3 buddies he is with. It has been a never ending battle that he has won. None of them will pull into my driveway and they will get someone else to call here for him, but he ends up with them everytime.

    I think he knows the time is coming, each time I try to sit and talk with him he blows up and walks away. He says that was what he was taught in anger management, to remove himself from the situation.
    He uses this to prevent any conversation I try to start about how he is living.

    Good thing I paid for that anger management program!!! Guess he learned what tools to use to prevent any comfortation from his mom!!! [/quote]
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HH...

    You can buy a test at Walmart if you want. If you dont want to go through to fight, then dont.

    Either do what some of the parents have done and get him a couple of weeks at a motel or simply hand him a list of shelters. He does have this job of his. He will make it. He wont be happy but oh well. Read this book ...Walking on Eggshells.
     
  7. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #6600CC"> i think the time has come to tell him to go. you don't have to even explain yourself.....he knows why!

    time to suck in your gut & straighten your spine. do what is best for your family ~~~ not the one who is causing all this chaos. you're really not saving him, helping him change, or acutally doing anything to provoke positive change in him.

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    HH

    If it were me, I don't think I'd even bother with the PO. I'd just tell difficult child point blank that he is not interested in changing, and since he is now considered an adult the time has come for him to go.

    Not much point in you wasting your effort when he hasn't reached the point of wanting to change and is making you all miserable.

    (((hugs)))
     
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>I'm with all of the others. It's time for him to go. Whether he is using drugs or not is really not the issue (although I would bet money that he is).

    The real issue in my mind is that you describe behavior that goes from joking to hatred in seconds and having to walk on eggsheels while he is there. That is not the way you should have to live your life.

    At 18 he can treat you with respect and respect your rules or find someplace else to live where he can act like he wants. Period.

    I can say this because we have done this with our daughter. We have kicked her out twice. She went off to live with a difficult child friend, spent nights at various difficult child friends' houses, got evicted from an apartment, and spent the night at a hotel for a few nights (we paid for that).

    It took a couple of tries but she is now living on her own in an apartment with a roommate paying her own bills. I'm not crazy that she is delivering pizza for a living but at least she is living independently and functioning as an adult. I'll take what I can get.

    She also has become much nicer to us. I just got back from treating her to dinner and we had a lovely visit. She even responded to my "I love you, difficult child" as we were leaving with an "I love you, too, mom."

    A few years ago I didn't think I would ever hear that from her.

    So as hard as it may be, I think kris hit the nail on the head. You need to take a firm stand here.

    Sending hugs and strength.

    ~Kathy</span>
     
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I agree with you all.

    He called for a ride home. Then he asked husband if I had cooked?
    No, we had all just gotten in from easy child's practice and I spent time with my horses today, not cooking in the kitchen.

    I went in to tell him we needed to talk ~ he had that strange calmness that I have seen before. Someone else had to explain to me the calmness comes from the high of cocaine.
    I wasn't going to waste my time trying to reason with him in that condition, so I told him tomorrow after work we will talk.

    I am glad I posted about this and got insight from you all.

    I am looking at it in a different light. I was going to use only the drug test and I had no idea what to do if it was negative.
    The issue is the disrespect and chaos he causes.
    And yes, I am just tired of the walking on eggshells in my own home.
    And if he is spending his weekends getting high or drunk or who knows what else, he needs to be on his own where he will suffer the consequences. As it stands now he shows up before 9 on sunday night and acts like everything is fine.

    Say a prayer for me, I am straightening my backbone and getting up off the floor.
     
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    HH, it's a duck, all right.

    Saying prayers for you & family.

    If I may, I'd suggest forming a definite plan with the rest of the family so you're all on the same page when it comes to telling him that he's not going to be bringing his problems into the home any longer. And don't be sucked in to bargaining.
     
  12. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    HH, I will be thinking of you. Sending you strength, and (((Hugs))) :warrior:

    Peace
     
  13. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    HH, I'm sorry...it does sound like its time for him to go. I know you were so hopeful that this time, he would "get it."

    Pull that armour out of the closet---I'm sure it still fits. We're here for you, and I will pray for you.
     
  14. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You have come so far, hearthope.

    Little by little, because you are changing, other things will begin to change now, too.

    Don't beat yourself up for anything that doesn't go the way you think it will or "should". There are no shoulds, here. We all want the same thing: our children meeting their potentials and taking advantage of the things we have worked so hard to give them.

    That is the ultimate goal.

    To give our children a better life, a better start, than the one so many of us had.

    It is drug use that is interfering with that ~ nothing you did wrong, nothing difficult child did wrong either, really.

    So, here's the thing.

    difficult child is putting you all through this so he can get a little high off cocaine (or whatever).

    Probably because he isn't thinking straight, difficult child has decided the pain he is causing his family ~ and I don't mean just how difficult he is to live with, I mean the willful betrayal of every dream you had for him ~ is worth it.

    So in a way, however you decide to handle this, that is the question being decided, here.

    Whether the high is worth the destruction of the dream and the betrayal of the family.

    And if I knew then what I know now, that is just how I would have approached the issue when it was my difficult child engaging in those behaviors.

    Because when you look at it that way?

    Everything gets really clear and still, and you will know just what to say, and just how to handle whatever is coming next.

    Barbara
     
  15. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    HH, How are you doing? Have I missed an update posted somewhere? Thinking of you this week.

    Peace
     
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